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Hubby is overweight. He is 6'3" and about 280#. He said last night I would have a better chance swinging without him which I am not interested in. I am bi-curious. I have responded to 3 ads on lifestyles and no one has wrote back. Do we have to have paid membership to get messages?

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If your husband is self conscious about his weight, or concerned that it is holding you both back in swinging, is he open to doing something to bring his weight down? I'm not saying that is what is actually holding you back, but if he is self conscious about it, that will come across for sure. There are people of all shapes and sizes swinging.

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Susan here-- My husband has always been challenged regarding weight. Between the three food groups in the American diet being sugar, salt and fat, it's no wonder the problems exist. He just simply realized that there were a lot of things he simply couldn't eat anymore, or at least not eat much of. A few simple changes in eating, calories and exercise do make a world of difference. And, frankly, you have to make the time and it's a real pain in the ass.

 

That being said, if he has not been to the Doctor in a while , some advice may be good. Yet, in my opinion, I do not recommend being medicated for weight loss, too many side effects for me. Lastly, allow time to take off the weight. It didn't get their overnight, it won't depart that way either.

 

And, lastly, the journey is much more fun when taken together.

 

For me: Well, I swim a mile five times a week, yoga class a couple of times and about half hour in the weight room three times a week. I also watch what I eat, yet I'm not obsessive about it. On the one hand I can relate to Sandra Bullock when she says,"I'd like a cheeseburger now," on the other hand there are massive upsides that are great to have. No matter what, there's no perfect solution and it's not easy.

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From a physician and surgeon...

 

Edison (Susan) Carter makes a strong and cogent argument: the central issue is not swinging but rather a change in the way you live. The extra weight is a health issue for your relationship on many levels, but can be faced and managed together.

 

It is a truism that diet and exercise are important. Diet is more important than exercise in weight management. It is important that he see a qualified physician for several reasons--to exclude diabetes and other endocrine problems and to make sure that a variety of things (starting with heart rate and blood pressure) are checked.

 

I would add one thing to Susan's comments. She is absolutely on target describing the American diet. Many Americans find that even changing diet cannot readily reverse the metabolic changes that have beset them. While not an advocate of casual decisions regarding surgery, bona fide changes in eating and exercise habits that do not culminate in weight change can be made more effective with metabolic (bariatric) surgery. PM me if you want advice/information. I do not do these procedures but know folks in most areas of the USA who I trust to do them.

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His concern is more that no one will want us, because he is larger. He has tried losing weight, it is just slow for him. Most of the couples with someone my size or smaller the male is 60+# lighter than him.

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The most important thing to remember is that it is diet diet diet. I lost my weight with no exercise, simply a better diet, and then decided to exercise once I lost the weight.

 

Exercise makes losing weight easier when you increase your muscle mass, but 500 less calories a day makes a bigger difference.

 

While one SHOULD see their doctor, there is nothing wrong with starting to eat healthy before. I think a lot of people hear the warning about seeing a doctor first, and then don't do anything at all since they dont' want to take the time/effort/fear/embarrassment of seeing their doctor.

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his concern is more that no one will want us, because he is larger. he has tried losing weight its just slow for him. most of the couples with someone my size or smaller the male is 60+# lighter then him.

 

It is often surprising how fast someone will lose weight when they follow the advice of a qualified nutritionist, qualified personal trainer and their doctor. Two good friends of mine are a nutritionist and a personal trainer. They both have many cases of people who have come to them with life long weight problems that saw drastic and amazing changes in their bodies within 6 months to a year. Not to say they became Mens Health models in that timeframe, but major and noticeable changes in their bodies.

 

If he has the desire, seeks out the information and follows through on taking action he will see great improvements. Unless he has an actual medical issue causing his problems. If that is the case then seeing the doctor should help as those problems need to be discovered and resolved!

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Do we have to have paid membership to get messages?

 

No you don't. But.... you will be taken more seriously if you are a paid member.

 

Regarding the weight issue: Like everyone else has stated, there are plenty of people out there that are overweight. Diet is very important, I have to agree. Then there is a genetics issue that we often fight. I too need to diet... and exercise. (I hate that word) :) Good luck!!

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Dieting stinks!!! I wasn't until this year that I ever had to watch what I ate. For more than 40 years I eat everything and anything I wanted....this year it caught up with me a bit. My clothes still fit they just fit differently. That being said some simple changes can be very helpful as you ease into a more healthy lifestyle.

 

Explore new recipes for old favorites, lots of them have been changed to contain less fat.

Change to a smaller dinner plate........trick yourself into eating less by having a full plate.

Stop eating when you feel full....most of us were taught to finish our plates.

Plate your own meals at home.....a prepared plate may actually hold more than you'd serve yourself.

Eat SLOWLY with no distractions like TV, newspapers etc.

Don't try to give up everything you like.......want a big old hamburger? Great but skip the Fries and have a small salad. Allowing yourself 1 treat and a side of something healthy is the rule.

Are desserts your weakness......occasionally skip a full meal and just go for the dessert.

Chocolate.............got to love the mini versions...eat JUST 1.

Trade the ice cream for lowfat vanilla yogurt with fresh/frozen berries and a teaspoon of granola.

Drink a lot of water , if you feel hungry drink a glass of water first. Sometimes we mistake hunger for thirst.

Hide the "fat foods/junk" behind the good stuff . Keep healthier snacks close at hand.

Never wait to eat until you're starving....5 small meals a day are much healthier then 3 regular meals.

Increase your exercise by parking as far from the building as possible, take a walk ,swim or bike daily. Sex too burns calories...indulge daily!

Keep in mind the most of the population is overweight, you are not alone................Swingers too.

Good Luck

 

Mrs Sav

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tazabear said:
His concern is more that no one will want us, because he is larger. He has tried losing weight its just slow for him. most of the couples with someone my size or smaller the male is 60+# lighter than him.

 

I think there is something to be said for feeling comfortable in ones, own skin. Sure, we all want to work on self improvement, and actually I'm taking serious what others have said about diets and exercise. But the truth is, don't let that stop you from applying yourself in your local swinging community. There will always be folks shorter, taller, thinner, heavier. But its really a matter of finding that chemistry we all talk about. Sometimes that takes being thick skinned enough to accept ourselves for not only what we are, but who we are...

 

Don't let issues like size or weight, stop you from pursuing something really special. Going out and meeting people, knowing we all have faults, with our partners support, is more along the lines of what it really takes to get out there and have fun.

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I second the paid member thing.

 

When we first signed up we were freebies, and while we did get some messages, the limits they put on freebies was a bit constricting (5 views a day and so on).

 

After we signed up, we realized how many people must have freebies filtered out of their view, because we could see way more people than we could before.

 

And we definitely noticed a slant against freebies, and to be honest, I don't blame people who are slanted against freebies.

 

On the other question, weight will have an effect, and most definitely will be a detrimental effect if a person is lacking in confidence due to it.

When you are looking online, weight/looks plays a larger part of the thought process than they do in person. In person your personality can overcome some issues, but online it's very difficult. Sucks, but that is how it is.

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LFM2 said:
No you don't. But.... you will be taken more seriously if you are a paid member.

 

I was wondering how did LFM2 know your profile was the "free" kind. So I went to SwingLifeStyle and did a search on tazabear. Your profile is only a few days old. Nobody should expect instant results from any swingers' make-contacts Web site. SwingLifeStyle is the best but we have gone as long a six months without an earnest inquiry. We have, none-the-less, made contact there with many worthwhile people. Don't be discouraged by the initial lack of success.

 

OK, now. Sit down for this. But I hope you find wisdom in it. If we received a message from a profile and saw that (1) the membership was free (2) no pictures were attached (3) there were only seven lines of personal descriptions (4) the interest level bars all showed near-zero, the message would go immediately onto the "ignore" list no matter how attractive the offer might read. Your chances will be much improved if you add some usable information to your profile.

 

As for the weight issues, the big and tall men might not be the first guys JoAnn notices at a party but she has learned to not dismiss them. One in particular, to whom she was not at first attracted, she now describes as "really incredible in bed" and does not hesitate to tell this to the other girls.

 

Don't give up.

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If 6'3" and 280lbs is big, then I'm right behind him. at 6'3" and 279 at my last doc app.

 

Yes we all could lose 50lbs or so. but like myself. I prefer a girl with a little meat on her. If I want a broom stick, I'll go to the closet... not taking anything away from the skinny girls, I just like a little fat on my steak.

 

As for the I'm too big... have you been to a club? Have a look around... we are not all move stars. and I think most of us are not going to be in vogue. But that's just me.

 

Sorry if I offended anyone...

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I think the issue here isn't ....

 

"Can a guy who is 6'1" 280 find swing partners?"

 

I think the issue is how easy is it for a 'mismatched' couple to find swing partners.

 

We once had a poster here, single female, who said she was a BBW, but also only would play with thin men. If one member of the couple is in much better shape, or even a much different age, then its going to be difficult to find couples 'like you' unless someone is willing to give.

 

If the husband doesn't mind swinging with heavier women, and the wife doesn't mind men like her husband, they should be fine. But if her husband only wants women like his wife or if the wife only wants really fit men, their will be a very hard time finding partners.

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Well said Chicup! Lord knows there's a lot of diversity and disparity in couples both in the lifestyle and out. Thankfully that means there's something for everyone.

 

I agree on creating a profile that reflects who you are, that is filled out in detail and has been run through Spell Check. Many many people block "free" profiles as well as profiles with no photos and pay zero attention to a profile with just the basics filled in. Remember you get one chance to make a first impression.

 

Take the time to read as many profiles as you can and let that help you when creating your own. I am not suggesting "copying" but if you're struggling to write try make notes of things you read that others say and tailor that to represent who YOU are.

 

In searching profiles read them carefully, before writing be sure they suit your needs and that you both meet any expectations they have as well.

SLS also has many groups for support, advice and specific preferences...get involved.

 

Check out local parties and meet/greets ...if you can't wow them on paper dazzle them in person...if nothing else you'll make a bunch of like minded friends.

 

Mrs Sav

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I am the male half, and I can relate to how your guy feels. I am 5 11 and did weight 280. I felt like shit, had knee problems, etc. My wife is 5 4 and 120, good body shape.

 

We have been off and on swingers for 5 years or so. I didn't want to do it, because I felt horrible. Very depressing for sure.

 

So last year I decided to try Weight Watchers. I joined and didn't tell my wife, because if I failed, I didn't want to have to tell her.

 

I was surprised, it did work. I have been on the plan for 13 months and have lost 60 pounds. I don't go hungry, and pretty much maintain my lifestyle, just make better choices..as others have mentioned.

 

I know there are other plans that work for different people, but this works for me.

 

Just trying to let him know there is hope.

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Chris&Suzanne said:

So last year I decided to try Weight Watchers. I joined and didn't tell my wife, because if I failed, I didn't want to have to tell her.

 

Weight Watchers is proven to be one of the best plans out there. It's well rounded and healthy. It's not hard to stick to, either... which is part of their success.

 

Good for you!!

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I lost close to 100 pounds on WW 9 years ago with the help of a gym. Loved the program :) I plan on going back when baby arrives!

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tazabear said:
His concern is more that no one will want us, because he is larger. He has tried losing weight, it is just slow for him. Most of the couples with someone my size or smaller the male is 60+# lighter than him.

 

Spend 6 hours at any club, M&G or dinner with another couple talking about your new diets or your workout schedule and debating which ones are the best and telling others what they need to do, without being a dietitian or personal trainer...  and you are pretty much going home, without playing with anyone.

 

Spend 2 hours talking about sexual comfort, likes and dislikes, the attractiveness you find with your potential playmates with a few points of humor..... Well, if you don't hook up that night, you'll at least be on someone's dance card. Expect a call or follow up e-mail ;)

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Great post fun4ds. On health and fitness forums we call that nutrition wanking, and that is most definitely going to result in going home alone. It's not quite as bad as arguing about politics, but for most folks it borders on the obsessive and not in a pleasurable way.

 

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On the flip side I learned about body for life at a swing club and that's what got Mrs. Chicup and myself going a few years ago. It started her working out 5-6 days a week and that hasn't changed, so not all nutrition wanking is bad :)

 

Really I think it is when fitness becomes a hobby you want to talk about it much like you would your golf game, or your garden. Its of course a bore for anyone who doesn't share your hobby and a bit worse since it might make them feel self conscious about themselves.

 

If you are both into it, it is just a topic of conversation. When we were at a club, both Mrs. Chicup and myself were heavier than we wanted to be. We started talking to a couple, I mentioned we had started finally going to the gym, he mentioned he was doing body for life and that I should try it, I asked what that was and it worked out pretty well.

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Great point, Chicup. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Many people after meeting others in real life through the lifestyle, make a decision for self improvement. It is and can be a catalyst to weight loss, or any self improvement for that matter. Just as many, don't though. By thinking we wouldn't have fit in until we lost weight, or Mrsfun's hot and I'm not, would have lead to a long time of procrastination. We would probably have never made it out.... We promote to many, who think they aren't good enough, to just get out there and try it.

 

 

MN Tom said:
Great post fun4ds. On health and fitness forums we call that nutrition wanking, and that is most definitely going to result in going home alone. It's not quite as bad as arguing about politics, but for most folks it borders on the obsessive and not in a pleasurable way.

 

Thank you, Just trying to give the op some advice in regards to what we find in the real world of swinging. Will there be petite women with large men? Sure! Actually, vice versa as well. So many people are mislead when starting out, that they don't meet the requirements of what we see in the banner ads or porno. Again, we have seen so many variations of mix matched couples that really have allot of fun at the parties and clubs. In fact, sometimes their the life of the party :)

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I also want to reassure your hubby... YOUR LACK OF MESSAGES IS IN NO WAY BECAUSE OF YOUR WEIGHT! I was worried about the same thing when we started our profile. We are a plus sized couple. I am over 200 pounds and he is over 300 pounds. It's about attitude and whether or not you think of yourself as sexy. We have tweaked our profile since, the more appealing your profile is, the more responses you get. Add photos, add a more detailed description of yourselves and what you are looking for. We have face pics but they are set for friends only, so people have to be in our network to view them. We have also found that by doing that and increasing our friends network it has also increased our views. Hope this helps!

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Actually, I have to point out that your husband's attitude about his excessive weight will be a much bigger stumbling block to hooking up with others than what he actually weighs. The fact of the matter is that everyone has different tastes in what they find sexually attractive, but one of the most common universal turn-offs, for all but the very desperate, is someone with a low, or poor, self image.

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