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victoria'dreams

Can not letting the partner play be called love?

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There is that recent annoying thread of a that guy wanting to play around but will not let anyone touch his wife because "he's not a loser". I hear a lot from vanilla male half of a couple that "THEY would like to have a fmf. You ask about mfm and he says that SHE will never want anyone else than him to touch her. SHE is not into that and SHE is happy with one male only in her life. The more you dig, the more it is that the male half of the couple would just never share his wife/girlfriend with another male.

 

Many guys will cheat and be sure the wife/gf remains faithful. When that same guy tells you he loves her to death, somehow I'm always doubting what concept of love is behind. There are definitely degrees of love.

 

I recently had the thought of cheating (only for a few days) but that was because my wife gets to play more than me. Not her fault, just easier to find single guys than it is to find single girls for threesomes. We're working on that :)

 

Long ago, at young age, I cheated. I felt so bad and guilty that I started to think about swinging and open discussions with my ex gf at the time and we found solutions to be equal and just. We had a lot of fun and it is such a great feeling to not have to lie.

 

Can letting yourself have fun but not letting your partner play be called love?

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I don't like the term, "letting your partner play." My wife and I are in this together and neither of us determines whom the other can play with. Trying to dictate who your partner can play with is not love. It's being selfish.

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There is that recent annoying thread of a that guy wanting to play around but will not let anyone touch his wife because "he's not a loser". I hear a lot from vanilla male half of a couple that "THEY would like to have a fmf. You ask about mfm and he says that SHE will never want anyone else than him to touch her. SHE is not into that and SHE is happy with one male only in her life. The more you dig, the more it is that the male half of the couple would just never share his wife/girlfriend with another male.

 

Many guys will cheat and be sure the wife/gf remains faithful. When that same guy tells you he loves her to death, somehow I'm always doubting what concept of love is behind. There are definitely degrees of love.

 

I recently had the thought of cheating (only for a few days) but that was because my wife gets to play more than me. Not her fault, just easier to find single guys than it is to find single girls for threesomes. We're working on that :)

Long ago, at young age, I cheated. I felt so bad and guilty that I started to think about swinging and open discussions with my ex gf at the time and we found solutions to be equal and just. We had a lot of fun and it is such a great feeling to not have to lie.

 

Can letting yourself have fun but not letting your partner play be called love?

 

So there are a LOT of women in the lifestyle that similarly control their men. I have met them in person at lifestyle clubs and have seen them post on the board. You know, the 'I couldn't bear seeing him with another girl' or the 'I just want another girl' phenomena. It's a reality. They go out and have fun and he holds her underwear. Hell if she's having a threesome with myself and the wife I am ok with that. If she's just running around the club flirting with everybody and basking in the attention, I got better things to do with my time.

 

On a similar token I have two long standing friends that have regular affairs on their wives. Frankly, the wives don't give them any love and affection so they go somewhere else to get it. Or the wife uses a lot of other passive aggressive behavior to control and influence the relationship so he reacts by having affairs. There are years spent together, they have children together. This is how they make life work. I have also had friends that have been in similar poor relationships and refused to have affairs. I did it when I got divorced (refused to have affairs), and you know what I regret it. In the end I should have enjoyed the affairs.

 

Unfortunately I do not see anything that idealized. I can appreciate where you are coming from, why be in a relationship that isn't a great one? Well losing saying good night to your kids every night is a pretty good reason.

 

Remember it takes TWO people to have a relationship. It irks me when others place all the blame in one or the other. Impose their morality and rules to what others are doing. I would recommend worrying about your relationship and boundaries and let them worry about theirs.

 

Still good post, exposes a lot of stuff.

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I don't like the term, "letting your partner play." My wife and I are in this together and neither of us determines whom the other can play with. Trying to dictate who your partner can play with is not love. It's being selfish.

 

?

 

I can quote that for us too. My wife and I are in this together and neither of us determines whom the other can play with. Trying to dictate who your partner can play with is not love. It's being selfish.

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I'm going to take a different tack on this. Not letting my wife play with a particular someone most emphatically is love. If I see something that is problematic, not telling her is like letting her run into the fan blades. My wife and I are almost always on the same page regarding play partners, and when we're not we voice it. We are in this together, not as two separate people who can play irregardless of what the other thinks. This has never been an issue though for us as the people we want to play with have always been agreeable to each other. This isn't selfish. This is a deep level of caring, of having my wife's best interests at heart and hers with me, of wanting to ensure we have the best time, the best sex, the best experience.

 

I think men or women who want to play with their spouse's permission, but not let the other spouse play, are control freaks who are extremely selfish and insecure. I find such attitudes repulsive. There are some spouses who really do NOT want to play, but encourage their spouse to play. We've encountered that before. I've no issue with that; to each couple their own. If it works for them, and there is no control/selfish behavior, fine.

 

Tangential; I've seen episodes of "Sister Wives" and "My Five Wives" and I've often wondered how the patriarchs in those families would feel if any of their wives decided to take another husband.

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My last post is wrong. I thought people got me wrong and paste that quote from oc1234 in a rush as I had to go outside.

 

Yes: My wife and I are in this together

No: Neither of us determines whom the other can play with. Trying to dictate who your partner can play with is not love. It's being selfish.

 

bbarnsworth you are right: Not letting my wife play with a particular someone most emphatically is love.

and you are right bbarnsworth and it's why I posted that thread: I think men or women who want to play with their spouse's permission, but not let the other spouse play, are control freaks who are extremely selfish and insecure.

 

kikonkrome I don't think I lose my right to judge other behavior than mine if I don't agree with it. This even if me and my wife are still in research to find the perfect balance about swinging in our lives. We love each others very much and swinging is still a very small parts of our lives/sexuality. Because lately we are changing views and in research of new harmony in swinging, it doesn't mean something is wrong in our couple. I actually believe it is more healthy to always question yourself than to think you are the perfect balance, highly experienced and know it all. I also want to add that I do not impose anything on anyone.

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Both my late wife and I determined (together) with whom we would play.

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Giving your spouse a secure home and the ability to enjoy sexual and romantic variety with others is a love higher than most couples are able to attain. We humans are not monogamous; being able to tame and control one's jealousies and not confine your spouse is itself rewarding.

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Guest sandraandalex
I'm going to take a different tack on this. Not letting my wife play with a particular someone most emphatically is love.

 

There was one time in all my wife's playing that I said," I don't know what reason you have for possibly wanting this guy, but I'm saving you from yourself on this one." We left the party, turned out I was absolutely right about the schmuck, and she thanked me. Oddly enough,never have felt that way ever again. I know we have sex with people that is more about the moment and we'd never want them as 'bowling partners', yet some times the bells, whistles and steam valves are all going off.

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Some women feel that if their husband doesn't get angry when another man flirts with her it means he doesn't care. Some women will provoke a situation to see how their man will respond leading to many bar fights.

 

Some women feel that if their husband wants her to have sex with other men it means he doesn't love her any more and doesn't care. That was how my wife felt when I confessed my fantasy to her. To me it was the opposite. I wanted her to be free to enjoy other men with my blessing. It was like giving her a gift. Both of us. Me for my own selfish reasons. When she reluctantly decided to try it, because she loved me that much and wanted to make me happy and fulfill my fantasy, she loved it! Our first experience couldn't have been more perfect. After that we were both hooked.

 

That is very different than one or the other not "allowing" the other to play. To me that is selfish and is the total opposite of how you would treat someone you love.

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