Wife and I finally agreed to soft swap, please give us advice.

jp0317 said:

Can you please give advice to my wife to ease her fears? Any steps that we need to look for the right couple?

It would be a good start to know more about your wife's thinking. Can she give you (and maybe us, too, since she's reading along with you!) any more detail about why she feels tentative about being touched by another man? Is she concerned that you will feel jealous? Worried that she will not be attractive to another man? Fearful that she may find the other man more sexually satisfying than you, and be left wanting more when you two have sex? Afraid that she may develop feelings for a play partner?

My suggestion for finding another couple is to seek out people who are experienced, so that they can guide you as to how this all works. You will also want a couple who are sensitive to your "newbie" status and good with it- some experienced lifestyle people prefer not to play with first-timers. You will want to make sure that a couple you choose to play with is OK with soft swap only, and will not try to push you beyond your limits. It might be good to sit down to dinner with prospective play couples before you go off to the playroom with them, so you can get to know them a little, become more comfortable around them, gauge their compatibility on the items I listed above, and see if there's a spark of chemistry among you all.

This adventure that you are eagerly awaiting is happening nearly a year from now- but you don't actually have to wait until then to give this a go! As I may have mentioned to you guys previously, you can try to meet some people closer to home in the intervening 11 months, and see if you're both really interested in swinging before you create a lot of high hopes (dare I say expectations?) for one vacation.

That ^^^^^^^ was some serious advice.

I can't add much except to say that there is a WIDE divide between "Fantasy Land" and the actual reality of seeing your partner with someone else. We had some serious fantasies acted out in our bed before we actually decided to play with another couple. After it was over, we both admitted that we didn't enjoy it as much as we could have because of our concern for each others reactions to it. I was afraid Mr H might have second thoughts after me being with another man, and he was the same about me. Afterwards, and fortunately for us, we both thought it was fun and decided to try it again. After 4 years of being with another couple once every 6-8 weeks or so we finally worked our way up to me having my first gang bang. So it can easily progress into something erotic and unbelievably pleasurable, OR ...... it can be a disappointment for you both if you felt uncomfortable. Just remember that you both have to be TOTALLY honest throughout the entire situation and never, ever feel "obligated" to do something just to please your spouse. Above all, HAVE FUN. If it isn't fun don't do it.

I keep telling myself I should wait to hear why your wife is hesitant, but I'm going to jump in anyway. One reason a woman might be hesitant to have a new man touch her, one she's not emotionally involved with, is that she's just never done that before, and it feels weird to picture it. Many women have no experience with casual sex, especially if they married young. If that's her feeling, or if she's just picturing swinger males as creepers who won't be respectful, it might help for her to meet some experienced, solid couples to see how likable and respectful they can be. As is often said on the boards, most swingers are some of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Seeing that might help her feel more comfortable with the whole trip, no matter what you choose to do (or not do).

Hi this is Issah (wife)... thank you so much for the advice. Here's the reason why I'm nervous, and I talked this through with my hubby.

1. My hubby is the first man who touched me and we were raised in a conservative culture... everything is first, first kiss, first lovemaking.

2. I'm afraid that he will not respect me after this...

3. I'm afraid that I will not be attractive to other men.

Again, thank you so much for all the help.

jp0317 said:

Hi this is Issah (wife)... thank you so much for the advice. Here's the reason why I'm nervous, and I talked this through with my hubby.

Hello, Issah! Thank you very much for coming here to describe your thinking about this.

jp0317 said:

1. My hubby is the first man who touched me and we were raised in a conservative culture... everything is first, first kiss, first lovemaking.

I do not share the same cultural heritage as you, but I can imagine that the kind of conservative upbringing that you had must have put some deep roots into your mind about what is acceptable and "normal" behavior. By entering the swinging lifestyle, you are making a conscious, voluntary (I hope!) decision to set aside those cultural traditions in which you were raised, and to do things that go against those norms. I remember that my wife had some hesitation initially about having sex with other guys, as she was hearing her mother's voice in her head, telling her how wrong her thoughts and (planned) actions were. One thing that helped her to get past this mental block was the realization that her life was hers to live, in whatever way she wanted, and that as long as what she did was legal and was not hurting anybody, she had no one to answer to for her actions other than herself and me- and I was fully supporting her intention to enter the lifestyle!

jp0317 said:

2. I'm afraid that he will not respect me after this...

I can tell you that, when I saw my wife having sex with someone else, I felt genuine happiness for her, for the fact that she was feeling and giving pleasure. I also was really proud of her, for being bold and adventurous enough to go on this adventure with me! I can honestly say that I respect my wife even more after we entered the lifestyle, because we are both more open and honest than ever, and she is courageously exploring this long-hidden part of herself in partnership with me!

jp0317 said:

3. I'm afraid that I will not be attractive to other men.

My wife (and, if we're being honest, I) had a concern starting out that prospective play partners would not find us attractive and sexy. I would tell her that she was hot and beautiful, but she never quite believed it completely, saying "you have to say that- you're married to me." Well, now that she has heard the same thing from many guys (and, incidentally, not a few women!), I think she is finally starting to believe it! She does not have a skinny model body, and she's not 25 any more, but she is sexy, has a light in her eyes, and projects a friendly and sexy spirit that many men find really attractive. So I predict that, rather than feeding any insecurity about your attractiveness, entering the lifestyle will actually improve your self-confidence about your attractiveness!

I hope you find these anecdotes helpful and reassuring. I think your concerns are not too different from those faced by many women entering the lifestyle, and I can tell you that lots of women successfully overcome these issues and go on to have satisfying and exciting lifestyle adventures! I hope that you will be among them.

Thank you so much md, I really appreciate it. I understand a bit now and it really calmed my nerves. You really are nice people... I know I'm asking a lot but if I still have questions... if we still have questions... can you help us? Thanks again.

Start with simple things. Find another couple who understands or is in your same situation. Begin with kissing and go from their at everyone's comfort speed. After each new step, have a group discussion.

jp0317 said:

Thank you so much md, I really appreciate it. I understand a bit now and it really calmed my nerves. You really are nice people... I know I'm asking a lot but if I still have questions... if we still have questions... can you help us? Thanks again.

You're welcome, Issah! And of course we will try to help you if you have more questions. We love talking about swinging! But more to the point, we want to do whatever we can to help you to make a successful entry into the lifestyle, if that is what you want.

Hi, this is jp. To everyone who gave advice, thank you so much. My wife and I understand more and are starting to be more open. She enjoys every step we take. Right now I think her issues are more on self confidence, she tells me she is not beautiful enough. I will talk her through it. If you guys got more tips, please help us. Again thank you so much.

jp and Issah, I just took a look at the photos you guys have posted in your album here. And I am here to tell you that Issah is very beautiful! She has a hot body, and is very shapely and desirable. This is not just me being nice- Issah, you are attractive!

Always move at the speed the slowest member is comfortable with...no matter what that speed is. There is also nothing wrong with baby steps. Never take one for the team (if you are not attracted to the other guy, find a different guy who you are attracted to). As long as you are talking, I think you will find out that everything will be okay (or really better than okay). Good luck and let us know how things go.

We have been to HEDO every year since 2001. If you don't know anyone going you will have to start introducing yourself.Start by asking questions like "how many times have you been here" or tell them this is your first time and ask for some advise, etc.

We have always liked to meet new people. After a little conversation you can tell them exactly what you said in your post. We have found most people that go there have probably gone through the same conversation and doubts you have.

The "best time" for interactions with other couples is in the nude hot tub before and then again after dinner.

I hope I am not breaking any posting rules (if I am please don't throw me off) you can post your trip dates and information on

DennyP Travel: Information Central for travel to Jamaica & the Caribbean including Hedonism II,  Breezes, Temptation, Desire Cancun, Ambiance, Couples and other resorts. I don't know if you have to join the website, but it is safe. Then you can search for others going at the same time, and maybe contact them before you go.

Good Luck in your journey.

There are many trip reports filed there about HEDO, that will give you more insight.

CoupleInMD79 said:

jp and Issah, I just took a look at the photos you guys have posted in your album here. And I am here to tell you that Issah is very beautiful! She has a hot body, and is very shapely and desirable. This is not just me being nice- Issah, you are attractive!

hi md, Issah here, thank you so much, I'm so flattered ☺️☺️☺️. It is really hard for me to step into something if I feel I'm not confident about it. Hubby and I are talking about posting our pics in ratemywand and we will both read comments, he said it will help build confidence. Of course I told him not to show my face. Your help is really appreciated and we now feel a bit comfortable... still sorting out other issues. Hope you won't get tired answering questions, thank you again.

To everyone... Thank you so much. You really took your time to help us out. Your advice really gave us insight on the truth about swingers. Thank you so much for your help, I hope you won't get tired giving us tips to help us out.

This really paved way to our communication. Hubby and I are enjoying honest talks with regards to our intimacy. I tell him what I don't like and he always make sure to take my feelings in consideration. Right now we are creating our rules to guide us by. We want to try soft swapping so if you can help us with tips on rules it will be greatly appreciated. Again thanks, it is true that swingers are really nice people.