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sunbuckus

Outright lying

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We know of a couple and they know a couple that do the same...lie to playmates when playing separately. Let me explain, both couples play separately most of the time and seem to have an open marriage. They are into having boyfriends/girlfriends. However, the wife of couple A, goes out on dates with men, doesn't tell them that she's married, doesn't tell them that she's a swinger, and goes out as often as possible on dates. She explains that the sitter (the husband) is watching the kids and seems to spend as much time as possible with the boyfriend. Husband of couple B, seems to do the same with his girlfriend(s). Is this really that common? When I first found out that the wife of couple A was dishonest with her boyfriends, it was a personality/behavioral turn-off. I, personally, do not like to lie and it doesn't help that I am an awful liar. The one time that I had to lie about something major, I developed a facial tic that went away once I came clean. I also find that it is being disrespectful of the playmates' feelings. They don't know the whole story and could have other motives other than sex. Perhaps they will think that they have "found the one" and will be devastated when told the truth or get dumped. Mr. Sunbuckus and I have come to a hypothesis that they lie because they want to feel the complete sense of "dating" and being the possible center of attention to their boyfriend/girlfriend. What other reason could there be?

 

I was also just thinking about how this kind of behavior might put a bad reputation on swingers as a community.

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I'm a fan of honesty. If you tell the truth, you have a lot less to remember. Unfortunately, like in vanilla life, not everyone feels the same. And yes, they have the potential to give the rest of us a bad reputation. But here's the thing. Those that are fooled by thinking that probably don't need much convincing, anyway.

 

=)

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Sounds like a recipe for disaster...as you mentioned, perhaps the girl/boy friend is looking for more than a hook up and feelings could be in play with them not knowing their squeeze is a happily married swinger. We don't lie, it's just not who we are.

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We'd look just as poorly on this as we would someone who is cheating on their spouse to swing. For all the reasons already mentioned and more, lying to a "boyfriend/girlfriend" just isn't cool. Just because it is not your spouse doesn't make it ok. I wouldn't want to hazard a guess on what someone's motivations are to do that, it would be simply enough for me to know that they are doing it so I could steer as far away as possible from them.

 

I don't think it is all that common, and yes I do agree that would reinforce the worst stereotypes of swingers.

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I think it just gives 'people' a bad name, not necessarily swingers. I prefer upfront and honest.

 

I live in a very Christian area and I have met guys for drinks via sls, CL, OKc only to find out they are married. I've had these guys try and convince me that fucking me would help strengthen their marriage. OMG. It's the craziest town in central VA!!!

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Whew. I was wondering if maybe the swinger "dating" in the vanilla sector was normal for lying. Only one time did I attempt to play with a vanilla. I was honest about everything but he wasn't interested once he knew I was married. *shrugs* Perhaps that's why they don't tell the truth, so they can get more playmates/boyfriends/girlfriends?

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I'm surprised the woman lies because a married woman can still find horny guys.

Men on the other hand often complain the girls go running once they know the truth.

 

I think that sort of deception is just wrong period.

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I'm surprised the woman lies because a married woman can still find horny guys.

Men on the other hand often complain the girls go running once they know the truth.

 

I think that sort of deception is just wrong period.

 

I thought the same...I wonder why she feels the need to lie when there's plenty of men willing to play with married women. I think she enjoys receiving gifts from them, maybe she wouldn't get them if she were more honest.

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I thought the same...I wonder why she feels the need to lie when there's plenty of men willing to play with married women. I think she enjoys receiving gifts from them, maybe she wouldn't get them if she were more honest.

 

If that's true that's pretty awful.

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If that's true that's pretty awful.

 

*shrugs* I don't really know why. I can only speculate and I've done a lot of that because it's a head scratcher to me.

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Perhaps it's the fantasy to them; pretending to actually be single.

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Perhaps it's the fantasy to them; pretending to actually be single.

 

I've thought that, too, but at what cost? The spouse feels lonely at home because they are going out all the time. The boyfriend/girlfriend can develop feelings for someone who is married and they may not understand the swinger mindset. Not to mention the deception and betrayal they may feel. One time, the wife even told us that her boyfriend told her that he felt that she was using him for sex. At the time, we didn't know she wasn't telling him the truth so we kind of wondered why he would say that.

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Susan here-- In situations like this, the woman who is aroused by the sex is also aroused by the lying. We mistakenly think it's just part of a fantasy, but it's not. Their brain is giving them dopamine and adrenaline and it is one huge rush when they are being deceptive. That is until they get caught and that's an entirely different story. They rationalize it , etc. Yet, they lie because in the beginning of their sexual proclivity, they lied and it's a process that works for them and they enjoy it. They have no idea of the benefits that a genuine life can bring them. What is worse is that they are not interested in it because they do not get the 'rush' that lying gives them in sexual conquest.

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Susan here-- In situations like this, the woman who is aroused by the sex is also aroused by the lying. We mistakenly think it's just part of a fantasy, but it's not. Their brain is giving them dopamine and adrenaline and it is one huge rush when they are being deceptive. That is until they get caught and that's an entirely different story. They rationalize it , etc. Yet, they lie because in the beginning of their sexual proclivity, they lied and it's a process that works for them and they enjoy it. They have no idea of the benefits that a genuine life can bring them. What is worse is that they are not interested in it because they do not get the 'rush' that lying gives them in sexual conquest.

 

Susan, this is a very interesting viewpoint. Thank you for sharing it because it hadn't occurred to me that this might be the case. But would this still be considered selfish/thoughtless? After all, the feelings of those involved are not taken into consideration.

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Somewhat related: I have a dear friend that is the offspring of two sociopaths. Make no mistake, some of this behavior is genetic. At around 20 he realized that while some of the lies he was telling worked in the moment, to a degree, yet really were causing the drama and other problems in his life, despite providing some limited success as well. He also realized he was on the same path as his parents. He simply decided one day that he was going to live what he called a 'genuine' life. In any situation he decided he could either say the truth about himself or say nothing. Over time the stress of having certain lies in his life slowly disappeared. It took about ten years to completely reform, yet he got there. He is no longer trapped by lies or deceptions that yield a false view of who he is. He is truly comfortable in his own skin. Alas, he's 'vanilla' because sex with men who are truly comfortable with themselves is always just sooooo much fun. Anyway...

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