I thought I could swing.

My husband and I have been married for 25 years and we have met a couple we are both interested in. After lots of teasing and hinting around, it got started one night. My husband and her were unable to complete the transaction because of female situations, but her husband and I did. It wasn't good.

All of his attention was on his wife and my husband. I felt he wasn't there at all for me. Last night we gave it second go round and the same thing happen for me. Now I am not interested in persuing this any farther. Am I wrong to shut it down. My husband is not happy about my change of heart. I don't want to be the councilation prize in this deal.

Was the second try with the same couple?

My first swing partner was this way too which made for a very unsatisfying time but I soon found out that it was just him. There are many considerate partners perhaps you just haven't found the right one yet.

My husband and I have been married for 25 years and we have met a couple we are both interested in. After lots of teasing and hinting around, it got started one night. My husband and her were unable to complete the transaction because of female situations, but her husband and I did. It wasn't good.

All of his attention was on his wife and my husband. I felt he wasn't there at all for me. Last night we gave it second go round with the same couple and the same thing happen for me. Now I am not interested in persuing this any farther. Am I wrong to shut it down. My husband is not happy about my change of heart. I don't want to be the councilation prize in this deal.

frenchie13, I'm sorry to hear that you had a bad experience with one couple, but I wouldn't give up just because the husband turned out to be a dud for you. Not all couples are the same. If you have a bad meal somewhere, you might quit going to that restaurant, but you don't give up eating. Is swinging in general something you still want to do?

I also have to ask, what made you think it would be better the second time around?

-B

Frenchie, if the second time was with the same couple, then you definitely need to give it some time and consideration before you shut it (lifestyle) down completely. Sounds like he may be more of a voyuer than a doer (douer?). The important thing is to take your time, there's no race here to win.

There are so many couples (or even a single guy) out there, maybe another time it will be much better.

Shut it down? Of course you are RIGHT. Never "play one for the team"....that's not what "swinging" is about anyway. Think shared, pleasurable experience next time.

And no need to rush into things.

I think "shut it down" is possibly the incorrect terminology. Maybe a better phrase should be "put it on hold".

Through my own very limited experience here, but extensive lifetime "vanilla" experience, I think you should have a very serious look into yourself, and decide if pursuing this lifestyle is for you, and also, AT THE SAME TIME, you should discuss this at length with your hubby, laying out all your concerns and fears. Discussion, communication, respect for one anothers' feelings seems to be, at least from my perspective, the cornerstones of success in this lifestyle.

Oh, by the way? Welcome to the board! you will find an abundance of information and advice here. I would say 99.9% of the posts I have read here are wonderful insights and seem to come from very down to earth people whom have been thru pretty much anything we (fairly) newbies could come up against.

Stick around, relax, have fun and learn!!

I would definitely sit down and talk to hubby more about this one before making a final decision. What exactly are you and hubby hoping to get out of swinging (people do look for different things), and how long have you been discussing swinging in general? It sounds like this wasn't the couple for you, but if you still want to pursue swinging with others, I wouldn't give up yet. It can take some time to find a compatible couple, but when you do all four of you will have a great time. Was this other couple new too? That can affect the outcome of the evening too.

Welcome to the board, btw, and I hope you'll stick around and share more thoughts with us. This place is a wealth of info and hopefully we can help you feel better about this current situation. Good luck, keep talking, and like mentioned before, give this some more time and conversation before shutting the door on something that really can be pleasurable for all involved.

M

Hi frenchie13, Welcome to the board!

Nah, don't shut it down. Swinging CAN be a lot of fun once you get the bugs worked out of the system. It's a contact sport, so expect there to be a few challenging rough patches that require some work. If you and your husband go into this with the realization that you're just learning and bound to make mistakes - and are prepared to forgive each other and yourselves for them - after playing with a few more playmates, you'll find yourselves feeling more comfortable. And just remember that this is supposed to be about having fun and sharing a part of yourselves between the two of you. The husband of the other couple was very interested in how his wife's experience was going, which should be expected because it's very appropriate. You would want your own husband to be aware and concerned for your feelings and well-being, wouldn't you? Perhaps the other husband could've been a little more attentive to you, but I can't say I'd fault him for being fascinated by his wife's pleasure. Try to not take it personally. If after looking at the situation objectively, you still see that you're being treated disrespectfully by the other husband, move on to another couple. No one should ever be MADE to feel like a consolation prize.

I'm just guessing, but is this other couple also fairly new at swinging? You might try finding a more experienced couple for your next go-round. 'Experienced' doesn't necessarily mean hard-core. It just means they've found what works for them, they're comfortable with themselves and what they're doing, and they understand that some couples are just starting out and need a little more lattitude/space to work out the kinks in their swinging style.

Whether you choose to call it quits or not, stick around the board. If swinging interests you at all, you'll find lots of good advice and info here.

frenchie,

It sounds like everyone's expectations weren't made as clear to one another as they might have been in this instance. In direct conjunction with intuition's suggestion that your play partner should be expected to take an interest in his wife's experience with your husband, it just might be that his real interest was/is in a MFM encounter. If so, he did you a grave disservice by not being clear about it.

That said, he also did himself a disservice because, while he was being inattentive to you, he was also losing out on what he might very well have wanted to begin with. Two strikes here. One against you and one against himself.

I don't see where your husband should be unhappy with your "change of heart" if he clearly understands that you're not getting anything out of your playtime. Your partner had his "second chance" and it yielded the same results, or lack thereof. As a number of people have suggested, it's time to move on and find someone who's as interested in meeting your needs as he is in satisfying his own.

One last thought? Use this as a learning experience when you meet another potential play couple and clarify everyone's expectations beforehand.

Best of luck...

Van

It is quite possible that this other couple was not prepared for the experiance. He may have some jealousy issues. Maybe discuss with the next couple more. Start out slow and make sure everyone is comfy. I believe in moving slowly to make sure no one is hurt.

Thanks for all the great feedback. I think we will take a step back and do some more talking. My husband is dissapointed that he didn't get to have sex with his partner but now I am thinking I am very glad about that. I don't think I am someone who will get pleasure out of seeing my husband get pleasure from another women. I know, selfish right. It is such an intimate part of a relationship. I guess I don't share well. Any advice on how I can get over this?

I am new to this also Frenchie. To me, the ultimate would be to see my husband having pleasure with another woman. His pleasure is what I want. I guess it is the unselfishness of it. It is hard to explain, but we have agreed that we are in the lifestyle for each others pleasure. Not for him to be with another woman, or visa versa. It is for our pleasure. Will I feel this way when we do have our first experience, I dont know. But right now, it is an ultimate turn on for me. Maybe it would help to think of it as your husbands pleasure (as he would get pleasure playing golf), instead of him being with another woman.

Any advice on how I can get over this?

Keep in mind that maybe you won't, or don't, or don't want to. The lifestyle is not about "getting over" something because it's negative... it's participating because you want to. Only you and your SO can decide.

well, I know what I'd be doing. Leaving that relationship and finding another one. Just cause it's not working out well with these people doesn't mean that you can't find another couple who it will work out with.

Don't quit just because of one bad experience, keep trying

frenchie,

From your experiences with the other couple it may be clear to you that you don't feel that you derive any pleasure from seeing your husband with another woman. There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way, though I may catch a few dissenting votes before this is over.

There are types of men that I could enjoyably envision Mrs. Van being with in bed, and there are other types who would be auditioning for an "Extreme Makeover" if they slithered around her for more than 30 seconds.

Neither of us feels a need to share one another with other partners. If we did, it would be with partners that we both agreed upon. No argument involved.

My point is that you have every right to be as selective about who your husband swings with as you do about your own partner, and vice versa. That may not change your point of view and it's certainly not my intention to do so. As in so many cases, perhaps it's better left as a fantasy. Only you know for sure.

Van

Thanks for all the great feedback. I think we will take a step back and do some more talking. My husband is dissapointed that he didn't get to have sex with his partner but now I am thinking I am very glad about that. I don't think I am someone who will get pleasure out of seeing my husband get pleasure from another women. I know, selfish right. It is such an intimate part of a relationship. I guess I don't share well. Any advice on how I can get over this?

I guess you could call it selfish if you expected the door to only swing one way forever. Perhaps it works for some couples to have a one-sided relationship like this, but it doesn't work for many. Not for long. It's unreasonable to expect to be able to go out and do whatever you please while your partner must deny himself the same liberty. I understand why you would feel vulnerable in this position; you're allowing your partner to make a decision that, until now, was supposedly yours. I mean, yes, he could've gone ahead and cheated on you, but that would be dishonourable. Instead, he abides by your rules. You say, "You're not allowed" and he complies. When you say, "Do whatever you like. I trust your judgment and that you won't hurt me"...well that's a pretty big step. Try imagining how or why your husband is okay with seeing you get pleasure from another man. Talk to him about how he can allow you to be with another man, why it doesn't bother him. I think you'll be surprised. Men and women aren't so different. We have commonalities. Jealousy is one of them. Once you understand his motives for wanting to swing, you'll likely feel more comfortable trusting him to not hurt you. At the very least, you'll know where his head and his heart are while he's with another woman, and that any hurt you feel is self-generated.

Getting over the imagined hurts is the biggest hurdle in swinging. It's directly related to whether or not you can separate the sex act from the love you feel for your husband. That does not mean that sex between you and your husband will no longer have meaning! Quite the contrary! It means that you begin seeing sex as a separate thing, as a way of expressing that love to him. It can also be used as a social activity with friends (AKA swinging) without it dissolving to cold distant fucking. It doesn't need to be that way. It's a matter of becoming more comfortable with this concept and setting up comfortable emotional 'personal space' with your partner. You will feel when others begin to encroach upon that personal space by doing or saying inappropriate things such as wanting to get together alone without the other spouse's knowledge or approval, or saying things like "I love you". These feel wrong. This is where trusting your partner comes in.

I hope I've helped some frenchie13. Dont worry, go into things with your partner's interests foremost in your mind and heart, giving him the benefit of the doubt, and constantly communicating how you trust him...and expect to be treated the same by him...and things should work out.

My husband and her were unable to complete the transaction because of female situations, but her husband and I did.

Forgive me for playing a bit of "Devil's advocate here"...

Imagine the roles reversed, and your husband and the other woman were able to play, and you weren't. Would you be stareing daggers at him for getting it on when you can't? Would you feel left out if he had a good time and didn't show any concern for you during the encounter? Would he be worried that if he did have a good time when you couldn't, that he'd get an earful in the car on the way home?

OK, so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit for emphasis. Going by only what I read in this thread about this situation, my guess is that the other male was concerned about his wife not getting her part of the "mutual" pleasure. I know that I would have a hard time concentraiting on the task at hand if my partner was left out on the sidelines. It lacks the mutualness that is the core.

So If I were a betting man, I'd wager that he was preocupied with his wife, his life partner, the yin to his yang, the person whom his life goal is to please. So don't be too hard on him for not being up to an "A" game.

You're not likely to have a satisfactory encounter with this couple again, too much muddy water under the bridge.

So take a deep breath, remember that everyone plays or no one plays, and find another couple with a female half that you don't feel threatened by.