End of the road

A little update on our story (Our journey into swinging, Second Hotel Date and Our first MFM, for instance). For over 20 years, I know how it is to share intimacy with people outside the primary relationship and the last three years, MsDiscover and I have searched for a common ground, for a way to experience some of that in our relationship.

A year ago, we started dating and it took a few dates (and new friends) to find a perfect way of swinging. Which turned out to be an hotel date, we book a upclass hotel room, make it a romantic environment (oils, candles, music) and invite our guest(s). In fact, the fourth (MFM) date was my birthday present from MsDiscover. The date was great, everyone was happy, MsDiscover included. Finally we had found a perfect way we were both happy with. We were so glad. So much, that we all decided to have another MFM date a month later. This time, this gentleman would organize.

As we drove to the address of the hotel, I already had a weird feeling. It felt different to go out to an hotel, have sex and leave for home again. Cheaper. Dirty, but not in a good way. It did not help that the low budget hotel was at the edge of a industrial area and rain was pouring down. However, the room was great, the gentleman as nice as usual and the sex very intense but great. We left after a few hours, MsD was quiet and tired during the half hour trip home. Or so I thought.

A day later, she told me she never wants to swing again. She confessed she never had enjoyed it, only did it for my pleasure and felt cheap, a whore. Especially the last date. It came as a shock to me, especially because she was so happy in behavior and wording after the other date. She also never wants to share pictures again or read stuff or discuss it. She does want me to continue solo dating, but I don't have interest in that at the moment.

Of course we stop here, this is the end of the road. Now it is time to come to terms with this loss for me, to save and enforce our relationship and to heal. Later on, we can decide what is left and what I want to do with that.

Meanwhile, we keep contact with both the couple and the gentleman in vanilla life as they became good friends.

This board is not only a very valuable source of information for me but also contains lots of friends so I have no plans on leaving it.

That's too bad. But you are right to stop, if your partner is having issues, because her issues are yours as well. The major problem, as I see it, is her not wanting to discuss it with you. I think that any loss of communication, will hurt your relationship, long term. I've got no advice for you, except to let her know that you are ready , willing , and able to discus ANY issues she may have. Then leave it be for a while, and see if she can sort her feelings out.

She did not want to discuss it because she was afraid to hurt my feelings. MsD wanted to find it out for herself before breaking the bad news. She now sees that was a wrong approach, but it came from love, not from being not informed (as she reads here as well).

Perhaps swinging is at an end, MrDiscover, but I feel a whole new aspect of communication has opened for y'all. I applaud your decision to forgo a "hall pass." Don't rue the absence of swinging, embrace the knowledge that she has been totally open with you and the future is limitless. May Wakan Tanka guide you both hereafter.

MrDiscover said:

For over 20 years, I know how it is to share intimacy with people outside the primary relationship....

Would you mind expanding on this?

Also, if MsDiscover is having a hard time talking to you about how she feels about what occurred and swinging in general, then there is something that needs to be explored...but she has to be willing and ready to do that. Just be patient and hopefully she'll realize that she can open up that part of herself and be true to herself and you about how she feels.

20 years ago, i was part of a FMF poly relationship for a while, it started as FF.

All the best to you. You both are honest with and giving toward each other, acting out of love. It reminds me of a story I love dearly, "The Gift of the Magi by O. Henry." (A husband sells the watch given him by his grandfather to buy hair clips for his wife with long hair; she sold her hair to buy a gold chain for the watch he no longer has.) I first heard the story on the radio as a young girl, it made me cry. It still does.

Perhaps it is time to give it a rest, recalibrate, and see where you two head from here.

Thanks Couplers, it sure is and we both agree on that. We'll see what the future has in stock. Meanwhile, I'm just thankful for at least have experienced it all again. Not many people can even say that, I'm well aware of that

Now it is time to come to terms with this loss for me, to save and enforce our relationship and to heal.

Loss? What 'loss'. If Ms. Gold told me she wanted to stop, just like you, I would in a NY minute. But it wouldn't be a loss. The fact that we could even experiment along these lines, that we had a relationship strong enough and open enough and caring enough to try this is a huge GAIN. That she felt comfortable enough to talk to me and let me know is a gain. I would walk away in a second taking some awesome memories that most couples wouldn't even be able to fantasize about with each other.

No loss here, just a change in what you are doing and headed. Of course we hope you still hang around here, we would miss you if you didn't. We wish the both of you the absolute best and have enjoyed hearing about your journey...even if it ended at a different place than you expected. Thank you both for sharing this and including us, but this isn't the end, just a change in direction. Hugs to both of you...

A little update, a happy end (for this episode). We decided to try solo dating for me. Last weekend, I had a fmmm and it was very succesful for everyone involved, including the not-participating wifes. MsD found it to be very exciting.

I do not, MrDiscover, envy your current situation in your married relationship. But I do envy the "me and three" that you have described.

Thanks, swpacouple, but I do feel there is nothing wrong with my relationship just because she ended enjoying the LS. I fact, I think it shows how honest we can be towards each other that

- she thoroughly tried all options just to see if there was a way to swing that we both liked.

- we have such an honest level of communication, she felt free she wanted to stop.

- we both agreed I continue to date and we both enjoy finding dates, messaging and dating.

I think she is awesome to stand up for not only her but also my feelings and desires.

Thanks, MrDiscover, for the more accurate prospective. I must say, I do agree. She is awesome.

I cant' help but wonder since she seemed to enjoy the more "upscale" experience if that was not part of the equation. Even you had unsettling feelings about where this cheap hotel was located. Sounds creepy and could have started the whole thing out with the wrong mindset.

The other thing is, having been in the lifestyle with 2 different men (First husband, now boyfriend) I can tell you that the way the bf treats me makes all the difference. We are not a new couple (11 years) so it's not that. He always makes sure I am totally comfortable with the situation before we move forward. If he feels I am in anyway not sure then we walk away. Possibly insulting another couple (or stranger) is not nearly as dangerous as the problems that can arise if someone does something they are uncomfortable with. With my husband I left feeling like a complete whore many nights and hated both him and myself for putting me in situations that i was uncomfortable in.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply, MarniJohn. But that was not the case, it was more of a magnifying glass and showed her what she didn't like in the previous dates too. For her it is the balance. The excitement and lust has to be enough to justify all the nerves and secrets (towards our kids and her mom, e.g.) and sometimes the cheap feeling. And the balance was not leveled enough.

However, for her the excitement of me having dates, the preparation and searching for possible dates etc. does justify the minor issues like having to stick to stories for the kids and me not being at home. The balance is now okay.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply, MarniJohn. But that was not the case, it was more of a magnifying glass and showed her what she didn't like in the previous dates too. For her it is the balance. The excitement and lust has to be enough to justify all the nerves and secrets (towards our kids and her mom, e.g.) and sometimes the cheap feeling. And the balance was not leveled enough.

 

However, for her the excitement of me having dates, the preparation and searching for possible dates etc. does justify the minor issues like having to stick to stories for the kids and me not being at home. The balance is now okay.

Good luck and glad it is working out. Ai don't see any reason to feel cheap or have to tell everything to everybody about your lives. I know it is what it is and cannot tell you how impressed I am with the way you two have handled this. This is just proof that this lifestyle does work for truly committed couples who love, respect, and communicate with each other.

Thanks for your kind reply. I can confirm this is form of the LS we can both enjoy. Yesterday I had an hoteldate with a woman in the same position as I am now and it was awsome, both for us two and our loving partners at home.

Thanks for your kind reply. I can confirm this is form of the LS we can both enjoy. Yesterday I had an hotel date with a woman in the same position as I am now and it was awesome, both for us two and our loving partners at home.

Mr.D,

To have that level of honesty in your relationship with your wife is the beautiful ideal. Separation of true companion love and sexual contact eliminates jealousy and allows the non-participating partner to feel secure. Similar to any non-lifestyle activity or hobby that one partner doesn't necessarily want to do but then encourages the participant partner to pursue to the fullest because it makes that participant person happy.

I understand the need for discretion with relatives and minor children due to society's general morals. Due to today's communications we are expected to be reachable always 24/7/365 versus years ago when we had long time gaps in communication with each other. This makes it more difficult now to pursue lifestyle activities without some type of subterfuge.

A small update: this previous post is still very true. I'm still dating from time to time, solo. Sometimes it involves sex, other times it's just drinking coffee or having diner. MsD still enjoys this new way of swinging, in most contacts she is part of the whatsapp group and she has become good vanilla friends with three of of my dates. She loves this new group of friends. She has her dates too, but only vanilla at this point. Balance in attention is key and she hits the brakes every now and then, which is good because I have a tendency of spending too much time and energy on friends. We only have three rules now and that works wonderful:

- only safe sex

- max one encounter a month

- no sleep over

Our love for each other only has deepened.

I'm glad you've found a compromise and things are going well.