Feel Like I Signed My Own Death Warrant

So we've been semi busy with swinging since my first post here. I've learned that watching her or anybody just really doesn't do much for me.(might be a slight turn off?)

 

Anyway we were at a hotel takeover recently and played with a couple same room. The other guy had issues. I also learned that the group play at least this time wasn't turning me on. My GF was on her back. Other girl was going down on her while getting fucked from the back and my GF had me in her mouth. A few things about that got in my head so when we switched it took me a while to get going but I did. Made play partner squirt she was all cuddly after.(uncomfortable)

 

So evidently the other guy lost his erection during the swap and couldn't get it back. While my GF got an O she really didn't enjoy it and she was frustrated. ( she said you fucked her brains out but the only one who fucks my brains out is you [last few guys erection problems])

 

So next night we met a young couple F22 M29 but he was wasted and she didn't want to risk another erection issue.

 

FF a few days and I mention this guy who's been texting her. They hooked up twice 5 yrs ago and haven't seen each other since.

 

I have a playdate at the club with a hotwife with some FMF mixed in for this Saturday. Knowing she has had some frustration lately I decided to be generous and give her a hall pass with this guy. I told her we'll go up early and you can play then I'll pick you up and we'll go to the club.

 

The problem is this single guy is serious competition. She likes tall guys. I'm only 6' he's 6'4". I'm big and strong but not ripped and he's ripped. He has a monster hog and is good in bed.

 

I'm pretty worried about the aftermath. This could really go bad.

Maybe hall passes are not a good idea if it bothers you.

Maybe hall passes are not a good idea if it bothers you.

 

Taking the easy way out like that isn't my style. Plus I'd probably feel the same if he was at the club. It's a one time deal hopefully.

I have to agree that whenever bells go off in your head you should back up. I'm sure you would understand ( and back up) if someone made her uncomfortable that you wanted to play with.

I have to agree that whenever bells go off in your head you should back up. I'm sure you would understand ( and back up) if someone made her uncomfortable that you wanted to play with.

 

It is my burden to bare not hers. She hasn't had one good experience since we started this in June. This should be a good one for her I just don't want it to be too good.

 

I'm not worried about her leaving. I'm worried about losing her lust.

 

She can tell something is up. She made a comment about how hot the sex we had Sunday was (even tho she needed emergency dental surgery the next day. She initiated.)This morning she said must have been really good to last you this long.

 

I just don't feel sexual right now.

This should be a good one for her I just don't want it to be too good.

 

I'm not worried about her leaving. I'm worried about losing her lust.

 

 

This is that dreaded situation you were worried about, benawyl. Yes, he may actually be better than you, sexually. If that's a problem for you, you should not be doing this.

 

If the situation were reversed and it was another woman that was interested in Mr. intuition, and she was built like a supermodel with a sexual skill set that could put her in the Olympics, I would be really happy for him. Truly. I'd be like, I'll hold the camera! 'Cause we're going to want to preserve this experience for posterity! Sooner or later, we will all run into someone who is better in bed than we are. But...isn't that kind of the point of swinging? To get out there and get as many good experiences as we can? I don't need to be the best sexual partner for my husband to want me. I just need to be me. He wouldn't lose lust for me; he'd be wound up by his experience with her, and that energy spills over into our bed. I really don't give a damn where it came from, as long as he's feeling it.

 

So far, I haven't met Mr. intuition's rival. He really, really does it for me. I have met men with whom I have some really wicked chemistry, but would they make me stop being attracted to my own husband? Would they make me not want or love him anymore, or want to choose them over him? Just because they physically excite me? Not a chance. Now, would I like to fuck their brains out? Yes, sure. But it's more to just satisfy a curiosity, to get that experience. Once I've had that experience...maybe a few times ...I would begin to lose interest, because the only thing they've got going for them is novelty. I have no interest in setting up a life with them. I recognize this for Mr. intuition, too. He may become really excited by another partner, and may obsess over her for a while - an infatuation, if you will - but I know that if I'm just a little patient, the interest fades and he still loves me. That endures, simple, raw physical lust does not. It needs more to feed it.

They hooked up twice FIVE YEARS ago and he's still texting her? I would be more worried about that than anything else. That he is still in contact with her after five years is a big .

 

Intuition: Careful, the phrase "...I'll run the camera" is a registered trademark catch phrase of mine . But since you said hold instead of run, I'm more than happy to give you a pass this time (you can hold anything I have, including Ms. Gold).

They hooked up twice FIVE YEARS ago and he's still texting her? I would be more worried about that than anything else. That he is still in contact with her after five years is a big .

 

Intuition: Careful, the phrase "...I'll run the camera" is a registered trademark catch phrase of mine . But since you said hold instead of run, I'm more than happy to give you a pass this time (you can hold anything I have, including Ms. Gold).

 

Yeah he just randomly texted her. He is looking for platmates.

 

First time around they met on a sex site. Played twice then she moved on to someone new.

My take from previous posts you have an "I am superior" attitude that has met a superior (at least to your thinking) male. You now fear loss.

Welcome to your own trap, you laid it painstakingly with no forethought. The trap is this - NO man is my equal. I am superior. That is my take away from your previous posts. You have laid your own trap in that you set two sets of standards. One for you and one for everyone else. That is a hallmark of a control freak/perfectionist. LOL ask me how I know? Letting go is hard but necessary, or you will find yourself in the same situation over and over again. The State of self doubt, fear of loss sets in, then there will be questions, jealousy and pain. Sounds like fun - Huh? NOT!!

 

You seem to have an A type personality and want to control everything, but you can't. You need stop quit trying to control every aspect of the situation as in reality you cannot control everything. If you cannot let go, you withhold part of yourself and miss the true experience. If you do not have any fun, then you shouldn't be doing it. Letting go does not mean you don't care, it means you care enough to trust them. You allow them into YOU. You had damn well better be talking to her about your fears. Men do that from time to time.

 

Now then to these standards.

 

I have thought about this superior thing a bit. In reality there is not really any such thing as superior, only different. You might find someone smarter, bigger, taller with a bigger dick but so what. Superior? Really? By what standard? What happens when you fail your own arbitrary standard? Man up!! Quit the fear of loss, quit the jealousy, quit the superior attitude. Insead be confident, in yourself and in her. There is a vast difference between the two. Right now you use superiority as a crutch. Stand on your own without holding on to others for support. You have control over only one person - YOU!!

Too big is dick can be a liability as most women cannot handle it. While it may be a treat for some women, they don't usually want it as a steady diet. And no woman that I know of stayed with a guy because he had a big dick. They stay with people that give them what they need, attention, love, a voice and security.

 

The Other guy: she was not with him now, that was 5 years ago and there were reasons they did not stay together. Can he have changed, sure - likely? - not really. They have known each other for 5 years and he texts ( NOT A RED FLAG) when he is looking for playmates, to see if she knows of any. You gave her a hallpass out of guilt, to make up for the fun neither of you was having. They may go off and have fun, without you. What bothers you more the fact she took you up on it, or who she picked? Or that she will have fun with him. Women stay because they choose to. We are happy with that.

 

Take away

Remember: Anything you grab onto and seek to control has an equally strong grip on you. By trying to control others: You only hold yourself back from who you could be and you smother others at the same time. Usually though they will not tolerate it. You have control over only one person - YOU!!

 

You can say I am way off base here, no prob. But as someone who was there and lived, I suggest you think on it. It can save you a lot of grief and make you a much better person.

Remember: Anything you grab onto and seek to control has an equally strong grip on you. By trying to control others: You only hold yourself back from who you could be and you smother others at the same time. Usually though they will not tolerate it. You have control over only one person - YOU!!

 

This is really great advice. I wish someone had been around 30 years ago to tell me this... This which I know so well today and makes me much happier.

This is really interesting. Mr. benawyl has total opposite philosophies compared to my guys. Not that it's bad, just different. His posts are examples that when it comes to sex, love, and relationships how important it is to find the right fit with partners, and how lucky we are when we do.

This is really interesting. Mr. benawyl has total opposite philosophies compared to my guys. Not that it's bad, just different. His posts are examples that when it comes to sex, love, and relationships how important it is to find the right fit with partners, and how lucky we are when we do.

 

In what ways specifically?

@longun45 why do you say I'm trying to control her? I'm not upset with her for being attracted to the guy. I'm not upset with her for taking the hall pass. I haven't met him yet but I will meet him before their play date Sat.

 

As I've stated many times I'm not willing to be a woman's emotional choice while somebody else is her sexual choice. I'm not one of these guys who says just let her do whatever she needs to be happy as long as she comes home to me.

 

Well I'm not going to settle for sexual scraps and leftovers. It's just not how I'm wired.

 

I really think she wants a relationship where she can fuck whoever she wants whenever she wants. I'll never be good with that.

 

I'm not purposely trying to withhold I'm just in a bit of a funk I guess.

 

I have two main fears. One she enjoys sex less with me after this and or fantasizes about him during. Right now she intiates sex with me almost as much as I do with her. We do lots of fun wild stuff. I also get random out of the blue BJs and she did something with me last week that she hasn't with anybody else. She hardly ever says no. I don't want this to change.

 

My second fear is that at least for a while I don't want sex with her for a while after this Sat. I don't want that to happen but I can't control that either.

 

I have thought about this superior thing a bit. In reality there is not really any such thing as superior, only different. You might find someone smarter, bigger, taller with a bigger dick but so what. Superior? Really? By what standard? What happens when you fail your own arbitrary standard? Man up!! Quit the fear of loss, quit the jealousy, quit the superior attitude. Insead be confident, in yourself and in her. There is a vast difference between the two. Right now you use superiority as a crutch.

 

^^^^^^^^ can you expound on this please?

A frequent painful lament by hotwife hubbies is the awareness that their wife’s FB is bigger or better in bed, or that their wife seems to extend privileges to the FB that they themselves don’t enjoy. It needs to be remembered that husbands and lovers are chosen for different reasons and by different criteria. Wives usually love their husbands and care deeply about them, and have no intentions of ever leaving them. But if they are wise, women marry men who have shown their tenderness, good parenting potential and reliability. These are rarely the attributes of men who make women wet themselves with lust.

 

 

^^^^^^ I got the above from a hotwife forum. See for me personally I refuse to be boring reliable tender guy who's wife doesn't lust after him. I started this relationship as a pure fuckbuddy. While I expanded my role in her life I refuse to give up what we started as.

See for me personally I refuse to be boring reliable tender guy who's wife doesn't lust after him. I started this relationship as a pure fuckbuddy. While I expanded my role in her life I refuse to give up what we started as.

 

Then don't swing. You aren't cut for it.

benawyl,

 

You said...

"As I've stated many times I'm not willing to be a woman's emotional choice while somebody else is her sexual choice. I'm not one of these guys who says just let her do whatever she needs to be happy as long as she comes home to me.

 

Well I'm not going to settle for sexual scraps and leftovers. It's just not how I'm wired.

 

I really think she wants a relationship where she can fuck whoever she wants whenever she wants. I'll never be good with that."

 

I think that this is reasonable. Not everybody feels that way but I bet a majority of people in the lifestyle do... Or at least start out feeling that way.

 

Only settling for sexual scraps and leftovers sounds more like cuckolding to me than the lifestyle. While I know there are some guys who get off on that I don't think it is wrong for those those who don't. If you don't get off on it then why would it ever be acceptable for that to happen in your relationship and expect that relationship to survive? Maybe you relationship isn't meant to be... Who knows for sure. I think there are issues to be discussed and decided on BEFORE anything happens. The responses by both of you will answer the questions about your relationship.

 

Also, it almost sounds like you are "taking one for the team". From everything everyone has ever said to me that is the biggest no no in the lifestyle other than lying and concealing. Am I wrong in think that or has this critical issue just been overlooked?

 

But I have some questions for clarification.

 

1. Why not let her do whatever she wants to make her happy as long as she comes home to you and makes you happy? Maybe she needs more than you need. Fulfilling her additional needs is one of the things the lifestyle is about isn't it?

 

2. Why can't she fuck whom ever she wants whenever she wants as long as she comes home to you, fulfills all your needs, and never puts you second to whomever and whenever she is fucking someone else?

benawyl,

 

You said...

"As I've stated many times I'm not willing to be a woman's emotional choice while somebody else is her sexual choice. I'm not one of these guys who says just let her do whatever she needs to be happy as long as she comes home to me.

 

Well I'm not going to settle for sexual scraps and leftovers. It's just not how I'm wired.

 

I really think she wants a relationship where she can fuck whoever she wants whenever she wants. I'll never be good with that."

 

I think that this is reasonable. Not everybody feels that way but I bet a majority of people in the lifestyle do... Or at least start out feeling that way.

 

Only settling for sexual scraps and leftovers sounds more like cuckolding to me than the lifestyle. While I know there are some guys who get off on that I don't think it is wrong for those those who don't. If you don't get off on it then why would it ever be acceptable for that to happen in your relationship and expect that relationship to survive? Maybe you relationship isn't meant to be... Who knows for sure. I think there are issues to be discussed and decided on BEFORE anything happens. The responses by both of you will answer the questions about your relationship.

 

Also, it almost sounds like you are "taking one for the team". From everything everyone has ever said to me that is the biggest no no in the lifestyle other than lying and concealing. Am I wrong in think that or has this critical issue just been overlooked?

 

But I have some questions for clarification.

 

1. Why not let her do whatever she wants to make her happy as long as she comes home to you and makes you happy? Maybe she needs more than you need. Fulfilling her additional needs is one of the things the lifestyle is about isn't it?

 

2. Why can't she fuck whom ever she wants whenever she wants as long as she comes home to you, fulfills all your needs, and never puts you second to whomever and whenever she is fucking someone else?

 

1. Why? Because I don't want my SO out fucking multiple men a week while I'm just sitting around at home. I don't want our sexual energy to come from outside our relationship. That energy should be between us. Yes say I come home and want sex, she has been out fucking somebody else all day now she is tired or maybe not horny and I might end up with a no or an unenthusiastic quickie. Plus I really don't like going second. I turned down a girl at a club because she had already fucked somebody else that night. I mean I got kinda turned off during our last swap 2 weeks ago because my playmates husband started fucking his wife first without a condom. It took me a while to get going after that.

 

So yes her going out whenever could impact my sex life negatively.

 

Secondly I get nothing out of that arrangement. Single guys bring nothing to the table for me. I get nothing out of an MFM with her but I'll do one because she wants one. We've tried twice. First time was a miserable failure second one was a semi failure.

As I've stated many times I'm not willing to be a woman's emotional choice while somebody else is her sexual choice. I'm not one of these guys who says just let her do whatever she needs to be happy as long as she comes home to me.

 

Well I'm not going to settle for sexual scraps and leftovers. It's just not how I'm wired.

 

I really think she wants a relationship where she can fuck whoever she wants whenever she wants. I'll never be good with that.

 

When I was single I left a relationship that was pretty good over something like this. I just felt like I was constantly there picking up her pieces, when she wasn't there for me. There are always 'deal breakers' in any relationship, the question is, is this yours?

 

I'm not purposely trying to withhold I'm just in a bit of a funk I guess.

 

I have two main fears. One she enjoys sex less with me after this and or fantasizes about him during. Right now she intiates sex with me almost as much as I do with her. We do lots of fun wild stuff. I also get random out of the blue BJs and she did something with me last week that she hasn't with anybody else. She hardly ever says no. I don't want this to change.

 

My second fear is that at least for a while I don't want sex with her for a while after this Sat. I don't want that to happen but I can't control that either.

 

I have thought about this superior thing a bit. In reality there is not really any such thing as superior, only different. You might find someone smarter, bigger, taller with a bigger dick but so what. Superior? Really? By what standard? What happens when you fail your own arbitrary standard? Man up!! Quit the fear of loss, quit the jealousy, quit the superior attitude. Insead be confident, in yourself and in her. There is a vast difference between the two. Right now you use superiority as a crutch.

 

^^^^^^^^ can you expound on this please?

 

When something bothers me in the relationship, it's a turn off. Not fun!! I think most people are wired that way, god help those that are not.

 

The good news is that you are not married to her, and have no kids. Right?

 

Yeah there is good and bad sex, and good and bad sex partners. We are all pretty aware of that. It's why it's difficult to get a four way or six way match up!!

 

Should you be jealous of the other guy...yeah maybe? Are your needs being met by this relationship? Not really sounding that way, but only you can decide. Does she make you feel great after her encounters?? I have no idea.

 

The guys I know that love having their wife 'hot wife', love the way they are treated after her experience!! I am not saying this is for everybody, but this is the feedback I get from them. If you are not getting something extra from what she's doing you are not going to be into it at all.

 

Good luck sorting this thing out.

I have to agree, I don't believe that you are going to be successful with 'hotwifing' so I would just stay away from it. It seems like you want to let her do this but you don't want her to do this. If it does nothing for you, just stay away. I'm still more concerned about a guy still contacting her after 5 years...that just seems really strange.

I have to agree, I don't believe that you are going to be successful with 'hotwifing' so I would just stay away from it. It seems like you want to let her do this but you don't want her to do this. If it does nothing for you, just stay away. I'm still more concerned about a guy still contacting her after 5 years...that just seems really strange.

 

I wouldn't really call it hotwifing. More like a guaranteed thing for her on the way to the sex club. No different than if he was at the club and they went and played.

 

After they are done we'll actually go play with a hotwife we know at the club.

Maybe it is because English is not my first language, but 'after they are done' sounds so very detached to me, like you don't want to do anything with it. Like you are waiting outside in the car while she buys cigarettes at the gas station. Maybe technically not hotwifing, but sure sounds like that to me. Sorry if I read that wrong.

In what ways specifically?

 

OK, let me take a stab at it. I haven't made a complete study and analysis of all your posts, but here's where I think your coming from (and where our approach is different) from my understanding:

 

You said: "I'm 100% ok for her to make rules and have objections. She should be 100% ok with me doing the same.

 

If she asks me not to do X and I do it anyway then I'm saying X is more important than my relationship with you. Once I go down that line then she would be justified in ending the relationship."

 

My perspective: Hubby and I, and now the rest of our poly family (one other guy, two other women) don't have rules for two reasons. 1) Before coming together in our relationships/marriage we confirmed that we had the same general set of values. 2) We tell each other everything, even incipient desires, so nothing comes as a surprise. If one of us thinks someone else is attractive, we says so just so we know where that person's head is and which direction they're pointed.

 

You said: "If I tell her before we ever play for the first time that you do this one thing and it will be the end of our relationship."

 

My perspective: I can't think of one sexual thing that any of us could do that would end the relationship. Cause for discussion, yes; but we are typically looking to please the other, not inhibit them. For something to be relationship ending it would need to be something like muder, violence, drug use. And as above, we have pre-selected each other carefully so that is not the case.

 

You said: "Yes I also can't stand short hair...

Now if she did it for a lover? Oh that would absolutely not happen. That would be a huge issue."

 

My perspective: Hubby and I both have done things for lovers that the other doesn't themselves like. Best example is that I have done anal with the other three guys that I have had sex with in my life; I have never done it with my husband. In such cases we at a minimum find it interesting, at most terribly exciting.

 

You said: "I don't encourage anything. My partner came to me about swinging. I said ok I'll try it under these conditions. I laid those boundaries out clearly. I can take or leave swinging. I don't get turned on watching her with men or women. I get absolutely nothing out of her being with others.

Her coming home with me is just not enough for me.Sorry I'm not wired that way. I need a partner that needs me sexually just as much if not more as they do emotionally.

...

Hey I'll be honest I'd rather her fall in love and leave than fall in lust with somebody else, stay, and then I get lackluster sex or she is fantasizing about him while she fucks me."

 

My perspective: First, I admire letting your partner start swinging even though it does nothing for you to watch her (but does it do anything for you to fuck other women?). Second, both hubby and I see it as our challenge, a challenge we both welcome, to keep wooing our spouse and keep them interested, not for the other to avoid getting the physical or emotional hots for someone else. Finally, for hubby and I fucking other people has only improved our sex lives, never diminished it.

 

You said: "... but he was wasted and she didn't want to risk another erection issue.

... The problem is this single guy is serious competition. She likes tall guys. I'm only 6' he's 6'4". I'm big and strong but not ripped and he's ripped. He has a monster hog and is good in bed.

I'm pretty worried about the aftermath. This could really go bad."

 

My Perspective: Perhaps it's because we're all control freaks (control of ourselves and situations, not other people) so none of us ever gets wasted. No drugs, only the smallest amounts of alcohol. As I've indicated before, someone who has qualities that you do not are things for your parner to enjoy. Let her have them, she'll love you all the more and Perhaps you'll love to enjoy the burn of jealousy.

 

You said: "It is my burden to bare (sic. bear) not hers. She hasn't had one good experience since we started this in June. This should be a good one for her I just don't want it to be too good.

I'm not worried about her leaving. I'm worried about losing her lust..."

 

My perspective: Again, I commend you for wanting your partner to have a good experience. I just don't think there is such a thing as having an experience that is "too good" and losing her lust. In the end YOU are the one that gets credit for the good sex she has, even with another person, and it's been my consistent experience that good sex (even with someone else) leads to more and better sex with my husband.

Maybe it is because English is not my first language, but 'after they are done' sounds so very detached to me, like you don't want to do anything with it. Like you are waiting outside in the car while she buys cigarettes at the gas station. Maybe technically not hotwifing, but sure sounds like that to me. Sorry if I read that wrong.

 

Yeah it's detached I'm going to go watch football while they play.

 

She is then going to watch me play with a hotwife that's been wanting to see me for a while. Plus I'm going to get a long time fantasy fulfilled.

 

You know what she said just a few mins ago?

 

I'm a little worried about Sat. I asked why. She said I'm worried about you intimidating him.

 

I said what are you talking about. She said the last four guys couldn't get it up and were such a disapointment. I don't want you to make him nervous.

 

I said I'm nice to everyone. She said yes but they tell me you're intimidating at the same time.

 

I have no idea what that's about as I'm perfectly polite and gracious to everybody we meet.

 

Reverse psychology maybe?

I don't want you to make him nervous.

 

I said I'm nice to everyone. She said yes but they tell me you're intimidating at the same time.

 

I have no idea what that's about as I'm perfectly polite and gracious to everybody we meet.

 

Reverse psychology maybe?

 

I'm thinking that others can't help but pick up on your alpha-male mind-set. Whether you say it out loud or not, sometimes body language can speak volumes.

Agree, I think you show more of your inner thoughts than you are aware of. Which happens all the time with all of us. Especially in a awkward situation like this: both you and her lovers are not in their comfort zone. It is not only harder in such situations to hide your feelings, the receiving party is also more aware and scanning your signals.

 

Plus I would not be surprised if her body language gives a clue as well, this may be the first time she brings it up but she might has felt it the last time(s) already.

Well it's d day. I didn't sleep all night. My date for tonight cancelled. Not sure if I even want to still go to the sex club tonight.

 

I might just stay home let her go play and watch football.

You do know Swinging sex is supposed to be fun for everyone ? If my husband was thinking about it this hard, I'd just put an end to it. It's really about having fun sex with people that like to have fun sex. This inward and outward battle you are having with limits and barriers and perceptions is frankly getting in the way of the experience you could have. From a certain point of view, you just seem to build this 'house' to burn it down.

 

Oh, and really, 'Death Warrant ?' Really ? Think about that perceived extreme. You're simply supposed to have sex that is so great the neighbors need a cigarette. Really, please, just go have a good time.

 

PS-- Have you considered that your 'vibe' may be deflating the other male party a bit. How many men have said."I don't know what they're talking about . I'm a perfectly nice guy." Yep. I've heard that a lot from folks with little introspective abilities.

The reason I say Death Warrant ( could have used Pink Slip) is this.

 

My number one job as a man in a relationship is Lover. It's my responsibility to provide her with great sex and orgasms.

 

If I sub out my work to somebody else and they do a great job kinda makes me less valuable. Right?

My number one job as a man in a relationship is Lover.

 

Might disagree. Number 1 role in our relationship is "partner". Enabling for one another new and different experiences (vanilla or otherwise) enhances that role, as opposed to diminishing it.

Hopefully this doesn't come too harsh but I wanted to chime in. I, like you, believe it's my responsibility to ensure that my gf is satisfied. I mean pleasurable responsibility :-)

It's what we do for the people we love.

It is, however, also my belief, that if I was to be replaced by someone with bigger dick, nicer body, longer lasting or whatever, then this relationship/person was not worth it.

There are two aspects of the sex for most people - emotional and physical - anybody can satisfy a physical urge. The emotional is the one that when intertwined with the physical attraction makes for the best sex.

Which one are you worried about?

Also, forgot to say that if it bothers you that much now, perhaps stop and talk/think about it. He will always be available but your relationship and how you feel about it and your SO could and may change if you proceed with something that obviously is bugging you quite a bit. there are always consequences when you force yourself to go through with something that you feel uneasy about. Sometimes it could turn out for the better but it seems more often is just the opposite.

Well he just rescheduled at the last minute. I said I'm sorry. Even tho I'm worried about it I still felt bad at her disapointment.

 

She got this puzzeled look on her face and said I don't give a fuck (lol) I could take it or leave it.

 

Then she asked if I had already cancelled our reservations for the club ( I had told her I was staying home) I said not yet. Now I'm thinking about going again.

My number one job as a man in a relationship is Lover. It's my responsibility to provide her with great sex and orgasms.

 

Wrong, imho. If you get an accident or get ill and it leaves you without the capability to have sex for a while (or ever), or she is not capable to orgasm, then your relationship would be less? Partner is indeed your number one job.

Only if you believe it. Argue for such limitations and they are yours.

 

If I sub out my work to somebody else and they do a great job kinda makes me less valuable. Right?

Wrong, imho. If you get an accident or get ill and it leaves you without the capability to have sex for a while (or ever), or she is not capable to orgasm, then your relationship would be less? Partner is indeed your number one job.

 

Well ot would depend on the accident but yes if I was paralyzed then of course I'd tell her to take on some FBs. If I just could't get it up? Implant or prosthetic would be options along with possible supplementation but yes I think the relationship would take a bit of a hit. Sex between a couple is way too important otherwise you are just friends.

 

But I'm still capable now. I need to be my partner's number one choice not the guy she bangs cause I'm convenient, not just because she cares about me.

But I'm still capable now. I need to be my partner's number one choice not the guy she bangs cause I'm convenient, not just because she cares about me.

 

No problem with you wanting to be the number one guy... But with all you have said it seems like you want to be the only guy. As others have said... Swing is probably not for you. You just don't give any of the correct vibes.

 

Too bad that you put so much emphasis on sex. It is such a small part of a loving relationship. I suspect that you are fooling yourself into believing that you have complete fulfilling relationships but until you find one that is so much more that just the sex you will never know what you are missing. That doesn't mean you are not happy now... Just that there is so much more.

 

Even if you aren't the best in her opinion... That doesn't mean that it is just because you are convenient. I wouldn't stand for just being convenient either. But if she loves you and wants to give you pleasure even though you aren't the best... Well that is a form of sacrifice on her part and a sign of love imho. Otherwise... Why bother?

 

Question. Why do you care about this relationship so much? Everything you say appears to paint her in a negative light and not someone you would want to be with. Maybe as a fuck buddy... But not a relationship.

 

Also, why are you on this board? What are you looking for? Just curiosity on my part so don't read anything negative into the question.

Why are you swinging?

I see insecurity and fear in you from many places - mostly personal insecurities. They are not evil and I am not trying to punish or call you out. Merely to point out that you have a hard accepting people like you and want to be around you. You must accept yourself as you are, Drop the fear of rejection and know you can improve yourself at your leisure. She has accepted you and now you need to accept her judgement of you and accept yourself as you are. Self acceptance is required for growth.

 

Your statement

My number one job as a man in a relationship is Lover. It's my responsibility to provide her with great sex and orgasms.

The first part is partly true, the second part is patently false. Her orgasms are NOT your responsibility, they are HERS. You can help her achieve them and that is all. You are not her secretary or her pimp. Your definition of lover ( as I read it) is purely in the sexual context. It encomapsses so much more, in every area of life, not just sexual. Sex is easy, even mechanical. But if you want to give her an orgasm - you must first have her permission. Otherwise she can shut it off.

 

Sex in a committed couple is an expression of love, it can be lustful, hard, soft, bouncy, Steamy, sultry, painful, pleasurable, but underlying it is love. Not so in sport sex which is swinging.

 

Your number one job in the relationship is to love her, support her, be there for her. You are not a thing there only to give sexual pleasure. She can get that anywhere even from a vibrator. She chooses you. Quit trying to control everything, it wastes your time and your energy you could be channeling to other things - like her. It causes you to operate in the world of "What IF". What if is a place that does not exist unless you will it by self fulling prophesy. Instead of what if - deal with here and now. You have choices, that is in reality all the control you actually have.

 

Drop the FEAR and know it is a tissue of shadows that do not exist except in your mind. Accept yourself and her acceptance of you. You will find it much more rewarding and a lot more fun.

No problem with you wanting to be the number one guy... But with all you have said it seems like you want to be the only guy. As others have said... Swing is probably not for you. You just don't give any of the correct vibes.

 

Too bad that you put so much emphasis on sex. It is such a small part of a loving relationship. I suspect that you are fooling yourself into believing that you have complete fulfilling relationships but until you find one that is so much more that just the sex you will never know what you are missing. That doesn't mean you are not happy now... Just that there is so much more.

 

Even if you aren't the best in her opinion... That doesn't mean that it is just because you are convenient. I wouldn't stand for just being convenient either. But if she loves you and wants to give you pleasure even though you aren't the best... Well that is a form of sacrifice on her part and a sign of love imho. Otherwise... Why bother?

 

Question. Why do you care about this relationship so much? Everything you say appears to paint her in a negative light and not someone you would want to be with. Maybe as a fuck buddy... But not a relationship.

 

Also, why are you on this board? What are you looking for? Just curiosity on my part so don't read anything negative into the question.

 

I can share her but it's not always easy. The more I do the more comfortable I get. I never said I have to be her best. My fear is that I will lose her lust in doing this. That she may find something so good somewhere that she stays with me but no longer craves sex with me. She craves it with someone else. That would not be a relationship I would like.

 

What do I like? We get along so well. She's hot smart, fun, funny we share common interests and life experiences even with our large age gap. The sex is incredible (I don't want to lose that)

 

Why am I on this board? Simple as a place I can air all my concerns. I can't do that with her for multiple reasons. One is she is very solipsistic. Last night I was asking what she thought about a couple and she got aggravated. She said if you want to go fuck her just do it. You don't have to ask me. I looked at her and said you do realize that most of these women unlike you don't have the freedom to just go off to playrooms with me right? That you are a unique situation that I don't require us to play together or nothing? Her response? Why? What's the big deal with these people it's just sex! Why do they think we are here?

 

I had that happen last night. Girl was dancing with me kissing me I was fingering her while she stroked me. I said let's go play and she said I want to but we only play together and her husband was wasted. My GF was like I don't get why ppl go that far and just stop.

Ok so little update. Today we played with a very young couple M29 F22. We did same room and I was pretty comfortable. No issues getting it up. No real issues when a little brief MFM happened with my play partner and her guy.

 

I had good sex it was pretty fun and the girl wants a repeat. Unfortunately my GF did not have a great time and not sure if there will be a repeat.

 

I didn't really have jealousy or negative feelings for the most part. I was a little envious that she used her favorite position but oh well.

 

Maybe the more I do this the more comfortable I'll get.

Maybe the more I do this the more comfortable I'll get.

 

It's a bit like saying, "Maybe I'll get used to this piece of glass in my foot if I just walk it off."

 

My number one job as a man in a relationship is Lover. It's my responsibility to provide her with great sex and orgasms.

 

If I sub out my work to somebody else and they do a great job kinda makes me less valuable. Right?

 

If this is how you choose to measure your value in a relationship, swinging will never be a good option for you. You will always wind up feeling unloved/unvalued, because as good as you might be for her, there will always be someone who can do something better than you can. You might be better at something else than they are, but it won't change the fact that you cannot be THE best at EVERYTHING.