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In reading other threads I often see people say that because of the lifestyle they take better care of their bodies, go to greater extent to stay in shape, etc. Whenever I see this I can't help but think "why didn't you do that for your spouse? or for yourself?" Why did it take swinging to make you want to take better care of your body? And what is it about swinging that makes you want to do so?

 

I think it's fairly common that people take better care of themselves when they are single and therefore trying to attract potential partners. Too often when we get comfortable in a relationship we take those things for granted... as women we may stop butting so much effort into making sure we have makeup on before we leave the house or for all of us making sure our clothes are just right. So I can see how we get to the point that we don't do what we should to present ourselves, but what is about swinging that changes that?

 

And beyond that, if your partner is one of those that has started making more of an effort to present themselves since you've started pursuing swinging, how does that make you feel? Do you ever feel jealous that they didn't make that effort for you but now they are willing to for others?

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We did the same thing. After 5 years of marriage I fell into the rut where I didn't do my makeup and just pulled my hair back for everyday wear. The only time I really did my makeup was when I was going out, and even then it was for really going out, not trips to Walmart grocery shopping or anything.

 

When we began swinging, I started to pay more attention to how I looked leaving the house. Hubby asked me why, and it took me some time to figure out, its because we are swingers now, and it made me more "self-conscious" when I went out. It did kind of raise the question with us, "Why didn't you do it just for me?" It took some time for me to answer that. As hard as it was to tell him my answer was, "We are married, you love me with or without makeup, so I didn't feel the need. I was wrong. I should want to look my best for YOU first, others second."

 

So now, I take that extra few minutes to make myself prettied up for him. I get up everyday and do my hair and makeup now, not because I am going somewhere, but because he might stop by for lunch. Now, he feels like I am doing it for him, but in reality I am doing it for me now. I want to be at my best for him. I want him to come in and tell me how beautiful I am, and how much he appreciates the little things I do.

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Interesting comment Julie.

 

Why wouldn't you take care of yourself, just for yourself or as Julie also stated for your SO.

 

I stopped taking care of myself when I was married because I was treated badly and I was miserable. But I don't think that is the case with the people here who have said that.

 

Perhaps when getting into swinging there is a spark that is relit. I know I started to carry myself differently. Not taking better care of myself, just feeling different about myself. Hard to put into words I guess.

 

Your spouse or SO loves you in spite of flaws. This is what makes people content.

 

But others you don't know or are meeting for the first time will often make a decision off of first impressions. Therefore you want to be the best you that you can be.

 

I don't know really, just trying out my thoughts and see what flys. :o

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It is pretty simple really... Unconditional love is not a part of swinging.

 

If Mrs Spoo lost her incredible figure, I would still love her madly/blindly. I am in love with who she is through and through and nothing on the outside can change that. On top of that, I am convinced that she has the same love for me. It is important to stay healthy for her - but a part of me realizes that if I am not perfect, she loves me anyway.

 

And in a marriage like that - it is easy to get comfortable - and, sadly, somewhat sloppy. It isn't a great reason, but it does happen. I am beyond impressing her with my "outer attributes"; in the words of Prince, "She Loves Me For Me."

 

Swinging doesn't have that. People don't LOVE you - they lust for you... They might very well like you - but up front that is hardly important. They are hot for you - they dig you - they want you. That is all the consideration you get in most cases. So - the package is often more important than the contents.

 

Say what we want about personalities - if there is not some sort of physical attraction the best you are going to get is stimulating conversation. They don't care that your back hurts so you can't exercise or that you have a cute little weakness for chocolate - all they care about is do you trip their trigger...

 

With that sort of "pressure" - in that sort of environment - your body is your tool. You either bring your "A" game or you settle for "the best you can get." Personally, I enjoy the game - and just like the NFL has a training camp; and in training camp champions are made - swinging has plenty of incentive to "hot up". Sometimes, one more hour on the treadmill is the difference between you going to a room or the other guy going. ;)

 

I know this sounds very shallow - and maybe it is - but the sex in swinging often is fairly shallow, very surface - based on the most basic attractions and urges. Friendship - as much as we sincerely desire it - is rare. We learned this lesson early. It is not often that someone wants to sit down and find out that you are a fascinating conversationalist - they want to find people to play with.

 

If that chemistry happens - good for us! Beyond that is just the bonus; the icing on the cake. And it just doesn't happen in swinging without first wadding into the shallow end...

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In answering the OP by Julie...

I have always been a "girlie girl". The one who does her hair, make up all that stuff. I don't necessarily do it more now, I'm one that wears make up to go to HEB to get groceries lol. But I look at it like this. When we show up to meet a couple I do expect them to look and smell decent. If I were to walk in and see someone sitting there in a holy tee shirt, and raggedy jeans I would be pretty put off lol. Now, if we know them well and we are just chilling out at the house, no prob. But that initial meeting? Okay, I expect to be met with a clean, nice smelling couple. We are clean and nice smelling pretty much all of the time. I even took anti bacterial soap with us camping! lol

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This is a brilliant question, with brilliant answers so far! I've loved all of these answers posted.

 

I think it's fairly common that people take better care of themselves when they are single and therefore trying to attract potential partners. Too often when we get comfortable in a relationship we take those things for granted... as women we may stop butting so much effort into making sure we have makeup on before we leave the house or for all of us making sure our clothes are just right.

 

I agree with you, it's mostly common that people get comfortable (lazy) after marriage because the pursuit is off, they got who they're with, they're accepted. It's not a good way to think, and it can be dangerous. We should all be "wooed" and "wooing" on a daily basis, if we want our marriages to stay hot. All of us want to be proud of how our spouse takes care of his or herself, we want to be proud to be on their arm. It may be shallow, but I still want to be physically attracted to him. Yes, I adore him, but I want to be visually turned-on by him, too. I want him to dress well when we're out together, be well-groomed, etc. Sexual attraction, in love or not, is always going to be at least partly based on physical attraction.

 

I think it's fairly common that people take better care of themselves when they are single and therefore trying to attract potential partners.

 

I'm kind of odd in this department. For some reason, I've always been at my best IN relationships, when I'm really loved. The more loved I feel, the more I want to look good, and the better I take care of myself. I've kept in my best shape when I'm loved and having a great sex life, not when I was lonely and single. Weird, I know! LOL By the time we started discussing swinging in our marriage, I was looking better already than I did when we were still dating.

 

And beyond that, if your partner is one of those that has started making more of an effort to present themselves since you've started pursuing swinging, how does that make you feel? Do you ever feel jealous that they didn't make that effort for you but now they are willing to for others?

 

If my husband had been a slob, but after starting swinging he finally cleaned up his act, started dressing and grooming better and working out, I'm pretty sure I'd be very peeved that he did it for all of "them", but not for me! ;)

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Tybee Swing said:
I agree with you, it's mostly common that people get comfortable (lazy) after marriage because the pursuit is off, they got who they're with, they're accepted. It's not a good way to think, and it can be dangerous. We should all be "wooed" and "wooing" on a daily basis, if we want our marriages to stay hot. All of us want to be proud of how our spouse takes care of his or herself, we want to be proud to be on their arm. It may be shallow, but I still want to be physically attracted to him. Yes, I adore him, but I want to be visually turned-on by him, too. I want him to dress well when we're out together, be well-groomed, etc. Sexual attraction, in love or not, is always going to be at least partly based on physical attraction.

 

If my husband had been a slob, but after starting swinging he finally cleaned up his act, started dressing and grooming better and working out, I'm pretty sure I'd be very peeved that he did it for all of "them", but not for me! ;)

 

I'm with you. One of the things that has peeved me in past relationships is when a guy gets so comfortable that he will crawl into bed stinky or sweaty. Hello! I don't want to sleep next to you smelling your BO! Or when a guy is so comfortable that he will go out in public with you in a ripped up dirty shirt and sweat pants . UM NO! I don't think so. So basically what it comes down to with me is yes Love is unconditional and I'm not going to stop loving him for doing those things but it would piss me off and it would piss me off even more if he didn't make those efforts FOR ME but he would for some stranger.

 

And I think I would feel pretty shitty if it were pointed out to me that I had let things fall by the wayside as far as making an effort to look good for HIM, but the times I would go out of my way were when we were meeting strangers to potentially have sex with.

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Thought provoking thread...

 

In our circumstance, we did fall into the rut as to not looking our best for each others, etc., complete with a significant weight gain for both of us. I'd definitely say that was the "we like each other for what we are" school of thought.

 

At some point, we both got tired of looking like crap (and we did look pretty bad), and wanted better for each other. We dropped the weight, I started to dress better and differently (colors/not baggy) and wear makeup and accessories as I see fit, etc. We started this, however, before we looked into swinging. It may have very well been a trigger to consider swinging. We looked better, carried ourselves differently, and people paid attention to us differently, and that may have given us the confidence to consider swinging.

 

I'd say that 90% of the time, how we typically dress/look for each other is how we dress when going out in public. The other 10% is a split between dressing up for the club (which you really can't do in real life, except in the bedroom) or that 2 or 3 hours on a weekend morning that I'm not going to get out of my sweats and ponytail until I'm good and ready, thankyouverymuch.

 

In any case, I've come to the conclusion that if my spouse likes my "normal" look, perhaps others will too, so I don't "change" it up, except for perhaps going to the club. But it took a transformation of sorts to get there, and the transformation began as something for the two of us, and now that's displayed/shared with others, not vice versa.

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I agree with all said. I say it like this. I work at an office where we are the administrative side....no doctors on site (thank God!). So, we have an extremely laid back dress code. You can pretty much wear whatever you want other than really hoochie. I do wear business clothes. Not suits, mind you. But I wear make up every day, I do my hair up, I wear nice clothes and jewelry. My buddy next to me is in a serious rut. She wears old clothes, doesn't do make up, nothing. Not that there is anything wrong at all with this, but she has told me that she is in a serious rut, and that she has no one to dress up for......we were talking about a Victoria's Secret pantie sale lol, and I told her that we needed to go get her some stuff. She said "why, no one is going to see it so why am I going to spend money on it?"

 

Okay. I enjoy knowing that Jay sees me in my frillies and such. But for me, dressing sexy (even if its a nice pair of panties under my slacks) makes ME feel good. It makes me feel sexy and beautiful, and this then emanates outward. Its not about how you look necessarily. Its how looking good makes you feel. I remember when I had just given birth to our youngest son, and I was pretty much looking like a mother whose whole life centered around the baby and my boobs lol. I looked in the mirror and frightened myself. I then showered and put make up on, even though it was just Adam and I there in the house at the time. It is how you feel, not necessarily how you look.

 

That's just my .02

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My momma always taught me that when you leave the house you should look the best you can....you never know who you might meet.

 

I never leave the house without having make-up on and very, very few people have ever seen me without make-up. I do get extremely lazy with my dress at times, mainly because I work from home. There are days all I will wear is a pair of boxers and a t-shirt, no make-up and hair in a pony-tail...but, no one sees me like this except for the kids. When it's time for Ted to be coming home I'll spruce up my appearance...I've always done this as I've always figured that if I didn't make the effort to look good for him, why would he want to come? He will also do the same for me, when he's on his way home from somewhere he might not be able to wear nice clothes due to his work environment but he makes sure he shaves and cleans up some before coming home.

 

We've always done this for each other. The care we take with our appearance hasn't changed since we started swinging...it just expresses the desire we have for each other.

 

Teresa

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This is a very thought-provoking thread. It is VERY easy to slip into laziness about your personal appearance. At least it has been for me...I got into some bad habits over the last few years. However I've been trying to change that lately....eating better, dropping some weight, taking up yoga, doing a better job with personal grooming, etc., trying to keep myself more attractive for my wife. She's been doing the same thing, too, part of our process of keeping our passion alive.

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TNT said:
My momma always taught me that when you leave the house you should look the best you can....you never know who you might meet.

 

I never leave the house without having make-up on and very, very few people have ever seen me without make-up.

Dito

 

Even when I go to the stables early in the morning to muck out the stalls, I am always nicely groomed, have on makeup, and have my hair tied up nicely. Four hours later I look (and smell) like I live in the sewers :eek:. Once back in the house, I never let Jr near me (or see me if at all possible) until I have taken another shower and made myself beautiful again (which takes another four hours :lol: ).

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We've both always had jobs where we had to look presentable. Less so now for Mr2, who has a fairly messy job - he showers as soon as he gets home from work, and puts on clean clothes - fancier if we're going out to dance or dinner or to visit friends. If we're just staying home, he's apt to put on sleeping pants and a t-shirt. I don't believe he would be able to go to bed without being clean, it's just not his nature.

 

At home, if I'm not wearing work clothes, I'm in a nightgown. (Slinky nightgown. Not grandma's flannels.) I do have a few very casual - but clean and neat - clothes to wear on at-home weekends. If we're going out to swing or just socialize, I'm apt to wear a skirt or dress - slutwear if that's appropriate, something casually sexy if slutwear's a bit much. I do this whether it's just me and Mr2, or a crowd of people. Make-up goes on after I shower in the morning.

 

We've met a number of swingers who don't seem to make the effort. I'm not sure why that is, really. Vermont is a fairly casual place, but it's not that hard to be neat and clean.

 

LOL, even in the days when I worked part-time and had 3 children younger than 5 years old, if I was going to leave the house I made sure I looked good. It was a bit less likely then that I'd look fabulous at home all the time, with the baby spitting up on me, and the toddlers putting sticky - but loving - fingers on me. Or, worse case scenario, wiping their noses on my shirt (something I spent a lot of time discouraging).

 

So yeah, we spiff up for meeting swingers - but we spiff up when it's just the two of us.

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JustAskJulie said:
One of the things that has peeved me in past relationships is when a guy gets so comfortable that he will crawl into bed stinky or sweaty. Hello! I don't want to sleep next to you smelling your BO! Or when a guy is so comfortable that he will go out in public with you in a ripped up dirty shirt and sweat pants .

 

Well - you didn't ask about relationships getting so cozy that one or both partners lose any sense of class ;)

 

That is totally different.

 

I actually brush AND floss my teeth before going to bed and having sex with my wife. :lol:

 

I go to bed clean (I shower at least twice a day because I am sort of obsessed with it) and I always look my best when I am going to be seen (even grocery shopping) with Mrs Spoo. My "casual clothes" are thought out enough that they match...

 

That part of my personality (caring about the man my wife is seen with and has to snuggle with at night) has nothing to do with swinging :D

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Spoomonkey said:
Well - you didn't ask about relationships getting so cozy that one or both partners lose any sense of class ;)

 

That is totally different.

 

I actually brush AND floss my teeth before going to bed and having sex with my wife. :lol:

 

I go to bed clean (I shower at least twice a day because I am sort of obsessed with it) and I always look my best when I am going to be seen (even grocery shopping) with Mrs Spoo. My "casual clothes" are thought out enough that they match...

 

That part of my personality (caring about the man my wife is seen with and has to snuggle with at night) has nothing to do with swinging :D

 

So, is Mr. Spoo telling me that he is a Metrosexual???

You go boy!

 

LOL, I'm just teasing you

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ShellyM said:
So, is Mr. Spoo telling me that he is a Metrosexual???

 

Is flossing a sign of metrosexuality???

 

Send me my card, I guess ;)

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Is flossing a sign of metrosexuality???

 

Send me my card, I guess ;)

 

Spoomonkey

 

No, the whole dressing color coordinated is lol.

jk

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ShellyM said:
No, the whole dressing color coordinated is lol.

jk

 

I actually have my gay friend pick my clothes for me. This would make a great joke - except that it is true. In fact, we are actually going to work for the store where we buy our clothes. They are opening a shop in a swing club and we'll be working there...

 

Instead of pay - they are giving us clothes...

 

Which is fine, since I told them we'd probably just spend our money on clothes anyway...

 

So I am a heterosexual, turned metrosexual by a homosexual...

 

:D

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Spoomonkey said:
So I am a heterosexual, turned metrosexual by a homosexual...

 

:D

 

LOL, you go with your BAD SELF!

 

Actually, my best friend is a gay man....well, bi I guess. But I think he is gay, yes lol. I love him to death! And yes, he dresses very well too.

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It is true that we try to dress up more for swinging. I guess because is like dating all over again and first appereances are going to be a deciding factor in whether or not anything goes anywhere. If you show up looking and smelling bad, you are going to have a short lived swinging experiance.

 

For me it is partially laziness but mostly it is the fact that I am pulled in so many directions that sometimes dressing up is the last thing on my mind. I work in a landscape/construction office and as stock manager I can get pretty dirty, so skirts and nice suits don't make much sense in the office. I usually at least wear eyeliner every day if nothing else (and steel toed shoes. :D )

 

When I get home I just want to be comfortable. So I have a pair of green jammies I like to laze about in. I can only be sexy when I feel sexy and after 9 hours of work on a thursday night I feel like mashed potatoes. The great thing is that hubby understands where I am coming from, I have a whole drawer of sexy stuff that I wear just for him, not for swinging. When we go out I try to look nice. But it is nice that we have come to a point in our lives where we are comfortable with each other.

 

There is something to be said for just cuddling together on the couch in your comfy pj's watching tv. Intimacy is not just sex and it is something that I look forward to and share with only him.

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There is something to be said for just cuddling together on the couch in your comfy pj's watching tv. Intimacy is not just sex and it is something that I look forward to and share with only him.

 

You are absolutely right!

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    • By sunbuckus
      I have heard from several members here that the more they get to know a couple, the less they want to have sex with them. Maybe we just haven't been fortunate enough to get to know a couple that well that it reaches that point or maybe I'm not wired that way. Or perhaps there's something else in play (like maybe they meant in terms of seeing them pick their nose or exhibit an unbecoming personality trait). However, for myself, I have found that the more we talk and get to know a couple, the more comfortable I feel with them and I'm more interested in engaging with them in sex. In fact, finding more about other couples almost endears them to me. I know that sounds too intimate but the more I get to know a person, the more I care about them as a person and their well-being. Even if we witness something that is a turn-off, it's even more of a reminder to me that they aren't perfect...not some unattainable, flawless couple who sits on their lofty pedestal.
       
      Is this feeling felt more in those who are open to poly or is it not poly-specific? Is the desire of not wanting to know too much about another couple a "protective barrier" so feelings won't develop? Is it just the mindset that swinging is for sex and nothing else so everything outside of that is irrelevant? Or am I just looking too much into this? Please share your thoughts on the matter!
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