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Sunflower

Telling your kids you swing?

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I'm not sure if this post is in the right place, but here it goes. As some of you know, my husband and I have been swinging for over a year. I grew up in the south where it is seen as wrong for a female to enjoy sex and sex with more than one person makes you a slut, tramp, etc. I was also raised in the southern baptist religion. Since my husband and I have started swinging I have felt like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It is like a part of myself was chained down my entire life and now I am finally free to be the whole person that I am. Here is my dilemma: Even though I am free, my family is still very much baptist and vanilla. In fact, my husband and I have not told anyone in our families about our lifestyle and the fact that I am bi because we are worried that family members might try to have our kids (16 and 10) taken away from us. On the other hand my son is 16 and I would like to tell him so that he does not feel as tied down as I felt. I want him to be able to have kind of sexual preference he wants, be it vanilla, swinger, gay, or bi. I know he would keep our secret from the family. I feel like a kid's parents have a great influence over how they see things. So my question is does anyone else's kids know that you are in the lifestyle? How old were they when you told them and how did you tell them? Should I tell my son? Thanks.

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I am sure you'll get many more valuable answers here than mine, but my first thought was isn't there another way to discuss sexuality in a positive light with your children without being completely out in the open about your own private activities?

 

Though I have always been open with my children about sexuality, including my own (without sordid details), when I told them I was a swinger, I was met with undesirable results. Instead of opening interesting and honest conversations, it closed our relationships off for a time.

 

Can you talk about sex and love with them without sharing your own secrets?

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I agree, why out yourself? What positives, would this bring out in your relationship with your kids? Now if your kids found out and they questioned you about it, that's a whole different story. I would just enjoy swinging, discuss with your kids any issues they have with their sexually and try to help them as best as I could, but keeping my swing life private. We have 2 teens and this issue has never come up. But the sexual issue comes up a lot and we talk about it openly and honestly, about sex, protection, and respect.

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It has been my experience that kids REALLY don't want to think about their parents having sex, and REALLY REALLY don't want to know details such as this. Our relationship with our kids was as open as any I know of. There were no taboo subjects. Still, our sexual habits and sex life was kept quiet for their comfort. I think it can be communicated to kids, especially teens, your feelings and beliefs without talking about your life specifically.

 

Both of our kids have asked us point blank, very personal questions about sex. We redirected them to our beliefs rather than answering questions that they would most likely be shocked to hear. Remember teens are at a point where they are very self centered, even if they appear to not be. A lot of what they are looking for is affirmation that the thoughts rattling around in their head are ok, that they are normal. Good luck. I hope it works for you. It could definitely enrich your children's future life.

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I wouldn't say anything unless they ask. If they really thought about it, I'm sure that they know that you do HAVE sex, but don't want to think about how, what positions, oral, anal, etc. so what difference does it make with who you have sex with and why. As Funcoupledayton pointed out, teach tolerance and acceptance, but it's not necessary to tell them more than that, especially if they are under 21 (unless they catch you in the act). There are some things that even if kids wanted to know (and being told about what kind of sex their parents enjoy is NOT something they want to think about, let alone know), they are better off not being told.

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Meh. I have gone back and forth on this, and luckily I have a lot more time before I have to come to a final decision. My kids are 5 and

 

I have already started the "sex talks" with my daughter (5). She knows what gay is, even if she doesn't necessarily realize that is the correct word to use. But her female barbies have a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend on occasion. Whenever she says something about "girls and boys", I remind her that although girls/boys as a couple are fine boys/boys and girls/girls as a couple is fine too. So sex talks are in quotes, I suppose, because I view it more as love talks than sex talks. She knows that people can love others in a romantic way no matter what gender/sex. I also say gender/sex because we stress that gender and sex (as in physical sex- penis or vagina) are two different things.

 

I'm not sure if the subject has come up yet, but when it does we will express to her that loving more than one person romantically is fine as well. Does that mean she has to live her life that way? No. But it does mean that if others want to live their lives that way it is their choice and she should support them.

 

Am I going to come right out and tell my kids I am bi? Hmmm, I haven't decided yet. I say this only because, at this point, I consider it a non-issue. I don't think I have to tell them for them to get the idea that it is normal and healthy. But at the same time, I don't consider it private either. If I was gay and decided to have children, would I not tell my children I was gay? Of course not. So I consider the thought that being bi is something that is private or should be hidden a little silly. Please understand (for the others that have already replied and others that feel differently from this) I am in no way calling YOU silly. It is just my opinion that viewing those two situations separately instead of being very much the same is silly.

 

Am I going to come right out and tell my kids that I am a swinger? Probably not. But maybe.... I just told SSH the other night that one day I'm sure our kids will find out, or at the very least, suspect. As with the sex between just the two of us, we don't do it in front of our kids (of course) and we don't talk about it with our kids. However, we are obviously very sexually open people.

 

Since we view swinging as an extension of our sex life together, I don't see why we would discuss it with our children. I don't see myself sitting them down and telling them we are swingers. If they ask or it comes up in the course of another conversation, than fine. I won't go out of my way to hide it. I will just treat it like I do my everyday sex life with my husband.

 

 

 

Rather than telling your children you are a swinger, I think it is FAR more important to teach your children to be accepting of other people. To love with their whole heart. And to consider logically what they choose to approve or disapprove.

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It has been my experience that kids REALLY don't want to think about their parents having sex, and REALLY REALLY don't want to know details such as this. Our relationship with our kids was as open as any I know of. There were no taboo subjects. Still, our sexual habits and sex life was kept quiet for their comfort. I think it can be communicated to kids, especially teens, your feelings and beliefs without talking about your life specifically.

 

Both of our kids have asked us point blank, very personal questions about sex. We redirected them to our beliefs rather than answering questions that they would most likely be shocked to hear. Remember teens are at a point where they are very self centered, even if they appear to not be. A lot of what they are looking for is affirmation that the thoughts rattling around in their head are ok, that they are normal. Good luck. I hope it works for you. It could definitely enrich your children's future life.

 

 

 

But this is an excellent response. I agree that kids don't want to know about their parents sex lives. This is something my mom has yet to understand (she is 50 and I am 30) and when we talk about sex she always wants to talk about HER sex instead of just talk about it in general. It icks me out, yes even at 30, so I try to avoid the subject with her. There is a huge difference between "Dad and I are swingers and have multiple sex partners" and "I read a news article about a couple that are swingers and have multiple sex partners. How do you feel about that?"

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Our take:

 

Relationships change over time. Relationships with one's children change over time. There are two underlying themes.

 

First, parents realize that their kids watch everything. Modelling a relationship--mom and dad, husband and wife, partners in all things--makes a huge difference in their worldview and their future happiness. Reciprocally, kids know when a relationship rings false--such as parents who "stay together for the sake of the kids". What we are really discussing here is telling the truth, but maybe not all of the truth right now. There's a time and a place to discuss most things. Participation in the LS may not ever fall into "most things".

 

Second, as noted above, sex-positivity is part of things that should be modeled. That can take lots of forms, including (but hardly limited to) respect for and acceptance of the various (e.g. LGBT) communities and their members; respect for and acceptance of the naked human form, including one's own body; respect for privacy and intimacy; demonstrations of affection. All of this is age- and understanding - appropriate. Those ought to be universals, vanilla and otherwise. The social fabric more or less depends on it.

 

Children see it as ordinary when parents go to dinner with or out with another couple. After all, they have been involved in group activities as they have been growing up. They see it as ordinary when some couples seem to be closer friends than others. They can relate to experiences in their own lives. To this point, all is "vanilla".

 

What happens from this point forward really depends on age, insight, understanding and parental preference. Sharing information is like squeezing the toothpaste out of the tube: once out it doesn't go back inside.

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Our kids are 18 and 14. We haven't told them, and are not likely to, until we are willing to tell the world. We live in the closet with our LS activities, we wouldn't want to drag them into the closet with us. In addition, we don't tell them the details of what happens behind closed doors in our bedroom (they just know to knock) and our LS activities are an extension of that.

 

However, we have no problem discussing sex positive topics in front of them. They know what gay is, they have a couple of sets of gay 'uncles' they've known their entire lives. And they know their mom performs burlesque and that we are into fetish wear. When the kitchen table is covered with sequins or latex and rubbers cement, it's kind of difficult to keep that secret.

 

So, yeah I would side with the 'no need to out yourself' and 'lots of ways to be sex positive' approaches.

 

D

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Our children, from previous marriages, are 23, 20, 19 and 18. They are well rounded, intelligent, articulate, sex positive individuals who have been kept in the dark about our LS activities and choices intentionally. Would them knowing that we enjoy sex with multiple partners, complete strangers or any of the particulars benefit them in any way? Would them knowing that I enjoy sex with other woman help them any more than my knowing that they eat cooked carrots help me?

 

For our family, our willingness to talk about and our positive attitude towards sex were more than enough. Not exhibiting prejudices, displaying tolerance, compassion and empathy gave them everything they needed. If our kids choose the lifestyle, and it works for them ... great. If not, that's great too.

 

This is what worked for us. Parenting is hard work. What works for one family isn't what works for every family. Good luck with the hard decisions :)

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I've never thought it was any of our kids business what we do. I don't sit down and tell them about what happens sexually between their dad and me, so even though they're all old enough to understand, plainly, it's just none of their business.

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Been there done that told the two older kids when they were in high school. They said TMI and did not bring it up again for a few years. Today they laugh about their silly parents, (who by the way as teenagers they complained about not because we were swingers but because we were still married, loved each other and communicated so unlike their friends they could not play one set of parent against the other.)

 

With this went rules that were consistent, we never said don't have sex we said when your ready it's up to you, be-careful and remember sex is not love. We also reminded them every step of the way that life has an order...Graduate from HS, College, Graduate College, Get Married, Have kids. Two down and on track, one working on college.

 

Our daughter who is married tells us we took all the fun out of it in High School as she did not have to sneak around to have sex, just had to let us know where she was, who she was with and when she would be home. She and her husband both non-swingers (at least for now) keep telling us that we are the normal parents who would of thought.

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I think this is one of those situations where the answer is family specific. If you are a person like VegasLee, out there on the front lines, defending the right to swing, then yes, your kids need to hear it from you, before they hear it from a over zealous news reporter. If you are a casual swinger, then not so much. They need to know only what they need to know, and that usually isn't very much.

 

Understand this though: The longer you swing, the more likely they will either find out, or figure it out. And usually, that's OK. When we started, our daughter was about 10 years old, and obviously had no clue what we were doing on the odd Saturday night. Over time, as she grew up, she had a couple of questions that were innocent enough, but put together with other questions over the years, she was probably able to identify a pattern.

 

The kicker was when she dated the son of a couple that we have played with, and are pretty close to, swinger wise. They are "mostly out", so I'd be a fool to believe their son didn't mention "something". This was when she was around 19, so if something was said, it probably just confirmed what she has figured out over time. In the end, she doesn't question or challenge us on it, feels very confident sharing what's going on in her life, and tells us her friends think we are the coolest parents they know, so we've got that going for us.

 

So, yeah, in your case, there's no reason to say something at this point, and they'll probably appreciate you saying nothing. ;)

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I meant to mention when I posted before...

 

You should also think about how your kids would think this would affect THEIR lives. When I was in high school, I stayed with best friend for a short time. After her dad died we heard some stories about her mom. And one night we came home and heard her mom, her mom's boyfriend, and another couple yell "they are home" and run off into her bedroom. Yeah, we were pretty sure at that point that they were either swingers or doing some type of drugs...... or both.

 

For my friend, it was mostly an embarrassment. She didn't particularly care who her mom was screwing, but she didn't want to know and she didn't want rumors going around about her mom and her friends possibly finding out.

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We have 1 couple that we play with on a regular basis at their home who have a son living at home. We are pretty sure he knows what goes on when we visit. His bedroom is in the basement and he has come home at night when he was planning on staying out. Think it is a case of knowing but not wanting to know what his parents are doing. Most kids don't want to know that their parents are sexually active

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Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts and opinions. I'm a single mother and have two preteens at home. I needed this. :)

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MsDiscover and I both grew up with very open minded parents, all aspects of sex was openly discussed and things like sex is not love, birth control, etc. was talked about well before it was needed. That said, not every detail about their own sex lives was discussed, in both families it was mentioned as general good practice but not with much own details. My parents were a bit more open then MsDiscover's and are active swingers. That was no secret but I never felt strange about it, just another aspect of their lives.

 

Nowadays we have two boys of 16 years old and a little girl and we are both very open to them about all things concerning sex and relations. All kids know MF is not the only option, for relations and for sex and agree on this. We always have talked about LGBT issues and possibilities and that is does not matter to us what kind of relations they will build, that they and their partner(s) are always welcome in our family. One of the boys thinks we are into more then MF and hinted but if he does not ask, we are not going into detail. Heck, we ourselves are just discovering the LS and are very unsure what we want :-)

 

We also stress the importance of safe sex and being responsible in general towards partner(s). They all know they can safely talk to one of us (or both) about the subject, but we don't talk about it a lot to not to embarrass them, as we have sometime noticed. For instance condoms. We discussed the use (and how to use them!), but it is not a subject anymore after that. My wife and I just regularly check their condom jars and refill when needed, without saying.

 

One other thing. Both the boys are from our previous relations and we are very aware that introducing the idea of their parents with other new (sex) partners can lead to insecurity. "Will my parents stay together? What if they like the new M or F more then mom or dad? Can a split up happen again? It happened before!". Thoughts like that.

 

And now I'm typing this, I think this can be something to be careful about with ALL kids, not only from broken homes. Be careful!

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Mrs. Alura and I agreed, on our second date, to never keep anything from each other. We extended the same respect to our kids, and never regretted it. They were never afraid to ask us a question about anything. When they, as teens, discovered our presence on the Swingers Board and asked about it, we leveled with them. We were never sorry about that, either. Now they're in their twenties, college grads (with honors) and working in their professions. I can only regard them with pride.

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There no right or wrong way to tell your kids that you swing. You've got two options. Either you tell them or not. It is your choice.

 

When I was 16 my parents came clean to me and told me that they were swingers and my mom is bi. They wanted to come clean to me and be honest. I was shocked by what they told me. I had no idea that they were into that. When they told me I was playing 20 question with them. They were honest to all my questions. I was quite surprised by their answers. I found out they did gangbangs, orgies, groups, threesomes and foursomes, and other crazy stuff. They were even members at a local swingers club for a few years. I even asked them do I know any of their swinger friends, and they said yes. One of the couples were parents to my bff. After it was all done, I asked them if I could take part of the lifestyle and give it a try. My parents were a little hesitant about my request but they knew it might happen after they told me. So after my 18th birthday they took me to their local club and paid my first year membership. And I never looked back.

 

So to every parent here if you do tell them about your lifestyle do not be surprised if they ask question about it, and some of them will ask to try it as well.

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