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Guest hammerit12

Please tell me I'm not alone in my decision to only play with condoms

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Guest hammerit12

Situation. Have not been swinging in a long time. Thinking about maybe getting into again. Not sure. I have a new rule that has been broken plenty. I plan on being firm this time. The rule is condoms only!! Of course 2 days later, my husband sees someone he may be interested by just a partial pic. I don't think we would get along just be the profile. Anyway, They have not sent a pic, but sure send a long drawn out novel about how the female is allergic to condoms and rather would require bloodwork for all four. My husband was like, sure no problem. I am like I don't fricking think so. I am all for the blood work. I am clean as I just got "premium life insurance" so I want to stay that way!! My husband is like oh we would all be exclusive. Yeah right, people lie. I said I don't do anything anymore without condoms. Keep in mind it is all this drama and we havn't even seen pictures YET. My husband is acting like he hasn't had any in forever. So anyway. Please tell me that there are other people are on my side.

Thanks

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Ok, so I'm not much into drama BUT We 100% agree, Condoms are a must all the time. There are too many things out there that can happen. We are not real fond of them either but When it comes to playtime with others we Insist. I suppose there may come a day where we meet the "right" couple and may try going bareback but that has yet to happen and Not sure if it ever will. Welcome to the board and Good Luck

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On your side, sister.

 

This is a boundary. Plain and simple, and you know this, this lifestyle can only be successful for both parties if boundaries are adhered to and fully respected.

 

I don't have a problem getting tested and providing results to whomever wants them. That's beside the point.

 

If you have a "condoms only" rule, then that is a very serious rule that definitely allows for no negotiation in my book. VERY serious consequences can occur, and you are right, people lie.

 

Stand firm ... No Condoms/No Play .... PERIOD.

 

Consider your husband informed. :)

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:eek: I would be leery even with the bloodwork...like you said you really DON'T know. Maybe talking rationally with your husband (no heated arguments or raised voices) might help more, have him read this thread, he may or may not be suprised by this, but MOST people in the lifestyle kinda require that condoms are used too...Now that is probably a HUGE assumption on my part, but having read posts here and talked to lots of people elsewhere, I feel I may be correct. DO NOT DO ANYTHING YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE DOING!!!! Your husband should understand this and be supportive, but he has probably got some feelings of his own on this that he may or may not be sharing...There are plenty of people in this lifestyle who are more than happy to wear a condom and you two should discuss looking for other people before you make any decisions... ;)

 

Note: While I have been typing this the wise TXDUO2000 has just posted the best response as far as I can see...but I will post this as sheer backup of her and other's stances that will undoubtedly be just as effective and true!!!! :D

 

Good Luck to you both!!!

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Hello, and yes I do agree with you NO CONDOM NO PLAY, it is just a safe way to go. We were contacted by this couple on sls, who didn't bother to read our profile, and we do state that in there, no glove no love, but of course when he tells us that in his so called group, they dont use condoms. That is ok I guess for some, but he started to tell us that we are more of a threat then anyone in his group is, Im like give me a break, you dont know what everyone in your group is doing, your right people lie! He started to get an attitude with us after we told him we have a condom rule, if you dont like it make sure you read our profile plain and simple.

 

If I were you, I would stick to my guns with this one you can never be too safe blood test or not, it sometimes takes HIV/hep six months to show its ugly face, I wonder if your husband knows that??

 

There are plenty of fish in the sea, and it may take a little while to find the right couple, but usually they are worth the wait :)

 

Playing games with your health is never a good idea, once you have something what can anyone say then "I'm sorry" well that doen't solve the problem, and maybe that one time you didn't use condoms might have saved your life.

 

Well we wish you the best of luck ;)

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Guest hammerit12

Thank, thank you. I know I am right. In fact I tell my husband I am 99 percent right. It is true. LOL. I am serious. I know everyone has opinions and their own deals. I feel I have been very lucky to have skirted life without any serious consequences. Luck does finally run out.

 

I shall stick to my guns. LOL.

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Hammer -

 

I'm glad to hear that you are sticking to your guns!!! Blood work, schmud work - has hubby been in a hole the past few years? The incubation rate for some STD's is a very long time and those folks might be with others, just like y'all, and being exclusive sounds too poly for my tastes. Me thinks that he is being WAY too trusting - there are freaks and liars out there, and your life isn't worth it. Not only that, since there hasn't been an actual meet yet - he might look at the couple and they might have fuzzy teeth or look like an ex girlfriend. It is possible that getting back in the "swing" of things (yes, pun intended) and the ensuing excitement is just causing a brain fart in this case :) Good Luck to you and let us know how it goes.

 

Jenn

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We play without condoms, but always respect the decision the other person/couple has made. I (female) have an allergic reaction to most of the condoms so we simply let them know about the allergy and tell them we will provide the condoms to make sure the ones used wont cause a problem.

Now, as for the rules part:

We think that condoms are the LEAST of your problems. Frankly, If your husband can't stick to the rules in the situation you're describing above, and he told them "Sure, No problem" after agreeing that it would be one of your rules, and we're guessing he knew you'd be upset by this, you shouldn't be swinging at all!

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Am I correct in understanding he is willing to risk your health for his pleasure?

 

Maybe if you put it to him that way it will get him to rethink his position.

 

In any exchange of bodily fluids the female is always at a higher risk. You are smart to protect yourself from your husband's ignorance in this situation. I'm right with jcbicouple on this one - sounds like you and hubby have bigger problems to work out than just figuring out what to do with this one couple.

 

Please don't take this as a flame, I'm on your side but what your husband is doing upsets me a little.

 

Boris

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I'd be all for changing our rules @ some point, but for right now, I'd have to say condoms are going to be a must. She means way to much to me, as well as our children, to risk that, & I'd hope she feels the same way about me.

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Smart woman. Stick to your guns. More than likely the other woman is allergic to latex, or possibly the chemical n-9. Avanti produces latex free condoms that are approved by the fda. Avoid sheepskin, as is incredibly porous.

 

 

Sidenote....if the man is thick enough, the Avanti will produce a strange, but oh so wonderful "warming sensation".

 

 

Condoms are a personal decision. But in this day and age with all the choices out there, allergies and discomfort fall into the blue-balls category of those highschool backseat experiences.

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Hate to say this, but even if he agrees to your terms, I think that in a "heat of the moment" situation, they'd go out the window for him. Your main issue here is one of trust. If he can't be trusted, you shouldn't swing.

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The safety wishes of a partner should be respected. If condoms are your choice, then that is what should be. We have the wish, or hope, that one day we might find someone with whom we could confidently be bare, but who knows if that can or will ever happen?

 

So..... we have experimented with a number of brands of condoms, and have purchased what is probably a laughable amount of them from drugstores and online vendors, but even that has been fun, truly. It is part of the larger experience of entering swinging.

 

That is your rule. It is that simple. You have no burden of proof. Also the condoms can be part of the intimate play.

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They say in baseball - "You are only as good as your last at bat" well with test results "They are only as good as the next time you have un protected sex"

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I agree it is a trust issue and he is sounding really "me me me " -ish.

 

To me the only question about condoms is the after taste ... and thanks to flavored condoms ( mint, chocolate, bannana, strawberry...) it is a non issue.

 

As I see it the objection would be yours ( in reguards to the taste of latex)

 

It is never acceptable to go without from any standpoint when you are talking about casual sex. yeast infections can be transmitted from a male who has had sex with an infected female and it would never show...no syptoms at all.

 

Avoiding that one is reason enough... tell him to get real and responsible... and pick a flavor.

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Guest NeverSayNever

Wow! I am new to this board, but way to much drama here!!! I think there must be some really good counselors. To make some of the statments based on one paragraph seems a little far fetched!! To quote:


 

Quote

 

jcbicouple

We think that condoms are the LEAST of your problems.

 

 

Based on him openly talking about this? What other problems do you think they have in your expert opinion??

Quote

 

Boris:

In any exchange of bodily fluids

 

 

Do you use dental dams, no kissing etc, etc??

Quote

 

tcimnd:

Your main issue here is one of trust.

 

 

Trust is what this lifestyle is all about isn't it?

 

Now, while I do NOT condone going bareback, what about real advice and less flame to a guy that is not even on the site. Maybe hammer should show him this. You all may be ashamed of yourselves. Oh well, I guess I am on to the next thread to see what else, if anything I can learn from this site....

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NeverSayNever said:
To make some of the statements based on one paragraph seems a little far fetched!!

 

Actually - folks were giving advice based on the information offered. Are there two sides to every story? At least! But, when you are working with limited information, you do what you can with it.

 

Frankly, it seems to me the advice given by the forum was quite intuitive. When people come here to settle disputes, you will actually see a lot of wisdom - i.e. "condoms aren't your biggest issue." When folks can't discuss this stuff to resolution at home, they are likely to be given a broader view to think about.

 

But - if it makes you happy - perhaps we should simply not offer any advice unless people offer a full history - complete with both sides of the story - and only after submitting to a panel of inquiry. Start a petition to that affect.

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You certainly have the right to discuss your boundaries and expect them to be upheld. That may be the bigger issue. What other rules do you suggest that your hubby doesn't like? Condoms are certainly a neccessity for some and we won't argue about that, but there does seem to be more happening than just this issue.

 

(Back into my hole now.) :kissface:

 

Male D

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Guest NeverSayNever
DBL D said:
You certainly have the right to discuss your boundaries and expect them to be upheld. That may be the bigger issue. What other rules do you suggest that your hubby doesn't like? Condoms are certainly a necessity for some and we won't argue about that, but there does seem to be more happening than just this issue.

 

(Back into my hole now.) :kissface:

 

Male D

 

OK, I have only posted to one thread and it seems this is not for me. I came to the wrong place, let the flaming begin....I just dont get it. What "else" do you see going on here. I do agree on the open forum like Spoo to some extent. There is some good advice given, but then some major flaming also by some. Still Dbl D, what is it you see, what about a person male or female that has spoken the their spouse about condom use do you see so much else. I am listening, looking.....

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Sorry NeverSayNever, gotta agree with Spoomonkey on this one. We do what we can with what we've been given, and after reading umpteen posts that are similar to hammerit's, you start to get a feel for what the underlying issues are. No, we don't know all the issues; no one ever does. And as far as therapists go, I wouldn't trust their advice just because they've got the fancy piece of paper on their wall that says they're qualified to read my mind. After being here about a year now, I've gotten to know many of these fine folks pretty well, and I've seen a lot of sage advice from board members. I think if you hang around a while, you'll see some of that.

 

As for the drama...well, I guess it just depends what other sites you're used to. To be perfectly honest, one of the reasons I'm a swingersboard junkie is because this board is so blunt and drama-free. I didn't see any drama, just straight-up opinions.

 

And what's my opinion about hammerit's dilemma? We tell each other to listen to our gut instincts, and my first impression is that the focus is all wrong. The focus seems to be on getting laid (for Mr hammerit) and then pouting because, when he DOES get to have sex with other women (something that he should be counting his lucky stars for), he has to use a condom. If Mrs. hammerit is uncomfortable going bareback, then she's uncomfortable going bareback. The rules are simple: don't push and don't allow yourself to be pushed. If you break the rules, you're asking for heartache. I think this is why jcbicouple suggested that condoms were the least of their troubles. The real issue seems to be that they're not on the same page with their boundaries, he wants to go ahead anyway - with unresolved issues in tow, and she does not.

 

His argument is that (aside from "Condoms suck!") the other couple is clean and is insisting on blood tests. Unless the doctor puts shrink wrap and an expiration date on them, there is no guarantee that someone hasn't screwed around behind his or her partner's back. No one knows for certain. In the medical/dental field, practitioners and all personnel use "universal precautions". This means that each and every patient is treated using maximum infection control precautions. It's no guarantee that the doc isn't going to slip and accidentally poke himself with the syringe, but I'm sure it's done its part in greatly reducing the spread of infectious disease. Using condoms EVERY time is essentially doing the same thing; we may not be able to control what others do, and we can't realistically eliminate the risk, but we choose not to add to the problem of spreading infectious disease.

 

Bottom line is, if she's uncomfortable with it, he should be listening to her and not trying to find some way to get away with it.

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NeverSayNever said:
OK, I have only posted to one thread and it seems this is not for me. I came to the wrong place, let the flaming begin....I just dont get it. What "else" do you see going on here. I do agree on the open forum like Spoo to some extent. There is some good advice given, but then some major flaming also by some. Still Dbl D, what is it you see, what about a person male or female that has spoken the their spouse about condom use do you see so much else. I am listening, looking.....

 

I guess it was the general tone of your post. When someone uses ALL-CAPS it's either because they're excited (happily) about something or they are yelling.

 

Perfect World: you ask, we answer. Calmly...succinctly.

 

Imperfect World: A lot of us are little detectives, and sometimes we may jump to the wrong conclusion or ask if something else is going on to keep from jumping to the wrong conclusion (that there is something else going on). A lot of us here have been much more verbose than you have been with us, plus, here I am answering a question asked in response to my (our) question.

 

I wasn't jumping on you or flaming you, nor will I. Like I said, it is important to uphold rules.

 

Good luck Girl!

 

M.D.

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Never say never, please stay on this board, you can get a lot of advice here!! I also agree with some of you, there are usually two sides of the story.

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We wouldn't play with anyone who takes the chance of going without. What if the condom breaks, and their weren't being careful just a couple of days before you?

 

Allergic or not....... WOW!

 

An allergic reaction is mild considering the alternatives. Don't mean to be harsh, but a childhood friend just past away of AIDS complications @ 33 years old, a week ago. Of course by this time he had no legs and only weighed 89 pounds (@6'2"). He used to weigh 210. He caught it from his first male lover at 17 who swore he was clean and had papers to prove it. It wasn't so bad till about the time he turned 25.

He's not the only person we've 'known', or currently know........

 

Chances? More like Russian roulette, without spinning the chamber between turns.

 

AND rules are rules, and if one rule isn’t that important to your partner, what about the other rules?

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Guest hammerit12

Ok, now it is the Mr's turn to say something. It is rare that I come on this board (more interested in another non related board and spend my time there). I had not seen this until just now. Mrs Hammer showed me. I have to say you all sound a little, no a lot rough on me. Let me give you more facts! First, we never met said couple so no need to even go into what their deal was. Second, I am not the person you all make me out to be. tncinmd, no I would not throw the condoms out the window when my wifes back is turned. You do not know me so please dont ass-ume this about me! bodyscape02, no I Really, REALLY am not a me me type person and do not pout about this or any other issue. Again an ass-umption! intuition897, no I dont thank my lucky stars to have sex with other women. I have a wife and even after 10 years together we have sex 4 to 5 times a week, even if it is a "quickie" when she may not be "in the mood". Double D and Boris, well what can I say that would not get Mrs hammer thrown off here so I'll leave it alone. I just wanted to clear the air on what everyone here keeps going on about. Condoms are the rule and if we decide to play sometime, condoms it will be!! Hope this helps clear the air, or at least my name....

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intuition897, no I dont thank my lucky stars to have sex with other women. I have a wife and even after 10 years together we have sex 4 to 5 times a week, even if it is a "quickie" when she may not be "in the mood".

 

Okay, let me rephrase that: anyone who swings should be appreciative of the fact that their spouse is open-minded enough and secure enough to allow him or her to explore his or her sexuality with other partners.

 

Oh, and NeverSayNever, if you're still around, I'd be interested to know what other sites you've found that are more intelligent and open-minded than this one. 'Cause I just can't seem to find any.

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