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Why did they assume I was desperate?

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Hello everyone, this is J, having not posted for a while because usually most questions or scenarios posed are usually somewhere hidden within the archives of the forums I found that this might be something that is a rare occurrence.(?) Added the question mark because it is also a question in and of itself, Anyway, having used the site SLS to try and meet some people, we met a few couples, but most were just emails that trailed into the void never to be seen or heard from again. But of the ones we did meet the their assumption about me is very very VERY odd. This might be a long read.

 

We met a couple around our age who I thought were pretty cool, at least the male half was, he was into the same things I was into outside of the LS like video games, anime, comics and such. The female half from my first impression was that there wasn't going to be any chemistry between us at all, but we met in a neutral setting and were just chatting about random things and about how we both got into it and what not. I made no indication of my interest or disinterest because I was enjoying conversation. So we exchange numbers and kept in contact by text. It was odd to us that they wanted to keep texts private, male text male and female text female, but we went along and said sure if that makes them feel more comfortable. So we get home and the females chat on text and I don't care for texting so I don't really care to text or say anything except respond to the male halfs' "Hey what ya up too" texts. Nothing sexually related ever came up in our face to face or text conversations, but out of the blue the female half tells B that she should be careful with me because I came off as desperate. I am like dafuq?! Where did she even get that impression? B showed me the text and so I said well I guess we are wasting our time and text messages, so we stop texting them. I don't text them back about what she said because the communication with me and B is pretty clear cut that we assumed everyone in the LS would be the same way, and because of the fact that I don't need to cause problems in their relationship if they didn't agree on it. So a week goes by and then the male half texts me and asks when should we set up a play date, and so I replied to him with what his female half said and I am guessing he asked her but their claim was there was never any mention of me being desperate ever being said. It's like I saw the text! So we politely declined and he was courteous about it and apologized but I don't think he had any idea about the whole situation and especially about what she said. So that was that.

 

Now the second time this happened. We met another couple where the male half was new to the LS but the female had been in for a while. Again we met in neutral territory and I suppose I could have sounded like I was desperate at this meeting because I did talk about sex a lot. But please before passing any judgment let me explain that when it comes to talking about sex, I am not one to be shy or beat around the bush, I will blurt it out and can be pretty straightforward with it because sex is a natural thing, and also because I love watching B blush and get embarrassed because I think it's cute. That and most of my jokes are borderline raunchy practically 90% of the time. Anyway back to topic, we meet and chat and B is very interested in him. Me not so interested in the other female, so this conversation is going on and it felt to me like the male half couldn't really say everything he wanted to say so I told the ladies that I would like to talk to him privately. As I took him out privately to ask him what was he looking for, he explained he was very new to this and didn't know how to talk or break the ice. So I told him to be himself and not worry what others think. Before we could get in another question out walks the females. Okay so we part ways and keep in contact via Yahoo messenger. The females text each other and again the female half says I am desperate. and again I am like DAFUQ!? So same thing happened but this time I was chatting him on messenger and told him this isn't going to happen because the female half says I am desperate, so he asks his S.O. about it and she flat out denied she said anything along those lines. I couldn't face palm myself hard enough. So we ended up parting ways just like the other couple.

 

I replay both scenarios in my head and try to look at it from an objective perspective, from their perspective, an outside perspective. All angles. I am unable and can not for the life of me see where they got any inkling that I was desperate for them. I feel that this is making us become more cynical and narcissistic when it comes down to the LS. We don't want to be like that but I can see it. I personally think we are great people and those who meet us are missing out on an extraordinary couple but that's just me saying what everyone else would say. Is it because I wasn't oogling the other females? Is it because I wasn't throwing out compliments at the other females? Is it because I really didn't have much of an interest in the other females? I was raised to be respectful and courteous. I wasn't raised to go and just tell a female "hey you got hot tits, let me motorboat". I will lavish praise and oogling when appropriate but just seemed to me like they were fishing for compliments and got mad when they didn't receive it. Maybe I answered my own question to this dilemma. Guess I just wanted an outlet to vent my frustration to. And yes, me and B talk about this as well and she is also dumbfounded by their actions. Anyway sorry for the long read.

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Is it possible that the female half of each couple was feeling something from your aloofness towards her and instead of admitting to herself that perhaps you weren't really all that interested, she decided to reject you first - coincidentally, both of them using the 'desperate' line? Seems odd to me too...how frustrating!

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Thing is both scenarios were completely opposite of each other. The first sex was never brought up and the second sex was brought up. The only common theme with both was that I wasn't too interested in the female half. It might be what Angelkin said:

Is it possible that the female half of each couple was feeling something from your aloofness towards her and instead of admitting to herself that perhaps you weren't really all that interested, she decided to reject you first - coincidentally, both of them using the 'desperate' line? Seems odd to me too...how frustrating!

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But what both scenarios also had in common was you. And your sense of humor, directness etc. So maybe there hides a clue in that?

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It's really hard for us to say how they came to that conclusion without meeting you and seeing for ourselves what they were seeing. You seem like a pretty straight shooter. Who knows, it could just be a weird coincidence that both these women were using the "desperation" card as a way to say no thanks - people do weird shit like that. The fact that they both denied they said it is telling. I suspect they could feel that there was no connection there, and so they said that to back out and exit stage left.

 

On the other hand, maybe there is something in your social style that they simply interpret as desperation. High energy talker? Agree with everything? Always steer the conversation toward something sexual? Nervous/agitated body language? Like I said, it's really hard to say without seeing it first hand.

 

Maybe some ideas: ask more open-ended questions, and avoid talking about sex unless they bring it up (I know you said you didn't talk about sex with the one couple, and I think it's probably the way to go). Sit closer to your wife and pay attention to her. Let your body language tell them that you two are a unit and that they are unnecessary to the equation (they're just a nice cherry on top). Sit back in your chair, don't lean forward or sit on the edge of your seat. If you tend to talk fast and loud, lower the volume of your voice and speak more slowly. If all else fails, I suppose you could just come right out and address the problem outright with another couple. "Yeah, the last couple of times we've met with couples, apparently I came across as desperate. I really have NO idea where that came from, because we're definitely relaxed about the whole thing. So my apologies in advance if I come across as too eager or something; we're just happy to have an evening out with some like-minded people."

 

I don't know, I'm probably not the best person to take advice from in this area because I'm a bit of a social flop. I always seem to be talking too much or saying the wrong thing. :(

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Might try this....

 

Do some role playing with your wife. Have her get all dressed up and "meet her at a bar" and strike up a conversation. You could take it a bit further and both of you create a fictional character and then "date". You would be amazed what you find out about her and yourself if you really get into the full character. After a couple of dates, discuss the character of each other and see if something is amiss. If you are she are honest and really put forth an honest effort, if may pay off in a big way.

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My social style is pretty high energy and no bullshit. I'm not the most politically correct person out there and am persuasive enough to steer conversation from one topic to the next like fluid. As for bringing up anything sexual, I leave that to the other couple because I don't know where their comfort zone with conversation is. Like I said before that my personality is raunchy, I still leave the other couple to initiate sex talk before I do.

Might try this....

 

Do some role playing with your wife. Have her get all dressed up and "meet her at a bar" and strike up a conversation. You could take it a bit further and both of you create a fictional character and then "date". You would be amazed what you find out about her and yourself if you really get into the full character. After a couple of dates, discuss the character of each other and see if something is amiss. If you are she are honest and really put forth an honest effort, if may pay off in a big way.

 

I do thank you for putting the role playing idea up but it's not about us finding out who we are. We know who we are and what we want. We are more honest with each other and have better communication skills than all of the couples we have met so far. It just seems to me that the assumption is; said person doesn't know who they are so they should take a long walk while listening to "Dust in the wind" is what everyone jumps to. (Also I would like to add we don't drink, so the bar idea wouldn't have worked anyhow.) It was just odd that they used the same excuse. Like I said before, I probably answered my own question. I just maybe wanted to vent it out to see if it has happened to others. I mean, it could be that they used that excuse maybe because they were just tagging along for the ride and were never really interested in swinging in the first place? We have met couples like that. SO the question posed would be for the female half of couples because this seems like an oddity, why would you use the desperate excuse instead of saying, "nah not interested". That's what is curious about this for me.

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This whole thread sounds like you are desperate...:lol:

 

The good news (as already pointed out) is that you were not really interested in either females so what does it matter what they think? Maybe they took you being straight forward and talkative as you were trying too hard and mislabeled that as desperate (?). I kind of do the same thing when I'm nervous. Maybe take a step back and follow the conversation instead of leading it. Either way, neither of the two couples were for you and both seemed kind of...full of potential drama. With us, the men do any texting or emailing and it limits the possibilities of any misunderstanding.

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This whole thread sounds like you are desperate...:lol:

 

The good news (as already pointed out) is that you were not really interested in either females so what does it matter what they think? Maybe they took you being straight forward and talkative as you were trying too hard and mislabeled that as desperate (?)

 

LOL maybe I am desperate......for a logical reason. Ha but you're probably right when you say it might be me being mislabeled but then again there is the off chance that it could be something else. Although I just can't really sit back and not talk, because there comes that point in conversations that just have that painful awkward silence. So I usually keep it going even if we're talking about why leaves are green. I could leave the talking to the missus but then again I would be pulled into talking again because I am asked for input and then it would lead back to square one. Catch 22. Kinda sucks yea but I can be really social, and even B says I flirt when I talk but I don't see the flirting. It's just me being me and everyone assumes that I am so into them when I regale them with tales of heroism :lol: not really but you guys get what I mean right?

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Although I just can't really sit back and not talk, because there comes that point in conversations that just have that painful awkward silence. So I usually keep it going even if we're talking about why leaves are green. I could leave the talking to the missus but then again I would be pulled into talking again because I am asked for input and then it would lead back to square one. Catch 22. Kinda sucks yea but I can be really social, and even B says I flirt when I talk but I don't see the flirting. It's just me being me and everyone assumes that I am so into them when I regale them with tales of heroism :lol: not really but you guys get what I mean right?

 

This may be it. I have met people who can't stand a minute of quiet. They are like a train barreling down the tracks rather than a pleasant ride. Try letting those "awkward" pauses occur. Count slowly to 30 when you notice yourself yammering on or bringing up a filler topic, like, "how bout those X! or great weather?" See what happens. You may find the conversation flows better, the flirting is more genuine and you get to know people better when you share the conversational responsibility and don't just put it on yourself.

 

Someone who is constantly chattering can definitely present as desperate, even if the desperation is just avoidance of quiet.

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Like I already said, I kind of do the same thing as I can't stand those moments of silence. The trick is to turn it on them. Instead of just filling the silence with you talking, ask them a question that makes them talk. Not as easy as it sounds but it does work.

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