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Gauging Interest and Crossing the Line from Chit Chat to Let's Do It?

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In a nut shell we were interested in any tips for gauging other couple's interest levels.

 

Honestly we can chat away with a couple that then seems to have no interest in pursuing things further, and it's annoying as there are other people we could be talking to.

 

We do get obvious indicators, like touching, unexpected closeness, but frankly a lot of times things just hit us out of the blue. The last couple we were with surprised me that they were interested at all? Then I have been blown off by other couples that I thought were 'super swingers' and super interested in us? Frankly it's a bit confusing?

 

We were really wondering if other people have similar experience or if we could share some helpful tips to help gauge another couple's interest?

 

It just seems such a continuous crap shoot?

 

Thanks!

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There's so many reasons why it feels like a "crap shoot" at times. One of them is that people don't like rejection and they try to avoid it at all costs. This means that couples/singles that take this route rely on the other couple to make a move or proposition. They don't want to put themselves out there and get a big fat no. Another is that a lot of people don't know how to make that move or show that they are interested. Everyone has their own unique way of showing they are interested and sometimes what we consider disinterest is actually a level of interest for them and vice versa (for example, they are naturally flirty and make it seem like they are interested in everyone but aren't). Further more are couples who are still on the fence about whether they want to play with a certain couple or not and are still in the stages of deciding or getting a better feel of whether there's enough attraction. Then there's the issue of "what is too much and what is just right" in terms of touching to show interest. People don't want to overstep their boundaries and ruin what could have been a fun night if they hadn't been so "touchy".

 

I'm sure there are many other reasons but I think these are the major ones as to why it seems like those who are interested aren't really or when you can't tell when some couples are interested and won't make a move.

 

As for advice? If we're feeling it pretty strongly for a couple, we'll ask if they are interested in swapping. If not, then we move on. When we aren't feeling it as strongly, we go with the flow and see what happens. If it's a definite no-go, then we're friendly but we try our best not to lead them on.

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Tough topic. I like to ask and not beat around the "bush." I'll say Do you guys want to play with us? If they hesitate, I'll say Do you guys want to discuss it. We'll take a walk. I like when my wife asks. It's less of power play. If another couple asks us to play, we err on the generous side and say yes if at all possible, because we realize the guts it takes to ask.

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There are really two questions here.

 

The first is the matter of gauging interest. The issue of rejection (and its avoidance) has been mentioned. Context matters. If you are in a group setting, it's easy enough to move on. Meet and greets, house parties and so on are inherently a matter of seeing if there is/are couple(s) that you have an interest in. Moving on can be as simple as getting a drink, going to the buffet or some other gracious exit: "Oh honey, there's Sam and Elly--would you excuse us, we need to catch up on a couple of things with them...". Reciprocally, moving into personal space, subtle touch, the sweet compliment ("What an interesting necklace!") are all ways of messaging interest. See what's reciprocated.

 

The second is chit chat to more. That's a harder step because of uncertainty about everyone being on the same page and the risk of feeling like there's been a misread. Simple works best, "Would you like to find a quieter spot?" and if there is hesitation, find a reason to step away for a few minutes--refresh a drink or similar--so the question can get sorted through.

 

These are all social skills. Like all skills, practice makes for comfort.

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We know more experienced lifestylers who do so well in getting together with others. It's not looks, it's their personality and sexiness quotient. They exude confidence.

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The longer the conversation goes on the less likely anything will happen. Most people will scope out the room and find a "target". There is nothing wrong with a "getting to know you" conversation but it shouldn't take long for everyone to know if the "feeling" is there or not. Long conversations are for nervous people who are trying to be polite but don't know how to escape.

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By definition, the longer the conversation the less likely it is to result in play. This is true for just about every negotiation in life. On the other hand, some prefer a little more reflection. I liken this to the times that Mrs FL and I go for ice cream. I can scan the menu as I am walking up to the counter and make a decision. She will spend far more time weighing her options. However by the time my cone is placed in my hand she had reached a decision. We both end up with ice cream (never vanilla!) satisfied with the process that led us to our choices.

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What we are interested in is the feed back on the 'from chit chat to more' phase. We have no problem chatting people up to gauge interest, seriousness and attraction. We also get that some people have more experience with this than others, are more or less outgoing, etc. We get that we and everybody else are scanning the room and sizing up targets, etc. We also get the be right back going to...whatever, part of the game to think about the situation, etc.

 

It's when the couple doesn't do this, that becomes more of the question?

 

It is interesting feedback that 'less is more'. I.E. the less chatting the better. Not really sure how much our experience has verified this, but our experience is limited. We will definitely just lay it out there much more quickly in future and not mess around. Not worry about it and get moved on to our next 'target', ok target isn't really a good word in this context, but hey not feeling creative right now. Oops take that back, move on to our next opportunity. There that's a better term.

 

Sorry to beat this bush, but the feedback I'm getting is to lay our interest out there pretty quickly and see how the other party reacts? Would that be accurate? Something like, 'let us know if you are interested in getting together, we're going to, blah, blah?

 

Does anybody gauge flirtatiousness? One thing we have noticed with a couple is it's not uncommon for her to get overtly flirtatious/sexual with my wife, and it's also not unusual for her to more discretely flirt with me. Do people have any feedback in that regard? Do other people find it difficult to flirt with the other sex in front of their partner (ok this could be a separate thread and is a bit off topic). Guys do you get flirty with the women at clubs? How does that go, good/bad?

 

My experience has been pretty good, but then things get really different? It's not the same as chatting up girls when you were single.

 

Thanks for the feedback, really valuable hearing others experience here besides what the wife and I discuss, and experience. Also our nature is a bit more analytical than everybody else's, which can come across as rather cold.

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I am very flirty and conversationally sexy. Often, that is mistaken for interest in playing.

 

I also am sorta touchy-feely, and that will lead people to assume that I'm (we) are wanting to play. This is especially so with a woman, I can kiss, flirt and fondle about any woman and enjoy it - but that doesn't mean I (we) want to swap with them.

 

I'm very direct. Enjoy conversation to assess mutual interest, ask one of them to dance to further assess chemistry and comfortability, then ask the question. I'd say that happens within 1 hour of meeting. If I'm at a party and meet many couples I'd like to get to know better, we will try exchange screen-names and follow up later.

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I am very flirty and conversationally sexy. Often, that is mistaken for interest in playing.

 

I also am sorta touchy-feely, and that will lead people to assume that I'm (we) are wanting to play. This is especially so with a woman, I can kiss, flirt and fondle about any woman and enjoy it - but that doesn't mean I (we) want to swap with them.

 

Thanks Angelkin...confirmed some experiences:blush:

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One of the best things about the lifestyle is that the rules are so clearly spelled out. You don't have to worry about offending people by asking for what you really want. I escalate things at parties along a fairly standard path. First I say hello to a woman or couple and, if they are sitting down and look friendly, ask if I can sit down. I hang out with them for a while and, if everyone is having a good time, I ask the woman to dance. Then, if she seems into it, I try to kiss her on the dance floor. Some women turn their heads away, and that's totally fine. I don't want any affection from a woman who doesn't freely want to give it to me. Others will try to devour me like they haven't had sex for a year. Still others fall in the middle, making out but doing so tentatively.

 

Then, I generally escalate further by trying to touch the woman's breasts, of course always stopping if I get any sense that she doesn't want me to proceed. (She almost always wants me to proceed.) Then, I will try to rub the woman's pussy, again subject to her wishes. It may take a few songs to get to this point. Anyway, by this point, it is decision time and I will ask the woman if she wants to go back to my room (I usually go to hotel parties, which makes things vastly easier). Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't, but everything is crystal clear either way.

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Certainly its not the only way to tell but I think when the conversation starts including more touching. You know, the guy puts his hand on the small of your back or the lady touches your man's shoulder or thigh. I use the same if we are at a bar and some guy starts talking to us and I am interested in MFM. After it goes from talk, to flirt to innuendo, I touch a shoulder or a thigh to see if I get touch back.

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chiccouplex Certainly its not the only way to tell but I think when the conversation starts including more touching. You know, the guy puts his hand on the small of your back or the lady touches your man's shoulder or thigh. I use the same if we are at a bar and some guy starts talking to us and I am interested in MFM. After it goes from talk, to flirt to innuendo, I touch a shoulder or a thigh to see if I get touch back.

 

Yeah this is hit and miss, kinda part of the problem...get experiences where somebody is just flirty...or one partner is 'in' and flirty and the other is not. I've had women do a LOT more than just be touchy but their partner is not interested at all:eek: Appreciate the feedback though.

 

FunGuy915

I ask the woman to dance.

 

Thanks never really thought about it before but the dance thing has worked:lol:. It's a pretty interesting indicator.

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. . . Thanks never really thought about it before but the dance thing has worked:lol:. It's a pretty interesting indicator.
I met a woman at a swingers' club who said to me, "if a man does not try, at least, to get me onto the dance floor, he will have no chance of getting into my pants."
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