Not sure how to handle this.

Hello all,

To begin this is my first post, and I know the lifestyle is a very warm and friendly community so I appreciate all input in advance.

So the misses and I have been in the lifestyle for a few years, but there has been an issue of friction that can't seem to go away.

When we first joined the lifestyle, we weren't sure what we were looking for/interested in (as most people I'm sure).

We both naturally feel comfortable in the swinging environment, but we quickly learned we both have different tastes.

Myself, I prefer to use the lifestyle as an extension or enhancement of our relationship, therefore I'm mostly interested in same room situations, but not completely closed minded to other encounters. While the misses has discovered that she is more so interested in individual experiences, which I may not be comfortable with but I accept, we are different people with different tastes in that respect.

Shortly after entering the lifestyle the misses met a male at a party. She expressed her interest in him, which I was fine with- I mean we joined the lifestyle to pursue our personal desires after all! At first everything seemed fine, she asked if it would be fine to go out on solo hang outs with him, which at the time I had no problem with. After a few months of this went by, she asked for permission to sleep with him. At the time it didn't seem conventional to what I was into, but I know what works for me isn't necessarily what works for her- so I gave my consent. Thereafter, their relationship seemed to develop, they both definitely were into the situation, and all of a sudden I felt on the outside looking in. I became insecure, and uncomfortable with the situation. I approached the misses about this, and she understood- and vowed that their friendship would never go to that point again (Platonic basically).

Since then, they have stayed in close contact and went out for drinks in the evening quite often to hang out and enjoy each others company.

As much as it makes me uncomfortable, I have tried to cope with their arrangement, after all I don't want to be that partner that ties the other one down on a stake because they are insecure. But truth is I am uncomfortable with how close they have become. And when I bring it up with my spouse the idea of cutting ties never reaches the surface- it always goes to defending her freedoms she currently has with him.

I know they talk on a regular basis and it wears on me. I would love to come to terms with their friendship, but circumstances of the past makes it hard for me to believe that that's all it is- a friendship. (There are parts I left out so I wouldn't leave a novel on here, there were times she omitted facts of their encounters for one reason or another.)

I don't know where to go from here.

We love the lifestyle and have had many great experiences in it- but this one seems to loom over most of the positive experiences we've had.

Any advice would be much appreciated!

Personally, I think it's simple- you are not communicating to her and you are not telling her how you really feel. You say you don't want to be unfair to her, but withholding your feelings isn't unfair to her- it's unfair to yourself. You think you are making her happy by bending over backwards about this, but why is possible long term resentment the better option? She can't do right by you if you don't tell her how you feel and give her the chance to. The first tenant of the lifestyle is communication and honesty. You are lapsing on that and that is the part that is unfair.

Talk to her and do it now. In a marriage one person can't be happy alone. You both need to be. She is carrying on because you are teaching her that it is okay with you to do so. You teach people how to treat you in life, so when you make your feelings clear, you give her the information she will need to do right by you and your marriage.

Best of luck

Thanks for the input,

Unfortuantely i have communicated my uneasiness with their arrangement, and she has defended their friendship so that they may stay in contact( our friends in this city are few and I try my best to weigh this as well). I value her feelings and have tried to allow things the way they are, but I always seem to come back around to not being "ok" with the arrangement.

This is a tough one. I can see how this bothers you as she is seeking comfort(perhaps more than sexual) with someone else. Something that is missing from her life with you.

IF you communicate your feelings clearly to her, especially your discomfort with their close friendship, and she insists on continuing to see this man, you do have a problem. Once you have been open, honest and put your relationship with her first, and she refuses to understand the danger this poses to your relationship, you are left with the reality. This is not swinging, this is an emotional affair. The fact that you note that she has been duplicitous in leaving out significant facts of their encounters is further evidence.

Finally, are you sure that their relationship has stopped being physical? Doesn't sound like it to me.

Swinging works because of open communication, trust, love and caring. Her reactions don't display those qualities. Your discomfort should be important to her. It clearly is not.

I'm sorry, I know this is hard to hear. But this, in my view, is a serious situation that needs to be addressed as such.

T

I would second what AngelandTiger have said. From what you have described she is having an emotional affair and is not that interested in your feelings.

I am not sure how directly you have confronted her with this? I am not sure if she even realizes it. She is probably just enjoying the extra attention, and sexy vibes she is getting. It is odd to me that you and her do not have other friends. It would probably be worth spending time looking for some of those?

Good Luck with it.

I will third what AngelandTiger said and second what Curiouscouple said. This isn't swinging anymore, this is becoming closer and closer to cheating. Even with all of the fun and adventures that we have had, if either one of us had a problem with what the other was doing and asked that we stopped it, we would be done...walking away without looking back. Our relationship is more important than anything we do in this and neither of us are willing to damage it in the slightest. That she isn't listening to what you are saying (or you are not saying it clear enough) is a VERY BAD THING. I would suggest at least taking a complete break until you can get back to where you were when you started. Swinging is usually 'just sex', sometimes with a poly connection BETWEEN EVERYONE involved. That the two of them are perusing a deeper emotional connection without involving you is a serious warning sign.

Yeah, if what you say is correct and you have communicated, you are possibly heading into trouble I would say. Everything needs to be based on mutual respect. I might suggest the next step is to see if the two of you can agree to step away from the lifestyle part of things for a little while and focus on each other. It sounds like there is a possibility that she is headed towards or already in an emotional affair. I'm really not the biggest fan of the "hall pass" mentality of allowing your spouse to wander around and play separately. I feel this lifestyle works best with both participating or not at all. However, I'm basing that on my feelings and I can't pretend to know or dictate what works best for another couple. What I can say though is that based on what you have said, it obviously isn't working for you so there is a problem.

I get that people in the lifestyle can make friends with partners. That's okay, but from what I have read and what I have been told so far, it is not common for couples to hang out with one or another on an individual level. Usually its more of a double date kind of thing. Not always of course, and I have heard of instances where maybe the girls or the guys hang out separately, but they usually aren't super frequent as far as I can tell. The fact that your wife and this guy are spending so much time together is worrisome in my opinion.

My feeling is that part of making the lifestyle work means that a couple needs to agree that at any sign of problems, discomfort, or issues (personal or otherwise) one party should reserve the right to end the lifestyle or activity at any time. If the relationship is built on respect and trust and confidence, then this shouldn't be much of a problem for anyone. At the very least I doubt its common to take a temporary break from it. There could be a variety of reasons (death in the family, wanting to have a baby, change in career, or anything that may result in the lifestyle causing an excessive layer of stress at the moment).

So I think the next test is to see if you two can agree to just take a break. People in this lifestyle seem to be a very understanding and supportive group so I imagine that if you tell them that you are taking a break they will all understand and send you best wishes and will be happy to reconnect with you if\when you decide to return. If you two can successfully take a break and she can stop seeing him temporarily or permanently as you two may agree to, then I think this has a shot or working out long term and keeping your relationship intact. If she doesn't think she can stop seeing him and argues that "they are just friends," then I think you may have a serious problem on your hands and may need to consider that there are deep marital issues around the corner.

Best of luck.