Online attraction?

So, Mr. Prufrock and I have been on SLS for a little while now, and we're having a problem. We've been in contact with a fair amount of very nice likeminded people, but once face pics are exchanged, both him and I aren't attracted. It's not like any of the people are hideous (except for one couple, who weren't very ugly, but their pictures were SO awkward. Like, they'd win the prize on Awkward Family Photos awkward.)

We've been talking about it, and every time we see other couple's face pics we're just like "yeah, they're nice, but they're not you." "You" being each other. There has only been one guy that I've been fairly attracted to, and likely because he reminds me of my husband. Mr. Prufrock wasn't really into his wife, though.

So what gives? Have we just not found the right couple? I never really thought I had high "standards", but apparently I do. Should I lower them? Should we ditch the online scene and go to a club where more varied people are? Is there just something wrong with us?

You all have unparalleled insight, so I thought I'd ask

. . . Should I lower them?

Visiting a club is a recommendable strategy. My wife and I have been disappointed one or twice but never left with regrets.

I agree! Don't lower your "standards". It'll limit the amount of couples you can play with but you won't encounter the regret that SW referred to. However, it is a lot easier to dismiss people through their profiles online than it is in person just because you can find a million reasons to say no from your chair when they are two-dimensional whereas in person, you have the full picture. Also, some people just don't photograph well. I have found that the majority of people look better in person than they do in their pictures. If we had to judge whether we'd play with a couple based on their profile pictures alone, we probably wouldn't have even gotten out the door. I definitely agree...go meet people in person and see if you find a lot more couples attractive.

Awkward photos... The wife and I were taking about this today. Why on Earth would you share weird photos? Personally I hate all photos of myself but I sure won't share photos that look like a drunken monkey took.

Don't do like us and meet a couple judging by good face pics either. When you meet the people in real they could be way hotter than the photos or the opposite, there is so much going on when you're face to face that could make like them or not.

Our only couple story and face pics:

We met a couple only once because it ended-up such a bad evening... We had few body shots of them and one face pic of the two of them together. On the face pic they looked really good looking and in love and joyful. The girl was so cute I started to fantasy about her and made a perfect image in my head. We wrote each others, we talked on the phone we were really looking forward to meet them. Finally they came to our place, we open the door and that same girl I was already crazy about was just another person. She was different than the face pic but most of all she smelled cigarettes so strong (like she was carrying a thick cloud around her) and her skin was grey and dry I was already turned off during the first minute. We talked a bit and realize we were both couple so different. I had bought some really good expensive champagne by the way and they told us they do not like wine with bubbles but they would like a beer. It's a detail but was just piling up on things that annoyed me. Still we tried our best to have a good evening. Before to meet them we talked so much about having sex with another couple and we did fantasy about them a lot!

We started to get physical and the worst part was when were the two of them were having sex. They had some kind of mute sex and you could only hear their body slapping one another. Like two robots and the girl didn't made even a slight sound or looked she was enjoying at all. It was one of the less erotic stuff I've seen and it made her to my eyes even less sexy than she was already. And how can I give pleasure to a girl that even the boyfriend can't? I feel they were a couple only to be able to meet other couples for sex? They actually broke up a year later so I'm not even sure they loved each others.

The guy was really turned on by my wife and he and her were fucking and seemed to have a good time while his girlfriend was trying in vain to make me hard. After an hour trying to have sex to a girl that had no attraction to I personally had to some point say that I just can't and we stopped. I felt bad because I stopped the evening, couldn't get hard and was almost disgusted by that girl I was so turned on by the photos.

We had quite a lot of threesomes with single girls and guys, always went great and extremely erotic and I was always rock hard for hours. I'm still in recovery mode about meeting couple but hope one day to have a good experience.

Morality: photos shall be just a vague idea of what they look like but no more. Stuff like I didn't think about like smell for example could be a turn on or off when you meet. The skin, the attitude, so much things that a photo can't tell.

All good advice above. I'll just reinforce it by saying that lowering your sights or trying to force something when one or both of you have doubts won't work, it will end up being an unsatisfying experience. Having said that, don't judge people just by their profiles. We are very picky on profiles, maybe too much so since I'm sure we have missed some great couples, but we also have had a high success rate of those we did end up meeting, we liked. That doesn't mean we ended up playing with every single one of those, but we have never had a truly awkward meet and I think it's because we try upfront to aim for a few that we are confident are a good match versus meeting more that we aren't so sure about and then deciding. Part of that is we don't have a lot of time to meet, so we want to maximize it, and too, swinging is definitely an occasional hobby type of thing for us, so that works against frequent meets too. Everyone's style is different though, so what approach works best for one isn't necessarily what works best for another.

The club is a great idea. I always recommend clubs as a way to start to get comfortable with swinging. In terms of finding playmates at clubs, it's kind of back to a style thing again. We have played at clubs, but as someone else mentioned, there is a lot more that goes into chemistry and attraction than just looks. If you are the type that want to know someone at least a little bit before playing with them, and the better you hit it off on that level the more likely there will be attraction, then that's usually a bit harder to do at a club. It's not a lot different, but it does mean you are going to focus your time at the club on one or just a few couples, and it may or may not work out in the end. If more casual hookups work well for you, then clubs are great because there are a whole bunch of people right there in front of you and you can really meet a lot of people quickly.

In short, we have dinner with a lot of couples, make it clear that we usually don't play on the first date, and suspend our decisions about how attractive we find them until after we've spent a little time together with them. I think that amounts to more of a broadening of our horizons, rather than lowering our standards. We have met (and played with) many fun, hot, sexy couples this way, and when we didn't click, at least we got something to eat!

We only use photos to root out people that we don't feel any chance of connecting with. Otherwise, you can learn more in 5 minutes in person than in hours of emails and 100's of photos. The current couple that we have been seeing (going on three years now) were only okay in their pictures, but SMOKING HOT in person. Photos cannot capture personalities and/or sexuality. Within 5 minutes of meeting them we knew we had met someone very good.

Try it...actually meet some of the couples and you'll quickly find that pictures alone should not be used to determine actual interest.

Awkward photos... The wife and I were taking about this today. Why on Earth would you share weird photos? Personally I hate all photos of myself but I sure won't share photos that look like a drunken monkey took.

And ohhh, they were SO awkward. It looked as if they had a semi-professional photographer take them (standard background, him sitting stiffly in a chair, her standing, her leg up on his knee, lots of depth of field type shots, but their faces were devoid of anything. No smiles, no passion, they just stared into space stiffly, like mannequins. So weird). I try not to judge people solely on their profile pics, since as you all said here, there's so much more to a person. Honestly, I couldn't laugh at these, I just felt really, really bad.

Similar to the original topic but not different enough to start a new one, what about attraction based on perceived attitudes on how they message?

For instance, we were watching tv and the Mrs had been messaging a few new people. One sent the aforementioned face pics and they were ok-ish. The guy less so than the gal but I was like whatever you think. She didn't immediately respond since we were watching something and she was milling over her thoughts. After 5 minutes I guess the guy got butt hurt and said something like "I guess we're not your type whatever". I thought that was a little much and they weren't proof reading any of the typos. I doubt there was one correctly spelled word. I told her to say something back just so they wouldn't put throw any negative energy our way, but it took me from maybe to screw them!

Similar to the original topic but not different enough to start a new one, what about attraction based on perceived attitudes on how they message?

I do admit that I give some weight to the quality of a couple's written communication. This is because we think that the ability to express one's self in writing is an (admittedly imperfect) indicator of intelligence and compatibility, as well as suggesting how interesting it's going to be to have a conversation! If a couple sounds interesting, funny, secure, open, and friendly in writing, we have often found them to be the same way in person. Conversely, if a profile or messages are rambling, unclear, display a lot of negativity, or are full of elementary-level writing mistakes, we take some points off in our cold and heartless mental score-sheet.

BTW, TallAmaCouple, the scenario you described in messaging would raise a flag with me, too. That hair-trigger response sounds a little immature to me!

I've found that those I've passed over online were sometimes delightful in person. I can't really gauge wit and intelligence just through a profile. Never settle, but keep an open mind. When going to a club, peruse the guest list and see if there's someone you might like to seek out. House parties, even more so since the selections are fewer.

Similar to the original topic but not different enough to start a new one, what about attraction based on perceived attitudes on how they message?

 

For instance, we were watching tv and the Mrs had been messaging a few new people. One sent the aforementioned face pics and they were ok-ish. The guy less so than the gal but I was like whatever you think. She didn't immediately respond since we were watching something and she was milling over her thoughts. After 5 minutes I guess the guy got butt hurt and said something like "I guess we're not your type whatever". I thought that was a little much and they weren't proof reading any of the typos. I doubt there was one correctly spelled word. I told her to say something back just so they wouldn't put throw any negative energy our way, but it took me from maybe to screw them!

As mentioned before, it's so much easier to say no to profiles because of this or that whereas when you meet a couple/person at a party/club/event then it's easier to say yes. Age, photo pictures, writing skills go by the wayside because sometimes those aren't even mentioned or seen...but, I will admit that we have been turned off by others lack of writing skills.

And for the couple you mentioned, part of me sympathizes with you two and part of me sympathizes for the other couple as well. It can be tough on the self-esteem when we put ourselves out there, especially when we find a person/couple attractive and we're waiting on bated breath to see if they reciprocate those feelings. I guess when one is chatting in person or on the computer, there is a sense of urgency or "time limit" in responding whereas emailing there is less of that urgency to respond and expect a response back. However, in your case, the "whatever" at the end of the sentence was probably a defense/protective mechanism for themselves and that's just how it manifested.

Now I think we'll try to meet in person. If we click physically, yay! If not, maybe we'll just have some new friends.

100% the right attitude. Now just hurry up and do it! Then let us know how it went.

Guys, guys, GUYS! A man messaged us on SZC and I actually think he's hot! WOO!

Well, go GET HIM!

People are like art. Your perceptions are subjective. It sounds like you just haven't seen something you like yet. How much of a hurry are you in?

You might feel the same way in a club.