Is it normal to feel this way?

My husband and I are fairly new to the lifestyle in the past year or so. We decided to give it a try, looking for some excitement and adventures. As time has gone on, my husband is not as certain about the lifestyle, but because I still have an interest he is willing to continue the journey for now. If he decided he did not want to continue, I would absolutely stop.

For the majority of our time in the lifestyle, we have mostly talked with other couples and met a few couples out for drinks but nothing ever felt right. Through all of these experiences, we determined that we were really looking for another couple to hang out with, have intimate experiences and to do this on a regular basis. We really don't feel comfortable hooking up with other couples or singles just randomly. There has to be an intellectual and physical connection in order for things to happen.

A couple of months ago, we met another couple that things just really clicked with. We've continued meeting and things have led to full swap. This is the first for us and they say the same. We interact frequently by text and try to meet once a week or so. I don't know if I'm just being naive or if I've let myself become to attached but when we go out anywhere that the lifestyle is acceptable, I only wanted to spend my time with this couple for the most part. I have no desire to seek out anyone else and my husband feels the same. I was kind of under the impression this other couple felt the same.

This most recent outing, the husband apparently was very attracted to someone else and spent a great deal of time with her, dancing and making out. I felt confused because I truly did not believe that was anything this other couple was into and I felt hurt that the short amount of time that we did have to spend together, he chose to spend with someone else.

Am I wrong to be upset about this, being in the lifestyle? I would really like this "relationship" with this other couple to continue, but I definitely don't want to go through that again. Part of what I like about the lifestyle is being found desirable by someone that I find desirable, and I love being that person's focus, just me and no one else. Not sure what to think or do. I'm not sure if I should say something to this other couple or not. Help!

First--welcome. You'll get many reflections and lots of support here. Keep asking questions, you have asked an important one.

The lifestyle means many things to many people. Each couple has an interpretation that borders on unique. So long as the interpretation is shared, life is easy. When the interpretations differ, that's an opportunity to explore why, what and how the interpretation--and actions--can be reconciled.

You have an emotional investment in the other couple, an investment that might be deeper than your husband's. How the other couple views the relationship--something that is merely fun or something that heads in the polyamory direction--isn't clear from your note.

You are hardly alone in wanting something more than random NSA sex. That intellectual connection and shared values is as important to us as it is to you. Yet many others see the world through different lenses.

It's worth thinking about your own relationship, and how the relationship with the other couple has enhanced your relationship, and asking your spouse to think about the same things and then talk to each other. How does seeing and being with the other couple make your relationship more interesting, more fun, more fulfilling?

Then take the conversation further--talk about how the dynamics with the other couple make you feel good, and how your husband's seeming interest in others beyond that couple make you feel--about the fragility of the relationship with that couple and what it is he really wants out of the LS.

There's an interesting entry in John and Jackie Melfi's blog today. See the link. 5 Steps to a Closer Relationship - The principles are useful in guiding your discussion with your spouse.

Whatever you do, likely best to speak with him first, then the other couple.

Thank you for your response. I should clarify, when I said "the husband" was very attracted to someone else, I was meaning the husband from the other couple, sorry if that wasn't clear. Also, this other couple had definitely made it known that they feel this is a "unique" connection that we have and that they are very much into the relationship, although I do sometimes feel the wife is more invested than the other husband. I do feel that he doesn't want to get too close so as not to develop feelings and the wife has said as much.

We've only swapped once before we met a couple and have a friends with benefits situation with them like what you are describing. We have hung out nearly every weekend with them and do lifestyle and non lifestyle stuff with them. As far as we know they aren't looking and we're not either, but I wouldn't expect them not too since we've never brought it up.

Were you at a lifestyle club and the other husband was hanging out elsewhere? I would try not to take it too personally, because like you said he's trying not too get too attached and most people's goal with swinging is to get diversity.

There seem to be two 'types' of people in the L/S: quality and quantity. Quality = FWB, quantity = diversity. Sounds like the other husband is more interested in diversity...then again, there is nothing preventing him from doing so. Still doesn't hurt the feelings a bit. All four of you need to talk about this and find out if maybe this isn't a misunderstanding or what.

When we jumped into this, we were looking for that one perfect guy who could be a friend and lover. We found an awesome guy. He was great in bed, fun to talk to and hang out with. The 3 of us went on a few weekend ski trips. Same room, same bed on 2 occasions.

We learned we had made a mistake when he told J he loved her and told me I didn't deserve her by 'getting lucky' in high school. Bummer really. But now we know, keep it kinda impersonal. No weekend getaways, backing off on affection. Trying to protect everyone.

Your post shows pain. As fun as it is, be careful with your feelings.

Hi and welcome to the forum, Rebash40. I have actually read about other members feeling the way that you have with their first couple that they became attached to. Some attribute it to "hanging on" to that last shred of monogamy-thinking. In fact, I may have felt that way with our first couple. Seeing them with other people elicited some jealousy feelings because they were the first couple to take our "swinging cherry".

Another thing is that some people seek for a more polyamory situation than others. This is something you and your husband should research and talk about before going further. If you both find yourselves leaning toward that exclusivity with a couple combined with feelings and emotions, then the next step would be to talk about this with the other couple. They may or may not be interested in polyamory. However, you have stated that the other wife said her husband doesn't want to develop feelings for swing partners so it looks like a poly situation with this couple may be out of the question.

There is nothing wrong with how you feel but you do need to figure out what it is that you are looking for, talk about it with your husband (and see what he would like as well), and then go from there.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I think what you are experiencing happens to many people when they start out. We had an experience spending a lot of time with one couple like you have. Parts of it were good, but it was a big mistake in the end. It also kept us from getting to know other people that we have connections with.

I think Sun is really onto something when she speaks of the last vestiges of monogamous thinking pulling new swingers into tight relationships with the people they meet early on.

I have seen dozens of exclusive four way couples in the last couple years. I know of only one that didn't implode in a messy, heartbreaking way.

I think it's best to spread yourselves a little. It seems like this is the only couple for you, but you will meet other people that you can connect with and have sex with. When you have a network of people you really like and really like to play with things are breezy and fun.

...

I think it's best to spread yourselves a little. It seems like this is the only couple for you, but you will meet other people that you can connect with and have sex with. When you have a network of people you really like and really like to play with things are breezy and fun.

rebash40,

What funcouple and sunbuckus say is pretty wise. Because I never approached swinging as half of a monogamous couple, I never considered that aspect of it. I think having myself jumped into feet first into an already established network of swingers short circuited that aspect for me. Within that network, I have first sexually met some women with whom I later became more friends with.

The phrase "It's having sex, not making love." can mean a lot different to someone once you've been involved in the lifestyle for a long time. It could be that many swingers probably share a similar attitude about the actual sex itself as porn stars do but both do not share the same motivation behind the act. It's the swinging lifestyle's very pleasant hobby but the pornography stars' employment. And, no, it is not supposed to be a "meat market" but as above some are for quantity, others are for quality. It is up for you to decide your own path...

rebash40, sorry to hear that you are having difficulties.

You've gotten some good advice already. I just wanted to add that I think people's way of navigating the lifestyle really follows a continuum, and very few things are all one way or all the other. For example, I reject the notion that there are two kinds of swingers- Quality, and Quantity. I absolutely do not agree with that! In fact, there are many kinds of swingers, and the Quality vs Quantity dimension is an oversimplification and merely a description of the extremes. In our experience, most people tend to lie somewhere in between those extremes. For example, we like to become friends with our lifestyle play friends, and we do vanilla things with them as well as playing. But we feel no claim of exclusivity with any of them, and do not expect them to feel exclusive toward us. That said, if we go on a "date" with a couple of our swinger friends, to a club for example, we will agree beforehand whether we're there "together", or if we are going there to both meet others. Communication, between you and your spouse as well as you two and the other couple, is the key to avoiding hurt feelings here.

Also, it sounds like you two are very selective in who you decide to get together with. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, if that is the preference of both of you. Be aware, however, that judging a couple too harshly based on a profile pic or their poor grammar in a description may close you off from a lot of fantastic people! Also, once you've gone to all the trouble to finally find someone you click with, you are naturally a little tired of the chase! But the other couple may be meeting a lot more people.

Hope this help! Good luck to you!

from Oklahoma, Rebash40! Thanks for joining us and for posting an important question. I hope you enjoy your experiences with us.

Your question reminded me of my experiences with (we called it) swapping with outer couples. We met a few couples along the way with whom we did not keep up the friendship. In other cases, a friendship developed and we sometimes spent years playing exclusively with them. We never had a problem of another couple "developing feelings" other than friendship. Nobody ever said "I love you."

I think one of the reasons for this is that our play times were devoted to fun, not serious emotions that might seem a lot like love. We laughed, joked and did silly things. We got aroused and had wonderful climaxes but usually found ourselves laughing riotously through them.

I wonder if a mistake was made by taking your party to a swing club. Clubs have a whole different atmosphere where the presence of other swingers might change your focus. I think that might have happened with your Mr. Playmate, causing him to pursue the other lady.

Communication is as important with your swing couples as with each other. Everyone is more at ease when they know what other members of their group are thinking.

My best to the four of you in talking this snag out.

Welcome, welcome. Firstly, regardless of your level of experience, the LS is as varied as the number of individuals in it. Read:"you say po-tay-to and I say po-tah-to". Some people require a more structured experience, and some are more free-wheeling. ITS ALL GOOD,and don't let anyone tell you, otherwise. Don't be ashamed to express your personal preferences, both to your SO or to the other couple. IMHO, before you get into a sticky situation, it might be best to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with the other couple, of course, in a non-threatening manner. More of a "clear the air" type of thing. There are 4 of you now, with the possibility of 6. In order for this to be successful, you all need to be on the same page of the playbook (and using the same playbook). You are getting some good advice, but it is you and your playmates that need to communicate your issues, BEFORE you jump into the sack.

"Part of what I like about the lifestyle is being found desirable by someone that I find desirable, and I love being that person's focus, just me and no one else. Not sure what to think or do. I'm not sure if I should say something to this other couple or not. Help!"

You did indeed, get a lot of good advice! This forum is wonderful for that. Concerning what you wrote that I quoted, I think it's not uncommon to want to be the object of someone's affection but as you spend more time in the LS hopefully you will realize that the most importnat person to show that to you is your husband. It is nice when men find you attractive but unless you are looking for a poly relationship it might not be something you will find for more than an evening. I too, have witnessed couples over the years who were exclusive for a period of time but it never ends well. Someone always gets hurt.

For us, the LS is a moment, an evening, an encounter and that's it. It's not about quantity at all, it's about having an experience. We do have many LS friends, some we play with, some we don't but our limit with playing with another couple is 2 times to keep it from becoming too comfortable. That's just our way and it works really well for us. Good luck!