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Friends Excluded from Parties. Would you take Sides?

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Curious what others would do in this situation. You and friends were invited to a party and although it seemed to go well they were not invited back. They automatically assumed it was because of an excluding criteria such as a weight issue and as a result sent a negative response to the hosts. You in the meantime, have received weekly invitations since, though have never been able to attend again yet.

When the other couple found this out, they requested you contact the hosts and tell them you will never go to their parties again because they excluded them. What would you do?

 

On one hand, if the hosts really did exclude your friends because of an appearance issue (though there's no proof, just their assumption), then I could see not wanting to have anything to do with them either. However on the other hand, you are obviously cutting off future opportunities to attend said parties that you enjoyed, especially over a conclusion that might not be the case. There is also the factor that you are not the kind of person who believes strongly in confrontation and alienation in the same manner the aggrieved couple does.

If you choose not to side with your friends and continue to attend the host's parties, would you be worried your friends would find out and how they would respond?

 

Though I'm sure this question might have been asked before, any input would be appreciated as it makes us uncomfortable being dragged into the middle of things and having to choose sides.

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When the other couple found this out, they requested you contact the hosts and tell them you will never go to their parties again because they excluded them. What would you do?

 

I'm going to be really blunt here. What I'd do is find new friends. I just typed a bunch of stuff explaining that, but I erased it because it doesn't really matter. What matters is that your friends, who made a boatload of potentially false assumptions and then acted as if those assumptions were true, lashed out and then want you to participate in their immature and possibly, erm, less than completely sane view of a situation. So, yeah, I'd find new friends.

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I agree with MauiJaneDoe on this. My wife and I frequently host parties and people are occasionally dropped from the invitation list. The reason is different each time. When anybody asks why, our reply is, "just because". On those few occasions when people try to guess the reason, they almost always guess incorrectly. Even when someone makes a correct guess, we give no hint to indicates the guess was correct.

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When the other couple found this out, they requested you contact the hosts and tell them you will never go to their parties again because they excluded them. What would you do?

 

Yes, I would have done this for my friends. That is, I would have done this when I was in the third grade.

 

That's some serious bullshit for someone to ask, and yeah, I agree with MJD that it's time for some new friends.

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:ditto:

 

I can understand their egos being hurt, we've all been there in swinging I'd guess, but to the point of wanting to use your as ammunition against them is childish to say the least.

 

Your friends seem like the type that are the reason why people just ignore emails from couples they are not interested in instead of responding.

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Hello DRAMA!

Now if it had been "you are invited but your spouse was excluded" that's a whole other ball of wax.

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I appreciate the suggestions so far and perhaps I should clarify the situation.

 

Because of our limited availability we unfortunately have no intention of attending any more of these parties any time in the near future, so this question was more a "what if" then something that needs to be confronted immediately. That being said, while I understand the reaction by some to cut-off this couple as friends, that would be both an extreme and unnecessary step as of now. I should point out that they have had reason in the past to be judged on things like weight (even if I have my doubts this was the case in this instance) so a part of me understands where these assumptions come from even though, yes, they are too quick to apply it to everything. I should also point out their request was not made as a condition of continued friendship, but I do know they would be hurt if we did attend again and they found out.

 

Since we can not attend any parties just for the practical reasons, we intended to likely message the hosts and ask them to take us off their weekly invite lists and leave it at that. My only concern was if this other couple is wrong, I just don't want to close off our future options, however if we were to find out for certain they are right, then I guess we would have to do the right thing and show solidarity even if it was presented more diplomatically then I feel they handled it.

 

They really are good friends in many other ways, there is just a lot of insecurities floating around and we do value the time we time we spend with them even if we don't always agree how they go about things. We just had a concern that we didn't want to potentially be dragged down into anything and believe me, if it became that serious an issue, we would deal with it even if we prefer to avoid it.

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Even with your clarification I agree with everyone above. Just keep calm, carry on. There's no reason to be taken off the invite list. Maybe you'll be less busy sometime. You don't need to get between 2 sets of friends, that just makes drama.

 

I had something similar happen. Very good friends were hosting a party. These friends had been with us twice at mutual friends' parties. I asked the hosts if X were coming. They said no, they weren't invited. I was disappointed, but I didn't say anything. We had a great time at the party and everything is cool.

 

There are many reasons people are excluded and it happens to everyone at some point. I think it's best to deal with it quietly and gracefully.

 

Actually, I just realized the scenario above has happened to me not once, but twice with four completely different sets of people. It happens all the time. It's not a big deal.

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How about just continuing on as if nothing had happened and ignore the request from your friends? If you can't go to future parties because of practical reasons, then don't go. If you want to go to a party, and can make it, then go. Pretend your friends said nothing and let them deal with that in whatever way makes them happy.

 

Another way to look at it, if your friends met a couple and that couple did not want to play with them, would your friends be offended?

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Yeah. I hear you and no. And here's part of what I deleted before... I love and cherish my friends and will twist myself into pretzels to give them what they need, but that willingness is based on a few foundations and one of those is that they will never inflict upon me any form of "If you (really) loved me, you would do X." That is not only manipulative, it is grossly unfair in its refusal to allow others to make their own decisions based on what is best for them. Instead, it is a very clear indication that those engaging in the behavior wrongly see their needs as significantly more important than the needs of others, which are being asked to be subordinate.

 

I don't actually need or want friends like that.

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We value the fact that we are not high maintenance and are drama free and wouldn't do anything to change that. As previously stated, however, something like this makes us feel young again...like we're back in third grade young :lol:

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We would be happy to have some friends right about now. Starting all over in a new state seriously sucks balls. Now on to the subject at hand. I still agree with all of the above statements even after the clarification simply on the fact that they wrote something negative to the host's....that's just WAY wrong. Maybe the hosts saw something you didn't and it could be more than just a weight issue but there is something there. I would watch out for the same type of response to come your way if you ever decide to cut off the friendship.

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Just an update: since nothing more has been mentioned by the other couple, we've concluded the best response is none at all either way. Since will not have weekends off to attend these parties again anytime in the near future, it is irrelevant at any rate. We will not allow ourselves to get in the middle of it and although it bothers us that they were not invited back, especially if it was over a superficial trait, confronting that person who made that decision is not our style. Perhaps we might be the ones excluded in the future if we ever go back again, especially if they truly are picky and we will feel different, but we feel to cut off those opportunities over something that was unproven would not be in our best interest. While maybe to some that might sound self-serving, I think by the majority response here, most would agree it's for the best.

 

The only factor still remains of their response if we do attend someday and they find out, but I guess we'll deal with that if and when it comes.

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One of the hosts' challenges in any social event is who to invite, who not to invite. This is independent of age, nature of the event, time of year, phase of the moon, etc. It's always up to the hosts to invite, and invitees as to whether they wish to attend. In past years where invitations to social events were sent by "snail mail", guests typically made decisions about attending a social event based on the invitation alone. Social media and electronic invitations (e.g. "Evite.com") create an option to make the guest list public. Again, this goes for events of all types.

 

In our view, it is both a responsibility and a privilege of the hosts to create a mix of people who will find others there interesting and enjoyable to be around. A necessary consequence of that position is that people should not get their feelings hurt when they are not invited to a party: the hosts are managing the mix of people, the 'vibe' and so on. Their party, their privilege. The 'uninvited' should feel free to have their own social event.

 

For what it's worth, many guests that we enjoy seeing time and again share some common manners.They say thank you for the invitation. They ask whether they can bring something, and even if told no bring a small token hostess gift anyway. They look around to see if anyone seems isolated and go over to them. They do not overindulge. They offer to help clean up. They send a note saying thank you. Other guests may not notice these things, but hosts do. Whether one regards these as superficialities is a matter of perspective. Our point is that what gets people on (and off) guest lists is complex and often relates to things quite different from age, appearance and so on. This is true in vanilla and LS circumstances.

 

You have done well to stay out of the relationship between the host and the "uninvited". There are no sides to be taken.

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Well fours I don’t know you or your friends but this is my take from your post. First off it sounds like your friends are very insecure with their weight. Now I know from experience I’ve seen some folks that could stand to lose a few pounds that were the life of the party. I’ve also seen some folks that could lose a few pounds that have spent the night in the corner away from everybody else and sulk all night long. The couple that spent the night sulking weren’t invited back but it wasn’t due to their weight because the life of the party couple were invited back.

 

You said that your friends just assumed that they weren’t invited back because of their weight and fired off on the host through a note. That’s the kind of diplomacy that will insure that no future invitations will be headed their way. If they felt an invitation was so important then they should have called the host telling them that they enjoyed the party they attended and being they didn’t get another invitation they were curious if they were no longer welcomed at their parties or if it was an oversight. If the failure to get an invitation was due to their weight then their choices would be to either drop some weight or find a new party to attend. Both way it’s not your problem and true friends wouldn’t have drug you into it.

 

As for us we are in this thing to have fun and enjoy ourselves. Not to be rude but it sounds like your friends are being drama queens and drama isn’t fun. We’ve all known people that can’t seem to enjoy themselves unless they are introducing drama into the equation. Those are the kind of people that we will distance ourselves from. Friends don’t get friends involved in their drama, that’s junior high stuff.

 

It sounds pretty apparent that your friends aren’t going to be getting another invitation to this party any time soon. If you want to remain friends with these folks but would still like to attend this party every now and then I would just be up front with these folks. Tell them you like them and enjoy their company. On the same note there are other friends of yours that attend these parties that you would also like to party with on occasion. If they are really friends then they will understand if not then they weren’t really friends in the first place.

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We will not allow ourselves to get in the middle of it and although it bothers us that they were not invited back, especially if it was over a superficial trait, confronting that person who made that decision is not our style.

 

Unfortunately, you are already in the middle of it. While they are not pushing the subject at the moment, they did put you in the middle of it. The moment you felt awkward was the moment they went a little too far BUT having said that, depending on how much you like this couple, it isn't necessarily a big deal because we are all human and who knows, maybe it was just a bad day. One issue doesn't necessarily mean they have issues. If you like them, just overlook it and don't think twice about it but in the back of my mind I would still keep an eye open for potential problems.

 

As far as the hosts, I think Fundamental Law's response above is the best I've read. It really sums up what I feel as well.

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I'd likely just leave it alone. If you really don't feel that your friends are being so immature as to warrant removing them from your personal friend list, then I'd just not do anything. Stay on the role for the parties (you never know when your situation might change) and not bring it up with the assumptive friends. If they bring it up again just tell them that you don't want to get in the middle of it.

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