Swingers playroom behavior was not what we expected

Hi, we are brand new. To learn more about the LS we recently attended the Swingers Convention in New Orleans. We were there to observe, not play, to get our feet wet, so to speak, and to attend some of the lectures. First, let me say we had a wonderful time and met some great people. Second, I hope my post does not offend anyone, that's not my intention...we're just `wondering'.

Based on watching Swing we had expectations on what we'd see. Maybe that was naiveté? BTW, we met and had a lengthy private chat with Michael. Such a pleasant man...and quite humble. He wanted to introduce us to Holli, took us to her and we just chatted with her for a minute as we needed to be somewhere else but she is equally nice.

We were really excited to observe in the playroom, talked a lot about it during our drive down to New Orleans. In the playroom, however, we were confounded. People for the most part appeared disinterested and/or disengaged from what they were doing. One man was receiving a BJ while he stood, just looking around and at the ceiling...as though bored out of his mind, certainly not paying attention to the woman giving it to him....we never saw him ever even look at her. Facial expression never changed. Woman was giving it all she had and it appeared that she really knew what she was doing. I love giving a BJ and have never been done so a man did not indicate pleasure. Had I been her I would have excused myself, "I seem to be keeping you from something more important," and left. We went to another room, returned, she was still working on him and he still looked totally bored. This had been going on for at least 15 minutes with no apparent end in sight. My guy said she was going to need traction when/if he gave it up! We also saw a few men going down on women for lengthy times...women did not move...they could have been asleep for all the response we saw.....and these men, like the first woman, seemed to be giving it all they had.

Quite a few couples engaged in intercourse of various kinds. The rooms were, for the most part, totally silent, not even sounds of heavy breathing. In one room we did actually hear one woman moaning with pleasure, in another a young man was yelling, but others...nothing. We also didn't see women responding....just laying totally silent and unmoving during intercourse.

I really love sex, and with my guy's attention it is impossible to lay still...my hips have a mind of their own, my arms are around him, holding him, clutching, fingers in his hair, making sounds of pleasure.... It would be obvious to anyone how much I am enjoying my guy. That's what we expected to see...but what we saw was almost a total lack of energy. We didn't see passion, excitement, `heh, I'm really glad to be with you', sounds of pleasure. They were here to have a good time but we didn't see anyone apparently having one.

We wondered if what we see on Swing is acting, or if this is how `real people' have sex....silently, bodies not responding? We'd read on this site, and heard from some people we spoke to in New Orleans that some men are just duds, and some women are `cold fishes'....but this many people behaving this way in one place? Statistically impossible. My guy has made a point about women pretending to enjoy when with a bad lover....says it makes the guy think he's doing a good job. And, that not responding is honesty and could spur the man on to learn how to satisfy a woman.

We also wondered if the passive women we saw just didn't like sex and were there simply for their husbands? A man I dated a few years ago was a SW in the 70s. He said many women were coerced by their men to be there and would have to get drunk to participate. A woman we met in New Orleans said she wanted to stop swinging, her husband did not, and she swung only to save her marriage. We went 2x to the Girls' room as that turns my guy on. Sadly it was empty each time. Only FF action was on the dance floor.

We were all set to become quite sexually excited by action in the playroom and to get a private room and go for it. However, to our total surprise, the atmosphere was so stultifying that we were totally bored. How can anyone be bored watching people have sex? That's what we asked ourselves as we caught the elevator. My guy wondered if Convention sex is different than behavior at clubs?

The guy I used to date said sometimes men would fall asleep on the mattress right after sex. We saw one man withdraw his penis and flat out fall sideways onto the mattress....actually bounced when he fell...not asleep, passed out, and he was out cold for quite some time. He was part of a 4some. My guy thought he needed medical attention and that 911 should be called, but as the other 3 just sat and talked while he was unconscious, we assumed this was just something he did!! Hmmm, may he did have an overpowering orgasm!! If so, good for him!!

Thanks for comments about what we saw. We are still simply confounded.

Do not, Ms. Daphne, stand in a doorway during a lightning storm. If very unlikely experiences come in threes, you're about due for another.

Daphne, we would have been just as surprised as you were!

We have been at this for just about a year, and we have seen and heard all kinds of hot stuff in the playrooms at clubs, house parties, hotel takeovers, and a lifestyle resort (Desire Riviera Maya in Cancun), but never at a convention. I have no explanation for the uninspired scenes you witnessed... maybe everybody was very tired and/or very drunk at the time??

One thing I will mention is that it seems like guys are not nearly as vocal as the women would like them to be! As a guy, I might be unusual in that I like to make some noise when the feeling moves me- I usually don't get the "did you cum yet?" question! But in our experience so far, a lot of guys kind of keep a low audio profile. To their detriment, in my opinion!

I hope you two will try again! Maybe the vibe at a club will be more lively, and if so, that would match up better with our experience. Good luck!

You were in the wrong place! We've seen plenty of yelling, screaming and interest. If you are able to go to a club or house party, you will see enthusiasm. We hope what you saw in NOLA was unique. I would expect new levels of debauchery at that convention.

I'm speculating wildly but it sounds to me like what you were watching wasn't sex, it was performance art. Having sex in public isn't all that easy. Most people get self-conscious and that probably accounts for some of what you saw, or didn't see. They might have been trying to put on a show without knowing how or feeling comfortable enough to really do it well.

Well two things from my point of view. Blow jobs don't do a lot for me. I don't get a lot of feeling and/or movement. Maybe the guy was one of these. As far as sound goes... I started with oral sex very early and learned to be a very quiet comer. Couldn't let the parents in the next room or the brother sitting on the couch while we were under the blanket know. Now that silence is just what is normal for me and to try to make sounds just seems fake.

My wife is also very quiet too. Don't know why but would love to be with one of those women are so passionate that they could wake the dead with there sound but in the six women that I have ever been with never encountered one.

Maybe it's me and I don't do it for the woman Or maybe most women aren't screamers. I know I can get a woman bucking her hips really really hard while I am eating her.

As far as enjoying blow jobs... Maybe I haven't found the right partner there yet either.

Now for what you asked... I would have expected much more action and noise in the lifestyle. I would expect that the people who go to a convention are sex "maniacs" and really enjoy it and know how to let go. What you described would have surprised me as well even though I have no experience in the LS except for a brief visit to a convention to observe just as you did.

I also love it when men make noise! The most memorable play times were with men who were vocal.

Sadly, like Mbgdallas, I am also quiet in bed due to forcing myself to be quiet when masturbating when I was still living with my parents. Now I have to be quiet because of the kids. I do try to remind myself at parties that I can make noise but it won't ever be screaming.

I have had to be quiet while having sex for most of the past 25 years (my total time of being sexually active) due to parents, then kids. Our youngest turned 16, we bought him a vehicle & he has been away working all summer. It has been a sexual revolution for hubby & I! (and we began swinging which upped the overall excitement too). Wow, I never knew how much I was holding back & suppressing till this past year! I am new able to let go, buck, clutch and yes, scream, not to mention all the other sounds hubby says I make when the O's start coming continuously... Hubby is quite the smartass (my male FWB also) and will say afterwards "Well, I hope I was able to get you off at least once". Lol.

Sorry your first experience with the LS was such a "dud". I hope you will have more enjoyable viewing experiences on your next adventures!

-She

I didn't realize how much I missed being vocal until we found ourselves with an empty house one night (kids were over at the In-Law's house). When I masturbate, I'm quiet, kinda helps to get that zen-like focus. When Mr. Prufrock and I are going at it I can be very vocal. It gets him going, which gets me going... well you can see where that leads.

The behavior we saw was in the 'open' playrooms with open curtains. There were 3 types of rooms. 1. Totally open, curtains pulled back for full viewing. 2. sheer curtains which gave a hazy look at the couples, so sorta semi private but not really. 3. closed rooms. It was awkward at first watching the couples but we realized that they had chosen to be on display with those open curtains and had read posts here that some couples get off on showing off...so we were expecting theatrics, if you will. Not passionless, no energy or connection sex.

Daphne,

I will play devil's advocate and say just because people weren't loud doesn't mean there wasn't passion or connection. I'm not sure why people associate loudness with enjoyment levels. I can have the best orgasm of my life and barely be grunting.

My theory is that a person being vocal reinforces they are satisfied and makes us feel better about our performance. I get that. But at the same time wouldn't call someone a "dead fish" if they aren't very vocal. Although swinging is fun It still can be awkward to have people watching you while your with a relative stranger. Add to that your having to check in with your spouse to make sure they are ok. Plus your already worried about pleasing your partner, then maybe you have had a few drinks and your not focusing. Then the nuclear bomb. Suppose your SO is vocal, moaning how much they love it. Then the seed of jealousy kicks in. Most swingers by definition are not jealous but hearing and seeing your SO moaning or screaming can make you wonder about your own performance if they aren't normally THAT vocal. Ergo, I think a lot of people hold back so as not to make their SO jealous. Not a lot, but just enough.

Very good and comprehensive post. PleasingHer. Made a lot of sense. I do need to clarify, however. It wasn't just no moaning or heavy breathing, it was the total lack of movement in most of the women, they just lay there, arms at side, seemingly making no contact with their partner.

Maybe it's like the dance floor at a wedding reception? All it needed was one couple to go out and get their freak on and then everyone else follows suit?

One thing I have noticed in group situations are once I start with my loud self it usually gets the other ladies going louder also. I usually get a good amount of verbal feedback from my partners as well simply because I ask for it. "Tell me how much your enjoying my ****" always gets some moans and grunts my way. Some of them have said they don't think to talk until I ask and enjoy it more once they did.

Mbgallas : Maybe I can help...that is if it's not been tried on your Mr. Friendly. Every man I've ever given a BJ to has appeared to be pretty rapturous, so I thought I knew everything there was about this fun activity. HOWEVER, I learned something at a seminar recently that sent my guy to an even higher level. Back side of the penis there is a small spot right above the rim surrounding the head that is equivalent of the woman's G-spot when pressed on by the tip of woman's finger or tongue. Press kinda hard. If a woman hasn't it this spot, tell her about it and see if it increases your sensations.

My experience is limited, but I've played with people who whoop and holler like it's a rodeo, and with some who seem to think we were in a public library. I suggest that you give it time. I once was with a couple who didn't say much and certainly were not vocal during the play time. A couple of days later, they texted me asking for a rematch, saying that I drove both of them crazy, and was the best they had ever had. HUH? I almost checked my calendar to see if it was the same couple. Sure enough, the next time, it was more of the same. They simply were not vocal people. By the same token, I've been with a lady who was so loud that she attracted all of the alley cats in Indianapolis. It's a big, old, world out there, with plenty of variations.

Mr. Prufrock (by the way, is that from the poem? I was also referring to the women who just lay there while the man worked, seemingly uninterested. Never saw any movement from many, not even touching the man. Expressions remained noncommittal...disengaged.

"Tell me how much your enjoying my ****" always gets some moans and grunts my way.

It got my attention, and I was only reading it!

Daphne, I know you saw this kind of scene more than once, but I've gotta believe it was not the norm. And it is definitely not what we've seen, as we said earlier. I really hope you will give the swinging world another chance! Or enjoy your play with just a play partner; or just him, your guy, and HIS play partner. I'm sure that will be a hot and sexy experience for you both!

As some have suggested, perhaps we'll see more of what real swinging is about in clubs. Do clubs generally have age limits?

Daphne.

Tell me more tell me more please.

Age limits? Not in my experience. The average range is 35-50 but I've seen much older and younger couples at the clubs in my area.

Do clubs generally have age limits?

I know of no clubs that have an age limit, except of course for not allowing minors in. That said, I do think different clubs may tend to attract different age groups. For example, I get the sense that a club called Entre Nous near us in DC may skew toward a younger demographic (say, 20s to 40s), while another club not far away in PA called The Korral may be frequented by folks in their mid-40s and 50s+).

Note that the ranges I'm giving you here are just averages- there is a wide variation in age among the attendees at a club, and you are likely to find folks in their 20s and their 60s at any club on a particular night.

Regarding the query about the ages of swingers, I'm in my 60s and a couple of years ago at a party played with a couple who are in their mid-80s. They had been in the lifestyle for as long as I've been alive, commencing on their wedding night.

It is so true that the swinger life style here in the USA is lacking excitement. My wife and I attended clubs in Germany, Italy , Spain, and here in the USA. I have to admit that German Swinger clubs should be the place to attend for your first time. After visiting three swinger events between Lawton, OK and Dallas, TX; we are not going to waste our time trying to fine what we were use to in Germany. We came to the conclusion that we will wait until we visit Germany again to attend our next event. Take a trip to Germany you will be amazed with the difference in the swinger life style between the USA and Europe.

Hi, we are brand new. To learn more about the LS we recently attended the Swingers Convention in New Orleans. We were there to observe, not play, to get our feet wet, so to speak, and to attend some of the lectures. First, let me say we had a wonderful time and met some great people. Second, I hope my post does not offend anyone, that's not my intention...we're just `wondering'.

 

Based on watching Swing we had expectations on what we'd see. Maybe that was naiveté? BTW, we met and had a lengthy private chat with Michael. Such a pleasant man...and quite humble. He wanted to introduce us to Holli, took us to her and we just chatted with her for a minute as we needed to be somewhere else but she is equally nice.

 

We were really excited to observe in the playroom, talked a lot about it during our drive down to New Orleans. In the playroom, however, we were confounded. People for the most part appeared disinterested and/or disengaged from what they were doing. One man was receiving a BJ while he stood, just looking around and at the ceiling...as though bored out of his mind, certainly not paying attention to the woman giving it to him....we never saw him ever even look at her. Facial expression never changed. Woman was giving it all she had and it appeared that she really knew what she was doing. I love giving a BJ and have never been done so a man did not indicate pleasure. Had I been her I would have excused myself, "I seem to be keeping you from something more important," and left. We went to another room, returned, she was still working on him and he still looked totally bored. This had been going on for at least 15 minutes with no apparent end in sight. My guy said she was going to need traction when/if he gave it up! We also saw a few men going down on women for lengthy times...women did not move...they could have been asleep for all the response we saw.....and these men, like the first woman, seemed to be giving it all they had.

 

Quite a few couples engaged in intercourse of various kinds. The rooms were, for the most part, totally silent, not even sounds of heavy breathing. In one room we did actually hear one woman moaning with pleasure, in another a young man was yelling, but others...nothing. We also didn't see women responding....just laying totally silent and unmoving during intercourse.

 

I really love sex, and with my guy's attention it is impossible to lay still...my hips have a mind of their own, my arms are around him, holding him, clutching, fingers in his hair, making sounds of pleasure.... It would be obvious to anyone how much I am enjoying my guy. That's what we expected to see...but what we saw was almost a total lack of energy. We didn't see passion, excitement, `heh, I'm really glad to be with you', sounds of pleasure. They were here to have a good time but we didn't see anyone apparently having one.

 

We wondered if what we see on Swing is acting, or if this is how `real people' have sex....silently, bodies not responding? We'd read on this site, and heard from some people we spoke to in New Orleans that some men are just duds, and some women are `cold fishes'....but this many people behaving this way in one place? Statistically impossible. My guy has made a point about women pretending to enjoy when with a bad lover....says it makes the guy think he's doing a good job. And, that not responding is honesty and could spur the man on to learn how to satisfy a woman.

 

We also wondered if the passive women we saw just didn't like sex and were there simply for their husbands? A man I dated a few years ago was a SW in the 70s. He said many women were coerced by their men to be there and would have to get drunk to participate. A woman we met in New Orleans said she wanted to stop swinging, her husband did not, and she swung only to save her marriage. We went 2x to the Girls' room as that turns my guy on. Sadly it was empty each time. Only FF action was on the dance floor.

 

We were all set to become quite sexually excited by action in the playroom and to get a private room and go for it. However, to our total surprise, the atmosphere was so stultifying that we were totally bored. How can anyone be bored watching people have sex? That's what we asked ourselves as we caught the elevator. My guy wondered if Convention sex is different than behavior at clubs?

 

The guy I used to date said sometimes men would fall asleep on the mattress right after sex. We saw one man withdraw his penis and flat out fall sideways onto the mattress....actually bounced when he fell...not asleep, passed out, and he was out cold for quite some time. He was part of a 4some. My guy thought he needed medical attention and that 911 should be called, but as the other 3 just sat and talked while he was unconscious, we assumed this was just something he did!! Hmmm, may he did have an overpowering orgasm!! If so, good for him!!

 

Thanks for comments about what we saw. We are still simply confounded.

Based on my experiences at numerous different events and parties....you stepped into the twilight zone! lol. So strange!

We have been to a lot of clubs and have watched and participated at every one of them. What the OP saw was an aberration judging from our experiences however, the guy getting the blow job may have been emblematic of one of the things Mrs Doc called the porn effect. If you watch a lot of pornos, there are generally long and sloppy BJ's and multiple position changes. This carries over into the real world with the side effect that sometimes the goal of an encounter is endurance and stamina instead of pleasure and orgasm. Mrs Doc gives TERRIFIC head and she's also a playful and energetic boink and yet she has often complained that, in spite of her best efforts, the guys just can't seem to cum or just don't want to. We don't want to be part of a performance, although we don't care who watches, we want to give pleasure and receive pleasure. Nothing gives Mrs Doc more pleasure than achieving multiple orgasms and seeing to it that her partner cums too. And, to her, nothing in our hobby is more frustrating than being mindlessly pounded for a half an hour with no result (or climax) thanks to the porn effect.