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  1. Back To Top | #26

    Default Re: Newbie Mistakes

    Quote Originally Posted by LikeMinds321
    QUI'm not surprised that I confused and upset some people. Even after I posted I wondered if I would truly be able to use another name at a club. But I decided to leave my post as it was.

    Let me give some background, and by the time I'm finished I may change my own mind . . . or at least explain my reasoning in a way that may garner a little more understanding from others.

    My husband has been a prominent business man in our town for over twenty-five years. In the first ten years of his business he was in the newspaper and on television often. People he didn't know would approach him in public to shake his hand and tell him they saw him on TV or read about his work. He even had a weekly radio show for many years.
    LM..Not to offend... but if you are that high profile..why swing??You have to know that the chance of being "outed" is high if you are well known?


    Quote Originally Posted by LikeMinds321
    He doesn't appear in the paper or on TV any longer, but I am worried that when people see him they may think this guy looks so familiar, and all it will take is for Mr LM to say his first name and *click* the people will know who we are.

    We have attended only one club. It was an off-premise club that meets once a month at various hotels. Those who attend often reserve a room for the night, so in a way, it becomes an on-premise club but with more privacy. It was apparent to us that people were having sex that night with people they met at the club. They'd disappear for awhile, then come back all showered with wet hair. Ten minutes later they'd be heading up to their suite again. The dance floor was hopin' with people feeling each other up and kissing. This is what the scene is like for clubs that meet only once a month. People meet and have sex. They may never have sex with that person again. They may never see that person again. I have read that some people never even exchange names.
    Yes that is something that happens alot at clubs...one reason why we generally dont hook up with people at clubs..sorry but i still want to know a little about you before we get naked....

    Quote Originally Posted by LikeMinds321
    We introduced ourselves to maybe thirty people that night. That's thirty people we determined--after chatting 5-10 minutes--we weren't interested in swinging with. Would it really have been so terrible if we used another first name? I don't think so. If we met a couple who we would want to continue to see, outside the club, we would let them know then and there that we use a "club name" when we're clubbing.
    That would be the point we would say.."See ya"!....Sorry but Lies are the biggest deal breakers with us.....

    Quote Originally Posted by LikeMinds321
    Most people on the Swingers Board don't use their real name. They create a User Name and sign with that name. Why? Privacy.
    Yes..and the fact that there are too many weirdos out there and this is not a private board..so any one can read the posts...it would be foolish to use your real name here....

    Quote Originally Posted by LikeMinds321
    On our swinger ad sites we always use our real first names. We have control over who can see our faces with an ad. There is more privacy with ads.
    We do too but still block our faces...again..too many pscycos out there....we were once approached at a supermarket.by a dude that we said no thank to on a site..because he recognized us from our pics...

    Quote Originally Posted by LikeMinds321
    It was probably a mistake to go to a local club. If we every go to a club again it will be far away from our home town. In another state we wouldn't feel uncomfortable giving people our first names.

    LM
    Yea...probably..but we have met many local couples at far away clubs and many far away couples at local clubs..so go figure....

    Mr B facelick

  2. Back To Top | #27

    Default Re: Newbie Mistakes

    Quote Originally Posted by misterbates

    LM..Not to offend... but if you are that high profile..why swing??You have to know that the chance of being "outed" is high if you are well known?
    This is a very good question, and one we discussed in detail when we comtemplated becoming involved in the lifestyle.

    We agreed that we couldn't get into swinging unless we believed in it and felt no guilt about it; this is the case. We know that if someone tells us they know we are swingers, we won't hide that fact.

    Great moments in life often arrive through taking risks. Being swingers is a risk. Even before we swung the discussions Mr LM and I have had, because of our decision to swing, has made us closer. There is more to swinging than sex. This is why we swing. Because my husband is more high profile than most isn't going to stop us from swinging. This isn't an impulsive decision for us. We have given it great thought and know we want to add this new dimension to our relationship.

    We are using caution now that we didn't use at the start.

    Afterall, this thread is titled Newbie Mistakes, and I am trying to share what I felt was our biggest first mistake and how I might have done things differently then--and maybe now--by using a "club name." I don't believe we will ever go to a local club again misterbates, but when we did then, I wish we would have used a "club name."

    Should we visit a club when we travel out of state no one will know us and I'm sure we will feel very comfortable using our real first names.

    LM

  3. Back To Top | #28

    Default Re: Newbie Mistakes

    This is kind of interesting as we have a fairly high profile couple that attends our local club, and although they use ficticious names at the club, most everyone knows their real names simply because he is pretty well known.
    R (He is R, she is P)

  4. Back To Top | #29

    Default Re: Newbie Mistakes

    When I first tried swing as a single man after my girlfriend moved out of state, I thought the same things I did to meet people at the club as part of a couple would work. Big mistake.

    I went to a club two weeks after my girlfriend moved and three women who were all over me three weeks before actually laughed in my face when I tried to ask about their trip to Brazil. They said I was trying too hard and I was just trying to make conversation. Then I turned down a couple that were just too drunk for me to feel comfortable around them. They got me kicked out by making a scene. hmm...single man, couple, swing club, arguing...single man loses.

    After a year of similar experiences at two more clubs (and over a thousand dollars wasted) I gave up the idea of swinging until lightning strikes again and I happen to meet a single woman already involved in the lifestyle and willing to let me into her world as well. Being myself didn't work, since they knew me as "BW's ex-boyfriend", not as Aaron.

    I've given up on the idea of actually swinging since there are few, if any, people online interested in meeting a single man in my area and no clubs where I can go and introduce myself.

    Doesn't mean I won't share what I've learned over the years.
    "Style is not lusting after somone because they are cool. Style is loving yourself till everyone else does too."

    Prince

  5. Back To Top | #30

    Default Re: Newbie Mistakes

    Quote Originally Posted by biblonde
    Our worst mistake was a couple months ago..and nope not a newbie then..lol I have been played by so many men pretending to be single females that when I got an email from a female I went to yahoo to chatt and IT sounded so much like a man I told them...Look prove to me

    Ask them there pantyhose size most men have no clue how those things are sized not even married guys. It has fended of several men possing as women during our internet play time.

  6. Back To Top | #31

    Default Re: Newbie Mistakes

    Quote Originally Posted by CB_n_Red
    That was pretty well our biggest mistake early on - in fact it happened the first time we played with another couple as opposed to a single male. We went along with the intention of it being a purely social meet. Inevitably, after a few drinks (and then a few more) it seemed like a great idea to go for it there and then. Not that we were planning soft swing though. Anyway, it ended up in separate rooms - not a good idea as it turned out. We put it down to inexperience and didn't worry about it.

    CB
    As someone who does not want to make a similar mistake...

    We've not had our first experience yet and as I stated in another thread, we are going to our first club this coming Saturday. Now we've said that we're just going to go and meet people, check things out, etc. But we've also said that we won't 'do' anything unless we really, really want to...but we are both so turned on by just the concept of all of this. I know being turned on and fantasy is completely different that actually doing these things though.

    So why is it bad to 'jump right in' and why is separate rooms bad? And what is 'soft sing'?

    Thanks!

  7. Back To Top | #32

    Default Re: Newbie Mistakes

    Quote Originally Posted by Newbies46514
    As someone who does not want to make a similar mistake...
    Well...it wasn't a really bad one! Certainly livable with and it didn't put either of us off.

    Quote Originally Posted by Newbies46514
    We've not had our first experience yet and as I stated in another thread, we are going to our first club this coming Saturday. Now we've said that we're just going to go and meet people, check things out, etc. But we've also said that we won't 'do' anything unless we really, really want to...but we are both so turned on by just the concept of all of this. I know being turned on and fantasy is completely different that actually doing these things though.
    That sounds like a pretty healthy approach. The good bit about clubs is that lack of pressure to do anything. We've only attended one once and we did nothing with anyone else (except sharing the sauna). We still had a great time though. We know a couple who went to a club 5 times before playing with others. Not a problem!

    You're right though - be sure about what you want out of the experience. It's guaranteed you'll both be turned on by it anyway.

    As it says in large friendly letters on the cover of the book : Don't Panic!

    Quote Originally Posted by Newbies46514
    So why is it bad to 'jump right in' and why is separate rooms bad? And what is 'soft sing'?

    Thanks!
    Soft swing is usually taken to mean any sort of interaction with others short of penetrative sex, though different people do have varying definitions. It can be as mild as playing with your own partner in the same room as others are doing the same, though more often it will include some touching with others and maybe oral.

    We don't think it's necessarily bad to jump straight in. Probably depends on just how well you and your partner have talked it all through beforehand. Same goes for same vs separate room. We like same room because we like to see each other enjoying themselves (and being on hand if something isn't working quite right) but separate rooms can work fine as well. All depends on how well you get on with the other couple. Of course there is always the possibilty of indulging in a bit of both!

    The key thing I reckon is to stay with whatever feel comfortable with. Go with no expectations and just enjoy yourselves! Hope it goes well.

    CB
    Take all things in moderation....including moderation

  8. Back To Top | #33

    Default Re: Newbie Mistakes

    Quote Originally Posted by Newbies46514
    So why is it bad to 'jump right in' and why is separate rooms bad? And what is 'soft sing'?

    Thanks!
    I know just in my own experiance the separate rooms was bad because the men were not as ready as they thought they were to share their wives and should have started with just soft swing to make it easier to move into the whole switching partners thing. They both experienced performance issues while in the separate rooms as well, however when we were in the same room there was no issue and everything went well.

    It seems to be a matter of working your way into things slowly so you have a chance to work out any issues that may arise. The husband of the other couple thought he was mentally ready to swing (in fact we all thought he woudl be the one most suited to the lifestyle) but when it came down to it he had the most problems sharing his wife. We took a step back and did soft swing, first having sex with our own partner in the same room, the next time we played a bit with each other partners and then had sex with our own, and then went with a full swap, and by that time we were mentally able to handle it. I hope that helps a little bit.
    "Well! Evil to some is always good to others." - Jane Austen

  9. Back To Top | #34

    Default newbie mistakes

    PM #7
    UsAtHome
    Registered User

    Join Date: Jul 2004
    Location: Michigan
    I am a: Couple
    Posts: 6

    Default Re: Best situation for first time
    ok, we are somewhat 'newbies'......what all do you consider to be newbie mistakes??
    I am sure we have made our share and just do not know it

  10. Back To Top | #35
    Chimpin' Ain't Easy Spoomonkey's Avatar
    Status
    Married Monkeys - will you be our vine?
    SLS Handle
    Spoomonkey

    Default Re: newbie mistakes

    Top Ten Newbie Mistakes:

    10. Putting on the "Strap On" backwards
    9. Ruminating on how much it "tastes like chicken"
    8. Putting pictures of your Social Security Card on your personal ad
    7. Putting flyers in all the neighborhood mailboxes
    6. Asking the other husband, "So how's this bitch work, anyway?"
    5. "Assuming" they're into watersports
    4. Asking if you can get the "rode hard and hung out wet" discount
    3. Screaming, "I'm CUMMMMING!" in that funny Elmo voice
    2. Telling your new playmate she kisses like your sister

    And the number one newbie mistake:

    Explaining how you plan to tattoo all of your "conquests" on your impressive three inch weiner...

    Spoomonkey
    "Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities." - C. S. Lewis

  11. Back To Top | #36

    Default Re: newbie mistakes

    Cute Spoo.

    Newbie mistakes... hmmm...

    Well here are some of the first few things we learned the hard way, and we learned them all at the same time.

    1) Don't meet a couple at home for dinner with their kids there on your first meeting.
    2) The OTHER couple's relationship is just as important as yours.
    3) If the other couple can't be civil and respectful of each other, do you really want to hand YOUR spouse over to their charms for the evening? I think not...
    4) Come up with a 'yea or nay' code to communicate discretely with one another. Ordering a tequila shooter (which tends to make your panties fall off) might be the thumbs-up, while ordering beer (which makes you puke) tells your partner "I'd rather roll in horseshit before I'd have sex with this clown. We're outta here." It could be a phrase, a particular topic you discuss, a gesture... whatever you like. Just make sure you can recognize it and others can't.
    5) Don't travel 9 hours for a first meet-up.

    There's soooo much more, but you can read the book.
    You know how your driving instructor told you to drive defensively? Well my advice is, "Swing defensively." That doesn't mean you don't have to be courteous and charming, it just means don't assume anything! People can be really weird about sex.
    Fear is a symptom of ignorance. Knowledge is the cure.

  12. Back To Top | #37
    Chimpin' Ain't Easy Spoomonkey's Avatar
    Status
    Married Monkeys - will you be our vine?
    SLS Handle
    Spoomonkey

    Default Re: newbie mistakes

    Quote Originally Posted by intuition897
    5) Don't travel 9 hours for a first meet-up.
    Don't we live roughly 9 hours away???



    Spoomonkey
    "Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities." - C. S. Lewis

  13. Back To Top | #38

    Default Re: newbie mistakes

    I don't know. Check Yahoo maps.

    We had to drive 1 1/2 hours to drop the kids off, 3 hours to meet the couple (for an evening that was a total train wreck), 3 hours back to pick the kids up, then 1 1/2 hours back home, kids in tow. It was the stupidest thing we've done to date.
    Fear is a symptom of ignorance. Knowledge is the cure.

  14. Back To Top | #39

    Default Re: newbie mistakes

    Gee Intuition, you should have just drove on to Reno.

    I think the three biggest mistakes we made at first were.

    1. We had way to many rules, it quickly became apparent that a lot of our boundries just weren't workable if we intended to be able to loosen up and have fun at this.

    2. At first we thought it would be really hard to find willing play partners so we weren't very particular. We both ended up "taking one for the team" because of this which culminated one night when on the way home discussing the evening we realized we had both taken one for the team with the same couple thinking the other was really into their partner. We have since become more particular about our play partners and have learned to communicate better before agreeing to play.

    3. Be very careful who you confide in about being a swinger. We learned the hard way that it is real easy to confide in the wrong vanilla (non swinging) friend and become the topic of the week in the gossip circle.
    R (He is R, she is P)

  15. Back To Top | #40

    Default Re: newbie mistakes

    6. Asking the other husband, "So how's this bitch work, anyway?"

    i love this one, gotta try that lol

  16. Back To Top | #41

    Default Re: newbie mistakes

    7. Putting flyers in all the neighborhood mailboxes



    They were all funny, but this one REALLY cracked me up!!

  17. Back To Top | #42

    Default Re: newbie mistakes

    11. Work really, really hard to keep your posts here and your posts on the PTA board separate.

    (i'm developing a complex about my spelling)

  18. Back To Top | #43

    Default Re: newbie mistakes

    Quote Originally Posted by good times
    2. At first we thought it would be really hard to find willing play partners so we weren't very particular. We both ended up "taking one for the team" because of this which culminated one night when on the way home discussing the evening we realized we had both taken one for the team with the same couple thinking the other was really into their partner. We have since become more particular about our play partners and have learned to communicate better before agreeing to play.
    OMG GT, I can just see the "after play conversation"..........GT:What do you mean, you weren't really into him? I thought you were loving it. Mrs. GT: No, I thought YOU were really into HER? Then the moment of contemplative silence.....looking at each other with that "oh shit, did we just.....?" look on your faces.

  19. Back To Top | #44

    Default Re: newbie mistakes

    1. Not communicating your own thoughts and feelings with your partner.
    2. Going too fast.
    3. Letting the lifestyle take over your relationship.

  20. Back To Top | #45

    Default Re: newbie mistakes

    Y'all are cracking me up! I'm so glad I found this thread before making any of these blunders. This fncpl is plodding along doing the online thing. Are there mistakes that are specific to the club scene? Part of me says that it would be easier to do the club thing,but I've heard that it is kinda rough for the shy.

  21. Back To Top | #46

    Default Basic Newbie Swinger Mistakes

    These are some things I think are mistakes the normal WSSC makes in swinging (White Suburban Swinger Couple, and yes I say this in jest to societies use of acronyms for everything).

    1. Being afraid of the clubs.
    We were afraid of what kind of wack jobs we would meet at the clubs, how 'seedy' they would be etc. Well we did meet wack jobs, mostly wack jobs like us. Now the club experience isn't for everyone, nor will everyone there be the kind of couple you would be interested in, and sometimes they can be a turn off if there is no one you would be interested in there, but its the best chance to meet 'real' swingers quickly and size them up. One "Hello my name is" in person is worth 10 emails.

    2. Expecting a fantasy couple.
    If you are the average WSSC couple, you are going to be average in looks too. Swinging might be a sexual fantasy level activity for you, but don't expect to be getting calls from people who look like they could be models. It can happen, but not often, and by not often I mean really really rare.

    3. Only wanting to start with a newbie couple.
    The problem with two newbie couples is neither has a clue what to do to bring it to the 'next level'. Someone has to be the first to take their clothes off and be comfortable with doing so. This is something we are not good at, and even today its a hell of a lot easier if the other couple says 'lets do it' first. Going at your own pace is important, but making awkward small talk waiting for 'something' to happen isn't going to get you what you really want out of it.

    4. Expecting couples to 'woo' them.
    I've seen this a few times in responses from newbie couples. I don't think anyone is here to romance you into sex at some level. By the time you put that swinger add up you should be ready to have some sort of sex with another couple, soft or otherwise, if not keep talking with your spouse until you both feel ready, don't count on others to make you feel ready.

    5. Being 'friends first'
    Ok this is a biggie. So you are expecting to meet people you have never seen in your life before, for sex, but first you will strike up a friendship relationship, so you feel comfortable having sex later? Good luck. I won't call it impossible for this to work out, but just like waiting for the super models to call you, its going to be a rare one. Making new friends can be hard enough, but doing it with the underlying 'tension' of swinging is just damn near impossible. If the sex aspect is 'out of the way' you have a much better chance of being friends later. Rather then looking for friends first, look for the kind of people you could be friends with.

    6. Expecting people to come to you.
    We aren't party people so this one applies to us as much as anyone. Clubs are basically parties where you KNOW people are going to get laid, but they are still parties. The exact same social dynamics that apply to vanilla parties apply to swingers parties, even more so. If you are by yourselves in a corner looking nervous odds are few will come talk to you, they might assume you are just there to watch, or are a drama bomb waiting to happen do to your apparent discomfort. Treat it like any party, just because you talk to people and are being social doesn't mean you need to have sex with them.

    7. Getting desperate.
    This may seem a bit contradictory, but just like some people are afraid to move forward, others are so desperate to move forward they make bad choices on partners. Yes it can take a lot of time to find people you are comfortable with, but don't 'settle' just so you can swing. A bad early experience may color one of you against swinging forever, while a good first experience would do the opposite. BE PATIENT, you have time, and as long as you are realistic you should find what you are looking for.

    I wrote this for another thread but felt it would be better on its own. Feel free to add your on mistakes. Some of these we made ourselves and others we have seen people make, I'm sure there are a lot I haven't covered.

  22. Back To Top | #47

    Default Re: Basic newbie swinging mistakes.

    How about assuming your getting the truth?
    I know I was born. I know that I'll die. The in between is mine. (PJ)

  23. Back To Top | #48

    Default Re: Basic newbie swinging mistakes.

    resident martian anthropologist...observing the hole.....er.....whole.

  24. Back To Top | #49

    Default Re: Basic newbie swinging mistakes.

    We're a new couple, interested more in public sex than swinging at this time. We've been to a local club a couple of times and really enjoyed ourselves.

    I'm commenting on this post (this is my first time posting here after lurking for so long) b/c I wanted to tip my hat to the OP for a concise, to the point 'how to' thread. Thanks for taking the time, I appreciate it.

  25. Back To Top | #50

    Default Re: Basic newbie swinging mistakes.

    Excellent Chicup, I can only think of one other mistake we see quite often.

    Being possessive of playmates,
    We see this one often and have had it happen to us on occasion. This mainly applies to the club situation but can also happen when a couple expects a playmate they have played with to meet them whenever they are available. What usually happens is that the newbie finally meets and plays with a couple and has a great time, then whenever they see that couple at the club or have time available they expect that couple to play with them. If this couple they played with before isn't in the mood, or has other plans, they then take it personally and get upset. Newbies often seem to take it especially bad if the couple they played with can't meet/play with them because they are meeting or playing with someone else. So, if you play with someone, don't assume they will want to play with you every time they see you, or that they would want to play with you to the exclusion of others. It doesn't hurt to ask, but if they decline don't take it personally or assume they never want to play with you again.
    R (He is R, she is P)

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