Boundaries dialog

Ok...the situation is this...

Mr. Hitch and I are dancing and we get approached by a couple. Chemistry is there, we all decide we want to play together.

How do people discuss boundaries?

Anyone want to write a short script or tell me how you personally discuss your boundaries with a new couple?

Thanks!

BTW, this site is amazing. I've spent the last week researching the past topics and reading the manual. Discussion with Mr Hitch has been open, honest, and thrilling really.

You all rock.

We like the direct approach and say, "Hey, our rules/boundaries are __________. What are yours?" Or, "We were wondering what your rules/boundaries are. Ours are ________."

Decide ahead one, at most two, important-to-you boundaries that you would want to put forward. If you whip out a Roman scroll and begin to read a litany of rules, you will scare people.

So far, our only boundaries are condoms for me (Mr. Hitch is V-safe) and don't do anything new with a different partner.

Oh, and 4 way chemistry...

Yeah we go direct, condoms, no anal, etc. Are they full swap, if they are is that what they expect? Public or Private?

Definitely doesn't eliminate all the problems, but better than nothing!!

What do you mean "Don't do anything new with a different partner"? That sounds very confusing because a swing partner can't know what is new for you.

When we decide to play I just say, "What are your rules?" "We use condoms." Usually this occurs as clothes are coming off. I just like to be sure, so I always ask.

The advice about limiting rules to one or two simple things is good. You don't need to say four way connection or no taking one for the team, since if you are starting to get naked something must be going right.

We just use something like "So, what are you interested in?" That way you find out if they are looking for full swap or soft swap, etc. and then when they say what they are going to say, then you reply back with your main rules, and hopefully everything is compatible.

We like the simple approach: "what do you guys like, and what do you not like?" We might have this conversation at the point that we have decided we'd like to play, but before the time that clothes are coming off. This combines the discussion of rules and boundaries with a conversation about what people like, which can be a very sexy warm-up/turn-on!

I must be a dunce-head because I think we've had couples ask us "What are you interested in?" and "What do you guys like?" and I never make the connection that they are asking about rules and boundaries. Instead, it goes over my head and they have to clarify that they want to know about rules.

Why is it we always try to make things harder than they need to be...?

I think the best conversation I've had about boundaries was a woman who just outright said to me in the most matter of fact tone imaginable: "I like giving oral, but I can't do it for long because I have a jaw condition. I really enjoy penetration, but a condom is absolutely required. We can discuss anal after I see you. How do you feel about biting?"

After I picked my jaw up from the floor, I set out my particular preferences (which basically went "Yes, condoms are required. Sure, we can talk about anal. I don't know about biting but I'm game to try it.")

After that, we found a room, got naked and had really good, mutually agreeable sex. This discussion now pretty much serves as my benchmark for a good discussion of boundaries and preferences... clear, up front, honest and above all, dressed. It's really difficult for me to have a good discussion of boundaries when I'm sucking on a woman's nipples (or visa versa).

I think the best conversation I've had about boundaries was a woman who just outright said to me in the most matter of fact tone imaginable: "I like giving oral, but I can't do it for long because I have a jaw condition. I really enjoy penetration, but a condom is absolutely required. We can discuss anal after I see you. How do you feel about biting?"

 

After I picked my jaw up from the floor, I set out my particular preferences (which basically went "Yes, condoms are required. Sure, we can talk about anal. I don't know about biting but I'm game to try it.")

 

After that, we found a room, got naked and had really good, mutually agreeable sex. This discussion now pretty much serves as my benchmark for a good discussion of boundaries and preferences... clear, up front, honest and above all, dressed. It's really difficult for me to have a good discussion of boundaries when I'm sucking on a woman's nipples (or visa versa).

So she was ok giving you a bare bj but needed a condom for sex?

That makes zero sense.

So she was ok giving you a bare bj but needed a condom for sex?

 

That makes zero sense.

Since that describes how the vast majority of swing encounters go, I don't think you'll find much agreement with that conclusion. Is transmission possible for some STD's through oral? Yes. Is it enough of a possibility that most people, on both sides of the equation, are concerned enough to want to use a condom, no. How many people you know in the singles scene don't worry about a condom for oral but will for intercourse? Swingers are no different.

I'll add that this thread is about how to discuss boundaries, not what those boundaries are.

Our only rule was that we'd never make love with another person. The physical things we did were no different but the mind-set surely was!

I'm not sure it was a rule, but we always slept together when the evening's sex was over. Of course, we usually made love then.