Help me my husband freaked out

My husband and I had talked about the LS for years. We talked about so many scenarios and the fantasies versus the realities. We signed up to a LS site at the end of November. We started chatting with people and met a couple. We went out with this couple on four vanilla dates. We all hit it off fantastically. We had a lot of group texting and we're having a lot of fun. Our first "real" date, it was soft swap on the same bed with no oral and only kissing between the girls and then opposite husbands. We had a great time. We didn't have any regrets. We set a play date for the next time.

Both members of the other couple had expressed their extreme attraction to us. The husband was very complimentary and almost aggressively pursuing me whenever we were together ie. Back rubs, leg rubs, etc.

My husband and I were discussing where we wanted to go with the next date. My husband was more hesitant but I was close to him in my feelings. I was very insistent that I wanted guidines and I let him decide how far he wanted to go. He stated that he didn't know for sure but he thought oral would be a good next step. He stated that he wanted to let it flow "naturally". I was good with that.

I did state to my husband previously that I would be extremely jealous if he connected with a woman on football. This had been an area that we could never agree on in our every day lives. He LOVES football and, over time, I began to detest that it came between us. This will be important later.

Back to swinging and our second date with this couple. During the evening, we were all talking and having a good time. Now...the other husband and I started talking about gaming....yes playing video games. I like it and my husband doesn't. The other husband looked at me and said..."if you weren't already sexy enough...that is so hot." He began to ask me what I liked to play. We discussed this for about 10 minutes. It wasn't extremely long but apparently long enough to bother my husband. I didn't see any real obvious signs at the time but he feels like I was connecting in a way that I had asked him not to do with football.

Then shortly after, the kissing started between me and her and then me and him and my husband and her. He was getting very intense with me. Everyone started to undress and we moved to the bed. Almost immediately, he put my hand on him and I complied. My husband and her now sitting on the end of the bed with his chest and crotch obscured from my view. It looked to me as though she was touching him. My husband says that she wasn't. The night went on and he was being very intense and was getting pretty rough. Although at one point I grimaced when he was squeezing my chest, I never told him to stop and I should've said something. After an hour or so, I was done with him because I was getting sore from his fingering and sex with my husband. I went to the bathroom and my husband followed. I let my husband know that I was ready to be done. My husband and I returned and we finished with each other. Then the other coupe left. My husband and I got into the shower and started to talk. I just told my husband that it was too rough and he nodded like he understood. Little bruises were starting to form on my breasts from the other guys fingers.

My husband started really freaking out on me! "Why didn't you say something?" and so on and so on. He eventually wouldn't talk to me anymore and we drove home. He has been furious at me for almost the days. My normally calm husband was hitting the counter and busted his phone when he explained to me EVERYTHING that pissed him off. He told me that I threw out all of our rules. I asked him how and he said because I didn't let him or anyone know that I didn't like it. He then went on to say that I didn't let things progress "naturally" like we discussed. He said that when we started with the second time, he looked over and "not two minutes in...you're jacking him off!!!! She wasn't even touching me at that point and you just can't wait!!!!" I was totally taken aback. I told him that I thought she was and that I didn't initiate it and had just went with it. He stated that I didn't even care what was going on with him and that I didn't look at him. Although, I feel that I did look at him a lot but there wasn't a lot of eye contact because he wasn't looking at me all the time either.

My husband and I have had our rocky times but have always been extremely faithful and monogamous to this point. He stated that he feels there was much more feelings for the other guy than what I am admitting to and that I was acting like I had a wonderful time and his wasn't great. He is insisting that I have feelings for this guy and that could not be farther from the truth. I adore my husband and love him so much it hurts. I have just cried and cried. He told me that he wants to leave and get space and figure everything out. He doesn't know if he wants to save our marriage. I am devastated. He says that he has nothing to say to me. Do I give him space or keep insisting that I love him and don't want him to leave? He keeps pushing me away. I don't know what to do. How can he throw away our beautiful everything?

First off, welcome to the Swingers Board. I'm sorry it is a tough situation that brought you here for advice, but nonetheless, we are happy to have you as a member.

Anyone will tell you that rules and boundaries are important in swinging, especially when you are first starting, so that's not in question. They are important because they serve as guard rails to keep things from running completely off the cliff. The way it should work is when you run into one, it may cause a bit of a jolt and is a little scary, but it directs you back toward the middle of the road with no permanent harm done. That process of sort of weaving back and forth bumping into the guard rail on either side (his and hers) is how you learn to find the swinging sweet spot in the road that is smooth traveling. Something that is meant to redirect won't work though if you are intent on smashing into it head-on, and I kind of think that's what he is doing here. When you do that, it's going to be catastrophic.

There must be some leeway given to each other when it comes to rules and boundaries. You ARE going to run into them sooner or later, it's just a fact. Letting the heat of the moment cause a lack of judgement, too much alcohol one night, or even as you point out, circumstances just conspiring to make something that isn't look like it is, all of those things can happen. When they do, both of you need to steady yourselves, collect your nerves, and together steer back straight.

Swinging is a powerful thing. When it works well, the power can take you places you never imagined you could go. When it doesn't work well, it also can take you places you never imagined going, and not in a good way. Personally, from what I read, I don't think he was ready to swing. He wanted to think he was, but he wasn't. Deep down, that may be the cause of some of what you are going through. Too, he tried to orchestrate how it would go, and hard expectations are the quickest path to disappointment and failure.

Try to really open up and talk this through. You need to put it in perspective with each other too. You have years together, and a good thing going. Is what happened in one hour or whatever on one night really that big of freaking deal?? You both as a couple were trying to feel your way through something new and unfamiliar. In the process, you bumped into some things. Ok, so it happened, no changing that. But now what? Turning a sideswipe fender bender into a head-on collision just doesn't seem like a reasonable approach here, unless there are other things going on that no one realizes, and that's what you are going to have to try to determine with him and get to the bottom of.

Good luck with all of this. Open and honest communication can solve about anything when all the parties involved want it to be solved. It's also important to keep in mind the concept of "we will be", as in "ok, we good now?" and the answer being "We will be" meaning you can be honest enough to say to the other the hurt is still too fresh to honestly say it's gone, but in your heart, you know without doubt that it will be gone soon.

First off, welcome to the Swingers Board. I'm sorry it is a tough situation that brought you here for advice, but nonetheless, we are happy to have you as a member.

 

Anyone will tell you that rules and boundaries are important in swinging, especially when you are first starting, so that's not in question. They are important because they serve as guard rails to keep things from running completely off the cliff. The way it should work is when you run into one, it may cause a bit of a jolt and is a little scary, but it directs you back toward the middle of the road with no permanent harm done. That process of sort of weaving back and forth bumping into the guard rail on either side (his and hers) is how you learn to find the swinging sweet spot in the road that is smooth traveling. Something that is meant to redirect won't work though if you are intent on smashing into it head-on, and I kind of think that's what he is doing here. When you do that, it's going to be catastrophic.

 

There must be some leeway given to each other when it comes to rules and boundaries. You ARE going to run into them sooner or later, it's just a fact. Letting the heat of the moment cause a lack of judgement, too much alcohol one night, or even as you point out, circumstances just conspiring to make something that isn't look like it is, all of those things can happen. When they do, both of you need to steady yourselves, collect your nerves, and together steer back straight.

 

Swinging is a powerful thing. When it works well, the power can take you places you never imagined you could go. When it doesn't work well, it also can take you places you never imagined going, and not in a good way. Personally, from what I read, I don't think he was ready to swing. He wanted to think he was, but he wasn't. Deep down, that may be the cause of some of what you are going through. Too, he tried to orchestrate how it would go, and hard expectations are the quickest path to disappointment and failure.

 

Try to really open up and talk this through. You need to put it in perspective with each other too. You have years together, and a good thing going. Is what happened in one hour or whatever on one night really that big of freaking deal?? You both as a couple were trying to feel your way through something new and unfamiliar. In the process, you bumped into some things. Ok, so it happened, no changing that. But now what? Turning a sideswipe fender bender into a head-on collision just doesn't seem like a reasonable approach here, unless there are other things going on that no one realizes, and that's what you are going to have to try to determine with him and get to the bottom of.

 

Good luck with all of this. Open and honest communication can solve about anything when all the parties involved want it to be solved. It's also important to keep in mind the concept of "we will be", as in "ok, we good now?" and the answer being "We will be" meaning you can be honest enough to say to the other the hurt is still too fresh to honestly say it's gone, but in your heart, you know without doubt that it will be gone soon.

I started to talk with him about it this morning. He told me that he doesn't want to be here because all he thinks about and all he can see is me with him. He knows he is to blame for it too. But he doesn't think he will ever not see it when he looks at me. It's like I cheated on him. Even though he entered this because he wanted to and thought that it would be fun. He told me that his head is sooooooo messed up and he doesn't know if he loves me enough to be able to get past it. All I can think is...oh my god...what did we do?? I am going to lose my best friend and love of my life.

The football comment seemed a bit weird to me too. I'm wondering if you made a big deal out of that before hand and then landed yourself in that situation regarding gaming. Almost like a self fullfilling prophecy. He probably knew it was a bone of contention for you and then you did what you said would upset you.

His reaction seems over the top for something you both agreed to do. I agree it sounds like he thought he was ready for swinging but the reality of it was too much. I was surprised how fast my wife took to it when we started a year ago and I'm the more hesitant one in the couple. There've been a couple moments when I had to think about what was making me have weird feelings but talking it out helped me each time. I'm not sure what to suggest if he won't even talk.

Hi and welcome, Supposed2bfun. I am also sorry that such a situation occurred and it was the main reason for bringing you here.

There have been a lot of good points brought up by all the other members already. Other than (in my opinion) that your husband may not have been as ready mentally as he thought to swing, perhaps having so many vanilla dates prior to swapping may have been a misstep. It sounds like some connection may have been forming and sometimes couples who are new to swinging may not be able to handle that. It's much easier to do a "wham bang, thank you ma'am" deal early in a couple's swinging journey because it is all about the sex. There isn't a growing mental/emotional connection. Since you yourself warned him about connecting with the other wife about football, it is very possible that your husband had his own concerns about you connecting with the other husband about a hobby that only you enjoy...and that's what happened. We don't know if you two had any conversations regarding his own insecurities but if there was not, it may have been an assumption (as someone else pointed out) that since you had laid down the rule to not connect about football that you would not connect about gaming.

The fact that you put in your post about how football is a strong point of contention in your relationship, it makes me wonder if the foundation of your relationship was strong enough to survive swinging. For me, Mr. Sun has always been interested in basketball and computers. At the beginning of our relationship, I would have felt the same as you--jealous if he connected with someone else in regards to basketball. However, at the beginning of our swinging journey, I had to really think about what swinging was for us and the possibilities. I had come to the conclusion that I would actually enjoy it if Mr. Sun found another person to be friends with who enjoyed basketball or computers as much as he did (he would enjoy going with them a lot more than going with me!). I cannot be everything to him and he cannot be everything for me. We are all different with different interests. No two people are going to have the exact same interests in the exact same intensity.

As for his reactions and his feelings...unfortunately, that is how he feels. Is it hurting you, him, and the relationship? Yes, but he isn't wrong for feeling the way that he feels. I think another member above mentioned that he felt more trepidation about swinging than his wife once they started. I think that may be a common occurrence when a couple realizes how desirable the wife is in comparison to the husband--the swinging is more in favor of women than men. That isn't to say that husbands are unattractive or unwanted...it just means that women have a many more opportunities to play than the husbands and it can be unsettling. We went through that same phase and it took some time for both of us to adjust to that and work through it. I had to be more cognizant of Mr. Sun and his feelings and needs while he came to terms that swinging wasn't what he pictured in his mind.

Even though we, as swingers, don't consider what happened to be cheating, what matters is that your husband does think it was cheating. Putting that into consideration, it makes more sense that he is behaving and saying the things that he has been. Unfortunately, as long as he pushes you away, he is the one that has to decide if he wants to continue on his current path or work through this with you--as a couple.

I do hope the best for you two and I hope you continue to let us know how you two fare.

He told me that he cannot be married to me anymore. He cannot look at me the same. He said that he's sorry. He loves me but it's not enough. All he can see is me with him. He will never forgive me because he says I moved too fast with the other guy. Later during playing, I came back to my husband...the other guy pulled me back towards him and I went and that's the part he will never forgive. He said that was a huge rejection and I might have well cheated on him.

I asked him if he could give it some time. He said he knows himself and it won't make a difference. He told me that he is hurt too deeply and he will never get over it. He wants to leave and immediately. I am so sick. 14 years of marriage gone in one night. I made some bad choices. Why did I let the other guy control the pace? Why did I let him direct me back to him and away from my husband? This is why my husband feels like I had the emotional connection and that I wanted the other guy instead if him. This couldn't be more from the truth. True inexperience and done alcohol in the situation made me make poor choices.

This is so very tragic and my heart aches for you. This next part is harsh but I intend it with the most love I can deliver it with.

Your husband is being an asshole. He went into this accepting this and nothing, I mean absolutely nothing that you described happening justifies his reaction.

He is just making excuses when he says he he knows himself and nothing will make a difference. I call bullshit. He didn't know himself enough not to try swinging.

I know he is hurt. But he is not trying. If he tries and it still doesn't work then he gave it the effort. Failing to try is just a cop out. Ask him what he is really trying to avoid.

We hear all the time about wimpy husbands who let there wives have sex outside their marriage. Those husbands are not wimps. They are strong. Your husband is being a wimp as he wont even try to get over it or work on your relationship. That is a wimpy weak act if he loves you as he says he does.

If I had a chance to talk with him I would first tell him to grow a pair of balls and reclaim you and take you back. Second I would tell him to put his big boy pants on and get into the real world. Did he screw up by agreeing to this? Yes. Now what is HE going to do to fix his screwup.

Giving up so fast, without a fight, without counseling is just stupid on his part. He is acting so childish and selfishly that he cannot see the love you have for him and how you are fighting for him.

He needs a severe shock. Let him go. Give him time. You clearly have the guts and strength to fight for your relationship. Maybe the shock will wake him up.

However, if you do, you have to remain at his beck and call and absolutely put him first and be ready if he calls. No going out with the girls. Avoid other men as much as absolutely possible. He must subconsciously know that you are there even though consciously he may not know it.

I hope he has seen these posts. Someone just needs to kick him in the ass and tell him to pull his head out. He is just being stupid of dishonest.

I truly wish you the absolutely very very best. I know when we are hurt we do stupid things because our actions go through our emotion center first before our logical center. If we act on emotion alone then we often do stupid things. It takes both to make good decisions. I don't know for a fact, but if he loved you before, and he still loves you now, and he can get through this. It just takes work and time.

I feel badly for the two of you. But for him to put this totally on you is ludicrous. I mean how tough would it have been for him to take your hand when you were coming to him?

Part of the rules should have been, "Whatever happens we are still each others best friend and we will get through it. Nobody clams up and we talk through it, until we both have no voices left."

This is why my husband feels like I had the emotional connection and that I wanted the other guy instead if him. This couldn't be more from the truth. True inexperience and done alcohol in the situation made me make poor choices.

Tell your husband he's dead wrong and you're willing to communicate with him to solve the problem, but it he doesn't want to, "Have a nice life, Charlie!" Then go skiing at Alta or Park City.

I think there is a lot more to this than what has been written here...and that is usually the case whenever someone shares their story with us. No one is completely innocent and everyone shares some blame. It is easy to empathize with those who come here because we are only hearing their side of the story.

Clearly, everyone is hurting here. If it has been made clear that you want to work through this, talk about it, remain committed to the relationship, and that he is the most important person to you...then you have done what you can. The ball is in his court. If you haven't made it clear to him that you want to do those things with him, then do so. Multiple times. If he still decides to leave, then at least you will know that you did all that you could do. Relationships take both halves to make it work. If one person does all of it, it's not a relationship.

There's either more to the story or he's being a complete baby about this. I mean come on. When things are in the moment and no one is speaking up or trying to get your attention in some way, you can't go getting all butt hurt to this extreme. At worst I could see him saying I'm done with this experiment but throwing away a marriage? There's got to be more or this is just the excuse today where some other would have presented itself tomorrow...

Wow. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. There is so much good advice here it's difficult to offer much else other than more sympathy or confirming something someone else already said.

I think you should definitely let him know that he is more important to you than swinging and you are willing to stop swinging to work things out. I can't tell you how many successful swinging couples had to go through a moment where one person needed to hear the other one genuinely mean and say "you are more important than swinging" before they worked things out and went on to happily swing again at a later date.

But beyond showing him you love him and are willing to stop swinging and will work things out. I also agree that you should be firm in not letting him act like a child. Be willing to let him go with an I love you and want to stay married but don't grovel for what you did. It will not help him change his perspective. Perhaps you could have ended the gaming conversation sooner but it is really hard not to admit to your favorite hobbies and 10 minutes is not that long. Perhaps a wam bam barely get to know you would have been better but it might have been worse too. Perhaps you should have not gone back to the other guy a second time but the back and forth thing is really hot and you are not a mind reader about how that felt for him.

I agree there is more going on with your husband than he just couldn't handle seeing you so willing with another guy. You two talked a lot about it beforehand. Your willingness to enjoy another person was part of the plan.

My gut is that this triggered something other than his trust button. Perhaps he got scared by this other guy's aggressiveness. I know if my wife was ever harmed as a result of our adventures It would be hard not to feel somewhat disappointed in myself for not protecting her better. (I know macho crap inside a guys head.) Perhaps If he feels like he doesn't measure up to other men this is more about him then you. Since his behavior is somewhat childlike there is a good chance he is feeling like a child right now. I like what was said here. He needs to step up and reclaim you. Maybe you can let him know you want that. That you see him as your real man. It would be great if he came out of this feeling like a man not a child.

Finally let me say that counseling helped us. Not so much what went on there but our eventual conversations and our willingness to go.

Again so sorry for where you are right now. Saying a prayer for you now. Please keep us informed how things go.

I don't see ANY WAY that this ONE event is causing him to completely give up on your relationship. There MUST be more to this. I can only think that this may have been an attempt to 'save' an already damaged and failing marriage (maybe not on your side, but his). Now that he sees that there is more 'out there' than your relationship, he is wanting to find it and try it out...I don't know but this just doesn't 'fit' together. One event shouldn't be irrepairable, especially when he was all for it. This is just an excuse, not the cause of the problems. He needs to be honest and come clean with what is going on...but that's something HE has to be willing to do. We wish both of you luck and that you can start talking to try and repair this...

Wow, sorry to hear about your problems. Let me just say that one night didn’t ruin a fourteen-year relationship. At most, that one night culminated the problems that were already in your relationship. Swinging in itself will not cause problems in a relationship; however, it will exacerbate any problems already in the relationship. You two entered into this activity in a mutual agreement to explore it. If one or both of you had a problem with this activity, the adult thing to do would have been to stop the activity and discuss that problem.

We have only heard one side of this story and it’s impossible to give sound advice because of that. I will say that from what you have said it sounds to me like your husband is using this as an excuse to go forward with something that he had in mind before this took place. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but it sounds to me that your relationship was very frail before this ever took place.

I think “Love” is the most over used word in the English language; in fact, I’m not sure what people mean when they use that word half the time. In my relationship, I feel my wife is a free spirited individual and my best friend. She is not my possession and I’m not her possession. As my best friend, she is free to do whatever she wishes. If however, she wants to do something that bothers me I will let her know about my problem with that activity, but it’s up to her if she wants to continue with that activity and up to me if I want to tolerate it or not. So far, that approach has worked for us, and I say that, as we get ready to celebrate our forty-seventh anniversary next month.

Your husband’s unwillingness to even try, to get past this is a warning sign to me. I wish you a lot of luck and hope things work out for you. Be strong and don’t blame yourself.

Supposed2be, I'm really sorry to hear this. I have to agree that, if this is really the meat and potatoes of the story, he's being a bit of a dick about it. I mean, you had no idea how to go about any of this stuff, how to handle yourself during an encounter with this other couple! How were you supposed to know this was going to damage him so irreparably?? It wasn't you choosing the other guy over him - it was just a simple change of direction in the absence of knowing what the hell to do next. There has to be SOME kind of flexibility during play-dates, especially when starting out, to allow for all the stuff we don't know we're doing. All you can do is trust that - whatever it is that you both do - neither of you does it with any intention of hurting one another. This is soooo very important.

 

He will regret leaving. He's hurting and is running away from it, not wanting to deal with it. It will chase him wherever he goes.

 

If it were me in your shoes, as he's packing his bag, I would tell him he'll regret leaving and not straightening this out because he's just reacting...not acting rationally. But if he insists on running from the truth, I would tell him, perhaps it is best he leaves; I can't be in an adult relationship with someone who won't meet me half way. I deserve better than that.

I think this is excellent advice. I would add the following. Don't slam the door shut if you love him. Realize he is acting irresponsibly and without understanding. When he figures out that he regrets it and has done this stupidly you need to be there waiting for him. Now this doesn't mean you have to grovel to him... Just be open and willing when he comes back. He is reacting out of hurt and like a child. You need to be the adult and hold this together until he comes to his senses.

This is the husband here. I thought it was time for me to comment. I was able to finally calm down and decided to have a talk with my wife about what had happened. We started to discuss the events of the night and as we were talking we started to find out I couldn't remember a lot of what she did. The more we talked the more I couldn't remember certain things. After hours of talking and trying to figure out what happened we have come to the conclusion the other couple had slipped us some sort of date rape drug. They had mixed us a drink at the hotel I drank all of mine but the drink they mixed for my wife, she didn't like that kind of soda. So she only took two small sips off of it. We believe the reason they did this is we had set our limits of the night and they wanted more. My wife is writing our whole story and will post it later in a new thread titled, Our Story. In hindsight, I believe my anger was stemming from confusion in what I saw, what I couldn't remember, and the feeling of being out of control to do anything about it. And seeing my wife doing more than what we had set our limits to be.

Great. It sounds like you are on the road to working it out. I wish you all the best and whatever you both decide I hope it pleases you both. Emotions are a bitch and it is tough when you get hurt.

All the best.

Slipped you guys a Mickey? Dear Lord that's bizarre!

Wife here. I posted the story under the First Time Swinging Experiences forum. The title of it is "Not short and definitely not sweet." I just wanted to say thanks to all of you who posted and shared your opinions. It definitely takes more points of view to see the full picture.

I'm so happy you guys seem to be working this all out. I wanted to comment a good while ago but a potential, yet seemingly absolute breakup for you guys considering how man husband was, hit a little too close to home for me. I'm a little over a year out from a 15+ year relationship. Reading your thread was terribly saddening to read. I felt awful for you both, Seriously wanted to give you both a hug. And I felt bad as it reminded me of my breakup. I'm well over her by a lot but it still is very sad when people with so much time together go their separate ways. Hence the Journey song lol. Buy the good is in that relationship I fathered my son. My only child. My awesome wonderful beautiful pain in the ass son lol! He is the only thing I live for aside from wanting sex and to play everyday, not work.

Oh my God! That's horrible. I'm actually kind of speechless. I really hate that there are predatory assholes like that out there. What a pair of pricks! I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Glad that the two of you are talking and we hope that you can work everything out. I KNEW that something wasn't right, just happy it wasn't either one of you.

BTW: I do hope that you let the other couple know about how much of a difficult time you and your husband are/were having. How it almost cost you your marriage (and still might, but we strongly hope that it doesn't). If for no other reason so they can think twice before they do anything like this again to another unsuspecting couple.

I'm sure this is a non violent bunch, but in my mind someone deserves a beating for drugging you. That's just me. And you HAVE TO know 100% fact. But yeah, I'd kick the shit out of someone for drugging me, seriously. That's crossing a serious line. Could have been your life. Fuck that. If I can prevent it with a serious confrontation with violence, that's where I'm going without a doubt. That's just a sick thing to do drugging a person.

I agree. I keep thinking that the police should be notified but then having to explain what you were doing...and proving that anything happened is very difficult. Still, others should be warned so they don't keep doing this...