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    Default Do we tell other swingers that this woman gets cold sores?

    We met a great couple and hit it off. We were planning to get together for playtime, and the female half mentioned that she hoped her cold sore went away before then, because it was ugly. WHOA! We told them we weren't comfortable playing with anyone who gets cold sores/fever blisters. Just not willing to take the risk. They both kept trying to convince us that it was okay to play as long as they didn't have active sores. I pointed them to all the info I had, so they would understand why we weren't comfortable with it.

    They posted on a local lifestyle message board under another name, asking whether they should tell people. The results? A resounding HELL YES, they should tell people! Now, they are back to posted under their usual user name, and are making dates.

    We have other friends who have met these two and really like them, and the possibility is there for play. Do we mention this? If we find out someone has been involved with them sexually, do we just put off playtime to see if it's been transmitted to them? Do we explain why, and risk being called gossips? Or do we just put it off, and potentially hurt feelings by saying "No" to people we've played with and enjoyed many times already. It would just be awkward, but is that better than the alternative?

    Any and all advice is appreciated

  2. Back To Top | #2

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Something like 90% of America has been exposed to HSV1, aka Herpes simplex one, aka cold sores.

    I wouldn't stress about it, and if you do, you should just avoid swinging all together, the odds are not looking good for you

  3. Back To Top | #3

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Interesting...I'm sure we've been exposed. Perhaps we are worrying too much. When they posted, though, others seemed to be as "worried" as we are. Thanks for your reply, though.

  4. Back To Top | #4

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    I think it might help if someone who knows more than I do would clarify the difference between a simple cold sore and a disease that causes occasional breakouts of cold sores.
    Through every dead and living thing, Time runs, like a fuse. -- Jackson Browne

  5. Back To Top | #5

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    I have to say, all of the threads relating to STD's/STI's etc.... have me utterly amazed. There is such a cavalier attitude toward them among the majority of the Lifestyle Community! An attitude, which I feel is partially responsible for the spread of such illnesses. It is almost as if the current mood is that HPV, Herpes et al are an accepted (Nearly expected) part of being a member of the community!

    I have to be honest, I am rather shocked and to a point dissapointed.
    Veni, Vidi, Veni!!!

  6. Back To Top | #6

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Quote Originally Posted by Chicup View Post
    Something like 90% of America has been exposed to HSV1, aka Herpes simplex one, aka cold sores.

    I wouldn't stress about it, and if you do, you should just avoid swinging all together, the odds are not looking good for you
    Lovinhim has had "cold sores" since she was a child. Obviously I have been exposed but have never once had an outbreak. One of our kids gets them also, two don't. The point is, as Chicup mentioned, that just about everybody has been exposed (and is a carrier) but most don't show any symptoms.

    IMO, I don't think it is your place to spread the word. If somebody told us personal info about another couple my trust in would be gone. And yes I would consider you a "gossip"

    It's a touchy subject and I'm sure many would disagree with my take on it.
    Do some reading on the subject. It will be an eye opener.
    I know I was born. I know that I'll die. The in between is mine. (PJ)

  7. Back To Top | #7

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Quote Originally Posted by CXXC View Post
    I have to say, all of the threads relating to STD's/STI's etc.... have me utterly amazed. There is such a cavalier attitude toward them among the majority of the Lifestyle Community! An attitude, which I feel is partially responsible for the spread of such illnesses. It is almost as if the current mood is that HPV, Herpes et al are an accepted (Nearly expected) part of being a member of the community!

    I have to be honest, I am rather shocked and to a point dissapointed.
    I don't think you could call "cold sores" an STD any more than you could the common cold.
    I know I was born. I know that I'll die. The in between is mine. (PJ)

  8. Back To Top | #8

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Quote Originally Posted by lovinher View Post
    I don't think you could call "cold sores" an STD any more than you could the common cold.
    A cold sore is still viral. It is not to be treated lightly.

    We went to a resort where a man was playing with various women. I noticed he sported one upon his upper lip. He thought nothing of performing orally with the ladies and some never thought to stop him. Then again, the ladies were in their mid to lat 20's and perhaps didnt think anything of it. He approached Mrs. CXXC with the intent to play around. She stopped him dead in his tracks as she whipered into his ear, "Not with that herpy on your mouth you dont!" She did not want to cause any issues and thought it was the best way to deal with the situation. However, you would have thought she insulted him. He stormed away.

    I have to wonder about the OP's question. Are we gossips for passing the information along or are we protecting each other? We have not run into this situation other than that one time so we dont know what we would do if we met someone in our immediate community.

    I guess the question (to me), Should we tell others with the hopes of breaking the chain as much as possible in order to protect the community or do we turn a blind eye to that responsibility?

    Where do we draw the line? Do they need to have AIDS? Do they Need to have open sores on their privates? Do they need to have warts? When is it ok to take the initiative AND/OR Responsibility?

    I am torn with the issue. Would I be doing the responsible thing or would I be a gossip? This is such a difficult situation.
    Veni, Vidi, Veni!!!

  9. Back To Top | #9

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    There was once that a lifestyle acquaintance told me that someone we both knew, and was active, has Herpes and continued to play. Thank goodness it wasn't anyone we would have found attractive, but we don't know who else he's played with, etc. We, as one data point, appreciated being told. All we can do is continue our practice of getting tested regularly to make sure we are still clean.

    I don't know what I'd do, except try to clarify with those folks what caused the cold sore.
    Through every dead and living thing, Time runs, like a fuse. -- Jackson Browne

  10. Back To Top | #10

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Quote Originally Posted by lovinher View Post
    I don't think you could call "cold sores" an STD any more than you could the common cold.
    Cold Sores are Oral Herpes, plain and simple and can be transmitted and converted into Genital Herpes. The only real difference between HSV 1 & 2 is the location where the sores appear.

    To the person who asked about an occasional singular cold sores and outbreaks of cold sores, it's just the severity of the infection.

    If you get cold sores, you have herpes.

    Cold Sores

    From: Herpes HSV-1 & HSV-2
    Under a microscope, HSV- 1 and 2 are virtually identical, sharing approximately 50% of their DNA.
    The primary difference between the two viral types is in where they typically establish latency in the body- their "site of preference." HSV-1 usually establishes latency in the trigeminal ganglion, a collection of nerve cells near the ear. From there, it tends to recur on the lower lip or face. HSV-2 usually sets up residence in the sacral ganglion at the base of the spine. From there, it recurs in the genital area .

    Even this difference is not absolute either type can reside in either or both parts of the body and infect oral and/or genital areas. Unfortunately, many people aren't aware of this, which contributes both to the spread of type 1 and to the misperception that the two types are fundamentally different.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Quote Originally Posted by Chicup View Post
    Something like 90% of America has been exposed to HSV1, aka Herpes simplex one, aka cold sores.

    I wouldn't stress about it, and if you do, you should just avoid swinging all together, the odds are not looking good for you
    Have to agree with Chicup here. You can go around avoiding only those who you KNOW have one form or the other but that doesn't protect you from the hundreds of others who either don't know they have it or are hiding it from you.

    Just reading this thread should make it just how clear it is that so many people don't realize that cold sores are herpes and CAN be passed as genital herpes

  11. Back To Top | #11

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Thank you SO MUCH for pointing that out Julie!
    Veni, Vidi, Veni!!!

  12. Back To Top | #12

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    If one in five people have HSV-2, it stands to reasons that once you have had sex with more than say 15 people, you have been exposed.

  13. Back To Top | #13

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Quote Originally Posted by NWAtlSwing View Post
    If one in five people have HSV-2, it stands to reasons that once you have had sex with more than say 15 people, you have been exposed.
    This statistic has been enabled through ignorance or malice. This alone should enrage the community. I have no doubt in my mind that someone, somewhere knew fully well they were infected and did not care for the health or well being of another, keeping the facts of their infection to themselves. The ignorant infected others and the ball went rolling on collecting as it went!

    Sorry for the diatribe folks. Its a pet peeve of mine!
    Veni, Vidi, Veni!!!

  14. Back To Top | #14

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Quote Originally Posted by CXXC View Post
    This statistic has been enabled through ignorance or malice. This alone should enrage the community. I have no doubt in my mind that someone, somewhere knew fully well they were infected and did not care for the health or well being of another, keeping the facts of their infection to themselves. The ignorant infected others and the ball went rolling on collecting as it went!

    Sorry for the diatribe folks. Its a pet peeve of mine!
    My point was, that if you are going to get hung up on HSV-2, don't play. Condoms help, but are not foolproof, and I have *never* seen someone using a dental dam for Oral sex.

    Not quite sure what I said that called for this level of "diatribe". I did not even make the argument you imply I am making. In fact, other than using a statistic, you have no idea what I think. Saying "Sorry" at the end of a post does not make rudeness OK any more than the phrase "just joking" does.

    I come out from Lurking for this?

  15. Back To Top | #15

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Before everyone gets ready to jump off a cliff here over cold sores on the face they really should take the time to read the Cold Sore Link that Julie posted.

    Some good information there.

    It is not just about people not telling the world or just about sex.

    Cold sores are very common. It is estimated that 80% percent of the American population have been exposed to the Herpes simplex virus (which is the virus that causes cold sores).

    As most people contract cold sores before the age of seven, it is common for a person not to remember their first or 'primary' cold sore outbreak.
    Now I am not aware of to many Seven year olds having sex and not telling their friends about getting the sores.

  16. Back To Top | #16

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Quote Originally Posted by VegasLee View Post
    Before everyone gets ready to jump off a cliff here over cold sores on the face they really should take the time to read the Cold Sore Link that Julie posted.

    Some good information there.

    It is not just about people not telling the world or just about sex.






    Now I am not aware of to many Seven year olds having sex and not telling their friends about getting the sores.
    Exactly. And read it carefully. The facts are there.

    And it is just this kind of attitude that would make many keep their mouth shut. Julie, nobody here said cold sores weren't herpes. The original question was "do we tell?" How about we stamp everybody's forehead who has been exposed with a big H on it while were are at it? Who's left?

    Selfrighteous1 and CXXC-So with those statistics, do you know for sure you have never been exposed? Have you ever been tested? Could it just be that you have it and don't get visible symptoms?

    I'm not trying to be a dick but there were some pretty broad assumptions made here.

    Somehow this got turned around as if it was suggested that it was OK to play during an outbreak and that was never condoned by anyone here. Big difference.
    I know I was born. I know that I'll die. The in between is mine. (PJ)

  17. Back To Top | #17

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    We realized if we were going to worry about cold sores, swinging would not be fun. More people have them or carry the virus than don't. Simple math means most of the people we kiss and play with WILL be positive for HSV-1

    I would, however, refuse to play with someone who had an active sore.

    Once it was healed, no reason to cross them off a play list I can see.
    Evel Knievel died of natural causes.

  18. Back To Top | #18

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    The 1 in 4 (or 1 in 5) statistic is actually a questionable stat. The primary research out there makes no such claims on the prevalence of Herpes (genital herpes), the 1:4 stats are prevalent on sex eduction sites. Those sites tend towards a fear based approach to sex health rather than a primarily information based approach. I don't, personally, believe the 1:4 stats after reading through a whack of primary research about a year ago.

    Good times has posted a bunch of good stuff on here as well that is worth reading through.

  19. Back To Top | #19

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Just to be clear. The subject of the question was regarding HSV-1 (cold sores).
    Should they tell other couples that a specific couple has HSV-1.
    I know I was born. I know that I'll die. The in between is mine. (PJ)

  20. Back To Top | #20

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Quote Originally Posted by lovinher View Post
    Just to be clear. The subject of the question was regarding HSV-1 (cold sores).
    Should they tell other couples that a specific couple has HSV-1.
    Yeah, I was just addressing the stat posted previously.

    I would want to know if someone had an active cold sore, or recently active cold sore. Otherwise I don't think it matters. I am sure I've been exposed to it in the past and it's so common that it is inevitable.

  21. Back To Top | #21

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Well, I am freaked out and relieved at the same time.

    I obviously didn't know the facts about Herpes. Now I know better. I was freaked out because I have a few times in my life gotten a sore inside my mouth or on my tongue. Now after reading the site that Julie posted, I realize that is a canker sore, not a cold sore, which is not HSV-1. I looked at some of the pictures of cold sores and can safely say I've never seen anything like that close up on myself or anyone else. Relief.

    However, that site and at least one other say that 80-90% (depending on the site) of Americans develop HSV-1 by the time they are 20 years old. So it seems almost a given that any given person has it! Time to freak out?

    So it seems that since chances are any of us IS infected, that the rational thing to do is be on the lookout when it comes to ourselves and our play partners. Don't play if you have a cold sore! But if you know someone who has one or has had one, it seems they are just among the unlucky few for whom the virus results in a visible outbreak. That seems a good reason to avoid them, but it also means that just because our partners don't have visible cold sores, doesn't mean they don't have HSV-1 -- in fact, they probably DO have it.

    And from what that site said, you can catch it from lots of things other than playing. In fact, most people apparently do.
    Through every dead and living thing, Time runs, like a fuse. -- Jackson Browne

  22. Back To Top | #22

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Quote Originally Posted by The Fuse View Post
    Well, I am freaked out and relieved at the same time.

    I obviously didn't know the facts about Herpes. Now I know better. I was freaked out because I have a few times in my life gotten a sore inside my mouth or on my tongue. Now after reading the site that Julie posted, I realize that is a canker sore, not a cold sore, which is not HSV-1. I looked at some of the pictures of cold sores and can safely say I've never seen anything like that close up on myself or anyone else. Relief.

    However, that site and at least one other say that 80-90% (depending on the site) of Americans develop HSV-1 by the time they are 20 years old. So it seems almost a given that any given person has it! Time to freak out?

    So it seems that since chances are any of us IS infected, that the rational thing to do is be on the lookout when it comes to ourselves and our play partners. Don't play if you have a cold sore! But if you know someone who has one or has had one, it seems they are just among the unlucky few for whom the virus results in a visible outbreak. That seems a good reason to avoid them, but it also means that just because our partners don't have visible cold sores, doesn't mean they don't have HSV-1 -- in fact, they probably DO have it.

    And from what that site said, you can catch it from lots of things other than playing. In fact, most people apparently do.
    Inside the mouth is normally an amphis ulcer, which is auto immune in nature, and more common in clean mouths (damn you tooth brush!). The ones on the border of the lip are HSV-1.

    I know I have been exposed to HSV-1, I tested positive for antibodies and I've NEVER had a outbreak. Does this make me a carrier? I suppose I could be just like the rest of the free world.

    A woman who works for me, who is perhaps the most sexually naive and inexperienced woman I've met between 25 and 30 regularly has outbreaks of HSV-1 on her lip.

    Yes it can be either genital or oral (oddly not both normally) and most people will only have one outbreak of either. Some people for whatever reason get them more frequently.

    Personally if I had a choice I'd take genital, those are normally not visible

    Now I wouldn't play with someone with an active sore because its just gross looking but you can be shedding the virus before the sore is even visible.

    Honestly swingers are too cavalier about STD's in my opinion but HSV-1 isn't one of the ones I'm concerned about. Odds are if you have it you got it from your mothers kisses.

  23. Back To Top | #23

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Originally Posted by CXXC
    This statistic has been enabled through ignorance or malice. This alone should enrage the community. I have no doubt in my mind that someone, somewhere knew fully well they were infected and did not care for the health or well being of another, keeping the facts of their infection to themselves. The ignorant infected others and the ball went rolling on collecting as it went!

    Sorry for the diatribe folks. Its a pet peeve of mine!


    NWAtlSwing

    Allow me to address each point separately and see if I can shed a little light on the matter at hand.

    Quote Originally Posted by NWAtlSwing View Post
    My point was, that if you are going to get hung up on HSV-2, don't play. Condoms help, but are not foolproof, and I have *never* seen someone using a dental dam for Oral sex.
    Your original quote, provided for ease and reference for this discussion.

    “If one in five people have HSV-2, it stands to reasons that once you have had sex with more than say 15 people, you have been exposed.”

    I don’t see the words “Don’t Play” here. I see no mention of dental dam or Condom here. I see a statistic that saddens me to no end, but no mention of how to avoid such issues. None of your “points” are inferred in the slightest by this statement. To further my argument, you make the statement, clearly, in the next paragraph, “In fact, other than using a statistic, you have no idea what I think”. I think your lash has struck an innocent man here.

    Quote Originally Posted by NWAtlSwing View Post
    Not quite sure what I said that called for this level of "diatribe". I did not even make the argument you imply I am making. In fact, other than using a statistic, you have no idea what I think. Saying "Sorry" at the end of a post does not make rudeness OK any more than the phrase "just joking" does.
    What prompted the “Diatribe” is quite simple. To be honest your ignorance of this fact catches me by surprise. You mention a statistic that upsets me as well as others. One should expect a response to it. My response was, perhaps, more enflamed than most , but none-the-less, it was accepted by others. In fact, I dare say it was far more on topic than posting a statistic that has nothing to do with the Subject of the initial post. Also, at no time did I say you agreed with me in my feelings or thoughts. It was never assumed that I knew what you or anyone else believed beyond that which they have posted in the past.

    Quote Originally Posted by NWAtlSwing View Post
    Saying "Sorry" at the end of a post does not make rudeness OK any more than the phrase "just joking" does.
    Goodness! Under no circumstance would I intentionally post a rude statement. I put a good amount of thought into every post or blog I make. I do not want to sound ignorant, foolish or rude at all. Therefore, I make it a point to address the issues or topics with care and make every effort to not offend. (Well, there are the Wal-Mart mouth breather along with the TSA buffoons) An apology from me is not an attempt to gloss over a social foible or faux pas! I am earnest in my statement in that, though I am strong willed and often very open in my thoughts and feelings, I never intend to upset my fellows in the lifestyle.

    Quote Originally Posted by NWAtlSwing View Post
    I come out from Lurking for this?
    This board is here, as a tool, for us all to learn and to discover. Julie and her assistants work very hard at providing a wonderful environment to the members of the swingersboard community. I thank them and applaud their efforts. If you find a post not to your liking or flavor, I would suggest you stick to lurking. You seemed much happier then. If not, I would suggest you not attack someone who is clearly not attacking you.

    For the length of my response, I apologize. I make no such offer for its content!

    But again, we are backt o the issue at hand. Do we tell? Do we spread th word of those we know of who are infected? Do we take up the roll of police or do we let it become someone elses issue??? Tough call!
    Veni, Vidi, Veni!!!

  24. Back To Top | #24

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Posting something with an apology in it usually means you know it was the wrong thing to do as you did it.

    Going off on a self-described diatribe in response to a posted statistic is rude. You could have easily made your point without being rude. Just below your post someone pointed out they did not believe that stat without being snarky or rude.

    As far as the topic, I think it is totally crazy to "out" people for Oral Cold Sores since so many people carry HSV-1.

  25. Back To Top | #25

    Default Re: Do we tell?

    Quote Originally Posted by NWAtlSwing View Post
    As far as the topic, I think it is totally crazy to "out" people for Oral Cold Sores since so many people carry HSV-1.
    I agree. I am not going to play HSV-1 police. Now if it was something far more dangerous then yeah I would warn someone provided that I was 100% sure of their affliction.

    If someone is that concerned about cold sores then they should ask their potential playmates if they have ever had one. Even if they havent there is no gaurantee they are not a carrier of it. Only 80% of the people that have it will test positive for it. Thats a direct statement from my gyno. I should have took notes on all the stats she was throwing at me that day...
    ~You only get out of it what you put into it~


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