Cheating or just swinging solo?

On several other board especially AFF there seem to be a lot of husbands that are fooling around with out the wife. I just think that is wrong. When I asked why the wife does not know most say they are not into sex, and that's why they are looking. I think most of them may be bored with what they are getting at home!! What I want to know is how many men actually started this lifestyle without your wife?

Not me! We have been in this together from the word go!

The best sex we have is still with each other (though sometimes sex with others comes close). I can't think of a single reason why I would want to do anything in the lifestyle without Red.

There certainly are plenty of cheating blokes (and some women) out there. We don't have a lot to do with them....

CB

We don't consider the "lifestyle" cheating..........that's a completely different term and definition.

Our sex-life is done together, even when we plan the seduction of someone else.

Cheaters don't usually get very far on this board. There's no excuse for AFF.

Alura

Well I'll be honest and say that is how I started out...but I'm certainly not proud of the fact.

In fact we both met that way.....now of course it's all out in the open and we are together.

I do agree completely...cheating and swinging ARE quite different things...

A and J

We have always swung together, neither of us has any desire to try it any other way. AFF has a really poor reputation among swingers.

I started with my wife, and have to agree with everyone else here, cheaters are not swingers. I don't know any swingers that would knowingly play with a cheater. On the other hand, I've seen it happen many times unknowingly. I live in a tourist town and on nights that single males are allowed in the local clubs a lot of those so called single males are men from out of town visiting without their wife. We have actually had them come up to us at the club and complain why nobody will play with them and those are just the ones who were honest enough to admit that they were married. I'm sure they soon learn that if they want to hook up they just have to lie about it.

We dropped our AFF membership because most of the contacts we got were from cheaters and women who wanted us to join their porn sights.

What My wife and I have noticed is on AFF and similar dating sites, is how cheeting has become accepted and normal, like its ok as long as you can justify it. It's hard to believe that more than half of the married folks in this country, have no problem doing that, like the sites lead you to beleive. All the studies about how manogamy is not natural, which is fine, but does it justify cheeting? It's hard see what the norm really is. I guess the devorce rate is one way to get a feel of what the norm really is. I guess thats why we are attracted to the lifestyle, we can have our pie and eat it too, untill were full.

Butch-

Curiously AFF seems to work reasonably well for us, perhaps because we are in the UK. I would reckon that it works as well as the UK based ad sites anyway. We don't seem to get bothered unduly by single males and most of the people who have conacted us appear to be genuine couples. It's not that there is a shortage of UK based people there either.

CB

Well, we found each other through AFF - but we were both single and not cheating on, or with anybody who was cheating.

But swinging without each other would be one of the things that woudl be a signal to us that this isn't working. The idea is to enhance our love for each other and the pleasure we get from doing things with each other.

A slip - well, we'd deal with it, but it would be hard.

Consciously looking on the side without each other? Not a good thing and we couldn't deal with it. It would hurt each of us too much. Not healthy.

Throught the ups and the downs, we have always been in this lifestyle together. Early on, we had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy about single men's marital status but after some consideration, decided that we did not want to be a part of that.

We have very strong feelings about cheating and cheaters. It's hard for us to not be judgmental about it. We realize that what people do with their own lives is none of our business, but with all the fire and brimstone about the LIFESTYLE undermining family values... It just really pisses me off that cheating is largely ignored as the real culprit. But the world at large seems to think it's ok as long as 1) You don't get caught, 2) You feel bad about it later, and 3) You have an excuse (he had it coming to him, for example). Makes me sick.

As I and others have said: Swinging is not Cheating (i.e. Adultery).

Everyone has their reasons that they think justify their actions. Misery loves company.

However....Let's not forget that there really are couples who have an understanding betweeen them that allows for contact with others without their presence or knowledge of it at the time. Since everything is out on the table and both people know about it then it isn't cheating to have relations with someone outside of their marriage.

Maybe it isn't swinging but it isn't cheating either. The problem comes when someone who does swing encounters them and has to verify whether they are for real. Once again, a talk with their SO can clear that up-if you believe that the person really is their SO!

Male D

As I and others have said: Swinging is not Cheating (i.e. Adultery).

 

Everyone has their reasons that they think justify their actions. Misery loves company.

 

However....Let's not forget that there really are couples who have an understanding betweeen them that allows for contact with others without their presence or knowledge of it at the time. Since everything is out on the table and both people know about it then it isn't cheating to have relations with someone outside of their marriage.

 

Maybe it isn't swinging but it isn't cheating either. The problem comes when someone who does swing encounters them and has to verify whether they are for real. Once again, a talk with their SO can clear that up-if you believe that the person really is their SO!

 

Male D

We agree with DBL D. Swinging is not cheating, and although some don't think that swinging seperately is actually "swinging" the people involved still have their spouses permission.

We look at cheating as doing anything that would upset or hurt your spouse. If you have to lie or hide something you are cheating. Which puts that whole thing into a catagory that most vanilla married people wouldn't be comfortable with because it means if you go to the bar with a group but convieniently forget to tell you spouse that "such and such" was there because you know they'd be mad: You are cheating. If you rub someones shoulders at work and don't tell your spouse because you know it would upset them: You are cheating.

Now, on the other hand, as long as you have permission we don't see having sex with a co-worker on a desk, or meeting someone on the side as cheating.

Most vanilla couples couldn't and wouldn't see the logic in that type of thinking.

We agree with DBL D. Swinging is not cheating, and although some don't think that swinging seperately is actually "swinging" the people involved still have their spouses permission.

We look at cheating as doing anything that would upset or hurt your spouse. If you have to lie or hide something you are cheating. Which puts that whole thing into a catagory that most vanilla married people wouldn't be comfortable with because it means if you go to the bar with a group but convieniently forget to tell you spouse that "such and such" was there because you know they'd be mad: You are cheating. If you rub someones shoulders at work and don't tell your spouse because you know it would upset them: You are cheating.

Now, on the other hand, as long as you have permission we don't see having sex with a co-worker on a desk, or meeting someone on the side as cheating.

Most vanilla couples couldn't and wouldn't see the logic in that type of thinking.

I hope you all don't think that I think swinging is cheating , what I was talking about was the Husbands on AFF that have contacted me and told me that the wife does not know. Now that's cheating!! I totally agree with what you said that if you have to hide or lie you are cheating. My hubby and I have always been very open with each other and now that we are new to swinging he has been right by my side. I guess that's why we have married 14 years, 15 in March.

Well, I apologize Southern Lady,

What happens with me is that I read the first post and then sometimes scan down through the threads then make my mark.

Your question was "how many men have started their swinging careers without their wife?"

We have not done that...been together for the whole thang!

Male D

Sorry to get off the question again, but this subject does that a bit. This could be broken off but Is it me, or does it seem real that according studies about cheeting that 60% of married women say it's accepted for men to cheet. I dont know about the folks here, but that seems kinda high to me.

Butch-

I hope you all don't think that I think swinging is cheating , what I was talking about was the Husbands on AFF that have contacted me and told me that the wife does not know. Now that's cheating!! I totally agree with what you said that if you have to hide or lie you are cheating. My hubby and I have always been very open with each other and now that we are new to swinging he has been right by my side. I guess that's why we have married 14 years, 15 in March.

Sorry we didn't answer your question. We didn't think that you meant that swinging was cheating. We'll try again:

We started this together. It would be interesting to find out how many of the people that started this by cheating have had it actually work. We would think very few, since a huge part of swinging (at least for us) is trust.

I'd sorta like to know that myself.

Male D