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NenaPR

Lies, building trust again, and the Lifestyle

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So after my boyfriend and I had a chat about sexting, and both agreeing that it was a no no, I caught him sexting another woman, even setting specific meeting times when I was not to be around. Once all was out in the open, he claims that he never met her and it was just talk. Now he claims that it was all a big mistake, that he never intended to hurt me or lie. Our relationship is still very young and we have had numerous conversations about doing things behind each other's back. Now he wrongs me.

 

I guess my question is, can you trust after a lie?? Especially in the lifestyle?? I'm extremely hurt, and I still care, but I don't want to be a fool, I've been completely honest, why so hard for him??

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We can't really say stay or go, trust or don't trust; that is up to you. I will say that people tend to give up on each other too easily, and that is why so many relationships end. And people give up on each other because they're afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to trust another person with so much of themselves, and often they don't even know how to open up that part of themselves to someone else. That is not to say, however, that we should not love and respect ourselves enough to move on when we are being repeatedly disrespected and taken advantage of. Forgiving a stupid mistake is one thing; letting someone make a habit of it because they can get away with it is another.

 

I would put the emotions aside for a moment and ask him what it is about lying to you that he found rewarding. What did he need? What was he getting out of it? Renewed independence? Did he like the feeling of doing something bad/wrong/dirty/naughty? Or did he actually feel guilty while doing it? You're exploring a lifestyle where absolute freedom is kind of par for the course; why is he fucking that up by undermining the one condition that would make that possible for him? Not smart. In other words, he's trying to steal something you would otherwise have given him freely. What the hell is wrong with his head? All he needs to do is be a little patient so you can work through it together and he'd be allowed to have you AND other women. Kind of a no-brainer if you ask me.

 

Anyway, if it was me, I would probably give him another shot, but he would know in no uncertain terms exactly what this opportunity means, and the consequences of screwing it up yet again. The take-away from your conversation should not be "try harder next time to not get caught." It should be "my actions can hurt other people, and I'm defining myself as an asshole every time I choose to do so."

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Afraid of sounding like a broken record (you do know what a record is?). Any relationship, and especially a relationship that is interested in swinging, need to have three things: love, trust and communication (and it is never possible to have too much of any of the three). If any of the three is missing or damaged, there are probably serious problems with the relationship. Lets see, he claims that he never actually met her and it was just talk...but he did go to the effort to find someone and was comfortable enough with her to be sexting...even set up meetings with her. There's no real way to even know if he met her or not, but if he didn't meet her, that all he didn't do. Doesn't sound like much love and seriously damaged your trust. Just because he didn't actually cheat, is that not cheating? Cheating is NOT swinging. If you choose to stay, DO NOT even think about swinging until the love, trust and communication can be repaired and rebuilt. This probably will take a LOT of time (read more than a few months). Personally, I would suggest moving on.

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Thank you so much for all of your honest advice, I truly appreciate it...

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