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  1. Back To Top | #1

    Default Double standards

    As you may have read from my earlier posts, we are getting pretty close to another couple as friends. And I'm (him) haveing trouble/concerns on seperating some things that he from other couple is doing during non swing times.

    I've also found he kinda says one thing and dose another.
    He has stated to me that he and his wife have/keep no secrets between them...but in a IM conversation he had with my wife, he tells my wife not to tell me such-n-such. Hmmm he wants us to have secrets??????????

    Other thing that got me was that after he found out I was reading thru wifes IM's (with her knowledge) he precceded to inform wife I was invaiding her privicy..n he'd never do it to his wife. This of coarse got my wife to blow up at me n ask i not read her IM's (which i've stopped doing)... However, I've had a number of times I've chatted to his wife, n when he comes back on, he says he was reading our conversation to get caught up on things. Hmmmmmmm

    I can't but he can????????????

    I'm just waiting to catch him admiting again to reading conversation his wife n i had...then will confront him on double standereds!

  2. Back To Top | #2

    Default Re: Double standereds

    Sounds like he's inciting discord in your marriage. If it was happening to us, I'd drop the other couple like a hot rock.

    Boris
    Sex is like air. It's really not that important unless you aren't getting any.

  3. Back To Top | #3

    Default Re: Double standereds

    Quote Originally Posted by BorisNatasha
    Sounds like he's inciting discord in your marriage. If it was happening to us, I'd drop the other couple like a hot rock.

    Boris

    Dito

    WTF????? NO WAY we would tolerate such actions as those! NO WAY. From the first, "Don't tell such and such ....." it would be OVER!
    Life is not measured by how many breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.

  4. Back To Top | #4

    Default Re: Double standereds

    Cut bait and run! This is your marriage not his and your pursuit of the lifestyle should be by your rules not others. Make peace with your wife, she's your #1 ally. Ditch this couple there are others.
    Sweet_Candy

  5. Back To Top | #5

    Default Re: Double standereds

    Run Forrest Run!!!!! This guy seems like a real shit - there are other fish in the proverbial sea. I'd dump them and if the wife asks why, tell her EXACTLY why..... But I think that you might have an issue with your wife also. She got mad at you for reading IM's?!?!?!? I'm sorry, but is she hiding something? Y'all might need to step back from swinging related things and take a look at what's going on at home. We use the same nic for email and im's when it comes to swinging and we archive IM's so we are both on the same page. Open and honest communicationn is the most important thing in a swinging relationship.

    Jenn
    "Swinging is the women's amusement park, and men are just along for the thrill ride." ~ James

  6. Back To Top | #6

    Default Re: Double standereds

    Wow...even if my conversations get heated or naughty, they are always open for my husband to read..in fact i insist on it as I do not want any misundersatndings or hurt feelings.

    Half the time he is not intersted because he trusts me, but regardless, they are there for him to read should he so choose. I do not hide my conversations and if he started to hide his I would feel like there was something wrong, like he was cheating on my emotionally. So we stick to the everything out in the open policy.

    It sounds to me like you wife should read this thread and maybe she would understand where you are coming from. I agree with the others, drop this guy. ANyone I chat with is made aware from the get go that I share my conversations with hubby and they respect that. Anyone that can't respect that, doesn't respect you.
    "Well! Evil to some is always good to others." - Jane Austen

  7. Back To Top | #7

    Default Re: Double standereds

    Quote Originally Posted by jennandjamesinm
    Run Forrest Run!!!!! This guy seems like a real shit - there are other fish in the proverbial sea. I'd dump them and if the wife asks why, tell her EXACTLY why..... But I think that you might have an issue with your wife also. She got mad at you for reading IM's?!?!?!? I'm sorry, but is she hiding something? Y'all might need to step back from swinging related things and take a look at what's going on at home. We use the same nic for email and im's when it comes to swinging and we archive IM's so we are both on the same page. Open and honest communicationn is the most important thing in a swinging relationship.

    Jenn
    I agree. I think maybe you should have a serious discussion with your wife too. If Drew were uptight about my reading his IM's with another playmate, I'd really have a problem with it too. There shouldn't be anything said in IM that either spouse shouldn't be able to read (IMHO). In any event, I'd put my foot down. Now.

    Pepper
    "Swinging is a lot like riding a Harley, ...for those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don't, no explanation is possible." --Mr. Alura

  8. Back To Top | #8

    Default Re: Double standereds

    I wouldn't wait for anything. Break all contact now. This guy is trying to cause problems and I wouldn't tolerate it for a second.
    Why is it we can pleasure ourselves but not tickle ourselves?

  9. Back To Top | #9

    Unhappy Re: Double standereds

    Dito to all of the above. My husband is rarely interested in reading IM's but I save them for him anyways. (He rarely uses the computer). If there were ever a time when someone even suggested that there should be a secret kept from my husband, I would not only call them on it immediately, I would also seriously question the reason they may have said what they said. Even if these people seem perfect otherwise, is it really worth the risk to your marriage????
    ~Mrs.Curiousduo30
    _____________________________________________
    There are no good girls gone wrong,
    just bad girls found out. ~Mae West

  10. Back To Top | #10

    Default Re: Double standereds

    Quote Originally Posted by billygoat4u
    but in a IM conversation he had with my wife, he tells my wife not to tell me such-n-such.
    My husband does not tell me what do...another man damn sure isn't.

    Quote Originally Posted by billygoat4u
    I'm just waiting to catch him admiting again to reading conversation his wife n i had...then will confront him on double standereds!
    Why wait? You're obviously not comfortable with this man, therefore there is no need to keep the converstation/friendship going. NO ONE interferes with my marriage. If anyone starts to, they are dropped like a hot potatoe.



    Teresa
    Ted and Teresa
    No lifetime is enough unless you live it in such a way as to make it enough.

  11. Back To Top | #11

    Default Re: Double standereds

    What everyone else said.

    There are times in IM's that I have hidden them from my wife, and she knows I've hidden them, but mostly its because we are planning what to do to her next

    This guy has issues.

  12. Back To Top | #12

    Default Re: Double standereds

    ok I have to say "Dont tell such and such" is a big ol` in our book too. We archive all our messages so we can go back in our discussions for reference and Both Mr. Curious and I have an understanding that its open to read at anytime. We keep no secrets usually we are on the computer together when there is intimate chats. I would say that if there are secrets trying to be created thats a big ol RED FLAG and Things need to be discussed weather it be between you and him you and your wife or the husband and your wife as to let everyone know which page your on. Good luck hope it all works out Happy Swinging

  13. Back To Top | #13

    Default Re: Double standereds

    Dito to everything above in spades!!!!

    Move on and quick!

  14. Back To Top | #14

    Default Re: Double standereds

    Dito to what the others have said. We actually read our messages to each other. Of course it helps that we each have our own computers on desks that face each other.
    R (He is R, she is P)

  15. Back To Top | #15

    Default Re: Double standereds

    Pitch this guy. Like everyone said. Openness and honesty is the swingers motto, and he has no business telling your wife otherwise. How the hell would he know what is and is not okay between you and your wife??

    I'm thinking that the trouble you're having with this joker is secondary to the fact that he seems to have gotten under your wife's skin enough to turn her against you. Ok, so maybe "turn her against you" is a bit extreme a phrase, but if the situation is left unchecked, and Mr. Joker had his way, that's exactly what would happen. Nip it in the bud and find out why it's happening in the first place. If she's not doing anything wrong, why is she being secretive about IM's? Is it none of your business? Given the intimate and potentially disastrous nature of swinging, I'm thinking it is your business to know what your life partner is up to.
    Fear is a symptom of ignorance. Knowledge is the cure.

  16. Back To Top | #16

    Default Re: Double standereds

    Ditto with everyone. Dump this couple fast, they are not worth it. We haven't been doing this long, but I gotta tell ya, that's shady ! I try to make a point of getting to know the female of the other couple first at least a little bit. If I am not at ease with the female, than it's a no go, and visa vera, if my husband is sceptical about the other male it's also a no go. There shouldn't be any anamosity at all. You are considering sharing your wife with this man, he should have respect for you as well as her. All parties involved should relate to one another on some level, and your wife should understand this and cut him off. No secrets !

  17. Back To Top | #17

    Default Re: Double standereds

    This guy is a pimp (and not in a good way). He collects women, then uses them for his sexual pleasure. Whether he makes money off of them or not is irrelevant. He has his wife conditioned to do anything he says and now she's no longer a challenge for him to control. He decided to get another woman under his thumb and chose your wife. He can't let you see the things he is saying to her, because you will see them for what they are: attempts to make her fall in love with him and want to submit to him. Once she does that, she will be with you in name only. Anytime you and your wife has sex, she will send him an IM telling him exactly what you to did. And he will get off on it. Soon he'll start telling her she should see him and his wife seperately for an FMF, and that his wife will return the favor. He might even get his wife to ask you to let your wife join them alone.

    That would not be a bad thing, but he's already exercising control over her by telling her the things you two have agreed on are wrong. You are a married couple. Your swinging activities are supposed to be for the enjoyment of the TWO OF YOU first, everyone you swing with a distant second. He's trying to get another wife, and part of the thrill for him is to take another man's wife or girlfriend.

    Tell your wife not to contact him anymore, and explain why. This man is not only out of line, but he is selfishly trying to break up your marriage to get sexual satisfaction. Swinging to him is just an avenue to that end.
    "Style is not lusting after somone because they are cool. Style is loving yourself till everyone else does too."

    Prince

  18. Back To Top | #18

    Default Re: Double standereds

    This guy is over the line and he's trying to get your wife to go there with him...If he thinks honesty is the wrong thing to do what's left dishonesty? Tell your wife your concerns and drop him.

    Some good advice we received - Evaluate swing partners like this: Knowing what you know about them now, would you have pursued the relationship in the first place? If it is "yes" try to work thru it. If the answer is "no" it's solved, you're done with them. If you can't decide, good indication that one or the other of you have an emotional attachment cut it off.



    just my 2 cents


    -D
    D (male) M (Female)
    The problem with popular thinking is that it doesn't require you to think at all.

  19. Back To Top | #19

    Default Re: Double standereds

    Ditto to everything said above.

    In swinging, it's almost inevitable that 2 members of a 4-some will find themselves drawn more to each other than the other 2. That in itself is not a bad thing...in fact, it can be a little exciting. Like the occasional 3-some, it's a little "indulgence" we make for our S/O which is often repaid in kind at some other time. But when it gets to the point of one of them imploring the other to "keep secrets," hide IM's, and stuff like that, it's gone too far.

    Obviously, you're aware that this guy's trouble. I'd sever the relationship with him immediately.

    FWIW...As a general rule, if I wouldn't hunt with a guy, I probably wouldn't swing with him either. Would you hunt with this guy?

  20. Back To Top | #20

    Default Re: Double standereds

    Quote Originally Posted by good times
    Dito to what the others have said. We actually read our messages to each other. Of course it helps that we each have our own computers on desks that face each other.
    Hmmm, I'm beginning to think we should start a thread on this ...... how many couples sit at desks in the same room on separate computers and read emails to each other? We do.

    The said Dito Dito Dito to what everyone said. I like the way Jennandjamesinm said it best. Run Forrest Run!!!!

    Loose this guy. I wouldn't let anyone tell me what to do and definately not come between me and Mr Spoo

    Mrs Spoomonkey
    Love is friendship set aflame

  21. Back To Top | #21

    Default Re: Double standereds

    He would be history....
    All our im conversations are shared, mainly because of work schedules etc. there is no way I would hide one from him or vice versa.
    We actually had a couple pretty much stop talking to us because we mentioned we did that...why I have no idea, unless she thought it was trust issues, just the opposite...that made us leary of them...
    No way would I allow another man to tell me what to say or not to say..hell Mr. Midnight can't do that~!
    "Your mind is your only box, and only you hold the key to the locks."

  22. Back To Top | #22

    Default Re: Double standereds

    Quote Originally Posted by JnCC

    FWIW...As a general rule, if I wouldn't hunt with a guy, I probably wouldn't swing with him either. Would you hunt with this guy?
    This is some damn good advice right here. Those of us that hunt know exactly what JNCC means.

    Would you spend all day with a guy? Would you trust him to be safe with a loaded weapon when your back was turned? Would you have enough trust in his judgement that he wouldn't take a "sound shot" and maybe hit you? Would you trust his honesty enough that he didn't break any game laws and wind both of you up in jail with all of your gear and vehicles confiscated. If you get in a bad situation, will he hold up his end of the work?

    In other words, is he an honest, trustworthy, reasonably intelligent, likeable fellow? If not, stay away. It doesn't sound like this guy is any of these things.

    If your wife doesn't believe you, show her this thread, let her comment, whatever. It's looking pretty universal to me here what you should do.

    I thnk ES hit the nail on the head with his explantion/theory there.
    Why is it we can pleasure ourselves but not tickle ourselves?

  23. Back To Top | #23

    Default Re: Double standereds

    A BIG Thank you to all!!!!!!!

    I did bring wife in to read everyones post.

    We are/have worked it out between us.

    She still wants to remain friends n possable play with this couple, but we are now more in agreement on the limits n comforts.

    Again...thanks for everyones imput......
    Great have a place to go for a sounding board!!!!!!

  24. Back To Top | #24

    Default Re: Double standereds

    Quote Originally Posted by JnCC
    FWIW...As a general rule, if I wouldn't hunt with a guy, I probably wouldn't swing with him either. Would you hunt with this guy?

    I wouldn't have looked at it that way, but that's a very good point. In 30 yrs I can count my hunting partners on one hand.

    -D
    D (male) M (Female)
    The problem with popular thinking is that it doesn't require you to think at all.

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