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Mrs mph

Couples who are not real couples?

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Hello everyone!

As still very new to all this I just wanted your opinion on something?

We have been approached through a swinging site by a lady who wants us to meet her and her fb! They are not in a relationship and do not live together. He is 20 years younger than her!

I am a little dubious as she is therefore a single lady and he a single man and we have decided to only meet couples. Is this usual? Could it lead to problems if she becomes keen on my hubby?

Thank you

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While this isn't the norm, it also isn't too unusual. Personally, we choose to stay with committed couples (less drama) who are closer to our own age (more in common). It almost always will lead to problems if anyone becomes 'keen' on one of the others. If it was us, we would pass, but that is only our opinion and what is right for us isn't necessarily right for someone else.

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I would argue it depends more on the quality of their relationship than one the terms they, or others, use to describe it. A pair of friends who play together regularly might have a stronger, more stable, swinging relationship that a married couple... or not. I generally hold that life and human relationships are too damn complex to fit neatly into the boxes we try to make for ourselves.

 

However if you are not comfortable with something, for whatever reason, that is reason enough not to go ahead with it.

 

I am curious though... you ask: Could it lead to problems if she becomes keen on my hubby? I wonder if there might be something behind that question that you should perhaps explore.

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Mrs mph, of course it will be a problem any time a person develops romantic feelings for a play partner, whether the person in question is a single or half of a couple. I tend to think that this is not all that likely, though, for experienced singles in the lifestyle.

 

Is your desire to meet only couples based on the fact that you two are only looking for swap situations? Or is there an element of concern lurking in your minds that singles are more likely to develop romantic feelings toward a play partner?

 

The Mrs. and I have played with singles a few times, and have not yet been given a reason to worry about their intentions.

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The very first online contact we got when put up a profile was from a couple that was something less than our definition of a couple, but that's not the way they presented themselves. We actually went so far as to talk on the phone with him, and even being new it didn't take us long to pick up on he was being a little evasive about her and their exact status. From what we heard later, I guess the best description for them was teamed up fuck buddies. They got together to swing, and had kind of an off and on casual relationship outside of swinging. At least that's what we heard once we got more familiar with the local scene. They were very active online and especially so toward new profiles, so word had kind of gotten around that they were the tell you one thing ahead of time and then something else later for those who actually got as far as meeting them in person. It happens, but it's not all that common.

 

As to your second question, I would just say go with what you are comfortable with. If married couples make you more comfortable, then don't feel bad about that. Feeling comfortable is the key to successfully getting into swinging, so do whatever it takes to start off the easiest way you can. Later, once you start feeling more confident in the game, then you can always widen your strike zone.

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In on this!

 

So we have met long term relationship couples that were more like fuck buddies, fuck buddies and long term relationship people. For us it totally depends on whether it would be fun for us. It's not really our business what the depth is of their relationship.

 

That being said, I would have to honestly admit, we get along better with people that are more like ourselves and have an established long term relationship.

 

So I guess the answer is it depends?!?!

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From Mark and Christy Kidd's book A Modern Marriage: A Memoir (Talking about people they'd see at the clubs):

 

Another old fave was a guy who was a dead ringer for George Costanza on Seinfeld—always angry and frustrated because he could never get laid. His MO was to bring along a gorgeous strip club dancer from outside to use as bait to attract couples, but it always ended up that the couple would get involved with the dancer and shut him out. “Tonight sucks,” he’d always say, and we had to agree that for him it probably did. He’d lie beside the threesome and start rubbing their legs, but before long he’d be kicked off, like Don’t bother me, little boy. It happened with such regularity that Mark decided it was his thing to be rejected. I think he was right. Being scorned was what rocked Costanza’s boat.

 

I have no idea why a guy would do this.

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We have close friends in the lifestyle who are in a committed relationship for many years with no plans to marry. We have played with them several times and enjoy them very much. What we look for when we choose people to play with are a couple who seems to have a connection with each other. If they are distant from each other we stay away. We have found ourselves in a situation where the couple turned out to be just "fuck buddies" and although we would not have chosen this scenario it turned out fine. Probably just depends on the couples.

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If you learn this then ask some pointed questions. They should be expected and the answers should be truthful.

 

Is one or both married?

If yes does spouse know?

 

Why couple up. In truth there are only a few reasons.

Couples only events.

Safety,

To meet other couples who do not want to do singles.

And last thought is that they are dating, not committed, but testing the waters and the other person.

 

Nothing is foolproof, but ask some good questions and see if their body language matches the answers.

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Red and I have seen multiple versions of the "couples" who are at varying levels of relationships- a couple separated from their other partners, married woman on the sly with her single boyfriend, sugar daddies (married?) bankrolling a swing club visit with their much younger ladies (pro-amateur hookers?), couple of convenience for the male to avoid exexpensive swing club entry fee, etc.

 

It comes down to who you personally feel comfortable playing with and in what environment. Since Red and I are more voyeur and exhibitionist, we typically didn't worry about the couple dynamic too much. Since 99% of the time it was never a couples full swap anyway in the house parties. I'd be playing with the other woman either alone or with her man watching/playing with her at the same time and Red either just watching nearby or poking around the corner of the doorjamb to look every so often.

 

(Only recently did I use a closed room but that was with a regular swinging friend whose husband played on his own at parties too. Red barged in on me and the lady jokingly saying "Where's my husband at and whose pussy is he eating? Oh,look he's in here naked and eating "Debbie's" pussy! Ok,"Debbie" make sure he does it right for you!" To which the naked "Debbie" started laughing because she knew Red was cool with us.)

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We have close friends in the lifestyle who are in a committed relationship for many years with no plans to marry.

 

Marriage is just a form of a relationship. We have a household of six, cars, a mortgage, pets. Together for 13 years. And we swing occasionally. But we will never, never get married. Are we more a risk as a couple to swing with? I doubt it.

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Marriage is just a form of a relationship. We have a household of six, cars, a mortgage, pets. Together for 13 years. And we swing occasionally. But we will never, never get married. Are we more a risk as a couple to swing with? I doubt it.

 

Yeah what's up with European's and that?? Why is that so common? I mean, I guess it keeps the divorce rate down, but still I get a little confused.

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There are other legal options available (for being recognised as parents, financially, legal responsibilities etc) so the only reasons would be things like culture/emotions/religion etc. If that is not the case, mariage is often not the choice.

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We are in the same situation as MrDiscover. We've been together for years and love each other completely, but have no plans on getting married. Both of us were in 20+ year marriages that failed (and failed YEARS before they ended). Marriage is great for providing stability to raise kids. That's the reason I stayed as long as I did, to raise my son. Now we are together because we WANT to be together. IF we don't want to be together any more, we can leave (in fact, we have a ritual every year where we ask the other if they are willing to commit to another year together). We both have children who are out on their own and have no plans on having more children. We don't care if we don't have paperwork filed with the State to recognize that we are a couple...we ARE a couple and we are a couple by choice, not because of some paperwork. We are as committed as any 'married' couple we know and more because we are not trapped together. It works for us and most people can't tell that we are not married. We're not hurting anyone and it is what works for us...kind of like how swinging works for some and then there are others who just can't wrap their heads around the concept.

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There are other legal options available (for being recognised as parents, financially, legal responsibilities etc) so the only reasons would be things like culture/emotions/religion etc. If that is not the case, mariage is often not the choice.

 

We are in the same situation as MrDiscover. We've been together for years and love each other completely, but have no plans on getting married. Both of us were in 20+ year marriages that failed (and failed YEARS before they ended). Marriage is great for providing stability to raise kids. That's the reason I stayed as long as I did, to raise my son. Now we are together because we WANT to be together. IF we don't want to be together any more, we can leave (in fact, we have a ritual every year where we ask the other if they are willing to commit to another year together). We both have children who are out on their own and have no plans on having more children. We don't care if we don't have paperwork filed with the State to recognize that we are a couple...we ARE a couple and we are a couple by choice, not because of some paperwork. We are as committed as any 'married' couple we know and more because we are not trapped together. It works for us and most people can't tell that we are not married. We're not hurting anyone and it is what works for us...kind of like how swinging works for some and then there are others who just can't wrap their heads around the concept.

 

My apologies I didn't mean to offend or step on anyone's toes regarding their choice to marry. I am good with what you choose.

 

I have noticed that marriage is less prevalent in European countries than in the USA/NA(don't want to leave out Canada and Mexico). Europeans will often have long term arrangements that include very 'marriage like' agreements regarding kids, etc. They seem to work 'around' the marriage concept. The only explanation I have ever gotten was that 'marriage' in Europe is solely a religious commitment, even then the person answering the questions was pretty vague. So I was wondering if I could get a bit more feedback on why the institution of marriage is less popular in Europe? Or do you think I am mistaken regarding the popularity of the institution?

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No toes squashed and no offense taken...and not wanting to appear that this was the case. It is what it is...and it's really good!

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Confused as to what MrDiscover read in my post that said I had something against people who are not married as playmates...

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We go by how the couple interacts with each other, we want to play with loving and affectionate couples. Who clearly truly enjoy each other and have a sense of protection or security over each other. I feel more safe that way, knowing mr. playpartner will most likely not do anything to me that he wouldn't want done to ms. playpartner. So we tend to gravitate to couples that have been together in longer established relationships.

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