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  1. Back To Top | #1

    Default Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    So the better half and I have been talking about swinging for about a year now. We have spent many hours talking about what we want and why, we have laid out some ground rules for when we “actually get there” and are both comfortable with what we are trying to do.

    We met up with one couple a few months ago, we had spent the day together getting everything ready for our big night, Terri likes to have a drink now and then so we picked up a bottle of wine so she could have a couple of drinks before we left for the restaurant. What we did not have was lunch so needless to say by the time we got to the restaraunt she was “very happy”. We meet up with our couple and had some good conversation and everything seemed to be going well. Teri excused herself to go to the ladies room and after about ten minutes with the three of us sitting at the table we started to wonder what had happened. The other couple’s better half went to the washroom to find her and came back saying I needed to go talk to Terri. She was in the washroom crying and when I went in she said “take me home now”. On the drive home she explained that she was worried about what might happen and she did not know if she could “handle” seeing me with another woman, and that alcohol had hit her pretty hard making her feelings much stronger and harder to deal with.

    After this we took a step back and talked a lot about what we were doing and why. She says that had she not been so affected by the booze things would have been different, she wanted to do this and no she did not fear seeing me with another woman. We talked a lot and decided that maybe our best way to jump in was with a mmf threesome. No worries about me with another woman, and we would be able to re-evaluate after we went through with it.

    So we made some contact with a couple of guys on AFF and have been chatting with them for a couple of weeks trying to find our best match. We had short listed it down to two and last night Terri was chatting with one of them. I was around, watching TV etc. while they talked. When they were done I asked how it went and she said it was fine and they would be chatting more this week. The next morning I was browsing through the chat logs (Terri knows I do this, we both do it, as a matter of fact) when I came across her inviting him to meet her after work today. He said if he could make it out he would.

    Now I am not suggesting that they would meet up for more than a drink and conversation (rule #1: we only play together) but I am wondering if other people think this is OK? I have read many threads on here and some suggest when setting up a threesome it may be advantageous for her to meet him separately to make sure there is chemistry. I have no problem with this; I would just like to be aware it is happening.

    So my basic question is: What do you think of this? I plan on talking with her to let her know I don’t like her setting up a meeting without my knowledge, but do I have bigger worries here? What would you do in my situation?

  2. Back To Top | #2

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    I would not be happy with this arrangement. If we were going to have an MMF I would like to meet the person too. What happens if he shows up to play and you don't like him? The other problem is that you seem to think that this will progress to playing with a couple. She may NEVER want you to play with another woman but she will be quite happy having sex with other men while you watch. Since she didn't say anything to you about meeting him alone that raises a red flag to me. Are you sure she knows about rule #1?

  3. Back To Top | #3

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?



    Setting up a meeting separately is not really the issue here. The issue is that it was setup without your knowledge.

    There are some things that we all do and tell the spouse later "Oh by the way, I forgot to mention....." That may work when it's "Oh, by the way I spent $65 on tires today". Ok, no problem. But a separate meeting with a potential playdate and it wasn't discussed with you before confirming?

    Sorry, that's a major red flag to me. The only way you two will find success in swinging is by being 200% open and honest with each other, about everything. You need to ask her why she would set up such a meeting without discussing it with you first, or at least mentioning it to you.

    Had you previously discussed ever meeting separately? What was the original plan once you narrowed down the list of prospects?

    Mr and Mrs NC
    Get your mind out of the gutter so mine can float by!

  4. Back To Top | #4

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Now I am not suggesting that they would meet up for more than a drink and conversation (rule #1: we only play together) but I am wondering if other people think this is OK?
    No, I do not think this is okay.

    I am in an open marriage and there has never been one instance in which I did not make my spouse aware that I was going to make arrangements, much less meet anyone without his knowledge.

    Any form of swinging, poly, open marriage, FWB, whatever the heck your version of alternative is, does not work without 100% openness and honest between all participants.

    I know my spouse would consider it a major trust violation and just downright deceitful to be making arrangements without his knowledge, much less making arrangements to meet with someone alone without his knowledge.

    No offense, but if you were looking for a threesome, why would your wife go off alone to check out "chemistry" without you? A threesome requires some form of "chemistry" for all three of you. You have to be okay with the third who is to join you; your wife has to be okay. The third person has to be okay with BOTH of you. So why would the two of them meet alone, without your knowledge?

    There are all sorts of red flags here and it doesn't sound like you need to be pursuing this any further to you and your wife sit down and get your communication together. Unfortunately, it sounds like she's meeting him today after work. Is this correct? Are you actually going to step in and talk to her first before she continues the deceit and does something all of you might regret?
    I'll give up my bad habits as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available. A. Brilliant

  5. Back To Top | #5

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Quote Originally Posted by rpu3 View Post
    No, I do not think this is okay.

    Unfortunately, it sounds like she's meeting him today after work. Is this correct? Are you actually going to step in and talk to her first before she continues the deceit and does something all of you might regret?
    Yes, after work today. I had not planned on bringing this up until after she gets home. I guess I want to find out if she has plans on telling me about the meeting. I think that will tell me alot.

  6. Back To Top | #6

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Payodie,

    You seem like you are trying to be supportive of your wife, which is very nice of you. However, there are serious potential problems with your wife meeting a man separately, one who is a stranger to both of you. First and foremost is safety. This cannot be stressed enough.

    This man may be a normal, nice person with honorable intentions, but he may not. A woman going to meet a strange man alone has very legitimate reasons to be careful.

    Your post told a story about alcohol being a problem too... regardless of whether that kind of thing happens often, it happened once. What if she has a few drinks during the meeting with the AFF guy? What kind of behaviour is she likely to exhibit? Drinking more than very lightly is not likely to be a good idea in any swinging situation. Add that to the general safety issue, and things just get more serious.

    Her wanting to meet him alone, without telling you, is the second potential problem. If you are in this together as a couple, she should not have taken this step alone. Why would she do this without you? Doesn't she want you to be involved?

    Please take definite actions on these things. Have a serious talk with your wife. Just reading your post, it is difficult to imagine that someone who does what you described (the drinking episode with the other couple, the arranging meetings without discussing it with you first, and alone) is ready for any kind of swinging activity. It seems like the worst that could happen here is very bad indeed, both in the realms of safety and in your relationship. I am sorry to sound pushy (actually I know I am being pushy) but so many alarms are going off I would rather be rude and hope you take action, even if you dislike me.

    I hope you will talk with her TODAY, as soon as possible. I also hope you will check back in on this thread and let us know how it goes.

    Would your wife want to read this Board? It might be helpful for you to read some of the threads in the Getting Started sub-forum, here: Getting Started - The Swingers Board.

    Best of luck. Please stay safe. Please talk to each other and be careful.
    Through every dead and living thing, Time runs, like a fuse. -- Jackson Browne

  7. Back To Top | #7

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Quote Originally Posted by payodie View Post
    Yes, after work today. I had not planned on bringing this up until after she gets home. I guess I want to find out if she has plans on telling me about the meeting. I think that will tell me alot.
    TODAY? I would not wait until after the meeting. Sorry to be the alarmist, but my opinion is that you should call your wife NOW, insist on being involved or that she cancel. This is a stranger to both of you. Has she even talked to him on the telephone? How do you know what kind of person this is??

    Please, please, don't wait. I know I seem a bit spun up, but other long-time members of this Board will be able to back me up when I say that doesn't happen much. This is about a potential safety issue for your wife.
    Through every dead and living thing, Time runs, like a fuse. -- Jackson Browne

  8. Back To Top | #8

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Quote Originally Posted by payodie View Post
    Yes, after work today. I had not planned on bringing this up until after she gets home. I guess I want to find out if she has plans on telling me about the meeting. I think that will tell me alot.
    So, you are going to let your wife meet a complete stranger, alone, on the premise to establish "chemistry" for sex? You don't have a concern about her personal safety? It doesn't seem like she's terribly concerned about it. It would be nice if one of you were concerned about safety and the ramifications.

    Good luck is all I can say, if you aren't going to talk to her beforehand.
    I'll give up my bad habits as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available. A. Brilliant

  9. Back To Top | #9

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Mr. NC.

    So the meeting's today after work, and you don't want to confront her until afterwards.

    Myself, I would be very torn between walking in on the actual meeting, or sitting at a distance (parking lot maybe), to make sure that she is safe.

    Not to be rude, but I'd also want to see how far she's willing to take it.

    DO NOT let her meet this man alone without you in some fashion being there or near, or a friend of yours that you trust.

    Safety flags are popping up like crazy here. Has anyone else read about the guy in jail right now in Boston that was responding to massage ads in Craigslist and he murdered her? And probably would have the other girl had her husband not walked ito the hotel room.
    Get your mind out of the gutter so mine can float by!

  10. Back To Top | #10

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    I understand the safety issue here; at first I was not too worried about that as she asked him to meet her at her work (a bar) where she will certainly be safe. Of course things could go wrong (in more ways than one) if she decided to go somewhere else with this guy. Sitting in the parking lot is not a bad idea, I’m torn between that and calling her to confront her on it.

  11. Back To Top | #11

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    In this case, I think you should feed-rope carefully. Let her make her choices. Ok, her working in a bar, and that being the meeting place, does alleviate a lot of the safety concerns. I'm not sure I would confront her now, over the phone or at her place of business. But I sure as hell would be keeping close tabs.

    The reason I say say feed-rope, is that if you stop it this time up front, ok, it's done. But what about next time? Regardless of her "intentions", this is all going without your knowledge or consent. So will she just be more careful next time so as to not raise suspicion? That's why I say give her a little rope, and see what she does with it.

    Please do come back and tell us how this plays out. We had experienced something, while not quite the same, could have gone down this path. However, Mrs. NC took the rope, and used it is a life-line, not a noose. Hence, we have no issues with each other when it comes to distrust or disrespect. And we go out of our way now to make sure everything is communicated at all times.

    Good luck. I really hope your wife finds her lifeline.

    Mr. NC
    Get your mind out of the gutter so mine can float by!

  12. Back To Top | #12

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Quote Originally Posted by NCfuncouple98 View Post
    In this case, I think you should feed-rope carefully. Let her make her choices. Ok, her working in a bar, and that being the meeting place, does alleviate a lot of the safety concerns. I'm not sure I would confront her now, over the phone or at her place of business. But I sure as hell would be keeping close tabs.

    The reason I say say feed-rope, is that if you stop it this time up front, ok, it's done. But what about next time? Regardless of her "intentions", this is all going without your knowledge or consent. So will she just be more careful next time so as to not raise suspicion? That's why I say give her a little rope, and see what she does with it.

    Please do come back and tell us how this plays out. We had experienced something, while not quite the same, could have gone down this path. However, Mrs. NC took the rope, and used it is a life-line, not a noose. Hence, we have no issues with each other when it comes to distrust or disrespect. And we go out of our way now to make sure everything is communicated at all times.

    Good luck. I really hope your wife finds her lifeline.

    Mr. NC
    Good advice, thank-you. Does anyone else want to comment on the idea that she may never want to play with a couple? More as a side note to all this but the idea that she could go back to the "not being able to handle seeing me with another woman" is possible. She says she is past it, but how do we know?

  13. Back To Top | #13

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Quote Originally Posted by payodie View Post
    I understand the safety issue here; at first I was not too worried about that as she asked him to meet her at her work (a bar) where she will certainly be safe. Of course things could go wrong (in more ways than one) if she decided to go somewhere else with this guy. Sitting in the parking lot is not a bad idea, I’m torn between that and calling her to confront her on it.
    Please at least do one or the other.

    On the one hand, at least there will be people around whom she knows and hopefully would take action if something untoward happens.

    On the other hand, your wife is asking a potential swing partner to meet her in front of her work colleagues? I can only assume she is okay if they think she might be having an affair, or if they think she is a swinger. These are side issues compared to the safety issue, but would ordinarily be a subject for discussion.

    So... your wife works at a bar and at least occasionally has problems with alcohol? I hope the episode at the restaurant was an isolated one.

    And last but not least... your last post indicated that you're actually thinking about whether she'll someday be okay with you two being with a couple. Friend, you've got two potentially much larger issues to deal with before you should even worry about that! I know I'm being rude again, but your wife's safety and the state of your marriage are both important enough that that should be the last thing on your mind.
    Through every dead and living thing, Time runs, like a fuse. -- Jackson Browne

  14. Back To Top | #14

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Friend, you've got two potentially much larger issues to deal with before you should even worry about that! I know I'm being rude again, but your wife's safety and the state of your marriage are both important enough that that should be the last thing on your mind.
    I was just about to say the same thing.
    I'll give up my bad habits as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available. A. Brilliant

  15. Back To Top | #15

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    OK even more good points. As far as meeting him in front of the people she works with, I don’t know what to say. I know at least one of the girls she works with knows about what we (talk about) do(ing), as for how it may be explained to the rest, I’m not sure…

    As far as her use of alcohol goes; this is usually not a problem, as I said we skipped lunch that day and she was drinking wine (not her usual choice) so the idea that it hit her a lot harder than expected is possible. Hard to admit (I am a man after all) but she could normally drink me under the table, she is a controlled drinker though and other than this night I cannot remember a time when she has gone overboard. The main reason I brought it up is my belief that a drunk will always tell the truth, and this is when she said the “can’t handle seeing you” statement.

    As far as me worrying about the couples thing I only bring it up due to what I said before “a drunk will always tell the truth” and another poster had suggested it may become an ongoing problem. If we never play with another couple I am OK with that, as long as we are honest with each other. I think once we get past the current issue (assuming we do) I may post that scenario to see what others think without the much more important issue of the (secret) private meeting getting in the way.

  16. Back To Top | #16

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    We prefer together play, but play seperately when schedules, travel, etc. make it hard for us both to get out, but we have the itch. We think we are among the few couples this works for.

    When Marie goes out alone, it is always with people we have met together, people we trust, and we keep the cell phones handy. She has had several "boy-toys" over the years, all whom I met, and we had a mfm with them and I prior to any seperate play.

    We always know when the other is going out, has a coffee etc., unless a rare (as in not happened yet) occassion of, "by the way I saw Bill at Starbucks today, we shared a table"

    We have had others chase Marie seperately, and claim "well I thought you two were cool with seperate dates." But, they all know, that we are in this together, I meet all her friends, she meets all of mine, and mostly we are together for fun.

    This started for us because I was spending 3 months away on a job, and we both knew we would need some "relief". Sharing the dirty details is always fun afterwards.

    Tom

  17. Back To Top | #17

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Quote Originally Posted by payodie View Post
    OK even more good points. As far as meeting him in front of the people she works with, I don’t know what to say. I know at least one of the girls she works with knows about what we (talk about) do(ing), as for how it may be explained to the rest, I’m not sure…

    As far as her use of alcohol goes; this is usually not a problem, as I said we skipped lunch that day and she was drinking wine (not her usual choice) so the idea that it hit her a lot harder than expected is possible. Hard to admit (I am a man after all) but she could normally drink me under the table, she is a controlled drinker though and other than this night I cannot remember a time when she has gone overboard.
    That's encouraging. Personally I've had a time or two when I wished I'd stopped earlier than I did, or that I'd eaten more or drunk more water, etc. It can happen to anyone.

    Quote Originally Posted by payodie View Post
    As far as me worrying about the couples thing I only bring it up due to what I said before “a drunk will always tell the truth” and another poster had suggested it may become an ongoing problem. If we never play with another couple I am OK with that, as long as we are honest with each other. I think once we get past the current issue (assuming we do) I may post that scenario to see what others think without the much more important issue of the (secret) private meeting getting in the way.
    I bet you can get past it, as long as you are both cautious, use good judgment, and genuinely want to get past it. Sounds like you may have your priorities more in order.

    Does she get off work anytime soon? Have you decided what to do regarding this meeting from a safety standpoint?
    Through every dead and living thing, Time runs, like a fuse. -- Jackson Browne

  18. Back To Top | #18

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Thanks for the input, when we first started talking about this we came to the conclusion that we are definitely a same-room-same-bed type of couple. I am not interested in doing anything without her being a major part of it, and she says the same.

    I am very glad that you have an agreement that works for you both, as that is what is most important; it’s just not for us, I believe.

  19. Back To Top | #19

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Quote Originally Posted by The Fuse View Post
    Does she get off work anytime soon? Have you decided what to do regarding this meeting from a safety standpoint?
    I think I am going to be in the parking lot, with the home phone forwarded to the cell. If I get a call saying she needs to work late or worse, they look like they are going somewhere together, I will confront them.

    Your (brutally) honest comments on this have been very helpful, please keep them coming!!

  20. Back To Top | #20

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    I think the two of you need to talk this out a little more. If she can't handle "seeing you with someone else" then what would make her believe the opposite. Getting started in swinging with that attitude will only lead to trouble down the road. Swinging can't be one sided IMHO.

    Perhaps she should inform you that there is someone that she is interested in and that YOU should meet him first. That is the way we have handled it when she expresses interest in a single male. I have always met them first in a location alone. Then, and only then, if I approve, do I allow a meeting with all three of us. That is strictly for safety sake, and if they can't understand that, then oh well. The very last thing I would like to have is an altercation before, during or after playtime.

    I think the two of you need to sit down again (sober) and discuss what your expectations and desires are before you attempt to persue this any further.

  21. Back To Top | #21

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Here's how I see it. No, I don't think this kosher at all. First of all, it's not wise to let your wife meet up with him alone. She's not swinging alone with him, so meeting alone with him makes no sense.

    It doesn't matter if she's meeting him at work or not. Even though she would be in a public place and would be safe, it's really a moot point. You need to confront her regarding the meeting before she meets up with him.

    Someone else mentioned that it would suggest to others that either she's having an affair or being outed to her co-workers. That's a whole other ball of wax you'd have to deal with if that happened.

    When your wife wants to meet a man behind your back without consulting you first, you need to deal with that before worrying if she'll ever want to full swap with another couple. I believe that arranging a meeting behind your back is dishonest and distrustful. Swapping should be the last thing on your mind right now.

    You might be so excited to know that your wife is willing to meet with another man for a threesome right now (and then maybe later on with a couple) that you're not looking at the bigger picture.

    Please, communicate with your wife.

    Good luck.
    Dave & Holly

  22. Back To Top | #22

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Tell her you don't think you can "stand" knowing she is with another guy while you aren't there to offer her some security support. And then suggest that when she is comfortable with YOU having the same freedom she wishes to have, then you will be more amicable to her suggestions.
    Lastly, if she requires alcohol in order to get in the mood, perhaps this isn't the lifestyle that best suits her needs.

  23. Back To Top | #23

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    I guess it comes down to this: since I am not OK with her meeting this guy separately, and without telling me, then it is not OK.

    We will have to talk about this together. I will update you all.

    Thanks for the responses. I am so very glad I found this place

  24. Back To Top | #24

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Quote Originally Posted by payodie View Post
    I think I am going to be in the parking lot, with the home phone forwarded to the cell. If I get a call saying she needs to work late or worse, they look like they are going somewhere together, I will confront them.

    Your (brutally) honest comments on this have been very helpful, please keep them coming!!
    I am sorry for being that way. Thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt. I really hope everything turns out all right for you and your wife and that we get the chance to hear from you again, and her too.

    It sounds like you have the safety issue addressed, which is a relief. Chances are the guy is fine, but it's the "just in case" that's too important to take a chance.

    Best of luck and I hope you get the outcome you desire. Sounds like you really love your wife and that's like currency around here .
    Through every dead and living thing, Time runs, like a fuse. -- Jackson Browne

  25. Back To Top | #25

    Default Re: Is it OK to meet someone separately?

    Quote Originally Posted by payodie View Post
    If we never play with another couple I am OK with that, as long as we are honest with each other.
    And there's nothing wrong with that. Some swinger couples believe (and it's certainly fine that they do) that imbalanced swinging is bad. This isn't necessarily the case. It depends entirely on the couple. Some men thoroughly enjoy watching (and being involved with) their wives having sex with other men. I know I sure do. Some men don't have any particular interest in having sex with other women. They're content to have their wives have extra-marital sex. There's nothing wrong with that.

    Quote Originally Posted by payodie View Post
    I think I am going to be in the parking lot, with the home phone forwarded to the cell. If I get a call saying she needs to work late or worse, they look like they are going somewhere together, I will confront them.
    Distrust begets distrust. It's a self feeding monster. Either the two of you are together as a team or you are not. If you honestly feel there's something to be "gained" from being in the parking lot waiting to spring a "gotcha", then she has no business meeting him in the first place.

    I trust my wife to meet independently of me because I trust her 100%, without there ever being a shred of doubt. We work together, even if we're not right there in the same building at the same moment. If we aren't working together, we wait until we can communicate openly to each other. Team, or nothing happens. Period. This parking lot business is bad news.

    For what it's worth; my wife and I have done extensive note comparisons, and we've realized that anyone who is acceptable to her is acceptable to me. We've never disagreed. That's part of why meeting independently would work for us (though is hasn't happened as of this writing).

    Quote Originally Posted by payodie View Post
    I guess it comes down to this: since I am not OK with her meeting this guy separately, and without telling me, then it is not OK.
    Bingo. Either you're a team or you are not swinging.

    Quote Originally Posted by payodie View Post
    I am so very glad I found this place
    This is one of the best forums on the net! I think I speak for many in saying we're glad you're here

    Also, just wanted to add; The Fuse has been spot on!

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