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eldiablo311

How do I handle this topic with my wife?

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So a brief description of my marriage, my wife is bi-sexual and has always said she is interested and comfortable with fucking other girls...no problem there.

 

During our 4 year marriage she has fucked 1 girl and 2 guys in front of me. She pursued the girl on our honeymoon and that was all her doing, I was caught by complete surprise! As far as the guys go, she says she was a lot more comfortable with the 2nd guy she fucked and didn't feel as nervous/weird about it as she did with the first guy. I am thinking the more she does it the better she will feel about it and feel even more comfortable. She also has repeatedly said the only reason she has fucked other guys is because it is a big fantasy of mine to see, which it is. She admits she enjoys aspects of it to some extent, especially the flirting part, sex not as much, but they were both smaller than me and she admitted that was a big part of why the sex wasn't as good and she didn't cum.

 

So last year at this time she fantasized, with a realistic dildo she has, about fucking a guy she hypothetically met off of craigslist, and she came really hard, so I pursued this idea afterwards. I found a guy she thought was really cute and it initially seemed very promising, a lot of texting back and forth and exchanging pictures, but in the end he flaked out. After that she said she wasn't feeling into it anymore and said to wait till another time in the future to ask her again.

 

So I took a big break, and now here we are almost a year later and I am trying to bring the idea up again, but she still seems like she is not quite in the mood for it. I am talking to a guy off swinglifestyle that she thought was hot last year that really likes her pics and seems very respectful and has very positive "certs" lined up. He is ready to meet us as long as my wife is into it. Just so you know, last year when she finally got into the idea of finding a fuck buddy, I was the one to pursue it and initially she seemed bothered by the idea but as time went by she warmed up to the idea and seemed into it until he flaked out.

 

I want to show my wife that email between me and the guy off swinglifestyle this weekend to see if that will spark any interest. What do you think I should do? I am especially interested in the female perspective!

 

I know my wife likes doing this stuff under the right circumstances and I also know that if it is going to happen, I will have to be the one to bring it up and pursue it. My wife is very trustworthy and monogamous, so I feel that if this is ever going to happen, I would have to be the one encouraging her to do it because she would feel like she is disrespecting me if she were to be the one to bring it up. In other words, I feel like she thinks if she brought up the topic, it might make me feel insecure in our relationship.

 

Any thoughts/suggestions?

 

Thanks!

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The part that seems to be missing here is the middle...the pursuit. You've got step 1, you both are talking about it and seem to be communicating openly and honestly. You've had step 3, the sex, and while it went just ok it doesn't sound like it was a definite deal killer for anything in the future. On step 1, there may be some taking a "maybe" as a definite "yes" on your part, but to this point she hasn't unequivocally said no, so that kind of leaves that middle ground open to interpretation. On the communication end, both of you better defining that middle ground is what I would work on. To my main point though, the pursuit...

 

If she shows no interest at all in step 2, finding someone for her to play with, then I would take that as a sign she just isn't interested in this right now. While it's not uncommon for just one half of a couple to handle most of the online work of swinging with checking the profile for new messages and so on, that doesn't mean the other doesn't become involved eventually when something of interest happens. The fact that she has shown no interest at all in the search for a guy for her is a pretty good indication that well, she has no interest at all. That doesn't have to mean it will be that way forever (or maybe it will be), but right now, I think that's how it is.

 

Think about it, how much interest would you have if she brought another woman to you? She found her, she's the one that's been talking to her, together they have been working out a plan, and so on. Would you feel like you wanted to have sex with this yet unknown to you person just because?

 

My advice is patience. Just let things happen on their own, they may eventually happen like you want, or very possibly not, but trying to hard to make something happen in swinging is almost a sure-fire way to mess things up. When she starts showing interest in finding playmates, that's when you will know she is interested.

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Thanks for the good advice! Yeah, as far as the middle part, the pursuit, she has always said she doesn't like it essentially being fake...like paying a male stripper to dance for her. She likes it to be organic and natural, in other words, she seems to like it when we are on vacation, somewhere like Vegas, and we go out and walk into a bar separately so she can flirt with guys that show interest in her and take it from there. She likes it when there is natural chemistry/flirting with a person that she met out somewhere in "normal" circumstances. I think she needs to feel some sort of connection with the person she is going to fuck. That "chase" and flirting get her in the mood I think, and I think that is what is missing with the online thing.

 

So maybe the idea of seeking out a fuck buddy for her online is not the right approach for her right now and we will have to leave these activities for vacation time exclusively right now. My thinking on it was, well you have been disappointed in the type of lovers you have had so far, as in their size and performance in bed, so I figured why not pick out a guy that has certs on line and we don't have to worry about that!

 

Every time I bring up the topic of her fucking another guy, she never gives a hard no, but instead says "I'm not guaranteeing anything", so I think she is into doing this stuff again, but it has to be the right place and time. So I will continue to be patient like you said, I just want to make sure she understands that I still am VERY okay with it happening again and want to see it happen again when she is ready. Ultimately, like I told her, it is only erotic and hot for me if she is into it also!

 

At the very least right now, I will show her the email string between me and that guy and let her read what he had to say and let her think about it. Can't hurt to show her the interest this guy has in her and then leave it at that. Last year, somehow I got her in the mood to fuck that guy from online, and thinking back on it what I was doing I remember I was sending a lot of dirty GIF's and pic's about hotwifing and swinging off of the Tumblr site and telling her stuff like "I want to want to watch you do this!".

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Careful...she may not be overjoyed to find that you have been pursuing this even after she has said that she wants to stop. Before showing her anything, I would suggest having another talk with her about it. I also think that you might want to try a different 'tact' in accomplishing this. Instead of trying to find someone, it sounded like SHE likes to try and find someone. I'm thinking maybe going away for a weekend or so to somewhere that there is a swingers club and allowing her to be involved in the chase. At a club, you will know that most men are probably interested and able to perform, and wouldn't have a problem with you being there and watching. By making it a special trip, it puts everything on safe neutral ground and it keeps it out of 'your backyard'.

 

Bottom line is that this is a team sport and it should always be done together. You should never try to make her feel forced into any situation. No matter what you decide to do, the first thing should be having you two talk about it. See if she is interested in following up and, if she isn't, be ready to drop it if that is what she wants (at least for the time being). It is kind of interesting that you started out with saying that your wife is bi-sexual, but you are really pushing her towards other men (hotwifing). Maybe she would be more interested in finding another couple so she can fill her interest in other women as well? Just some thoughts. Let us know how things go and we wish you good luck...

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Thanks again for the good advice!

 

Yeah, like you said this is a "team" activity and requires us both to be on board, so I will probably have to wait till our next trip alone somewhere. She always seems to open up to this idea more on a vacation, maybe because she can relax more and think about it more, or maybe also because it is not in our "backyard" as you said.

 

It's funny though how some small things have changed in our marriage since we have done this a few times. For instance, now when we are watching football, even with her brothers, she will make somewhat lude remarks about guys she would like to fuck like Tom Brady or Julian Edleman and so forth! Lol! I laugh at it and I know she is saying it somewhat to turn me on...in the beginning of our relationship, there is NO WAY she would have said those things in front of me because she knows it would have made me mad to hear that back then.

 

Also, like you mentioned, she LOVES women and has NEVER argued the idea of fucking another girl! So maybe I should encourage her to pursue that more, maybe find another couple like we did before where me and the other husband watch our wives go at it and then have same room sex afterwards or something.

 

Honestly, why I am encouraging the hotwifing thing with other guys, is because to me, it seems more erotic! Maybe because of the visual of it? In other words with a guy you can obviously see how turned on he is for my wife and when he cums there is an obvious visual especially if he pulls out and takes the condom off and cums on her like the last guy did to her! There is no faking that with a guy! Lol! Don't get me wrong, seeing 2 beautiful women writhing around naked with each other in bed is extremely hot and I would love to see that again also! It would be great if my wife eventually came around to the idea of letting me fuck another girl also, but if that never happens I'm am very happy with what we have been doing so far!!

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Just a quick update. Out of the interest of being completely honest, I did show my wife the email and she just said that she didn't want to do it. We did just talk about the process part you were talking about and I said to her "you need things to happen more naturally huh?" and she agreed and said that she likes "romance" and she is a "lover". She also said that it has happened in the past so she can't say it won't happen again!

 

So I told her I guess we will have to wait for our next vacation to start thinking about that happening. Time to start planning a vacation! Lol! Like I need another reason to plan time off of work! ;)

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Congrats. Living Sexy Radio just used your question on the air and you have won a 3 day 2 night vacation. If you want to hear our answer to your question go to livingsexyradio.com and listen to the show on Aroma Attraction which will be posted by August 31st. Thank you for being a part of swingersboard.com.

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I know one thing, it makes planning a vacation just THAT much more special and exciting! Let us know how things progress.

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Thanks again for the good advice!

 

Yeah, like you said this is a "team" activity and requires us both to be on board, so I will probably have to wait till our next trip alone somewhere. She always seems to open up to this idea more on a vacation, maybe because she can relax more and think about it more, or maybe also because it is not in our "backyard" as you said.

 

It's funny though how some small things have changed in our marriage since we have done this a few times. For instance, now when we are watching football, even with her brothers, she will make somewhat lude remarks about guys she would like to fuck like Tom Brady or Julian Edleman and so forth! Lol! I laugh at it and I know she is saying it somewhat to turn me on...in the beginning of our relationship, there is NO WAY she would have said those things in front of me because she knows it would have made me mad to hear that back then.

 

Also, like you mentioned, she LOVES women and has NEVER argued the idea of fucking another girl! So maybe I should encourage her to pursue that more, maybe find another couple like we did before where me and the other husband watch our wives go at it and then have same room sex afterwards or something.

 

Honestly, why I am encouraging the hotwifing thing with other guys, is because to me, it seems more erotic! Maybe because of the visual of it? In other words with a guy you can obviously see how turned on he is for my wife and when he cums there is an obvious visual especially if he pulls out and takes the condom off and cums on her like the last guy did to her! There is no faking that with a guy! Lol! Don't get me wrong, seeing 2 beautiful women writhing around naked with each other in bed is extremely hot and I would love to see that again also! It would be great if my wife eventually came around to the idea of letting me fuck another girl also, but if that never happens I'm am very happy with what we have been doing so far!!

 

I've been reading through this thread and there is something that does not compute here. Let's see if I'm understanding this right.

 

1. Eldiablo311's wife is bisexual, and what she is really eager to do is have sex with other women.

2. Eldiablo311 would like for his wife to have sex with another guy, which apparently she has done before, but currently she has no real interest in this.

3. Eldiablo311 would also like to have sex with another woman, but his wife apparently will not currently allow this.

 

Is it just me, or is there something very wrong with this picture? Indeed, I'm not seeing this as a swinging scenario at all.

 

Cave Bear

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I've been reading through this thread and there is something that does not compute here. Let's see if I'm understanding this right.

 

1. Eldiablo311's wife is bisexual, and what she is really eager to do is have sex with other women.

2. Eldiablo311 would like for his wife to have sex with another guy, which apparently she has done before, but currently she has no real interest in this.

3. Eldiablo311 would also like to have sex with another woman, but his wife apparently will not currently allow this.

 

Is it just me, or is there something very wrong with this picture? Indeed, I'm not seeing this as a swinging scenario at all.

 

Cave Bear

 

If this is not "fitting in with your swinging scenario" is that a problem? Most people on here are accepting and non-judgmental. What works for us might not work for you and visa versa...so what's the problem? Why does that rub you the wrong way as it appears to? Who is to say this, in the long run, might not end up being a true "swinger" "full swap" type marriage? Why does it matter to you if it doesn't?

 

If either one of us is having sex with another person while we are married and the partner not only knows about it, but encourages it, this, in the vanilla world would most likely be called "swinging, just my opinion.

 

Why does this bother you so much? If fact, I have read posts from "experienced swingers" that have been doing it for many, many years, and now they prefer to have only MFM type situations because it is not as hard to find that chemistry and they enjoy focusing the attention on their wife. Why is that a problem? I don't get it.

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Is it just me, or is there something very wrong with this picture? Indeed, I'm not seeing this as a swinging scenario at all.
Any time that a person here, Cave Bear, or a any Web site tries to define swinging, that attempt to define is doomed to failure. Swing is many different things to many different people. I tried recently, for example, in a different forum to declare what was not swinging. I learned how difficult that even the not-swing judgement can be.
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Any time that a person here, Cave Bear, or a any Web site tries to define swinging, that attempt to define is doomed to failure. Swing is many different things to many different people. I tried recently, for example, in a different forum to declare what was not swinging. I learned how difficult that even the not-swing judgement can be.

 

Thank you for saying that! I have been on here for many years, and found a lot of great advice, that is why I continue to come on to this site! Many of you have great advice that has helped my wife and I with this journey, and I very much appreciate it!

 

Swinging is very hard to define like you said I think also, and I think what is great about the lifestyle is the non-pressure attitude and accepting attitude that many swingers have! Everybody's situation and kinks/fetishes are different, who are we to judge who is "correct" as long as you are not hurting anyone and you are honest with your partner!!

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If this is not "fitting in with your swinging scenario" is that a problem? Most people on here are accepting and non-judgmental. What works for us might not work for you and visa versa...so what's the problem? Why does that rub you the wrong way as it appears to? Who is to say this, in the long run, might not end up being a true "swinger" "full swap" type marriage? Why does it matter to you if it doesn't?

 

If either one of us is having sex with another person while we are married and the partner not only knows about it, but encourages it, this, in the vanilla world would most likely be called "swinging, just my opinion.

 

Why does this bother you so much? If fact, I have read posts from "experienced swingers" that have been doing it for many, many years, and now they prefer to have only MFM type situations because it is not as hard to find that chemistry and they enjoy focusing the attention on their wife. Why is that a problem? I don't get it.

 

You infer too much. Indeed, you doth protest too much, methinks, let alone you failed to address a single point that I made in my earlier post, which says a lot. Hit a nerve, did I? The fact is I've been in the lifestyle, with multiple women, for several years, and have seen, and in many cases experienced, most of the various permutations that can be found in swinging. And yes, I will hold my experiences up with anyone on this board. And just so we are clear on this, there is no "problem", certainly not with me.

 

The "problem", if you want to call it that, is actually yours, in that your wife is not interested in swinging. The scenario your described is not really swinging at all. When one cuts through all the verbiage of your earlier posts, what your situation all comes down to is that your wife wants to play with the girls, she's not really interested in having sex with any guys other than, presumably, yourself, and you get to go sit in the corner and you'd better keep your pants zipped and your mouth shut. I know what this is, but it's not swinging.

 

Now, you can go out and buy a pizza, and turn around and proclaim to all the world that it is, in fact, a turkey sandwich, and further insist that anyone who points out that it is a pizza is wrong, has a "problem", is a "h8r", or whatever other "feelz" buzzword you care to toss out. And yes, you will almost invariably find some people who will agree with you that your pizza is actually a turkey sandwich, because you say so.

 

But you know what? At the end of the day, it's still a fucking pizza.

 

But having said all that, whatever it is you and your wife are looking for and hope to accomplish, I wish you well.

 

Cave Bear

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Any time that a person here, Cave Bear, or a any Web site tries to define swinging, that attempt to define is doomed to failure. Swing is many different things to many different people. I tried recently, for example, in a different forum to declare what was not swinging. I learned how difficult that even the not-swing judgement can be.

 

I think this is a case of anyone who wants to be a member of 'our club', can be (as long as what they are doing isn't cheating). If you think you are a swinger, then you are!

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@cavebear:

 

Wow! Someone really thinks highly of themselves and their self perceived "superb intelligence and great wisdom!" I don't appreciate your patronizing tone one bit! You are the type of judgemental person that I and others, like Mike and Holly, in another post on this site don't appreciate. You claim to be in the lifestyle...well you are a bad representation of a lifestyle! The lifestyle is supposed to be open, honest, accepting, and respectful of ALL peoples relationships and boundaries!

 

Also your condescending comment regarding my wife's hypothetical comment to me about sitting in the corner with my pants zipped and mouth shut shows that you don't understand my wife and our marriage one bit! My wife would NEVER talk to me like that and I would NEVER stand for that kind of degrading talk! What my wife and I do together is for US as and our adventure together! My wife and I love each other and respect each other and will tell the day we die! What we do together is a sexual adventure that we are sharing together...if you don't get that, then, well, I'm sorry for you!

 

Lastly I find it amusing how you start out your most recent condescending post talking in old style English then degrade into talking like the local gang banger/drug dealer dropping f-bombs! Methinks you are but a fraud! Good day Sir!

 

Luckily the vast majority of people I have interacted with in the lifestyle and on here do not share your close minded attitude!

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