Confusion about feeling used

The one and only couple that we have full swapped with and vice versa, when it's just the four of us, it's great. Equal time for everybody. When we go out, the other husband seems interested in meeting other girls and I feel left out and a little jealous. I have written posts about this previously. What I'm just now realizing is that I'm mostly feeling used. My husband and his wife hang out and I'm left stranded (although my husband tells me to join them but I want him to have a good time with the other wife).

Am I justified in feeling that I'm being used? I don't want to cause drama but this does bother me. Is it ok for me to tell the other husband that I am feeling used or should I just keep it to myself and either learn how to deal or get out of the situation? We really enjoy this other couple at all other times and the wife and I also have a relationship. Maybe my mindset is completely wrong and I just need to change it, but I also don't want to be a pushover and let someone do things that make me confused and then have him want to go back to his house for sex after he's done making out and touching other women.

I'm not sure what you are expecting. If you go to a club or party wouldn't you expect the other couple to play with people other than yourselves? I'm surprised that your husband and the other wife aren't interested in mingling with others also. If you are only interested in a foursome with them then maybe group activities are not for you. Somehow I think that complaining to the other husband will be drama for sure. Unless you previously agreed to only play together then he is free to meet or play with whoever he pleases. The person to talk with is your own partner since it appears that you two are not communicating your expectations.

Minding that we aren't swingers but just contemplating, I'm trying to put myself in the mens' shoes:

- If you're my wife, having you join in with me and someone else's wife is definitely going to meet my definition of "having a good time with the other wife". He was probably not suggesting FFM play out of pity, rather out of genuine enthusiasm at having you both to himself.

- If I have my own wife and am at a club with another couple, it probably would not occur to me that the other man's wife feels "used". Unless discussed otherwise, I'm assuming the understanding here is that this is a casual sex relationship, not a committment with sexual exclusivity or mutual emotional obligations, and that you've all gone to this club for the purpose of meeting other people and flirting.

- From the standpoint of the other husband, I'm pretty sure that I would be concerned about the dynamics that are coming out if I heard this. Mrs. EastInWest is game, but would probably become very defensive if another woman started feeling territorial about me and expected me to play that kind of emotionally-charged role. Mrs. EastInWest is the only woman who has any standing on that point, and it would probably be a full stop to getting involved with that person. Swinging does not neccessary mean polyamory.

Unless you guys have some kind of exclusive poly relationship with this other couple I do not see anything wrong with what this other guy is doing! Don't think he is using you anymore then you are using him. He already has a wife he is in a relationship with. He probably isn't looking to have two people that he has to be devoted to and has to answer too. Doesn't mean he doesn't like you or enjoy his time with you. Just means he is keeping his options open to others which is what many people do in the lifestyle. If that does not work for you maybe you and your husband should talk about finding another couple for more of a poly relationship. I would also suggest maybe not going to swinger places with them if you want it to be just about you four. I think by telling him you are jealous and feel used chances are they will move on, because they probably want the freedom to do what they want with who they want. Nothing not normal about that in the lifestyle.

I would talk to the other husband or to everyone as a group. Since they are the only couple you are 'with', I can see you becoming attached but apparently they are either not the same or just don't notice what is going on.

We have had something very similar happen to us. Basically she left us to 'baby sit her husband' I hate to use that term but that was the way we felt. She went off mingling and found them other couple's to play with. Obviously not inviting us along. We felt pretty fuckin' used!! That was really the last night we hung with them, and honestly we have not seen or talked to them since (last time I checked the phone is a two way device and they never contacted us either).

I will say this 'feeling awkward' about hanging with your husband is a bit off. Why not? Out relationship and having a good time together is always our first priority. If one of us is having a good time and not the other, it's not a good night.

My recommendation is three things,

1. Hang with your husband and the other wife
   
2. Mingle with crowd yourself, never know who'll you will meet.
   
3. Make sure you go out with just you and your husband
   

Is your husband aware of this situation? Have you discussed this with him?

It's really not fun feeling used, makes for a bummer evening. I would limit the losses and move on which you can do and stay friends with them.

Ms. Rebash40, when we go to a club with another couple, we generally talk first about things beforehand. We bring up the question of whether we all feel this is a "double date", where we tend to have the four of us hang out together, or if it's more just two couples going to the club, free to hook up with whoever we find there. By getting it out in the open in advance, everybody knows the deal, and hopefully rude surprises or feeling used in the way you relate are avoided- or at least known to everybody if it happens.

And by the way, I don't think your issue necessarily has anything to do with wanting a long-term exclusive or poly relationship. It's more about courtesy to your friends, when you expect that you're going out for an evening together. You should be able to do that at a club, and not have to worry that the other guy will be distracted by every shiny object in that target-rich environment!

And by the way, I don't think your issue necessarily has anything to do with wanting a long-term exclusive or poly relationship. It's more about courtesy to your friends, when you expect that you're going out for an evening together. You should be able to do that at a club, and not have to worry that the other guy will be distracted by every shiny object in that target-rich environment!

I think you're hitting the nail on the head. I won't speak for others, but in my post I just meant to say that in the absence of that type of relationship, he might be caught off guard to find out the OP had any expectations. It doesn't sound like his wife minds, and it might not occur to him that somebody else's wife minds. I doubt he means to be rude.

Naturally, though, some care is warranted in how this is brought up.

This sounds like 2 couples that used to frequent a club we went to in the past. The problem was one husband was the kind of swinger who wanted to be free to find fun people on any night he was there. His wife welcomed another couple to hang with them every time they were there (the same couple). The wife only wanted to play with the other husband. The "swinger husband" went along for a short time entertaining this couple to be nice. Since he found himself 'stuck' with this other wife he tried to bring her with him to find others to play with. She freaked out one night telling him she only wanted to play alone with him. He told her that he was already married and wasn't looking for another wife. That was the end of the foursome. It sounds like your situation might be very similar to this. Be careful and honest with yourself that you're not developing feelings for this man beyond simply swinging. You could get hurt.

...it might not occur to him that somebody else's wife minds. I doubt he means to be rude.

I agree- it may be nothing more than a mismatch of unspoken assumptions. It may be that the other guy just is not aware of Ms. Rebash40's desire to have him hang with her.

Hopefully, Ms. Rebash40, talking it out, openly and honestly, will help you and everyone else to feel more aware and comfortable. Then the four of you can decide together whether a club setting is the best place for the four of you to meet up.

The "swinger husband" went along for a short time entertaining this couple to be nice. Since he found himself 'stuck' with this other wife he tried to bring her with him to find others to play with. She freaked out one night telling him she only wanted to play alone with him. He told her that he was already married and wasn't looking for another wife.

Oh man I can totally see this happening!!!

Thanks for all the responses. I think I'm really just over analyzing the situation. I can be a little on the naive side and I think I was just completely caught off guard with some things. Having only been with one other person in my life, Im just having to adjust and get used to dealing with different emotions and interactions. I really do just want this to be a fun thing, not something I have to question all the time. In the future, I'm going to try not to overanalyze and just enjoy life!!!! I think it was just my perception of being used and I truly don't belive that was the intention of the other husband. Im realizing that there really just needs to be better communication with everyone involved. Thanks again!!

Perhaps your husband and you can make your own rounds at the club as a couple instead of him being with the usual other wife. It's clear the other husband is the type of swinger that is looking for something different when at the club and his wife would just rather play with your husband or not bother to mingle to find new friends. Nothing wrong with any of that, except that you feel like the third wheel. I think you and your husband could try to branch out and make new friends...and that seems to be what the other husband is doing too.