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  1. Back To Top | #1

    Default If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    Hi Everyone-

    My wife and I have been together now for over 9 years, and we've had issues over our 9 years together, always managing to resolve them, no matter what they were. Where the sticky issue is - prior to getting married with her, I had 'experienced' MFM, FMF - which I completely and utterly enjoyed - no issues. My girlfriend at the time enjoyed the moment, and we never felt threatened or felt that we would leave each other- etc. It was purely a question of having fun and playing together, and it worked.

    Now- move forward several years. Got married, had kids, and the wife and I seemed to be moving in opposite directions sexually- different interests, and at times no interest-lack of desire. So, after discussing all sorts of alternatives, and me being opened to trying anything with her - you name it, I've tried it...one day, she asks me about my experiences with my ex-girlf. Swinging or anything related to this was taboo up to this point.
    From her point of view, either she does something with me in the short-term or she doesn't see me in the picture...gets the feeling I'll move on, etc. Yes, it has crossed my mind.

    Several months have pasted since that day, and we've managed to head out to a local swingers club, but as a couple, we have not crossed over that line. I actually backed away from it (*shacking my head*) - here's why: as we discussed things that we'd like to do, and just talked about 'rules' - she began to change - she became more aggressive about sex, about anything related to sex. She demanded to be fucked a certain way, and didn't see why she should let me swing with another woman. She also didn't want to swing in the same room. I'm sitting here today wondering, how did we get so hard core!? And what's fair about this or fun??

    I'm always going to compare my current situation to the one I had years ago - and this situation is not fun. In fact, if we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long, we won't care about each other for very long - am I misreading this situation?? - comments, questions...I need someone to talk to about this, any help would be appreciated.

    thanks
    Marius

  2. Back To Top | #2

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    Wow, not sure where to start.

    I'm a little confused about your wife's behavior. She views swinging as a way to keep you, but what about just opening up sexually together without the swinging. It seems like a last ditch effort. Of course it's difficult not knowing your situation beyond what you described. Advice I've seen over and over is that swinging will not fix basic problems in your relationship.

    My opinion is that, regardless of the strength of the relationship, uneven rules are not the way to go.

    Another thought is perhaps she is just so stressed out about the swinging situation she's just acting out to make it more difficult?

    if I were in your situation I would not consider swinging. I realize it's something you had in the past but it's not something your current relationship can handle. You need to decide what is the price of keeping your marriage intact. If you two are on completely different planes when it comes to sex, then that needs to be dealt with. Numerous outcomes, you work it out and things get better; you try to work it out and it just does not get better..perhaps you stay together, perhaps not; or you continue as is and you may not be together as well.

  3. Back To Top | #3

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    Swinging - no. Marriage counseling - yes. Good luck.
    Find us on SLS, Kasidie, Love Vodoo & Super Secret Swinger. We're also SwingerCast Podcast Fans!

  4. Back To Top | #4

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    Thanks for sharing with us, Acmarius! You've come to the right place. The folks on this board are experienced and really want to help. You'll be getting lots of suggestions.

    For my part, I'm going to zero in on this sentence you wrote: "Swinging or anything related to this was taboo up to this point."

    I'd suggest that y'all come to an agreement that you can talk about any subject without fear of reprisal. Once you are not afraid to talk about anything, you will develop the sort of communication y'all would need to consider swinging.

    Please bring your wife to this discussion. Y'all need to learn about swinging before trying it. It would be better if you learn it together. We'll look forward to meeting her!

    Alura
    "They may call me a rube and a hick, but I'd a lot rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it."
    óWill Rogers

  5. Back To Top | #5

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    Marius,

    In 30+ years of being in this Lifestyle any time I have seen a couple try to use swinging to "fix" a relationship they have ended in divorce.

    Swinging can be a great thing for a couple that has it all together in pretty much every part of their relationship but if there is anything "cracked" in that relationship swinging pretty much will break it up.

    This Lifestyle does not work for 99% of the people in the world and just from what you have written, I personally don't see it as being something you and your wife need to be checking out.

    Until you stop thinking about your past relationship and putting all of your energy into your current one you will never be happy.

    You are with your wife for a reason, at some point you loved her and wanted to marry her. Spend the effort it takes to make it last forever. Relationships don't just "work", they are work and it is life long if you want to be with her that long.

    She is branching out just with you, enjoy it and work with it but I would not be looking to bring your past into this relationship if you are planning on keeping it.

  6. Back To Top | #6

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    Hi acmarius. We're only getting your point of view here, of course, so it would indeed be useful to have your wife's input. Usually it's best to tell her exactly what you've told us. I'm getting the impression that maybe she's not as happy with the whole thing as she lets on. The sudden change to aggressiveness seems almost tantrum-like, hinting at jealousy or a little insecurity over your past relationship's 'worldliness'. And you seem to have a little difficulty (admittedly) avoiding comparison of your current relationship with the former. It's almost like she's saying, "So you want a slut, do you? I'll show you a slut. Careful what you wish for, because you're going to get it!"

    I don't have any specific advice, other than to to just communicate things the way you see them as clearly and calmly as you can.
    Fear is a symptom of ignorance. Knowledge is the cure.

  7. Back To Top | #7

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    Welcome to the Swingers Board, acmarius. We truly hope you find some answers that help. This may require both of you to accept your individuality with respect of yourselves, as well as finding a way for both of you ending up with the respect of your relationship combined as the key to swinging, or not. Somethings out of kilter in your relationship now, and thats not a healthy relationship balance. As Vegaslee said, relationships do take work. I believe in making work, fun too, sometimes. If not, the job will suck. You may need some professional help. Hopefully here, you'll find some answers also. We're a diversified group. Many have worked at their relationships with success, and some have known when to move on, in a failed relationship. Some are soul mates with little issues at all. There is a difference between thinking ; I wish I had That relationship, and knowing, I have my relationship and I wouldn't want it any other way. The latter, is through understanding our partners needs and sometimes that requires, selflessness


    Quote Originally Posted by acmarius View Post
    My wife and I have been together now for over 9 years, and we've had issues over our 9 years together, always managing to resolve them, no matter what they were. Where the sticky issue is - prior to getting married with her, I had 'experienced' MFM, FMF - which I completely and utterly enjoyed - no issues. My girlfriend at the time enjoyed the moment, and we never felt threatened or felt that we would leave each other- etc. It was purely a question of having fun and playing together, and it worked.
    First question is a doozy. Why didn't you marry this girlfriend ? Sure sounds perfect.... Be honest, is all I ask. Mrsfun and I have both had this talk about how we think life may have turned out, had we married someone else of the past. It's not impossible to talk about anything, as long as you devote a great deal to listening to each other completely, first.

    Now- move forward several years. Got married, had kids, and the wife and I seemed to be moving in opposite directions sexually- different interests, and at times no interest-lack of desire. So, after discussing all sorts of alternatives, and me being opened to trying anything with her - you name it, I've tried it...one day, she asks me about my experiences with my ex-girlf. Swinging or anything related to this was taboo up to this point.
    From her point of view, either she does something with me in the short-term or she doesn't see me in the picture...gets the feeling I'll move on, etc. Yes, it has crossed my mind.
    Whether you like this or not. You put your girlfriend/relationship of the past, on a pedestal, above your own wife/relationship. You might be thinking, I don't compare my girlfriend to my wife, she compares herself. Before I go farther, am I even close ?


    Several months have pasted since that day, and we've managed to head out to a local swingers club, but as a couple, we have not crossed over that line. I actually backed away from it (*shacking my head*) - here's why: as we discussed things that we'd like to do, and just talked about 'rules' - she began to change - she became more aggressive about sex, about anything related to sex. She demanded to be fucked a certain way, and didn't see why she should let me swing with another woman. She also didn't want to swing in the same room. I'm sitting here today wondering, how did we get so hard core!? And what's fair about this or fun??
    I think at this point and excuse my analogy. You both jumped on a wagon hitched to a team of wild, unbroken, untamed, wild horses. (your sexualities per swinging) Your wife took the reins (you handed them to her) although she's doing quite well, considering. She needs to learn how to handle things as I don't think this ride is fun for either of you, now. I think shes trying to find something on her own, or at least understand how to ride with pride. Again, I'm talking about (sexuality in a relationship) My opinion is, you have been insulting. Thats easy to do and not even know it, without better communication than you have at this point.

    I'm always going to compare my current situation to the one I had years ago - and this situation is not fun. In fact, if we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long, we won't care about each other for very long - am I misreading this situation?? - comments, questions...I need someone to talk to about this, any help would be appreciated.
    Stop comparing your past to now or your future ! Use it as a reference, not the manual. Wrong tools, and training, for the job ahead of you now. That, takes compromise you'll only find in communication. Each of you need to learn to share the reins. That doesn't mean you can't be happy riding coach, or separately.

  8. Back To Top | #8

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    Hi Everyone-

    First thing I want to say, is thank you for taking the time, and writing...the comments and opinions - I really appreciate it, and I hope I can give back someday.
    Ok, on the the feedback:
    My previous relationship was not something we discussed often - it really is something that we've - my wife brought up recently - 3 months ago. It was not something that I liked to discuss, and I don't compare the 2. My wife asked, and to be honest, when it comes to the lifestyle, these were my only experiences to date. Like it or not, they will be a reference for me. I agree that they are not the manual, but for the time being -other than what I read in the forums and what I'm currently feeling - this is it!
    Someone asked why didn't I marry my previous GF - great question. Sex was great, but nothing else worked for me. I didn't have the rest of the relationship - did not feel I found my other half, my equal, etc. We were together for many years, and it dawned on me eventually after trying that....well, I can't stay in a relationship just for the sex. *LOL*- I know someone is going to write something about this...but why not try to find your soul-mate, someone more complete. Anyway- next comment.
    Intuition wrote - that my wife may have been thinking - "so you want a slut...be careful for what you wish for.." - the more I think about it...I agree.
    I think that last few times we spoke about 'lifestyle" there was this 'lashing-out, agression" that I didn't appreciate.
    I can don't think that I've been so open with my wife over the past few months - we couldn't communicate more about this topic than we have. Current situation - we have not spoken about this in about 2 weeks, and we're probably going to wait till xmas is over - take a break.

    I'd like my wife to join - and assuming that we reopen our discussion about lifestyle - it's something that I'll put forward to her, she'll decide.

    When I listen to my wife - I know, this is not in her values. No matter what I do, what I say - she feels that she needs to do this in order for us to be together - > I know this is wrong. I've been telling her that she needs to enjoy this, have fun - this is not fun for her.

    You know - since we stopped talking about this, I've been able to concentrate at work, think about other things - for a while, this 'choice' was becoming to heavy - almost a burden for me, possibly for my wife-at this point I can only speculate.

    I'll give the comments more thought - and get back to everyone - again, thank you.

    Marius

  9. Back To Top | #9

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    If it's a 'burden' and not 'fun', you have your answer.

  10. Back To Top | #10

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    hi Edison -

    One comment - there has to be a middle ground? Sounds very black and white, though I never felt like the lifestyle was..anyway...thanks for the clear cut answer.

  11. Back To Top | #11

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    I think the point Edison was trying to make was this: your wife apparently has expressed that she thinks she needs to do this activity to keep your relationship intact and is NOT having fun. You have insight that having sex with others goes beyond her value system and yet you still want her to do it and have fun. She is NOT having fun. You are not having fun to the point that you are preoccupied at work and stressed.

    The thread title is telling..you feel if you keep on with this then your relationship will be history. So, why do you want to do it?
    Maria

  12. Back To Top | #12
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    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    Well said sexcupid.

    I can't imagine doing this if one of us was not having fun, let alone both of us.

    Getting into the LS to keep you marriage together is a disaster in the making. Your relationship needs to be rock solid before getting into the lifestyle. Even then if one or both are not "all in" and enjoying themselves, you just shouldn't do it. And yes, it is that black and white.

  13. Back To Top | #13

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    The question I am missing here is was she swinging but not allowing you to? If this is the case then the hard feelings will just grow and sooner or later boil over. It will if one side feels the other is unfair in the act.

  14. Back To Top | #14

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    My advice is simple...fix your relationship! otherwise you'll simply be imposing your problems and your drama on some poor unsuspecting couple at a club. Who needs that?

  15. Back To Top | #15

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    Patient: Doctor it always hurts when I do *this*!
    Doctor: Then don't do that!

    If you think its going to be a disaster don't move forward.

  16. Back To Top | #16

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    To the OP - I am sorry for your situation. I think that swinging should be the icing on an already delicious cake. It is so unfortunate that just talking openly about sex in a relationship can be a problem. I really think our society drives a lot of sexual hangups into folks. That said, perhaps you and your wife need less focus on swinging and more focus on some honest communication. If you discover that you aren't a good fit then hopefully you will figure that out through some understanding.

    I wish you much luck! Hopefully you find what you need together.

  17. Back To Top | #17

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    Hi Everyone:

    I appreciate the feedback - I don't think as a couple we're strong enough or have the same interest in this side of our sexuality or our relationship -period.

    It is frustrating, no matter what - doesn't matter how much you communicate, at some point you've said everything you can think of, without pissing the other person off too much - conclusion, I'm game to start slowly and see where things go, and she is not - those are our values.

    We have not spoken about this really over Xmas - over the past month. We've given ourselves a break, and I think the ship has sailed. I've got mixed feelings - on one side I feel my sexual desires disappearing (less interested in sex, less interested in masturbation, less interested - period), and on the other hand I keep thinking of looking elsewhere. Now- before people start posting 100 replies to this comment, please keep in mind I have never cheated on my wife and I don't have anyone on the side either.

    Kind of feel my life, desires are passing me by. Swinging is just another item on my list of things that I have put aside to stay in this relationship. My kids are what keep me here - for them to have a family is more important than my desires right now - divorce is not my answer or quick fix.

    Thanks,
    AC

  18. Back To Top | #18

    Default Re: If we move forward, I get the feeling that we won't be together for very long

    Quote Originally Posted by acmarius View Post
    Hi Everyone:

    We've given ourselves a break, and I think the ship has sailed. I've got mixed feelings - on one side I feel my sexual desires disappearing (less interested in sex, less interested in masturbation, less interested - period), and on the other hand I keep thinking of looking elsewhere. Now- before people start posting 100 replies to this comment, please keep in mind I have never cheated on my wife and I don't have anyone on the side either.

    Kind of feel my life, desires are passing me by. Swinging is just another item on my list of things that I have put aside to stay in this relationship. My kids are what keep me here - for them to have a family is more important than my desires right now - divorce is not my answer or quick fix.

    Thanks,
    AC
    Have you had a good medical workup recently? The quoted comments are certainly consistent with low Testosterone. A deficiency will not only lower your sex drive, but it will also leave one disinterested in other areas of life. It is easily treated, so it would be good to get your Doctor to test you - it is a simple blood test.

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