A perspective on relationships: new insight on why swinging makes sense ... for us

Core questions that lifestyle couples will confront sooner or later include "why swing?" and "is swinging for us?". One typical answer uses similes involving "vanilla" versus "31 flavors". Another typical answer involves bonobos and biology. We read, hear and repeat those statements so often that we overlook, or maybe avoid, deeper questions about our marriage, what that core relationship is really all about. We speak about the attributes that matter--honesty, affection, trust, communication, honor-- but somehow avoid thinking--really thinking--about the dyads of love versus desire, have versus want, and so on. In other words, why precisely does swinging make sense for us?

 

A few days ago, I stumbled across a pair of TED talks by a psychiatrist/counselor named Esther Perel. One is on

and the other is on . For clarity, she is not advocating infidelity--much of her practice involves helping couples who have been through the pain of an affair. What I found most fascinating was her insight on the deep dynamics of a strong marital relationship and what is needed to support that relationship over decades including the attributes listed in the prior paragraph. If you choose to listen to the talks--they are about 20 min each--try listening through a specific filter, namely that the lifestyle brings together couples who not only acknowledge but also freely embrace the tensions between love and desire, have versus want, reality versus fantasy. The lifestyle exists because couples have made a decision to address those issues head on.

 

Some reflection clarified why getting ready for a LS date is so exciting for us, and why passion for each other is heightened as a result of that date.

 

Have a listen or maybe scan through the transcripts. There is wisdom, and maybe more important, catalyst for insight.

Fascinating

Downloaded and scheduled for this weekend...

Watched this and loved it! Somebody stop me, I've got an urge to send a feedback email to Ms. Perel. LOL

Splurged and downloaded her book. About US $13.

I am impressed by the way she contrasts the need for feeling secure and the need for adventure then how people manage to satisfy both using their relationship as a couple.

I am impressed by the way she contrasts the need for feeling secure and the need for adventure then how people manage to satisfy both using their relationship as a couple.

 

Indeed, managing this tension seems--to us at least--foundational to our relationship. Moreover, as we think about happy couples we know (vanilla-as-far-as-we-know and LS), each has found this balance and each has found it uniquely. As far as the the lifestyle is concerned, creating a space where it is permissible to play not only satisfies the adventure need but also intensifies the passion for one's partner precisely because s/he is seen as attractive to others. Parties and theme nights give free rein to role play and other flights of imagination.

 

That's not to say that monogamy can't happily balance the tension. There are surely some couples who can share the chores and easily switch to erotic play. (Watch the Cialis commercials on TV. This is precisely what they are 'selling'--doing some ordinary activity and then somehow getting the gleam in all eyes.) It happens, but not all that frequently. However getting ready for a lifestyle 'something'--from as simple as a date with an LS couple all the way to going on an LS cruise--creates all sorts of anticipation and erotic charge, and that substantially recharges our passion for each other.

I have to say I was very impressed at her command of the English language. For it being a second language to her, she has a better vocabulary than probably 95% of the English-speaking North American population. I'll bet her IQ is in the high triple digits, too. She really effectively zeroes in on the core elements of relationship dynamics and brilliantly contrasts them in ways that pretty much anybody would understand. I don't think I've heard things laid out with such clarity before. Pretty amazing. She's probably in the lifestyle, but she's coming at the issue backwards instead of just flopping it out there and trying to force the idea of non-monogamy on people...which always works, right? Instead, she's saying, "So this is what individuals need (security/adventure, familiarity/novelty, etc), and this is why people have so much tension in relationships (wanting your partner to be your 'everything'). Leads the listener to their own logical conclusions and asks them to reframe the way they think about relationships and what we expect from them. Suddenly non-monogamy starts looking a little less crazy.

.............. She's probably in the lifestyle, but she's coming at the issue backwards instead of just flopping it out there and trying to force the idea of non-monogamy on people...............

 

You know what assumptions do, right?...I've read practically everything she has written, and no she is not in the lifestyle, but she has tried and succeeded, at shining a new light on the problems of long term commitment for monogamous couples and has brought solutions based on creativity, intelligence and communication. Some people still think sex can be magical with one partner, but it has a lot to do with how you are exposed to it at first, how liberal or not your upbringing is and mostly a lot to do with the quality and quantity of sex and partners you have before trying the great and extremely challenging adventure of monogamy. Hence the 50% rate of failure. You will pardon my English,I am French.

I found the Ted talks fascinating; I purchased her book "Mating in Captivity" immediately after watching them. Although the bulk of the ideas in the book are covered at least briefly in the Ted talks, the couples in therapy with Perel that she uses as examples to back up her points humanizes her theories. Their stories and situations are fascinating and for many of us, will also seem familiar.

 

The wife and I are still in the talking phase regarding the LS and we have each expressed some interest in aspects of it to each other. Perel's book made us think about our relationship on a deeper level than "how do we spice up our fading sex life?" Now we are looking at the root causes of what led us to our present situation. How do we course correct? How do we routinely misunderstand each other? How do we re-establish a dynamic we're both happier with? We now have the foundation and tools to start answering these questions all of which must be answered and answered completely before any foray into the LS.

,

We aren't very far down the river but the toughest part of the early waters to navigate has been getting to the conversations where you talk about the nuts and bolts of your relationship; what works, what could be better, what you may not understand about each other, past experiences sexual or otherwise with a present day effect. The sage advice on these boards prevented us from jumping into waters we were unprepared for, we hadn't had the level of conversations the people on this board whom I've come to trust recommend we have. Esther Perel's book will give you a path to having those conversations, frankly I don't know that we would have found one without it. Perel, at least to me, is essential viewing/reading for new couples considering the LS. Huge thanks to Fundamental Law for steering me toward this valuable resource.