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  1. Back To Top | #1

    Question How "out" are you?

    Coming from San Francisco and not having kids and working for a large, liberal, multi-national company, we are out. Very out. Everyone who knows us well knows we're kinky and play with others. The folks I work with know. Even my boss knows. ( Went to a costume party he was at in full fetish leather complete with chains and whips etc. He looked at it and said. "Ahhh.... that's not a costume is it? His wife later asked where we met one of our girl friends. "At an orgy" was Sam's reply. "Sam" is my wife's nickname)

    We're out but we are also very discrete about others. "Out" and "Open and Honest" does not preclude respecting confidentiality. We are scrupulous about confidentiality.

    My question for the board is how "out" folks are about their lifestyle outside the very open and out San Francisco area.

    We find life much easier being out. We don't worry about being "outed" and telling "white lies" about where we went when attending events. We try not to offend and push our lifestyle into someone's face but when asked a question we give a full and truthful answer. In general, as long as we're comfortable saying it without an attitude and without being pushy, they don't have a problem.

    This leads to some great discussions with vanilla folks. Also, people interested in the lifestyle or leather scene know they can approach us. We've made some swing friends this way but more often play the role of mentor or coach, helping them get into the lifestyle.

    Thoughts everyone?

    Hugs,

    Alan

    BTW, the comment to my boss's wife wouldn't have been made to folks who weren't already aware of our play. That would be too pushy for us.
    The flogging will continue until moral improves

  2. Back To Top | #2

    Post

    We are "out" to an extent. Most people who know us well know that I do adult sites (including my amateur site) for a living. Pretty much all of our good friends know about our lifestyle.

    Since I work for myself I don't have the worry of a boss, but my last job was for an adult toystore so there, everyone knew. I think sometimes my old boss thought it was all his fault because we started all of this after I started working there.

    Hubby's job is another story. He doesn't feel the need for people there to know. I think some of them know I design adult sites, but for the most part what people know is that I "design websites" and we leave it at that.

    A year ago I took a class at the local college on "Internet Marketing". When introduction time came I just told everyone I did website design for a living and left it at that. It was a little difficult now and then when people wanted examples becuase I only have a few sites that aren't adult related that I've done. Towards the end of the semester they we had to do our final project, which was to create a marketing plan for an online business. Well rather than come up with something fake and waste my time I thought it would be better spent actually creating a marketing plan for a site I currently run, and chose this one. Needless to say, the last day of class everyone found out just what kind of sites I run. I got a 4.0 in the class and on my project so I guess I did ok. Looking back I almost think it would have been a hell of a lot easier if I'd just told them from the beginning "I do adult sites".
    The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

  3. Back To Top | #3

    Talking

    We're out as much as we think we can get away with. Family...uhhh NO! Well one exception, Maggie's brother. Who is wanting to attend the next social with us LOL.

    Most our friends know we go to socials. Some question it from time to time. But, we wouldn't broach the subject with "new" friends. We don't bring it up with our "old" friends either. But, we do address it when they bring it up.

    I guess we fall into the coach/mentor catagory also. We get hit with a lot of serious questions from our vanilla friends. And, have introduced a lot of people to the lifestyle over the last year.
    Phonies and Fakes Need not apply. We're as real as it gets, and don't have time to be wasting on dumbasses.

  4. Back To Top | #4

    Post

    Hmmm, due to the fact that we still have children at home and are very active with their school and live in a very, very small town, we are not out.

    There is only one person who is not in the lifestyle that knows what we do, a close friend we invited to play with us, he passed on the opprotunity, but respects what we do and thinks that if it makes us happy then go for it, it just wasn't his thing.

    The only other people whom we have told is my best friend...I had kept it from her for over two years, which was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, as next to my husband she is the one person I am closest to and whom I have always told everything...I had always said that if she ever asked, I would not lie about it...well she called one day stating that she had a very serious question for me...she was thinking about arranging a FMF threesome for her husband for his 41st birthday and wanted to know if I had ever done it...I asked if she wanted to know the truth, she said yes and I told her we had been in the lifestyle for quite a while...the result of that conversation is that now her husband and her are doing research and looking into the lifestyle, and I can once again tell my best friend everything, lol.

    We feel that once our children are all grown (they are the only reason we keep things in the closet) and out of the house,(7 1/2 years left to go, lol) we really don't care who knows, including family, as we feel what we do together is our business and no one elses.

    Teresa

    [ 02-26-2002: Message edited by: TNT ]
    Ted and Teresa
    No lifetime is enough unless you live it in such a way as to make it enough.

  5. Back To Top | #5

    Cool

    We are also "Not Out" because of our children. I just retired so I could care less what anyone at the workplace thought of our hobbies. However, you always must protect your interests where children are concerned. The DHS would absolutely delight in taking children away from anyone they deemed to be inappropriate parents. The pious asses... most don't even HAVE children.

    Often, when we associate with regular, non-lifestyle friends, we both catch ourselves almost messing up and making a statement that would surely raise eyebrows! You have to be careful in those respects.

    Then, my parents are big in their church and their community. I can see it now, them being barred from their positions and friends because of our lifestyle! Whether that happened or not, they'd never in a thousand years understand it.

    We really enjoy communicating our thoughts and ideas with other swingers, but it's often a lonely path. Parties and playing guests are bright spots, but family, work, school.... all are of different priorities. They are basics, and whether we like it or not, they must come first and foremost. THEN playing... LOL

    Ron, Husband of Stratecpl
    "Well behaved women rarely make history"

  6. Back To Top | #6

    Post

    My wife and I keep our lifestyle as private as possible. We live in eastern Canada, a very conservative area by nature, plus my wife runs her own business and is adament this doesn't get out. I'd consider confiding in one or two close friends, but she's uncomfortable with that as well. Needless to say, having family know would be on par with catching the clap.

    Aside from others in the lifestyle, our lips are sealed.

    Dan

  7. Back To Top | #7

    Post

    Originally posted by Stratecpl:
    I just retired so I could care less what anyone at the workplace thought of our hobbies.

    Ron, ya lucky dog!!!

    Dan

  8. Back To Top | #8

    Post

    We have been in the lifestyle for nearly 20 years. We always kept our activities secret until 6 years ago when we decided to open a club. Not wanting our grown children to find out from another source we had them all over for a family dinner and dropped the bomb. To our utter delight our kids responded with 'What you chose to do is your business, we love you for who you are'.
    Would we advise anyone to 'out themselvess'? NO
    However, if someone you deeply care about should ask. We say be honest. They would not ask if they weren't pretty sure of the answer. And we feel anyone who cares for us deserves an honest answer to any question.
    The people who love you will love you no matter what. Even the guy on death row has someone who loves him.

  9. Back To Top | #9

    Post

    For the owners of Close Encounters --

    First of all, thanks for an insightful and intelligent response to the question posed by SagaCapt.

    Secondly, I'd like to ask a question if I may. If you've seen some of our posts in previous threads, you may be aware my wife and I have been involved in the lifestyle for a few years now. She's an attractive woman who also happens to be a BBW. What I'm wondering is, do you have members in your club who share the same physical attributes -- in other words couples with a variety of shapes and sizes, outside the stereotypical image of slim and young so often depicted in swinging ads and sites.


    Thanks,
    Dan

  10. Back To Top | #10

    Post

    CandianCouple...I know Pee Wee or Gail will answer your question for you, but I thought you would like to hear from someone who also goes to their club...YES...there are people there of all shapes and sizes and they are all beautiful people and some of the nicest people in the world at that. We have an absolute blast every time we go....

    By the way Pee Wee and Gail, we're planning a trip over in a couple of weeks...so see you then.
    Ted and Teresa
    No lifetime is enough unless you live it in such a way as to make it enough.

  11. Back To Top | #11

    Post

    Ted and Teresa --

    Thanks for letting me know, it was something I was just curious about. Sounds like a nice club to belong to.

    Gotta run, it's (yawn) almost 6:30 AM here. Another day beckons. Have a good one, you two.

    Dan

  12. Back To Top | #12

    Post

    Are we out about our lifestyle?
    Most think we are fairly layed back,open people.Like the comment Stratecpl made about sometimes things slipping out raising eyebrows.Though we don't come right out and say we are swingers,where,who and what we do is not discussed.But comments are made by the hubby things like going to nude beaches,comments bringing a female home,and stuff like that.People laugh it off and often say he is lucky I am so easygoing about the stuff he says.They look like they wait for me to beat him about the head for it.LOL.They must wonder tho but we never come right out and say.

  13. Back To Top | #13

    Unhappy

    As to how OUT we are more Out than we want to be at this point, Yesterday our son wasn't feeling well at school and he told his teacher to e-mail us at this screen name and that its the one we use to visit the swingers board. needless to say when lea found this out she hit the roof, my poor son he didn't know that he said anything wrong. Now lea is dreading parent teacher confences next week. So sorry Julie but your site is now for those wooden swing sets lol .
    Ken
    hmmmmm..... Let me see.... Yeah, we can do that!

  14. Back To Top | #14

    Post

    Originally posted by kennlea:
    So sorry Julie but your site is now for those wooden swing sets lol .
    Ken
    LMAO. OMG, that's too funny. Sorry about that, kids say the darnedest things I guess. Amazing what kids do know and see, whether they understand what they see or not.
    The Swinger Manual - all the info from the Swingers Board in one convenient book

  15. Back To Top | #15

    Post

    CanadianCouple,
    Not just our club but most clubs are made up of the same people you see in the mall. Some big some small some rich some poor some tall some short some young some old. Swingers are first and foremost People and there is no mold for that.
    As for the BBW our last winner in our Wife of the month competition fits well into that catagory.

  16. Back To Top | #16

    Post

    TnT,
    Looking forward to seeing ya'll (translation for non-southerners "the both of you")

  17. Back To Top | #17

    Default

    Where I live now, no one knows. I will be starting a new life in NYC within a few months, and I will let everyone know--present and future friends--when I move there that I'm Poly.

  18. Back To Top | #18

    Default

    Well now we've gone and done it...

    I've known one of my vanilla friends since high-school. We had drifted apart and I hadn't seen her for years until she contacted me through that Classmates web site about three years ago.

    Now she was always a wild one back in the day, and I'll admit to having a bit of a lust thing for her back then (funny thing is, that's all gone now.) In fact, my first abortive attempt at a swap was with her and her boyfriend at the time.

    She's been married about 20 years now, no kids, and J and I get together with the two of them every couple of months. So, anyway, she'd seemed a bit down the last time we all went out, so I thought, maybe she'd like to get involved with our little LJ community and make some friends. But, showing her my journal would mean 'outing' us to them.

    I considered this for a while and checked with J to make sure she wouldn't mind and then sent 'L' a note about my journal with a bit of a warning about what she might see and hear. I made sure to say that it wasn't a proposition, just a chance to meet some nice people. I figured that she'd always seemed pretty open about sex, so she'd probably understand.

    However, despite my best efforts, she somehow thought that we were inviting them to swing with us and our 'swinger friends'. She mentioned that she'd 'been there done that' and almost seemed like she was ashamed of the way she'd been back then. She them said that her husband would likely not want to get together with us for a while, because she was going to let him know and that he would be uncomfortable around us now. She wanted to know if we'd still be friends even though they had no interest in swinging.

    I reassurred her that we would still be friends and that we didn't mean it to sound like a proposition, but I think the damage is already done.

    So, I guess I didn't know her quite as well as I thought I did. I'm glad it's out in the open though, although it remains to be seen what the relationship will be now and whether it was worth it.

    -B
    "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
    All about us...

  19. Back To Top | #19

    Default

    Nope, Bear and I are not really out. We both agree that it would be a pain in the ass. However, we do not lie. We operate under the don't ask, don't tell rule. I tell people we meet with friends, go to clubs, etc. Do I tell them I have sex? Nope. If my mother goes out with her friends, do I want to know if they have sex? Hell no.

    Some close friends know. Friends in the lifestyle know. If asked, I would be totally honest as I feel nothing but good has come from Bear and I being in the lifestyle. Sadly, coming out would just be a hassle.

    Bear wants me to finish up know so he can post his two cents or rather his buck ninety-nine.

    Cheers Bunny

  20. Back To Top | #20

    Default

    Would have to say we are Not Out mainly because of our children at home, and because of our familues. He was raised in a very strong church home that condems swinging. So we try to make sure that his family don't find out, and we don't feel that her mom needs to know.
    T & T

  21. Back To Top | #21

    Default

    Bunny pretty well summed it up. But then, one thing I've not seen really addressed in this thread is, how do you define "out"?

    Sure, we could put a sign in the front yard that reads "We are swingers!" or what-have-you. Or a bumper sticker that read the same. Or I would wear my swingersboard.com tee shirt when I go for walks around the neighborhood. You get the idea. Is this "out"?

    Either way, in the final analysis, what does it buy us? How does it profit Bunny and I to promulgate to the world that we are swingers?

    We have an adolescent daughter who is really not ready for that sort of information about us. In a few years, sure. But now? At thirteen? I don't think so (but then I also know the particulars of our situation, whereas the rest of you do not, so you will just have to take my word for it). So there is one reason for not wearing the fact on our shirtsleeves.

    Some of my close friends know. Some act a bit scandalized, but knowing that bunch as I do, I'll wager they are secretly envious. One has even been to a party, and enjoyed herself immensely. But then, my close friends and I don't usually keep very many secrets from each other, so...

    Family? No. Neither hers nor mine. After you cut through all the b.s., there is no reason for them to know. Our families are like most people in general; not prudes per se, but they don't have the swinger mindset. Most people don't, truth be known. So advertising that we swing to our families doesn't get us anything but a lot of grief.

    On the other hand, we don't go out of our way to hide it, either. Our pictures can be seen on a number of swinger web sites, we have our own Yahoo group, etc.

    Bottom line is that there are some people, generally family members, that we just flat don't tell (and anyone who does not "get" the reasons why, I'm not going to waste time explaining it, as you are beyond hope). Nor do we tell anyone else who is not actually involved with us in the lifestyle, with very few exceptions (such as some trusted friends, and even then it's not something we discuss all the time).

    But neither do we cower at the thought of someone finding out, either. And our "security" is sufficiently lax that if someone wanted to do a serious background check on us, they would find out we are swingers in short order. And if they did, aside from some embarassment as relates to our families, so what? Houston is not San Francisco or New York (thank God), but it's not Greenbow, Alabama either.

    When you get down to it, *going out of one's way* (note emphasis here) to advertise that you are a swinger, especially to non-swingers, and even moreso to those who are not close to you (such as co-workers or casual acquaintances, let alone strangers) is yet another example of profligate narcissism, of the sort one usually associates with many gays.

    Sorry, but that sort of undignified behavior does not appeal to us.

    -- Bear

  22. Back To Top | #22
    Mr&Mrs-naughty
    Guest Mr&Mrs-naughty's Avatar

    Default Mrs here-

    Mr and I were just speaking of this very thing yesterday........

    we do not discuss our activities with our friends or family, however, I believe the ones that REALLY know us would not raise an eyebrow if we were to tell them.

    We are known as
    'crazy'
    fun
    'nuts'facelick
    ......none of which I view as a bad thing.

  23. Back To Top | #23

    Default

    Back at the Ranch (the BIG state of Texas) we were pretty much closeted to friends and family but not to members of our swing club. Now we're "Slutty In Seattle" ha ha ha


    Slutty Wife
    "Too much of a good thing is wonderful!." -- Mae West

  24. Back To Top | #24

    Default

    Originally posted by BradAndJanet


    So, I guess I didn't know her quite as well as I thought I did.

    -B
    We met a lady soon after we returned to America and remained friends through two husbands and countless boyfriends for about fifteen years. She and Mrs. Alura had discussed a threesome early in the friendship, when Mary was still single, and "Mary" agreed it would be fun but it never happened.

    One Sunday, Mary's husband "Bill" and I were working on his motorcycle in my garage when I noticed he seemed upset. He said Mary was angry because she had come into the garage and "caught him" looking at a calendar on my wall. (It was a bikinied lady who looked much like Mrs. Alura when I first met her.) "She's so damned jealous, it's driving me nuts!" he said.

    He had to rush home from work every day because if he was a few minutes late, she'd accuse him of stopping off at some woman's house for a quickie. She had also "caught him" masturbating and was furious about that at the time.

    For a few hours, while turning wrenches and chasing parts, Bill and I talked about jealousy. During the course of the conversation, as a way of showing him how jealousy and love don't relate, I told him about our hobby. There was never any suggestion of playing. Both of us agreed Mary would not understand. He said he'd never tell her (about our swinging) because she'd not understand. I agreed.

    The next day my office phone rang and Mary ranted at me for about fifteen minutes, accusing me of trying to trick her husband into wanting to "swap wives" with us. She slammed down the phone. We haven't heard from them since. That's been almost six years.

    The saddest part was when the boys asked, "How come we don't get to play with the "Jones" kids anymore? They never come over." I didn't really have an answer.

    Mr. Alura

  25. Back To Top | #25

    Default

    A great pity for all that "Bill" couldn't honour your joint decision not to let "Mary" in on the truth about Mrs A and yourself.
    It's not going to be an orgy. It's a toga party . . .

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