How do you decide to play while on a first date?

When we meet people for drinks or dinner, sometimes I would like to play with them immediately. My wife, quite appropriately, suggests that we have a discussion together before we play to make sure that we are both on board.

But we do not want to have that discussion in front of the other people. What do other people do? I suggested code words, but my wife does not like that suggestion. If you excuse yourselves to talk, it is obvious.

I will admit that it usually works out itself. It seems most people want a vanilla meeting first and plan a play session later if all agree. That is better than playing and having a bad time. Although we've played on the first date with success, too.

What do other people do?

We have handled this in a few different ways, trying to be smooth about it, and sometimes failing miserably at that!

We often can get a pretty good sense of things from seeing how each other are engaging with our potential play partner, looking for body language clues, or catching each other's eye for a second and seeing whether there's lust or disgust there. If it's looking like a pretty easy decision, we may use a code that we've got to indicate to each other how we'd like the evening to proceed. But I agree that sometimes that isn't enough. Sometimes the Mrs. has excused herself to use the facilities, and texted me while she was away. And sometimes we have both excused ourselves, kind of an "Excuse me for a sec, I'm going to the ladies room." "Oh, I'll find the men's room, too" kind of thing. That may be pretty transparent to the other couple, but if you need to talk, that is more important. And on occasion, we have tried the up-front approach and simply said, "we are going to excuse ourselves and give you two a moment to talk, while we chat."

There is nothing wrong with being obvious. When we ask people to play on the first date, we'll say something like, "We're cool with staying here and talking, but if you'd like, we'd like to go play. We'll go grab drinks so you have a chance to talk by yourselves."

We can determine usually ourselves by a whisper or look before making the offer. You will get to be able to tell by your spouse's behavior how they are feeling about the other couple. Or, one of us will go to the bathroom, the other waits a couple minutes, then we talk outside the bathroom real quick. It's the kind of thing that takes two seconds, because unless you are both, "yes" "yes" right away, you shouldn't do it that night. Any concerns or things that need to be discussed first, should probably be slept on and talked about in the light of day.

If you are texty people one can go to the bathroom, send a text, the other answer yes or no at the table. As above, this is yes or no, if discussion is needed = no.

Knowing that the other couple is probably going through the same thing, we keep the first meeting vanilla (period). This way everyone gets the chance to talk in private and that nobody is possibly 'taking one for the team'. I'm sure that there is always the chance that the first meeting is all rainbows and fireworks and not ruling out playing on a first date, but what's the big rush? For us, it's much more fun working towards the second (and third) meetings than just jumping into bed and potentially being sorry the next morning.

We have signals for yes and no. A no, by either person trumps a yes by the other. We can discuss why’s later if we want to. Very simply, a no vote is no, not in invitation for discussion or compromise. That way, it always works.

Knowing that the other couple is probably going through the same thing, we keep the first meeting vanilla (period). This way everyone gets the chance to talk in private and that nobody is possibly 'taking one for the team'. I'm sure that there is always the chance that the first meeting is all rainbows and fireworks and not ruling out playing on a first date, but what's the big rush? For us, it's much more fun working towards the second (and third) meetings than just jumping into bed and potentially being sorry the next morning.

I agree, there's normally NO rush. In situations like ours, however, with the number of teens we have at home, our time out is VERY limited; often, we get to play only once/month. While we often try to see a couple/single briefly on an extra night out, the reality is that if we put off play 'till the next or later meeting, it's tantamount to saying "We'd like to play with you, we'll schedule something in a month or two".....not very inviting. So we've changed our rules such that if we decide we will play with this couple during the meet and greet, (and we'll signal this using code or a text), we do... Other than that, I can't think of any reason to rush....

We go by quick 'yes or no' interested or not during a lull in the conversation. We pretty much have only had luck at clubs, due to our kid schedule as well. If it is not ago immediately it is not a go. Usually there is enough noise, distraction for one of us to squeeze the others hand or whisper in the others ear, 'Are we in?'

As far as asking the other couple. After a certain amount of positive body language, we just ask, or get asked.

Knowing that the other couple is probably going through the same thing, we keep the first meeting vanilla (period). This way everyone gets the chance to talk in private and that nobody is possibly 'taking one for the team'. I'm sure that there is always the chance that the first meeting is all rainbows and fireworks and not ruling out playing on a first date, but what's the big rush? For us, it's much more fun working towards the second (and third) meetings than just jumping into bed and potentially being sorry the next morning.

It is like you wrote my response for me! This is how we do things as well.

Well, we have done this a couple of times when we've met a couple. This is when we're staying in a hotel regardless. "Hello. We know you'll want to chat this over. We're very interested and if you'd like, we at his hotel and here's a room key (the room number will be written on it with a marker). We hope to see you there, yet if not, no worries. Hope to see you with the hour." We'll typically wait an hour and see if they show up. If they don't , we'll have new keys made in the lobby explaining we dropped one and could they reset the code. This way only the new keys will work the room door. Never a problem at the desk. We have fun either way.

I agree, there's normally NO rush. In situations like ours, however, with the number of teens we have at home, our time out is VERY limited; often, we get to play only once/month. While we often try to see a couple/single briefly on an extra night out, the reality is that if we put off play 'till the next or later meeting, it's tantamount to saying "We'd like to play with you, we'll schedule something in a month or two".....not very inviting. So we've changed our rules such that if we decide we will play with this couple during the meet and greet, (and we'll signal this using code or a text), we do... Other than that, I can't think of any reason to rush....

It just seems like part of the fun, the excitement, whether you are at a club or meeting at a bar is the immediacy of the whole thing. Meeting, talking, flirting, seducing and satisfying. Making an appointment for a later dates seems to reduce it to a business meeting or doctor’s appointment.

When we meet people for drinks or dinner, sometimes I would like to play with them immediately. My wife, quite appropriately, suggests that we have a discussion together before we play to make sure that we are both on board.

 

But we do not want to have that discussion in front of the other people. What do other people do? I suggested code words, but my wife does not like that suggestion. If you excuse yourselves to talk, it is obvious.

 

I will admit that it usually works out itself. It seems most people want a vanilla meeting first and plan a play session later if all agree. That is better than playing and having a bad time. Although we've played on the first date with success, too.

 

What do other people do?

We have a more practical approach to inviting the other couple to swing and swap mates. One can almost get the vibes if the other couple is willing to play. When we meet the couple, and, really like them (both him/her are attractive) then there is no point in dilly dallying before you approach them to suggest play and swap of mates. Our experience is that the other slow approach, another meeting, etc., is counterproductive. Just feel them out and if there is sufficient chemistry and both wife and I agree to invite them to play (full swap intended) just ask and if they say no, find another couple to play with. That way you are done with, either yes or no!

Just our two cents.

We agree that there is no rush but we've also determined that if the attraction is obvious, none of us will get better looking or thinner or younger if we put it off. I can usually tell if Mrs Doc is attracted to the guy and she'll know if the other woman is feeling a good vibe for me as well. Depending upon where we are, we'll say something like, "wanna take this to the back"? (club) or "let's take this some place a bit more private"(our home or theirs or, on the rare occasion a hotel room). Some of this goes back to kissing for us. If we have shared some passionate kisses with another couple over the course of a public encounter, the invitation to play sort of flows naturally.

Sahajacpl, do you speak with each other before you ask the other couple to play? Or can you "tell" that both of you are on board?

I think it is an interesting topic. Honestly, it does usually work itself out. Neither couple is psyched, both couples are psyched, other couple does not play on first date, etc.

We usually err on the cautious side. We've had less than stellar play sessions, but you can't always predict that from our initial meeting.

I've found that in general life works out better when people are relatively transparent in the interactions with others. As a single who by agreement with my (non-playing) wife plays only with couples and who usually has a dinner or other prelim, I employ the following strategy. If the meeting has gone well to that point, and I find myself prepared to play that evening, I'll tell them that and then suggest that I'll leave the couple to themselves if they'd like some private time. I go to the restroom or find some other place to be for five minutes and then I return.

I'm careful not to imply I'll be disappointed if they aren't feeling the same attraction, Sometimes I'll even tell them straight up that they should feel free to be as candid with me as I've been with them. I find it seems to work best to be candid and not, as the saying goes, to beat around the bush. If I'm straightforward the couple tends to be a sell.

Sometimes one of them (generally the man) will say they've conferred and they'd like to play now. Sometimes they will say it's been nice getting to know one another, but they make it explicit that they aren't feeling the same attraction for me that I am for them Other times they say they're not up for playing then, but want to reflect on whether they'd like to play on another date. With the exception of people who are upfront about not playing on a first date, nothing further happens with those folks.

It's a little easier if you are effectively single. You know what you want to do.

In theory, it's nice to be blunt and direct. But one must be sensitiVe to others.

It's a little easier if you are effectively single. You know what you want to do.

 

In theory, it's nice to be blunt and direct. But one must be sensitiVe to others.

It's important to be able to be direct without veering over the line into bluntness. And I admit that can be a fine line.

I think that everyone will agree that swinging sharpens your social skills, as well as communication with your significant other,

As a single male, near the end of our first meeting (dinner or drinks) I excuse my self to go to the men's room, whether I need to go or not. This gives the couple some time to talk and when I return I am often greeted with an invitation to join them in their bed.