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Jealousy - did you have none at all or did you have to work through it to swing?

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One of the most common questions on this site is how to swing if one experiences jealousy. Or you have the other spectrum and there is no jealousy from the start. So, how was it for you? Did you experience jealousy from the beginning and had to work through it on your swinging journey? Did you not experience any jealousy at all? Did you experience jealousy here and there? Or were you not a jealous person prior to swinging but when you did start, it reared its head?

 

For us, Mr. Sun had some little pangs here and there. Before we even started to swing, I was a very jealous person. I have had to work through it and sometimes still have to.

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I can honestly say I have never felt even the first pang of jealousy. But, I'm never really jealous over anything. I was curious how I would react since there is a big difference between someone having sex with your spouse and someone whose car is newer and nicer than yours, but it didn't matter, same lack of jealousy. As long as she's happy and having fun, then that's all I care about. I know she's going home with me that night, I know she loves me, and I know that our relationship isn't built on sex. Given all of those things, even less reason to be jealous.

 

Speaking for her, she has said there were a few occasional mild pangs early on. Once we passed the swinging together test though and found out it could work well for us, those went away.

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I can honestly say I have never felt even the first pang of jealousy. But, I'm never really jealous over anything. I was curious how I would react since there is a big difference between someone having sex with your spouse and someone whose car is newer and nicer than yours, but it didn't matter, same lack of jealousy. As long as she's happy and having fun, then that's all I care about. I know she's going home with me that night, I know she loves me, and I know that our relationship isn't built on sex. Given all of those things, even less reason to be jealous.

 

Speaking for her, she has said there were a few occasional mild pangs early on. Once we passed the swinging together test though and found out it could work well for us, those went away.

 

I am just now bringing up the subject of going to a swingers club. The jealousy on both parts is what I am worried about

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I think i'm quite jealous or at least I used to be when I first met Mr G and then I think I got over it. It cropped up again when we started the LS but not so much now. If I have those feelings of fear then I just don't go there. It's a sign for me that the times not right or maybe we're not a good match. I'm not afraid to say no. If the chemistry is right for everyone then only the flow remains. I find!

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Our first few events were MFM and so I obviously felt no jealousy there, just wondered why hubby enjoyed them seemingly as much as me. Then we moved to couple swaps. First one or two were fine but then we had one, side-by-side in the play room at a club. I had "picked" the couple, actually the guy part of the couple but there we were, hubby has going through this extended orgasm and her guy is trying his best with a semi-soft, somewhat small dick. It just wasn't doing it for me; I was definitely jealous.

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We are at the moment thinking about going to a swingers club. I am more interested in me participating and my husband just watching. How do I get where I am ok with him participating?

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My wife was involved in swinging with her ex husband before we met so of course the subject came up from time to time. I've always been somewhat possessive and jealous by nature so I never considered swinging as a good idea in the 10 years we discussed it. However, with the help of this board, doing a lot of self evaluation and changing my way of thinking I have never had any jealousy issues what so ever. What helped me the most was understanding jealousy is an irrational fear. Once you realize that it is a fear it can be overcome just like any other. The fear is you are going to lose your partner to another because they are giving them something you're not. In a solid relationship (must have) you are with your partner because you love each other. You're also best friends, parents, confidants, care takers, protectors, etc... Is a different lover going to take that away. Absolutely not! So I guess in a nut shell I would say address the fear logically and you can quickly see theirs no basis for it. Truthfully, once I figured this out I felt like a a weight was taken off my shoulders and I got rid of some stupid crap that I have been carrying around for a long time. I never thought that my relationship with my wife could ever be better than it was but, swinging has made it even stronger in many ways. Go figure...

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We never had jealousy feelings, even before we tried our first steps in swinging. We were confident to tell each other what people we liked to see, always made jokes about handsome men or sexy looking girls. Plus I have always enjoyed to see how men react to MsDiscover (she is very, very beautiful) and how she turns heads. And during our first very small steps in the LS, it was not different. There was and is definitely a complex mix of feelings now we are learning and experimenting, but jealousy is still not one of them.

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I had fantasized for a long time about watching my wife having sex with another man. I was prepared to watch them fucking but I wasn't prepared to watch them making love. It was hard to watch her kissing him very enthusiastically and passionately as they fucked.

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I found the exact same thing to be true in our first experience in the LS. The sight of Angel kissing a man passionately and hungrily was more disconcerting (and jealousy evoking) to me than watching her fuck him. The combination of her fucking him and lustful kissing him was amazingly hot and horrible. There's a thread around here somewhere that talks about jealousy and why people seem to enjoy it..... At least why people continue in the LS despite feelings of jealousy. The feeling was likened to fear of rollercoaster... You feel exhilarated by the fear, and it's a huge rush... And you ask to ride again. I feel that now very convincingly... The jealous burn that I feel when watching Angel with a man is positive for me.... Very exhilarating. And my rational mind has no resentment or misgivings; I trust her completely and totally, and it's just part of the rush for me. As for her, she States that she has no feelings of jealousy whatsoever; more compersion if anything.

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M1F2KTJ said:
.... It was hard to watch her kissing him very enthusiastically and passionately as they fucked.

Funny that swinging couples are not only OK with fucking, but that oral sex (blow jobs and pussy licking) are seen as only slightly above shaking hands - but mouth-to-mouth kissing raises all kinds of emotions. In our poly situation it's even more intense, Clair and Lora exchange "I love you"s with my husband as well, and Clair has a child with hubby. The rational side of me, however, finds this both flattering and reassuring that hubby has other women to take care of him when or if I cannot.

 

 

AngelandTiger said:
... The sight of Angel kissing a man passionately and hungrily was more disconcerting (and jealousy evoking) to me than watching her fuck him. The combination of her fucking him and lustful kissing him was amazingly hot and horrible. There's a thread around here somewhere that talks about jealousy and why people seem to enjoy it..... At least why people continue in the LS despite feelings of jealousy. The feeling was likened to fear of rollercoaster... You feel exhilarated by the fear, and it's a huge rush... And you ask to ride again..

 

I think I can take credit for that long-ago analogy back when I was newly suffering from jealousy (my non-monogamy started several years before I let hubby play). One is rational before you get on the roller coaster and rational afterwards, but during... that#s another story. I've also analogized it to the burn that I feel during a good run or other hard workout. It hurts, sometimes really bad. But the more it hurts the better you feel, and feel about yourself, afterwards. One difference between the early days and now, which I see as a good sign, is that I used to rely upon the fact that if I were to ever tell hubby to stop, he would. (I arranged all of his "dates" anyway.) Now that we are a poly family I have no illusions that he would or could cut it off with Clair (especially since they share a child) or Lora. But now I am very happy and contented with that situation. Oh, and with Red, my boyfriend? It has never been an issue for hubby, he doesn't have a jealous bone in his body; and I have no jealousy with Red and Lora for whatever reason.

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couplers said:
Funny that swinging couples are not only OK with fucking, but that oral sex (blow jobs and pussy licking) are seen as only slightly above shaking hands - but mouth-to-mouth kissing raises all kinds of emotions.

 

Well, please don't swipe every swinger on one heap here. My wife & I definitely don't think that way and do think kissing and oral sex is way more intimate then fucking. There are far more scales than the above, see this thread: Which is more intimate: Vaginal Sex or Oral Sex?

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Jealousy is a monster I've never had any personal experience with. I have been on the other side with jealous boyfriends or partners, but where swinging has come into play it seems that my partner's have had more jealousy about imbalanced attention (me getting more attention than they do) than jealousy directed at me, which is good.

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It's interesting that the term jealousy (and labels such as "green-eyed monster") is used without definition. Jealousy is not quite the same as envy. Both are complex emotions and have somewhat different origins. In fact, both crop up in the LS and it's worth recognizing the underlying fears.

 

Jealousy is often tied into fear of loss (of partner to another), sense of betrayal, uncertainty and even loneliness.

 

Envy is often tied into fear of inadequacy/inferiority and simultaneous resentment of some other person even while trying to assume some of their characteristics.

 

The opposite of jealousy is compersion, i.e. finding joy when your partner finds pleasure with whomever. Shifting the balance from jealousy to compersion requires a firm and maybe unshakeable belief in the durability of the partnership--knowing that s/he is the object of true and unshakeable love. That's a key conversation to have early and often in the LS--what is unshakeable and how perceived risks are going to be managed. Actions need to reinforce that conversation.

 

The opposite of envy is contentedness. In the LS, it is a blend of self-confidence and self-acceptance. In any collection of persons, there will always be someone else who is (choose one or more): taller, slimmer, firmer, flatter, bigger breasts, perkier breasts, tighter pussy, cums faster, cums slower, longer cock, thicker cock, more stamina, more responsiveness, deeper eyes, better kisser,... We are also attracted to different-from-what-we-already-have. That self-confidence and self-acceptance comes from within but within a partnership/marriage benefits from strong, regular, heartfelt reinforcement. Each of us has imperfections. We are often our own harshest critics. That can easily get magnified in an asymmetric swinging situation, especially where one partner has found a playmate and the other is not finding the chemistry/sparks.

 

Drama -- there's lots of it in the LS--is most likely to ensue where envy and jealousy start feeding off of one another: a feeling of envy towards a rival can significantly intensify the experience of jealousy.Sort of like gasoline and a match.

 

Perhaps there is a strategy for couples to deal with the these complex emotions. First, there has to be a willingness to be vulnerable--to be able to say "I am afraid". Second, there has to be a willingness to accept imperfections and even celebrate them. Those can be acknowledged and practiced outside of the LS. We would argue that they are foundational to a strong relationship. Being able to say "I am afraid of loss/abandonment or I am afraid of being inadequate" are essential first steps to dealing with jealousy and envy, respectively. As for imperfections, we all have them. We all acquire more. Some are physical, some are emotional, some are spiritual. Some are repairable, some are worth addressing. Those that are both are worth working on. Those that irreparable or insignificant must be accepted, and it's up to each of us how graceful we want to be about it.

 

As an aside, it's worth thinking about the age-old question, "How do I get my spouse interested in the LS?" Perhaps the better question is "how do we prepare our relationship for these negative and complicated emotions?" Once those emotions are honestly addressed, it's much easier talking and taking the LS adventure.

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The male half here. Our first swinger experience was an MFM. Sue when at it with full embrace. I was fine during the get undress stage, her alternating sucking each of us, him going down on her while she continued to suck me but have to admit that when he started fucking her, and her obviously enjoying it all, I felt jealousy and questioned, why are we here. But, afterwards, when I saw how much she enjoyed it and wanted to try it again, the rewards outweighed those brief thoughts and the thoughts really weren't there the second or third time.

 

Perhaps the thing that surprised me more is when we invited this very nice, younger guy who was about 6'6" to join us. It was at a nudist area, we had seen his naked dick and it didn't seem any bigger than mine. But, then when she started sucking it, it grew like Pinoccheio's nose which very apparently increase her excitement and enthusiasm. Sue had always said size didn't matter but she pulled her lips away from it and said, "I want you to fuck me with it." It was large enough that she cautioned him, "Be gentle, go slowly, you're so big and I'm a small girl." He eased it in, him on top, her on bottom. She gasped. He move it back and forth a few times and then slid it in all of the way, she gasped again. A few more times and now her legs wrapped around the back of his thighs and her hips thrusting up hard against his. She was controlling the tempo and wanted it hard. I had never seen her do it quite like that. Interesting that in this situation I didn't feel jealousy at all but rather some type of appreciation of how her body responded to this monster dick.

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MrDiscover said:
Well, please don't swipe every swinger on one heap here. My wife & I definitely don't think that way and do think kissing and oral sex is way more intimate then fucking. There are far more scales than the above, see this thread: Which is more intimate: Vaginal Sex or Oral Sex?

 

I read the other post and I agree with you. I should never have generalized as I did. What I should have said was that I am surprised that for some people "oral sex (blow jobs and pussy licking) are seen as only slightly above shaking hands."

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... In our poly situation it's (kissing is) even more intense, Clair and Lora exchange "I love you"s with my husband as well, and Clair has a child with hubby. The rational side of me, however, finds this both flattering and reassuring...

 

When hubby is having sex with Clair or Lora, the kissing and "I love you"s do not have the same effect on me as they do when it is at a more mundane time. If one of them is leaving the house and tells the other "I love you" and they exchange kisses, it is about love, not sex. I have learned to deal with it by adding my "I love you" and giving a kiss as well, but to her, not hubby. It reminds me - how could I not love a woman that loves my husband, and him in return?

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I was jealous a long time ago at a 3some of men before the guy I was jealous of very kindly came over and worked on me at the end and it was awful till then I must admit that but when I kept coming across the 3rd man in the street years later and him just passing me by I did get the sense I had to keep quiet about it as it was love that did not dare speak its name in those days really. But times are different now, I have transitioned to doing shemale videochat, and did have to learn once that jealousy is only the first sign of appreciation. Once consumated so to speak it soon evaporates.....................

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When we were first married, I was insanely jealous. I think it's because I was young, vain and our relationship wasn't anywhere NEAR as intimate as it is now. That seems to be the secret: intimacy. If you are not emotionally intimate, you don't know where you stand with one another. If you don't know where you stand, it's easy to let your imagination get away with you. When that happens, you see bigger dicks/wallets and tighter pussies/firmer tits/tinier waists lurking around every corner, just waiting to lure your partner away from you. But once you know your partner's mind, you can laugh at these ne'er-do-wells' attempts to drive a wedge between you. The idea of another woman cornering me in the bathroom telling me she's going to fuck my husband so good he'd leave me for her, would prompt me to play her for the fool she was. "Oh no, don't do that!" The result? My husband gets an invigorating, energetic fuck, and we both get a laugh. On second thought, I wouldn't do that to him. If she's got that little integrity, God knows what she's got lurking in those panties, but we don't want it. My guess is those panties didn't start out crotchless.

 

Anyway, all I can say is I don't own my husband. I love that we're independent individuals who choose to be together. I think it's a huge turn-on that he's attracted to and attractive to other women. It reminds me to consider myself lucky to have him.

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I have just realized what I wrote was wrong. I was jealous of one of the guys getting fuked who then fuked me but the other guy never did, which must explain why it was always a bit unpleasant meeting him in the street. Maybe if both had fuked me life would have been better. But it was nice to get one working over me anyway............

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