intuition897 2,177 Posted July 6, 2016 Where the hell is the facepalm smiley when you need it? So our new neighbours just moved in not long ago. Mr. intuition and I were fretting about whether or not they'd be busybody assholes or the type who think a used toilet makes for a clever lawn ornament if you use it as a planter. We saw the moving-in party, but as we live down a long laneway with only a few houses on the whole road, we couldn't tell much from the drive-by except that they were definitely upright bipedal types who apparently could move furniture and had the kind of friends to help them do it. Mr. intuition and I let them get settled in and didn't disturb them, meaning to go over and introduce ourselves. We needn't have bothered; I was up at the store or something and when I came back Mr. intuition let me know that the neighbours came over to say hello...bearing a platter of muffins. It turns out we've got Barbie and Ken Flanders living next door. They can't even be in their 30's yet, they go to church twice on Sunday and bible study every Wednesday, and they're sweet and wholesome as apple pie. They bought a house with lots of bedrooms because they plan to fill them up with kids. And apparently she wants to get a goat. At hearing their religious disposition, I must admit I was a bit pouty about that, not that we think that fucking the neighbours is ever a good idea. But I did ask, nonetheless what they looked like. Far be it from us to not at least throw some what-ifs around for fun, eh? "Oh, they're uh...they're cute." says Mr. intuition. "You should take them over some of that strawberry shortcake dessert or something. Introduce yourself and say hello." He was being all coy. So I made a dessert and took it over the next evening. Well I'm glad I at least brushed my hair and put on some lipstick. Young Ned/Ken Flanders opens the door and holy shit. Folks, my social graces aren't all that, but I don't remember the last time I was at a loss for words. So I'm standing there literally like: "...Uh...hi...I'm...Mrs. intuition." Had to think for a minute there. What was my name again?? LOL As I said, HOLY fucking shit. Do you have some doves in there? Are fucking doves going to come flying out from behind you or something? My very young, very nice and innocent-seeming, very religious neighbour looks like he stepped out of a Calvin Klein ad. Well...I mean, I have no idea what he looks like in his underwear, but I'm pretty sure he'd do okay. I came back to the house and shot Mr. intuition a dirty look. "Yeah, you're a funny guy." I said, "Thanks for the heads-up, y'dick. I stood there stammering like an idiot." Mr. intuition was amused at my awkwardness. I have since met Maude/Barbie Flanders and can verify that they are definitely a matched set. She is freaking adorable. A petite pretty little blonde, and so nice. Mr. intuition and I have made a lot of dirty jokes at their expense, often arising from her choosing muffins as a greeting gift. A lot of muff(in)-eating jokes. The funniest part is that neither of us got to eat any. Mr. intuition put them on the island, went in to take a shower, and came out to find our 19 year old son eating the last one. We have also mowed their lawn for them as their new mower hadn't arrived yet, so that was another subject area that was rife with dirty humour material. Mr. intuition gets back from next door and says, "Trimmed Maude's backyard." "Did you trim it good?" "Yup. It's bare right up to the back door. Trimmed her bush, while I was at it." "Of course, that makes sense. Might as well while you're at it, right? You got all the equipment out after all..." I am almost afraid for them. Do they know what kind of godless heathens they've moved next to?? LOL At least we're harmless. More or less. We're supposed to go out to dinner with them sometime soon. I think I'm actually afraid to. We're most comfortable with Black Diamond conversation, and these guys are on the Bunny Slopes. It situations like this that make me even more certain there is a God. And he has a sick sense of humour. 14 Quote Share this post Link to post
Baconheads 397 Posted July 6, 2016 Where the hell is the facepalm smiley when you need it? It situations like this that make me even more certain there is a God. And he has a sick sense of humour. It is true. And He does! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post
intuition897 2,177 Posted July 7, 2016 I'm glad you, too, can see the cruel irony in the situation, Baconheads. Ah well, at least they're pretty to look at. Could be worse. I had a coworker who ended up moving because her creepy-ass next door neighbour had a habit of laying out in a lawn chair in his speedo thong, suntanning. All. Day. Long. Facing her window. Staring at her. And it sounds like he was not exactly doing that speedo justice; apparently he was a very unattractive man. He tried breaking into her house at night. She couldn't leave her house without him being outside wanting to interact with her. She thought he was even stalking her at work. If nothing else, his unwanted attentions were causing her to become paranoid. She actually had to get a restraining order against him. So yes, I'll take living next door to Barbie and Ken Flanders any day over a shitball like that guy. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post
Baconheads 397 Posted July 7, 2016 Ew. That kind of behavior is just wrong. It's what "Make My Day" is all about. Hope your new neighbors turn out to be a little more than they appear! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post
GoldCoCouple 3,998 Posted July 11, 2016 Don't make judgements...they may be even kinkier than you are (and are making jokes about how she already offered her muffin to your husband...lol) 1 Quote Share this post Link to post
intuition897 2,177 Posted July 12, 2016 Don't make judgements...they may be even kinkier than you are (and are making jokes about how she already offered her muffin to your husband...lol) Yeeeeaaaa--no. Just no. I wouldn't doubt that they've consulted their well-worn bible to determine whether or not a blowjob is an acceptably holy sexual practice. I somehow doubt that fucking other people even made the list. Quote Share this post Link to post
GoldCoCouple 3,998 Posted July 12, 2016 The Old Testament is FULL of men with multiple wives and don't even get me started on the Song of Soloman. I came from a family that went to church 3 times a week and I attended a Christian HS and here I am. Don't judge, you never really know...(it's my fantasy, leave it alone ) 1 Quote Share this post Link to post
WonderZ 16 Posted July 17, 2016 This post made my day.... Laughing all the way through. Good luck with the neighbors they seem nice... 1 Quote Share this post Link to post
econobiker 164 Posted July 18, 2016 Sooooooo, when are you going to ask them if they have ever been to vacation at any beach clubs in Jamaica? Cough, er, cough, Hedonism, cough... However, don't worry, they are young and have years of disappointment available to them in the future to counter any possibility of a boring planned out life. At the very least, if they're too square and boring you can always drop an "Unrest Cure" item into their lives every so often. The Unrest Cure story by Saki/ H.H. Munro is about the exact opposite of a Rest Cure. And it doesn't even have to be swinging or adult related. In college, pre-internet era, I had a very boring male former roommate, who hailed from a city/suburban area. After I moved out of that dorm, ex-roommate found himself receiving loads of catalogs and advertising brochures about heavy duty lawn mowers, brush trimmers, and bush-hog type equipment. He could just never explain why he was receiving these targeted and very specific mailings. Right now econobiker is currently figuring out what to send to care of a very boring coworker and his wife who have vacationed twice a year in the exact same beach city, at the exact same motel, in the exact same room for the last 14 years! I'm leaning toward a plastic lawn chair -lightweight yet when boxed, large enough for requiring the motel owners to handle it- like an elephant in the middle of the motel office. Plus, if the white chair is spray painted in hideous, awful colors, near unusable by the motel keeping coworker from giving it to the motel. The additional items to be included in the big box- a costume feather boa, several random old mainstream magazines from a used bookstore discard pile, a Chinese restaurant menu from another state, several non-winning, already scratched-off lottery tickets, a bottle of clear corn syrup, possibly a used but working toaster, a damaged roll of Christmas wrapping paper, and some random nuts, bolts, and screws. Yes, money will be spent but said boring coworker WILL remember that vacation week forever and plus have to explain the random everything to the motel owners. And WILL have a big story to talk about upon returning to work. Oh, and did I say this box will be sent anonymously? Or at the very least, a nice panhandling gentleman will profit for sending the box in his name. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post
intuition897 2,177 Posted July 18, 2016 The Old Testament is FULL of men with multiple wives and don't even get me started on the Song of Soloman. I came from a family that went to church 3 times a week and I attended a Christian HS and here I am. Don't judge, you never really know...(it's my fantasy, leave it alone ) Oh I know, GoldCo. You're preaching to the choir. Grew up Anglican, in church every Sunday, bible stories at bedtime, my best friend was the preacher's daughter (although she wasn't exactly a good influence). LOL 1 Quote Share this post Link to post
intuition897 2,177 Posted July 19, 2016 econobiker, I do believe you are the spawn of Satan. Our neighbours are too doe-eyed for me to believe they even know what Hedonism is, let alone that they may have vacationed there. We're supposed to take them out fishing on the boat this Saturday afternoon. I will be hard pressed to avoid the temptation to wear a bikini. Just getting a little sun. You know. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post
econobiker 164 Posted July 20, 2016 econobiker, I do believe you are the spawn of Satan. Our neighbours are too doe-eyed for me to believe they even know what Hedonism is, let alone that they may have vacationed there. We're supposed to take them out fishing on the boat this Saturday afternoon. I will be hard pressed to avoid the temptation to wear a bikini. Just getting a little sun. You know. Funny thing is that I've heard some swinger women say "oh god" more than anything else around me... Wear the bikini! Or work them into your bikini body on a later trip...when your one piece bathing suit is "in the wash", hehehe. File this for the future: When your beige neighbors start welping out children, you and all their relatives will know about those special events and send congratulations of all types. Therefore, for the price of a congratulations greeting card, a stamp, and enlisting a willing elderly female for her penmanship, you'll be able to send a congratulations card from a generic named older couple who've forgot to add their return address to the envelope. If you're really for upping the ante, put a small cash donation in the card such that a retired couple of limited means would do. I GUARANTEE this will drive one or both of the two in crazy circles trying to figure out who these people are to properly thank them. And mail said card from the most local main post office or mail box location. If you can propagate this joke over the span of several children being born, even better. I've got friends and relatives who've received wedding congratulations cards in the same method. Only for my best male friend from childhood, did I reveal -2 years after his wedding- that I was behind the faux old couple wedding card with $20 bill(early 1990s) to him and his wife. His wife wanted to beat me for having caused her so much worry after the wedding trying to figure out who these people were, how they knew my friend and her, and where to send the thank you note. But they did spend the money... Obviously, in today's connected environment, you'll have to pick a such a generic name or one from 1000 miles away so even if they internet search and contact a person to thank them/him/her, that person will have no clue what the couple is talking about 3 Quote Share this post Link to post
GoldCoCouple 3,998 Posted July 20, 2016 Intuition: Post the pictures of you in a bikini and allow us to decide if you should wear it . No, I say wear it already. It will either make them more comfortable...or less, either way, it's their problem. BTW, my favorite Bible stories are the ones where there were several wives... (almost a face palm) 3 Quote Share this post Link to post
intuition897 2,177 Posted July 23, 2016 Hilarious update. Okay, so something that we didn't mention is the small-world thing about our neighbours. He actually grew up in the house next door to where my sister currently lives, and she rents the land from his uncle for her horses' pasture. But that's not what's funny. No, it gets better. I happened to meet my sister and parents yesterday in town. They were up getting groceries and hay for the horses. I was telling my Mom about the neighbours, about their religious habits, which I was sure she'd be pleased about. Always nice to see a nice young couple devout in their faith and all. My sister piped up about the previous church they went to in their community. "Yeah there's something just not right about that frigging church." she said. "It's a cult." "A cult. Really." I said. "Oh yeah." she said, shaking her head, "Just fucking wierd. It's full of SWINGERS, eating kids, fucking sacrificing sheep and shit." She said this with her face contorted in disgust. I just about lost it. Okay, she's prone to exaggeration...just a little. She knows full well that nobody's sacrificing sheep or eating children. But clearly she lumps us swingers in with their ilk. "Yeah," she said, "Hubby and I sit on our porch and drink beer, watching them. Psychos." I told that to Mr. intuition. He said they're probably sitting on the porch saying how disgusting it is while rubbing one out. Probably. 5 Quote Share this post Link to post
SW_PA_Couple 4,018 Posted July 23, 2016 We city folk are no more open-minded or narrow-minded than country folk. We simply have balconies for making our observations rather than front porches. 4 Quote Share this post Link to post
Fundamental Law 2,807 Posted July 24, 2016 What happened with the fishing bikini trip? Inquiring minds want to know! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post
intuition897 2,177 Posted July 24, 2016 Well we did go fishing, but didn't catch a thing. And we did go swimming off the boat, which we actually hadn't done before. That was great. And yes, I wore a bikini. Not the skimpy micro-bikini type thing, because frankly, I just can't pull off that look. Nope, I went with a cute retro Marilyn-Monroe-type two piece outfit that produced awesome cleavage. And hopefully helped cover up my gut a little. She didn't wear a two-piece swimsuit, but she could make a paper bag look good, so...there you go. After our swim, Ned/Ken joined me at the bow of the boat for the ride back to shore. Maybe I'm reading into it too much, but his body language was a little off-putting. Very forward-sitting and close for two (supposedly vanilla) married people wearing next to nothing...with his wife sitting at the back. Mr. intuition said he wondered if she was going to come up there and claw my ass up. I said it's not my fault! HE came up THERE and sat with ME! Sure, says Mr. intuition, making fun of me. Boobs bouncing all over the place (the water was rough), tee hee hee! It's never your fault, is it? NO!, I said, IT'S NOT! I'm just making conversation and being polite. I can't help it if he's up there looking like he's trying to make time with me. Holy shit. It was fine, it was just a little disconcerting because this is supposed to be a vanilla couple, so we are very aware of body language and the usual social rules that accompany making conversation (or spending any time with) someone else's spouse. But anyway, they're a very nice young couple. We don't have a lot in common with them, but the guys - being guys - get along well because they both have tools and tractor implements (toys) to share. I'll probably get along nicely with her, too. She's a city girl, but I'll initiate her in all things country, like going on foraging missions for wild grapes or crab apples, and making a bunch of jelly. Stuff like that. We're looking forward to keeping in touch with them. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post
GoldCoCouple 3,998 Posted July 25, 2016 ...trying hard not to say I told you so. Still waiting for the pictures of that bikini Quote Share this post Link to post
intuition897 2,177 Posted July 25, 2016 ...trying hard not to say I told you so. Still waiting for the pictures of that bikini Yeah, not gonna happen. Quote Share this post Link to post
cplnuswing 4,710 Posted November 4, 2016 Any updates? Or is the silence indicative of your never kiss and tell policy ? 1 Quote Share this post Link to post
intuition897 2,177 Posted November 6, 2016 We've all been keeping pretty much to ourselves. We go to work, we come home and crash for the night. Lather, rinse and repeat until the weekend. Spend the weekend doing chores and shit, then start all over again on Monday. I think since the episode on the boat, I've been very self-conscious about doing anything that might appear flirty or anything. As a result, I've been avoiding them completely. I really don't want to do anything that might be construed as offensive, and considering the wife is, apparently, quite insecure - and now quite pregnant - anything I say or do might be seen as such. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post
M1F2KTJ 470 Posted November 11, 2016 I guess it depends on where you live and how close you are to the neighbors but my suggestions to everyone is don't have sex with the neighbors or people you work with. I know it is very tempting and convenient but it could become a disaster. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post