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DestinyBandJ

Are most swingers only in it for their own pleasure?

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Hellos everyone,

 

This is J, anyway onward>>>

 

So we had a recent encounter with I would say a couple that we have known from previous "hook up" sites and in person. We have never played ever with each other but this was the first time we had played. Anyway we thought all was going well but it turns out it didn't. It wasn't necessarily the play that put us off but their stance and from what they tell us is the streamlined thought about swinging. They tell us that this is the standard view at clubs and parties. I won't elaborate on the play part because that is irrelevant at this point but it was the view that kind of took us by surprise.

 

 

We had always thought that swinging was an extension of our own sex.Our thoughts or should I say our view on swinging is generally please and be pleased, whereas everyone has a shared common goal to please the current partner you're partnered with whether its your significant other or your swapped partner (we are full swap). Anyway after it has happened they had told us that we are in it with the wrong viewpoint. They say swinging isn't about pleasing the current partner you're partnered with but rather you should be in it for yourself, not the other party.

 

I suppose, yes, part of it is to please yourself but at the same time everyone should be satisfied with the end result which is an experience you could take home and bring yourselves closer together through the sexual energies that you share with your significant other and through the sexual energies you had just experienced with another party. I suppose what I am looking for is insight. I know not everyone thinks in the same way but I would like to know if we are flawed in our view. We understand that your significant other should be the one to "please" you, but we are talking about raw sexual emotion that everyone has, not intimacy (which should be shared only with your other half).

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To each their own...

 

However, I assume that those who are equally invested in their partner(s) sexual experience as they are their own are going to have more satisfying experiences than those who are wholly in it for themselves. Great sex is a mutual endeavor.

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My opinion is swinging should be whatever you want it to be. "Mainstream Swinging". Kind of an oxymoron, eh? :)

 

That being said, if you aren't supposed to focus on pleasing your play partner, then I've been trying to do it wrong for a loooong time. ;)

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My foremost goal is to try to please my partner. Not only because it pleases them, but me too. As the cliche goes, there's no "I" in team, and I have found that sex as a sport where everyone is pulling together as a team is so much more enjoyable and rewarding than when it's looked at as a solo sport.

 

Everyone has their own style, but I think what they expressed is probably the minority view.

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My foremost goal is to try to please my partner. Not only because it pleases them, but me too. As the cliche goes, there's no "I" in team, and I have found that sex as a sport where everyone is pulling together as a team is so much more enjoyable and rewarding than when it's looked at as a solo sport.

 

Everyone has their own style, but I think what they expressed is probably the minority view.

 

The issue that we have with this situation is that they say this IS the majority view. We don't want to believe that this is true but that they are more experienced in the swinging life style than we are whereas they go to all the clubs and scenes and such. They specifically stated that this is how it is. Might this be a regional viewpoint?

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you should be in it for yourself, not the other party.

 

Well that attitude would get them on my call us when hell freezes over list. Seriously we have met a lot of swingers privately, drinks, dinners and club goers and I have NEVER heard anyone express an attitude like that.

 

It almost strikes me as being sociopathic or narcistic.

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No, I don't think so. If it is anything other than a case of just assuming everyone sees things the same as you do, always a big mistake, then it would be a birds of a feather flock together thing. That's likely the outlook of the group they run with, so it becomes an echo chamber, and pretty soon you come to believe that all are like that. Once we picked up on that attitude, we would probably pass on any play just because it isn't what we are looking for, and they would probably feel the same way about us. That's fine, no problem there, but since people just naturally kind of group together based on similarities, it sometimes is hard to recognize the differences when looking at the whole forest and not just your little grove of trees.

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My foremost goal is to try to please my partner. Not only because it pleases them, but me too. As the cliche goes, there's no "I" in team, and I have found that sex as a sport where everyone is pulling together as a team is so much more enjoyable and rewarding than when it's looked at as a solo sport.

 

Everyone has their own style, but I think what they expressed is probably the minority view.

 

I agree with what cplnuswing...when we go out, we focus on our play partners and their pleasure but I would also be remiss if I didn't also say that sometimes we look out for what also pleasures us...for example, I don't particularly care to have anal sex so even if it may bring pleasure to my play partner, I decline if asked.

 

Also, I wanted to respond to the "I" in "TEAM"...it's there. ;)

 

There-is-an-I-in-TEAM.png

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The issue that we have with this situation is that they say this IS the majority view. We don't want to believe that this is true but that they are more experienced in the swinging life style than we are whereas they go to all the clubs and scenes and such. They specifically stated that this is how it is. Might this be a regional viewpoint?

 

It might be, but I tend to doubt it. I think it's more a matter of like attracting like. They are selfish, so they hang out with other selfish people who make them feel that their selfishness is acceptable and allow them to marginalize others who try to call them on their bad behavior. They hang out with that group long enough, they convince themselves that they are "right" and anyone who disagrees with them is "wrong."

 

However, my experience of the swinging lifestyle is quite different. I have found some people to be selfish and others to be giving, some to be open minded and others to be bigots, some to be kind and others to be cruel. In short, swingers are human beings with all the virtues and faults of humanity.

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The issue that we have with this situation is that they say this IS the majority view. We don't want to believe that this is true but that they are more experienced in the swinging life style than we are whereas they go to all the clubs and scenes and such. They specifically stated that this is how it is. Might this be a regional viewpoint?

 

Just because they are seasoned and go to clubs etc. does not mean they are right. Perhaps they have managed to maintain this lifestyle for a long time, but I wonder how successfully. I have never seen a person in this lifestyle who was of that opinion and didn't crash and burn. I know of several couples where one or the other partner has attitude problems or is simply obnoxious. I have watched them throughout evenings and nights and have never witnessed anyone willing to pair with them because of it. Swinging is about sharing, opening yourself and exploring in order to heighten relationships and experiences. Sure, there may be nights when a person wants an "all about me" experience, but you would leave a lot to be desired if that was your mantra. I find it more likely that they are trying to convince you of their opinion because they know you are newbies and everyone else they have informed no longer swings with them.

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I focus on my partner and make sure she has an enjoyable time. That being said, my wife and I are here for our enjoyment not the other way round. Not at the expense of others, but there is some selfishness in being selective on who we play with. So it's not ALL about us, but we are not going to put ourselves into a situation where we won't have the best of time.

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Thanks all for your input. From what I gather here, its just their personal opinion or the opinion of their social group. Still shocking nonetheless. I mean every decision made by the collective is, in and of itself selfish, and that's understandable. There is an update to this but I don't want to hijack this thread with that nonsense. But Thanks everyone for reassuring us that it's not a streamlined viewpoint amongst those in the lifestyle.

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When I'm with a woman it's all about having her enjoy herself, and that's what I enjoy, so I'm doing it for my own enjoyment.

 

The bigger question is, does it make any difference? If you have great sex with someone, does it matter what you/they were thinking if everyone went home happy at the end of the night?

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I try to talk to people and see what there likes and dislikes are...I am drawn to people that like similar things that I do or have the same boundaries etc...that way we kind of know everything that is on the table and we can pick and choose those things as play time progresses. I want somebody that is concerned for my wants and desires as I am of theirs....sex is NOT one sided...if it was it would be called Masturbation LOL

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If one partner enjoys giving oral sex and the other partner enjoys receiving oral sex, then they both can be in it to please themselves but yet at the same time, they also please each other. So isn't it more of a compatibility issue, as in finding someone who enjoys whatever pleases you?

 

I think great sex happens when both partners are having fun and doing the things they each enjoy, at least in my experiences. To achieve that, there has to be some level of selfishness, like not playing with someone after meeting them if the compatibility is not there or saying no to a sexual activity that you don't like. But during play, I do get more pleasure knowing my partner is also having a good time, and most of the time that involves some give and take. To say that the attitude is to please oneself only is rather extreme, not mainstream, and I don't think that attitude works well in sex generally, not just swinging.

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If you don't try to make ANY experience a good experience for your partner(s) as well, you may soon find out that you are all by your self.

 

There are two types of people in life: Those that give and those that take. Givers have more fun and more friends (IMHO). Takers all too often are never satisfied no matter how much of anything they take.

 

There is no I in team...but there IS an M and an E :lol:

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I think it is important that everyone is pleased. That being said I have given oral to completion. That does give me pleasure but it isn't the total pleasure I would also want. If I didn't enjoy it, I wouldn't do it. I would hope if I did that to a guy he would reciprocate. Most men I have known have taken care of my pleasure and I have only met a very few men that didn't cum. That wasn't from me not trying. Michael has told me, and I know from fact, that he will always try to please a woman first. I know he feels bad if he didn't. I read one of you wrote about anal sex being more for the man. I can say I am not going to have an orgasm from anal but there is a pleasure from it, maybe not for everyone.

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I believe in the old saying it is much better to give then recieve.Sure I

want pleasure to but its important to me to please the one I'am with

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OP, if what you are doing is working for you, I would keep doing it. Everyone is going to have their own opinion from their experiences. Pleasure is a two way street. If you are sharing it with another couple, they should also walk away with a smile on their face.

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There is an update to this but I don't want to hijack this thread with that nonsense.

 

I don't know about everyone else but I'd be more than happy to hear an update about it. I can't see how it wouldn't be relevant to your original question.

 

To expand my first response a bit I LOVE it when a woman is moaning and enjoying herself. Maybe that's the compersion element coming out but without it bleah. I'd probably quit sex :party: Ok not really. But I do have to say I/we'd walk away from anyone expressing a selfish attitude like that.

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Gordo makes a great point...we love hearing updates on situations here. However, if you feel more comfortable posting your update in a new thread, please do and you can link this thread to it so others can see where the update is coming from.

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I'm sorry to say but it has got to be the primary view in this part of the country. Had a single female state the same thing, then go all batshit crazy when I declined to meet with her because our views didn't match. Maybe my view is skewed? I really don't believe so. Where are the ones that think close to the same way we do?!

 

Anyway end tangent, but most people around here are pretty selfish so I suppose this is commonplace within this region. As for an update to the previous experience, I'll post that later when I figure out where to post it.

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So how old are these people you're talking about? I'm wondering if this is a "me" generation issue? 20-30ish

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Okay before I read the update I'm going to get this out even though it might be irrelevant with said update lol...

 

 

I'd like more info from this couple concerning what exactly is meant by their statement.

 

Here are my thoughts-

1. In a way, in every sexual experience we are in it to please ourselves. I mean, I'm not going to.do something out of my comfort zone or that I'm not into just because I want to sleep with one particular person.

 

I love making my partner feel good. But is that my -primary- motivation for sex? I don't know honestly because I never really sat back and thought about it. But I think the primary motivation is more of mutual pleasure.

 

2. I'm not sure the statement is necessarily meant to be selfish. I think it could just be that is a poorly expressed version of this line of thinking.... I think we can all agree that our relationship comes first. I want to make sure that myself and my partner are comfortable and happy in our swinging experience. I also want to make sure that my play partner is comfortable and happy. But if that is in contrast to what makes me or my husband comfortable and happy then things are not going to go great. So yes, my pleasure > your pleasure. Sorry, not sorry.

 

 

The reason I'm thinking along these lines is because you express that the sex was enjoyable. You didn't want to elaborate on that but please do. Did they seem selfish in bed?? Did you or your wife/husband (sorry I dunno of op is male or female) express and likes/dislikes before the sex that were or were not fulfilled?

 

If the sex was good, I am just uncomfortable with all the "omg these are selfish assholes" just because they may or may not have said something stupid. Op had a whole conversation with them (presumably) and we didn't. Yet we are labeling them selfish without even asking for any elaboration.

 

Sorry, I'm not exactly sure why that is getting under my skin so much... but it just is. Or maybe I'm just a selfish douche in bed and don't know it.

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So how old are these people you're talking about? I'm wondering if this is a "me" generation issue? 20-30ish

 

I want to say they are in their late 30's maybe. Didn't seem polite to ask age, but they were older than we.

 

If the sex was good, I am just uncomfortable with all the "omg these are selfish assholes" just because they may or may not have said something stupid. Op had a whole conversation with them (presumably) and we didn't. Yet we are labeling them selfish without even asking for any elaboration.

 

I can see where you are coming from and while I don't want to call them selfish assholes, the way they acted after, is what the issue was. The sex was good for the most part, at least for J ( op the male half). I didn't get to finish, and B enjoyed watching me enjoy myself. But the thing was when B's play partner was done, my play partner was automatically done too.

 

And maybe it was just me but there were a lot of issues that came up after play that got me to ask this question. I wasn't out to make them seem selfish (but I probably worded it like they were), but I am here to find out if this type of perception on play is prevalent. We thought everything was great even though we didn't get "off", we enjoyed ourselves. Then they call us after saying that it wasn't all that great (even though both of them got off) and how I was asking "how she wanted it" was something that we weren't supposed to do and it turned her off. I mean I do this with B because being in one position too long can become uncomfortable so I was trying to make her be as comfortable as possible. If that was the issue I suppose my bad but on the other hand maybe she could have taken the initiative and got in a position that she liked. It could be we were both at fault here, but my reasoning for asking wasn't to place blame. It was to gain the insight. There were also rules that were broken that I had not known about that the other half did with B until after the fact, which she told me.

 

But I do suppose that this thread (and partly my fault too) probably did vilify them, but that wasn't my intention.

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I can see where you are coming from and while I don't want to call them selfish assholes, the way they acted after, is what the issue was. The sex was good for the most part, at least for J ( op the male half). I didn't get to finish, and B enjoyed watching me enjoy myself. But the thing was when B's play partner was done, my play partner was automatically done too.

 

And maybe it was just me but there were a lot of issues that came up after play that got me to ask this question. I wasn't out to make them seem selfish (but I probably worded it like they were), but I am here to find out if this type of perception on play is prevalent. We thought everything was great even though we didn't get "off", we enjoyed ourselves. Then they call us after saying that it wasn't all that great (even though both of them got off) and how I was asking "how she wanted it" was something that we weren't supposed to do and it turned her off. I mean I do this with B because being in one position too long can become uncomfortable so I was trying to make her be as comfortable as possible. If that was the issue I suppose my bad but on the other hand maybe she could have taken the initiative and got in a position that she liked. It could be we were both at fault here, but my reasoning for asking wasn't to place blame. It was to gain the insight. There were also rules that were broken that I had not known about that the other half did with B until after the fact, which she told me.

 

But I do suppose that this thread (and partly my fault too) probably did vilify them, but that wasn't my intention.

 

Sorry if I came off a bit harsh. It wasn't my intention. But yes, not so much the original post but some of the comments that followed did place a lot of blame and make them out to be selfish... when honestly, I knew there had to be more to the story. Your explanation here makes things a lot more clear. I'm still not sure I see it the same way you do though. (Again, please realize that this is either because I wasn't the one actually in the situation so I don't know all the facts, participate in the conversation, or get to hear tone/attitude, things like that... or I could just be being really dense :D ) From what you have written here I kind of get the impression that she just likes things a bit more take charge. I can completely relate to this. I would certainly discuss with a play partner likes/dislikes and answer any specific questions asked. But I do much rather just being ravished.

 

So to just make my point much simpler- it could actually be that they -are- selfish assholes. There's nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade. But it could also be that they just didn't articulate themselves very well.

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Sorry if I came off a bit harsh. It wasn't my intention. But yes, not so much the original post but some of the comments that followed did place a lot of blame and make them out to be selfish... when honestly, I knew there had to be more to the story. Your explanation here makes things a lot more clear. I'm still not sure I see it the same way you do though. (Again, please realize that this is either because I wasn't the one actually in the situation so I don't know all the facts, participate in the conversation, or get to hear tone/attitude, things like that... or I could just be being really dense :D ) From what you have written here I kind of get the impression that she just likes things a bit more take charge. I can completely relate to this. I would certainly discuss with a play partner likes/dislikes and answer any specific questions asked. But I do much rather just being ravished.

 

So to just make my point much simpler- it could actually be that they -are- selfish assholes. There's nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade. But it could also be that they just didn't articulate themselves very well.

 

You did not come off as harsh at all and I actually prefer that you came off as a little harsh. I mean maybe I'm an idiot for not ravishing a lady like I should have. But I think I did a good job since B told me she was jealous. I was actually pretty anxious and nervous so it "improved" my performance? I don't even think those words should be used in the same sentence. Anyway I very much do appreciate how you came at this and were impartial about it. But I see this as a lesson, live and learn. Don't ask questions and just plow straight ahead....literally right? :lol:

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Don't ask questions and just plow straight ahead....literally right? :lol:

 

Actually, if you were asking questions to make sure everything was okay with your swing partner, then I think you were doing it right. When we had our first swing experience, the other couple was very respectful and thoughtful by asking permission at every step to make sure we were comfortable. I find that incredibly comforting. However, I can also see their point of view if they really are experienced or maybe it just comes down to a person's personality. Some do appreciate the care and concern while others desire a more aggressive approach which doesn't include questions that might "break the mood".

 

With some of the things you have said in your last two posts in this thread, it makes me curious to know more about what really happened during and after the experience. I know that even if you were divulge more details, it is still a one-sided account of what happened but it's always a good idea to take an experience as a learning one...especially if there issues arose from it.

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Don't ask questions and just plow straight ahead....literally right? :lol:

 

Heavens no! I don't think that would be a good idea. Lol. I think that on the off chance that I was correct about the other couple's intentions, they are in the minority. And how are you supposed to know that's what they like if they don't say something?

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With some of the things you have said in your last two posts in this thread, it makes me curious to know more about what really happened during and after the experience. I know that even if you were divulge more details, it is still a one-sided account of what happened but it's always a good idea to take an experience as a learning one...especially if there issues arose from it.

 

Yes it is still a one sided account of what happened. B's play partner played slick and took off his condom while she was watching me go at it. She did not realize it until a bit later. She told me this and I asked her why didn't she tell me, she said she didn't want to ruin the experience for me. I told her that we laid out the rules before any initial play happened, and she should have said something. My condom stayed on, his should have too. B's play partner broke that rule we established. Then he called while we were on our way home and ask B if she could play solo. We told him, when we play with couples, we play together. We actually told them this from the get go. So this whole thing felt kind of odd. Curiously enough, The female half from the other party was not aware that he had asked B to play solo, or was she aware of the fact that her SO took off his condom, so that was kind of disturbing to us. It was shocking because the female half called us a few days later and was very hostel towards us, about how you're not supposed to ask questions and speak up about when someone breaks a rule, and how we will learn the hard way if we try this at clubs or what not. I thought club play and personal play was categorized differently. But then again we have no experience at the club and this is our personal thought on it.

 

I suppose that their problem with me was that I asked her too many questions about how she would like it. I don't believe I did anything wrong. But maybe I did.

And now after they say that I ruined their experience with my questions, they called not that long ago asking if we would like to play again. Dafuq!?

 

I am not sure if they have great communication with each other or not, but the female half called us and said she was sorry about the whole fiasco and would like to play again and she was just PMSing (her words not mine). We obviously don't believe that to be a good idea. Still, this was a learning experience, not the best feeling in the world when someone tells you you ruined something for them. But yes, no matter how this comes out, this is still a one sided account and it is not my intention to vilify them. This was why I didn't want to divulge much about it. There are always two sides to everything, and with that said, I don't want others to see them as selfish but rather their point of view on the matter. It could be a "me" generation idea. Or it could be just a regional thing. Or it could be they are in the minority, because oddly enough they stated they don't go to the clubs anymore.

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Thank you for sharing that with us. Let me see if I can point out all of the red flags (at least in my eyes):

 

B's play partner played slick and took off his condom while she was watching me go at it.

 

Then he called while we were on our way home and ask B if she could play solo.

 

...the female half called us a few days later and was very hostel towards us, about how you're not supposed to ask questions and speak up about when someone breaks a rule, and how we will learn the hard way if we try this at clubs or what not.

 

I would highly advise to stay away from this couple. It clearly sounds from your account that they aren't honest, that there are some communication issues, and that they might be prone to drama.

 

The female half from the other party was not aware that he had asked B to play solo, or was she aware of the fact that her SO took off his condom

 

I was curious...how do you know that the female half didn't know?

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Yes it is still a one sided account of what happened. B's play partner played slick and took off his condom while she was watching me go at it. She did not realize it until a bit later. She told me this and I asked her why didn't she tell me, she said she didn't want to ruin the experience for me. I told her that we laid out the rules before any initial play happened, and she should have said something. My condom stayed on, his should have too. B's play partner broke that rule we established. Then he called while we were on our way home and ask B if she could play solo. We told him, when we play with couples, we play together. We actually told them this from the get go. So this whole thing felt kind of odd. Curiously enough, The female half from the other party was not aware that he had asked B to play solo, or was she aware of the fact that her SO took off his condom, so that was kind of disturbing to us. It was shocking because the female half called us a few days later and was very hostel towards us, about how you're not supposed to ask questions and speak up about when someone breaks a rule, and how we will learn the hard way if we try this at clubs or what not. I thought club play and personal play was categorized differently. But then again we have no experience at the club and this is our personal thought on it.

 

I suppose that their problem with me was that I asked her too many questions about how she would like it. I don't believe I did anything wrong. But maybe I did.

And now after they say that I ruined their experience with my questions, they called not that long ago asking if we would like to play again. Dafuq!?

 

I am not sure if they have great communication with each other or not, but the female half called us and said she was sorry about the whole fiasco and would like to play again and she was just PMSing (her words not mine). We obviously don't believe that to be a good idea. Still, this was a learning experience, not the best feeling in the world when someone tells you you ruined something for them. But yes, no matter how this comes out, this is still a one sided account and it is not my intention to vilify them. This was why I didn't want to divulge much about it. There are always two sides to everything, and with that said, I don't want others to see them as selfish but rather their point of view on the matter. It could be a "me" generation idea. Or it could be just a regional thing. Or it could be they are in the minority, because oddly enough they stated they don't go to the clubs anymore.

 

When the situation is that someone took off a condom without the knowledge of their partner, that's when it stops being a case of whether or not you are trying to vilify them. That dude is a fucking asshat. And like Sun said, yall should stay far, far away from them!!!!

 

And this kind of proves my point that it is all about perspective. Since you have explained more of the situation, I don't think that you were wrong in the first impression given. These people seems like they are a little kooky. I would never tell you what to do but............ don't play with them again lmao!

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I was curious...how do you know that the female half didn't know?

 

We had told her that's what he did and she said she had no idea about it.

 

When the situation is that someone took off a condom without the knowledge of their partner, that's when it stops being a case of whether or not you are trying to vilify them. That dude is a fucking asshat. And like Sun said, yall should stay far, far away from them!!!!

 

And this kind of proves my point that it is all about perspective. Since you have explained more of the situation, I don't think that you were wrong in the first impression given. These people seems like they are a little kooky. I would never tell you what to do but............ don't play with them again lmao!

 

Well we have no intention with playing with them again, cause that will be a complete :trainwreck:

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Considering that she didn't know about her husband slipping off the condom and asking to play solo with your wife combined with her hostile attitude afterwards, there is definitely something going on behind the scenes with that couple. Add that to their opinion on why they swing and there could possibly be a train wreck in the works for their relationship. If we were in your shoes, we probably wouldn't put much stock in their opinion that

 

They say swinging isn't about pleasing the current partner you're partnered with but rather you should be in it for yourself, not the other party.

 

and

 

...about how you're not supposed to ask questions and speak up about when someone breaks a rule, and how we will learn the hard way if we try this at clubs or what not.

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