Jump to content
tigerfly

He says if we stop swinging, the relationship is over

Recommended Posts

My significant other and I have been together for 7 yrs and in the lifestyle 4 of those. I enjoy the lifestyle, but it is not #1 in my life as it is his. I feel as if I'm being used. Just want to hear from others and what they think. Here is the situation...He told me that if I should ever want out of the lifestyle, our relatationship would be over. He is always saying that it is hard for a single male to get invited to parties. Do you thing he is using me for the lifestyle? Would like your truthful thoughts/feelings on this.

Thanks, Tigerfly

Share this post


Link to post

It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Yes, it seems to be true what he says about single males. Read thru the single male forum and you'll see that.

 

But for him to say your relationship will end if you choose to get out of the lifestyle makes me wonder at his commitment to you. I could understand it easier if you hadn't been together so long. But 7 years is a long time. How is your relationship outside of the swinging? Do you really like each other? Do you get along? Do you still have things in common other than swinging and sex? I'm asking because it sounds to me like he may be having the highly touted 7 year itch syndrome. When did he start telling you that your relationship would end if you got out of swinging? Was it recent or have you been hearing this all along?

 

I think you might need to step back from the lifestyle for a bit and reevaluate your relationship. You don't sound too happy or enthusiastic about it. It sounds like you're doing it just to keep him happy and to keep him. And that's not the right reason. This is something that's supposed to bring you closer together, not drive you apart.

 

Good luck. Please come back and let us know how it's going. I wish you the best.

Share this post


Link to post

Dragons,

 

Thanks for replying.

 

We have a good relationship. We have a lot of things in common, such as dancing, darts, singing karaokee, etc.. The only thing we ever seem to argue about is the lifestyle. We host several parties a year and go to parties and a few clubs. I enjoy the lifestyle, but at "my" pace and he thinks it should be at his pace and his way of thinking. I can't go off and "play" with someone on a first meeting, unless I'm very comfortable with them. That happens almost never. I may have to be around someone several times before I will play with them. He will play with anyone on first meeting. At a party, it takes me awhile to get started. Say the party starts at 7 ends at 12 or later, we arrive at 7, it may be 9 or 10 before I'm ready to play. I have to get the feel of the lay out and the people there. He is ready to play within minutes. We, from time to time go to clubs, I will not play at clubs (unless there is someone there I know and have played with before). He get upset with me because of this.

 

I have no problem with him playing to his hearts content at parties or the clubs, I just don't want to be pressured into playing until I'm ready. If I'm pressured, I do not enjoy and isn't the lifestyle all about enjoying?

 

As to your question about how long has he been saying "if I want out of the lifestyle, we are through"... for a couple years now. I'm not in the lifestyle to keep him happy. I enjoy it, when I can do things at my pace. I have to admit, when I first thought about getting into the lifestyle, it was to please him, but once I got in, I found that I enjoy it.

 

I love him, but I feel that the only reason he wants me with him is to get him invited to parties etc. He says he loves me, but then says if I ever decide to get out of the lifestyle, our relationship would be over. He said it would be to much of a culture shock to him. I'm just so danged confused.

 

Thanks for listening and any more thoughts or comments from you or anyone are most welcomed.

 

Tigerfly

Share this post


Link to post

Tigerfly,

 

Glad to hear you have a good relationship outside of swinging. That is important. Is he reading this board? It might do him good to do so. One thing that he'll learn is that most people here advocate moving at the pace of the slowest person. In this case, your pace. There's nothing wrong with taking it slow. And he shouldn't be getting upset with you because you choose to do so.

 

In a way, it does sound to me, anyway, that he is using you to get into the parties. Single guys aren't allowed a lot of the time. Or it's very difficult and expensive for them to do so.

 

You might need to sit him down and talk to him about this. Or let him read your post. Does he understand how upset it gets you to be pressured this way? I see his demand as emotional blackmail. Do this or it's over. You do need to sit down and talk before this destroys your relationship.

 

Hopefully others will chime in with their advice.

Share this post


Link to post

He is a member here (in fact he has us down as a couple). He reads the boards everyday, but I think he is mostly into the swinger stories.

 

Thanks for your imput. I also hope others will join in here.

 

Tigerfly

Share this post


Link to post

I would say resoundingly yes he is using you. Just the fact that he would say that if you ever wanted to stop swinging your relationship is over. If you have any doubts, test him out and see.

 

Tell him you want to take a break for a while, but if you go this route be prepared for the worst. Hopefully, he is just using that line to keep you doing what he wants tho and not because he really wants out of the relationship but is hanging on for fear of not finding another swing partner.

Share this post


Link to post

Thanks, Julie.

 

That is how I feel. I have asked him if all I was good for to him was the lifestyle, but of course he said no. So hard to believe that.

 

Tigerfly

Share this post


Link to post
Originally posted by DragonsLair

Tigerfly,

 

I see his demand as emotional blackmail. Do this or it's over. You do need to sit down and talk before this destroys your relationship.

 

Hopefully others will chime in with their advice.

 

I have to agree here. Ultimatums have a place in life but not when it comes to controlling what another person does for the sake of safe enjoyment. For example I believe it would be ok to say "either you quit robbing gas stations or we are done".

 

But to insinuate swinging involvement is the glue that holds your relationship together smacks of a controlling attitude.

 

Perhaps he is addicted to swinging.

 

Maybe you should turn the tables on him and let him know that if he doesn't re-prioritize his swinging activities you will not be able to continue the relationship as is.

 

Sometimes it takes a knock in the head.

 

Good luck with anything you do. John.

Share this post


Link to post

John.

Funny you should say "addicted". I have felt and thought that, about him for a long time. He will spend hours up hours on his computer, going from one swinger site to another and contacting people. That is his only interest in the computer. I go to different swingers sites, but I don't let it be my only thought.

 

Don't bother saying he needs help, because I couldn't even go there with him. He thinks he is normal, as far as lifestylers go and I'm the abnormal one.

 

Thanks so much for adding to this.

 

I believe, I will be sending this whole thread to him, as I'm not sure he will be reading this section, although he is in here several times a day.

 

Thanks,

Tigerfly

Share this post


Link to post

Hummmmm....is he in LOVE with you or the lifestyle??

 

If he LOVES you he would say no problem dear---anything you want to make you happy and "us" happy. If not, then he just loves the lifestyle and you going along with it.

 

Time to re-evaluate your relationship I think.

 

-J

Share this post


Link to post

Oh my gosh...are we with the same man or what?

I thought I had the only selfish ass hole out there. I guess they are all over. I too have been given the "If you don't want to do what I want, when I want and with who I want" then we may as well not see each other....I love you but this is what I want and if you aren't with me then I guess we need to go our seperate ways...I said Ok...and Good night. I have told him it is perfectly fine with me if he wants to go play with others with out me. He says he wants to enjoy it with me....Yeah right. What he means is he won't be able to do it with out me because he won't be wanted as a single male. We are not married and do not live in the same place so it is easy for me to just blow him off. I still have my own place and although I care for him,I don't have to have him as part of my life. We too are on different levels as far as the lifestyle go. Your boyfriend sounds just like mine. They are sex addicts.They cannot function with out the thrill of outside sex in a relationship. We can handle that but it has to be at our pace...these two little boys are so worried about their willies that that is all that matters. If at all possible i would turn the tables and tell him that if he doesn't change his attitude you will end the relationship...it may be for the best even if it is hard to do. My guy needs a whore...not a swing partner. I know he loves me but he loves himself and that liitle boy in him more. They are both in it for themselves and could care less about our feelings . As long as they get what they want and if we make it easy for them it will never change...Good Luck Tigerfly

Share this post


Link to post

J & K: ...he loves me, but is "in love" with sex.

 

Coolwetbreeze: (They are both in it for themselves and could care less about our feelings.) This statement you made, is so true. My boyfriend says he wants me to enjoy myself at the parties, but he knows I need the extra social time to relax enought to enjoy myself. I don't drink, so it is not the booze that relaxes me. It's getting to know the people, the air of everyone, so to speak. More times then not, he manages to piss me off over something before we even get to the party. It's like he does it just so I'm not in the mood to party. Like he wants to play with as many women as he can, but really doesn't want me to play. I just don't understand. I'm so totally confused as to just where and what I am to him. I'm in love with the man...but...

 

I sent this thread to him...I figure he has read it already, but so far he hasn't said a word to me about it. I was kinda hoping he would jump in and tell how he feels, thinks etc....but them maybe not...don't need a family feud going on.

 

Thanks for letting me vent..somewhat.

 

Tigerfly

Share this post


Link to post

My two cents. You make the decision to handle your relationship the way you want to do it. Pretty, ugly, right or wrong, its up to you to go with the flow, rock the boat or upset the applecart. Its your call and yours alone. You will live with the results of your actions and not anyone who gives you advice.

 

If you are willing to put up with his professed attitude about your not leaving the lifestyle, then no one else's opinion has any value to your decision.

 

No relationship is perfect and we all put up with problems we wish we didn't have. It's up to you alone to decide how serious this issue is.

 

Make the best decision and good luck to you.

 

Gary

Share this post


Link to post

Gary, You are ever so correct. I still wanted to know what others thought. I know I'm not the only one who thinks as I do.

Thanks for your input.

Tigerfly

Share this post


Link to post

Tigerfly I agree with Julie and J & K...sounds to me like he's using you and he doesn't love you. I feel if he loved you he would not only hear what you have to say but listen as well, and respect your feelings and thoughts. I'm a single guy, and yes sometimes it's tough, but I have found if you treat people with respect and be a gentleman, people will honor you for that. It appears he loves the variety and spice of life that he receives from the lifestyle more than he loves you. I suspect he is being driven by fear of losing what he has, thus he is manipulating you because he knows you care for him and he doesn't believe you will end the relationship. If this is so, he definetly doesn't love you, he loves himself and waht he can get from others. Many men will say anything to get what they want when it comes to a woman...ie. to get sex!

Share this post


Link to post
Originally posted by funlovin4u

Tigerfly I agree with Julie and J & K...sounds to me like he's using you and he doesn't love you. I feel if he loved you he would not only hear what you have to say but listen as well, and respect your feelings and thoughts.

 

Maybe he is using her. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love her.

 

Sometimes people go on the wrong track. Usually they can be re-directed if there is love. I don't think its proper to say that he doesn't love her though.

 

He may love her deeply but just isn't good at handling some situations.

 

I don't think an observer can judge love in anothers heart, or pain, or happiness either.

 

I have never seen a relationship that doesn't have some bumps along the way. Sometimes the best ones are the most rocky.

 

I think that tigerfly is looking for advice to salvage her relationship, not reasons to end it because she loves this guy, and she believes he loves her. Tigerfly sounds like she knows the way around the block. If he didn't love her she probably would have noticed that years ago.

 

John.

 

John.

Share this post


Link to post
Originally posted by Flori_DAMAN

He may love her deeply but just isn't good at handling some situations.

While that is true, some people can love with all they have in them, yet it may not be what the other needs.

 

Some people view love as being a provider and homemaker, but share no intimacy. For some that may be perfectly acceptable to them and they are as happy as a lark. When two people are mis-matched in their personal needs and desires though, it is doubtful that the relationship will last. If it does they will die two miserable old souls.

 

I am going to have to sway with the advice that the others offered here as I have been through it in a life once before with someone who put their needs first, issued ultimatums and ignored my needs no matter how hard I tried to express them. Without the objectivity that I found through others and realizing that what I wanted was just as important, I may well still be living a life like that. :eek:

 

Lori ~ A very happily married woman.....15 years after the fact.

Share this post


Link to post

I agree wholeheartedly Lori,

 

I just hate to see a marriage break up because of a one sided discussion with un-involved people in the situation. As I stated in my post, ultimatums like this smack of a control freak.

 

But, it is not for me or us to judge this man's love for her. I truly hope Tigerlady can flip flop him and gain back her fair share of the relationship.

 

Sometimes it does happen. My experiences have been on both sides. The lady of my life acted in the fashion this man did and i managed to reel her back in, but she died on me right when things were going well.

 

Now, I have lost another relationship because of non-swinging, non control things...just disagreements over how kids should be handled, or how they shouldn't handle us. If you heard her side it would be exactly the same as mine in this case though. We are both right but not in sync. We still love each other but both know it just isn't going to work.

 

When I imagine her with another man I cringe but know it will happen. We will remain friends though because it is true love. I can't even begin to think about starting another relationship yet though.

 

John.

Share this post


Link to post

So many have responded and I thank you all.

 

I sent this thread to him. He read it and was rather upset. Saying that I made him look a-hole. I told him I wrote what was true and how I felt. If he felt I made him look like that, I said maybe that is because that is how he was acting. One good thing came out of this. We sat and had a long talk.

 

He said our relationship would not end if I wanted out of the lifestyle as long as he could stay in it. I then asked, "if I didn't want you in the lifestyle, what then"? He said we would have to work on it (our relationship). To me, that is not what I wanted to hear, but I look at it as being a fair answer and accept it. He said he will try hard to accept me going at my own pace and not his pace or that of some others.

 

Some one said that everyone shows love in different ways. I believe this to be very true. I'm the type of person that will wait on the one I love hand and foot, give hugs and kisses (a real touchy feely person). I only say "I Love You" if I really love that person. To me "passion" in the act of sex is only given to the one I love. Intimacy, to me is a close, private relationship (espically sexual) with the person you love.

My partner (I believe) shows his love by giving me his home to live in and taking care of me in many other financial ways. To him "passion" has nothing to do with love...it is just an action in bed with another. Intimacy, to him is, he and I sitting and talking alone.

 

Maybe this will shed some light on our different ways of thinking and maybe someone out there can relate.

I once again thank all who have posted. Hope this won't be the end here, because it is making me do some thinking and I know it is making him think also. If this helps us build on our relationship, great. If it helps bring it to an end...well, then I guess that is where it should be.

 

Tigerfly

Share this post


Link to post
Originally posted by tigerfly

We sat and had a long talk.

I am so glad to hear this tigerfly. Although you may not have heard exactly what you wanted to hear, the communication lines have now been opened.

 

You both still have plenty of things to discuss and resolve amongst yourselves which are not just swinging related. You both need to be happy in all aspects in order to make swinging a part of your relationship should you decide to continue. Until you come to some sort of mutual agreement that you are BOTH comfortable with, you will face many more problems down the road that may make this seem like chicken feed. If you love and care about each other and can't come to some sort of agreement, it is best to part ways and find the life that you both desire and deserve.

 

Time is too short to waste it. Keep talking and we wish you both the best, whatever the outcome.

 

 

Lori

Share this post


Link to post

Well then,

 

I'm glad you two have actually used this board to instigate a conversation that could possibly reduce a whole lot of quiet antogonism between each other.

 

It looks like you came to the right place because it got you talking about the real subject matter.

 

Now, go take a weekend together and play with each other. You may both discover something you never knew.

 

John.

.

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...