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lilitalian

How do you find real people?

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I recently joined the site swinglifestyle...trial registration to give it a whirl. Anyway, after putting a profile up I was inundated with mail within the first 2 days from people that didn't even fit our criteria, and my profile didn't even display a picture as of yet (I guess the site takes a day or so to review your pics before displaying them in your profile). Eek, who are these people that are so eager to meet with such minimal information. I begin to wonder what I might be getting myself into.

 

Anyway, I (i.e. my wife and I) are/am genuinely interested in pursuing this lifestyle, yet feeling excited and nervous at the same time. We are newbies and very leery of the lack of authenticity and forthrightness we might further encounter. Our problem might be further complicated by the fact that we are, at least initially, only seeking men (for my wife to enjoy), and, unlike couples, many single men seem to mindlessly crowd about when they hear the word "sex".

 

We are patient and looking for the right type of individuals. Any recommendations from more experienced couples or individuals on what to look for in ads to determine if someone is being genuine and truthful, better sites or places in which to participate, how to best communicate to maintain discretion, and how and where to actually go about meeting in person?

 

Thanks for listening :-)

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My wife and I have tried quite a few swingers' Web sites and our considered opinion is that you will probably find none better than Swinglifestyle. As for the flood of invitations and offers you have received, when we first posted a profile at S L S, it contained no sort of invitation for men but we none-the-less received a flood of invitations. Even five years later, we cannot visit that web site without having the so-called "Video Chat" pop up within the first five minutes. You will soon become accustomed. And you will soon learn to distinguish the fun from the foolish. There are many, many lonely people out there in the world, both male and female. Men simply have this peculiar way of think that the S L S Fairy will turn their wildest fantasies into instant-gratification reality.

 

OK, so that's not advice, just observation. For advice, I'd say find a meet-n-greet or two in your area. These are listed at S L S as "events".

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Hello and welcome, the best answer to your situation is an option that you did not even ask about. The best place to find "real" people is not on the internet at all but at lifestyle clubs, meet-and-greets and parties.

 

What you have already experienced online is the reality and it will only get worse. The internet is flooded with fakes, dreamers, wannabes and weirdos. Oh, there are also many rock-solid, honest decent people too but it is like finding a needle in a haystack at this point.

 

When you go to a club/meet-greet/party, you have real life people right there in front of your nose. You will be interacting with them in the real world and will know more about them in 5 minutes of talking to them then you with weeks worth of online chatting and emails.

 

When you are in a club or party you can also network and get to know the people in your area and learn where all the best parties are and all the best places to go etc. Since your primary interest is in single men at this point then you will definately want to network to find out who the legitimate single men are.

 

My mother used to tell my sisters that getting a man into bed was the easiest thing in world, but getting him to do what you want is the hardest...Mom must have been a swinger because that describes single men to a "T". There are millions of single guys that dream about being a swinger but only small handfull actually "get it" and will be willing and able to do what you want them to.

 

If you go to clubs and meet-greets and parties the single men there will have reputations whether they be good or bad and if you can network you will soon learn the ones that can be counted on and the ones that can't.

 

My advice is use the computer to find some clubs etc in your area and then get out and start meeting real live people face to face and let the internet phantoms have their fun on their own.

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We agree with the ascertation that SLS is a great site.

 

The flood you speak of...well, I would attribute it to "fresh meat syndrome". Its a brand new profile and you are looking for single guys, of which there are a ton of on the site. Are there fake profiles...sure...but you aren't looking for the needle in the haystack so you are bound to get tons of reponses from single guys.

 

Generally speaking, you are going to need the patience of a saint to deal with them. While there are plenty of genuinely single males in the LS...you will also find those profiles that are situationally single b/c they want some extra on the side. Let's liken it to being at a buffet where they serve 1000 dishes...but you only like 1 of them. You are going to have to take the time to find what you want.

 

I would second the notion that going to a meet n greet will get you more genuine interactions. First you can actually meet the person behind the profile. If they are willing to show up at events, that is a good thing. And meet n greets tend to be held in regular bars or restaurants. No pressure like you might feel going into a swing club.

 

Good luck! :)

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Welcome to the boards!

 

A few things about Swing Lifestyle. First we love the site, we think it is the best out there, but even the best is not perfect. Here a a few things you should know.

 

Here are a few things that add to the onslaught you are experiencing,

 

If you have pics, you likely show up on the front page as a new couple. So people will see your profile summary when they first login. You can expect a great many hits early on from that. I think you can turn that feature off if you prefer.

 

Also, you can search by "Show only new members." People often search that way, some for good reason, others for nefarious reasons.

 

You can also expect a spike in hits every time you change your default pic as well, since this is what shows up in searches, who is on, etc.

 

If you state that you are looking for single males you will also get a huge amount of hits. Look around, many, if not most, profiles state NOT looking for single males or "we will find you when we need you". If your profile says your open to single males, or even leaves doubt, you will get inundated as you said. We did not state anything and finally had to put on the profile "we will find you when we are ready," just to control the amount of email . That still does not stop them all, but reduces the email from SM significantly. Apparently single males often search by new profiles as well, or so it seems. I guess so they can be first in line when you start looking, lol.

 

You will absolutely find fakes and flakes. Some put up phony pics, claim to be couples but are actually single males (clue: the female is never available to chat or talk, and mysteriously can't make the M&G). You will also find couples, but they have strange circumstances (one is married to some other than profile partner and cheating for example). Some are legitimate couples, but for various reason are not suited for the life style (That is why you see so many comments about "No Drama", some people are just not cut out for the lifestyle). But you will find many more legitimate, sane couples contacting you, it is just a matter of fit at that point. Not everyone will be a fit, even if their profile looks like they would be.

 

Now for the good part. We have met many great people online, it can just take time to weed through some fakes, flakes and those that don't fit your criteria. But believe me there are some fine people out there to be found online. Don't be discouraged, you will get the hang of it quickly enough.

 

The advice you have received about socials is great as well. You may think it is not your bag of tricks. We did at first. We had preconceived notions about how the parties would be. We thought there would be pressure, and cliques and sex every where, which made us a bit nervous. That was not the case. The people were great, and the atmosphere was not much difference from going to a vanilla club, except for a bit more PDA and the occasional bit of nudity. It was not at all what we had imagined.

 

We met many new friends and playmates as well. People are open and friendly, you get to see what they look like, act like and sit down and learn about them in ways a profile will never be able to do. You may have to try out more than on club to find one that fits. Different socials attract different people. Ages vary, the amount of sexual activity varies, etc, etc.

 

The initial onslaught and weeding through profiles that don't match and the occasional nut job seems to be part of the initiation process to the LS, but don't worry, it gets easier, quickly.

 

Good luck and have fun!!

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I love the sls website, you will receive pings from all sorts of ppl. it is completely up to you if you want to talk to them. and if you do talk to them but don't want to play with them, you just have to tell them. i have had a few occurences for that and everyone i have talked to so far has been great. just remember, you have a choice.

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We have found over the years the best place to find real people is where real people hang out. The clubs and parties! To many Internet ghosts these days on line to play games. To many of them also seem to not be able to read.

 

We also have written a few articles about "ghost fucking" on the Internet. That refers to people that will send email or respond to email of people that have blank profiles or give no information at all about their self. As you found, no picture or anything and you got flooded. Anyone that sent you an email with no info about you I would personally put on a block list. Just how we are. I won't say I have the highest standards :D but I am not going to meet up or converse with anyone that sends me email wanting to have sex when they know NOTHING about me.

 

Shopping in person is always better. :)

 

Hit clubs on a regular basis. You will find the crowd can change week to week, party to party. Since you are looking for single males I know you will find something that clicks for you. Sometimes it just takes some times to weed though the thorns to get to the roses.

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I agree an disagree with vegas's point about those who send email without information. IF they send a "wanna fuck "email yeah they can be blocked...however if they send a " welcome, we would like to know more email" that's different. Like everythng.... YMMV

 

 

We would say to use the internet to find people that has worked for us. We so would say get out to clubs.... Though where we live in VA there are no clubs that allow single males so it might not do you much good here...that might apply where you live too.

 

 

As for the next... screen, screen, screen..... You learn the "red flags" quickly...it's funny the " ghosts" always use the same lines and methods... they are easy to spot.

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We have met four single men through  SwingLifeStyle. Genuine swingers, great guys :) We would play with them anytime given the opportunity again. They (the ones we pursued and met) have profiles filled out with appropriate information and pictures. They are there if you look a little deeper.

 

However, If you are annoyed by any of the bad ones, just block them as individual users. A feature designed for paid members as well as free members. You can always unblock anytime should you find they changed their profile (profiles do change sometimes)

 

Single men (and women for that matter) aren't the only ones who crowd the sites, as we too, have perved thousands by now :D . Its part of it, if the Internets are used effectively to find compatible playmates. Its how we started ;)

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Our problem might be further complicated by the fact that we are, at least initially, only seeking men (for my wife to enjoy), and, unlike couples, many single men seem to mindlessly crowd about when they hear the word "sex". We are patient and looking for the right type of individuals. Any recommendations from more experienced couples or individuals on what to look for in ads to determine if someone is being genuine and truthful, better sites or places in which to participate, how to best communicate to maintain discretion, and how and where to actually go about meeting in person. Thanks for listening :-)

 

There are a large number of single men in the lifestyle. As you note, you are being inundated by them. This is in part because you opened a new profile; on SLS there's two links on the right hand side of the main page titled "New today" and "New this week", which when clicked on give you profiles of new members sorted by distance from you. You are being picked up in that. Part of your deluge is that the 'supply' of single men is considerably greater than 'demand'.

 

I agree with SW_PA_Couple; SLS is the best site for what you are wanting to find. But, I would turn instant messaging off. When we log on we too find it hard to go more than about 10-15 minutes without having a chat request pop up. We tried doing the chats, but found that none of them materialized into play dates. That's not to say the chatters are not real. But, it hasn't worked for us.

 

As to clubs, some (most?) clubs do not permit single males, just couples and single females. Check out the clubs and see what's available. Some clubs have a night when single males are permitted.

 

My wife and I have enjoyed many MFMs. We've never had a bad experience. We too are selective. The way we work SLS is that we keep a list of singles in our general area. When we're looking for a new single male to play with, we'll search profiles that have been active within the last seven days that do not have notes (we place notes for ourselves on profiles we've reviewed). From there, we read profiles and ruthlessly cut and slash if we find the profile less than reasonable. We figure a profile is a single male's best opportunity to present & advertise himself in a highly competitive market. It's the first step in his attempt to have sex with my wife, even if he doesn't know she's reading. If he can't put together a decent profile, we discount him. One and two liner profiles don't cut it. Profiles with lots of Internet leetspeak get the boot too. Profiles with poor grammar and spelling errors also get the boot. Profile pics that show the single male in slovenly appearance, etc. get the boot as well. Profiles are something you can routinely updated and maintain. If you can't get it right in that environment, you're not a good candidate.

 

From the profiles we filter down to, we make initial contacts exchanging a few e-mails. From there, we set up a meet and greet, sometimes both of us together and sometimes my wife alone. The meet and greet is always at a restaurant. We don't spend a lot of time e-mailing or chatting. If a single won't move to a meet and greet relatively quickly, we dump him and move on. If we catch the slightest sense that the single male is actually married or in a committed relationship, and is cheating on that person, we dump them.

 

In any scenario that we dump a single male, we just politely indicate a "thanks, but no thanks" and move on. We don't explain. We've explained why 'no' a few times, and it always does not go well.

 

I agree with others above; you will quickly learn what to avoid. Given that you are a couple looking for single males, you have quite a lot of selection to choose from. You're in the driver's seat. Take advantage of that.

 

When my wife and I decided to try MFMs, and for that matter swinging in general, we decided to not judge all of swinging based on that first or second experience. I'd advise you to do the same. When everything clicks and you have an MFM where your wife really, really enjoys the other man it will be a wonderful experience. The first MFM might not be that. Hang in there.

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All of the advice you have received so far has been right on the mark, so not a whole lot to add other that if you are on Swing Lifestyle, then you already have all of the resources you need to find clubs and parties to go to.

 

Early on we had success meeting some good couples on Swing Lifestyle, and really didn't have much of a problem with fakes, endless chatters, etc. Now though, it's gotten to where we much prefer going to a club or party and meeting new people rather than working through the whole on-line contact and vetting process, which often just seems tiresome and takes away some of the fun.

 

The way it is now, we don't put much effort into keeping our profile updated and polished, rarely scout other profiles, and almost never initial contact ourselves based on just a random profile. If someone contacts us first, then we consider it, but the on-line bar is harder to jump over than if we first met you in person and decided we wanted to spend a few minutes getting to know you better to see where it might lead. In fact, if it wasn't for finding events we might want to go to or being able to keep in touch with people we have met, we probably would just let our membership drop.

 

We're primarily interested in couples, but I think if we were into single males, the method we have just naturally gravitated to would be even more of a planned thing. Just too many dudes out there living in their parent's basement who think swinger=definite score and spend their abundant free time in front of a computer trying all sorts of tricks to get you to meet them in person since they just know they'll get some if you do. Another type is the pic collectors always looking to add their jack-off collection. If a guy can get it together enough to show up at a club or party looking presentable and able to carry on a decent conversation, then you can tell if they cleared that most initial, lowest hurdle in about 10 seconds. Online, you can devote hours and still not have a clue.

 

Good luck!

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my fiance and i both have a name on Swing Lifestyle as well as single user names we both use (everything links back people know what they're getting into, etc etc).

 

Now, we have met everyone we have played with from Swing Lifestyle and its a nice group of people.

 

Now, we have probably had to wade through a thousand emails to get to those good people. It does take a lot of work to find not only the real people, but the people that you joined the site to meet. I would suggest browsing a few profiles a night and mailing the ones that interest you. Keep in mind as a free member you can only send 5 mails a day. A lot of people block free profiles completely, because they assume them to be fakers or something, I kind of understand that logic, but at the same time all of our accounts are free.

 

I search by locals with pictures if I'm trying to find someone to possibly mail.

 

I hate the IM feature, every time i turn it on its just pic collectors or guys looking for someone to give them some sexy word wanking material (if you've had a positive experience with this, more power to you, but in 3 years of using Swing Lifestyle i HATE the chat!!! lol).

 

Basically, what I'm trying to say is it really does take time. We tend to talk to both in the couple (or both of us talk to the single) and then we meet for something non-commital, drinks, dinner, whatever. And we talk, see if we click, and if it goes from there, awesome. Thats whats worked super well for us :)

 

I wanted to also say, swing clubs have not been good luck for us.. We haven't been to them often but its not really the arena we prefer. Part of the problem is i'm often looking for single guys, since i'm picky with my women. Most clubs don't allow anything close to single men. :/

 

Hope you find what you're lookin for

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I'd echo the comments about SLS being a good site to communicate with others and potentially meet the play partners you're looking for. However I don't know if meeting someone at a club or party gives you a person who's anymore "real" than a person online. True when meeting face to face you can get a vibe about others that you can't online. You can say yes or no to them in short order. Online communication can and normally will take a bit longer than the time it takes to slam a boilermaker or two.

 

Having said that, just because you meet mano a mano doesn't mean there's no underlying drama with this person. Even after the Fruit-Of-The-Looms come off and the action starts who really knows if this person has a jealous lover or jilted spouse in their life? Clubs & parties can be very, no extremely superficial.

Plus the fact that this environment doesn't really cater to those of a more introverted nature, especially if you're a guy, which is tantamount to being the child-molester at a PTA convention.

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