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  1. Back To Top | #1

    Default Is swinging right for us?

    So many people have recommended this site to us. We're amazed at the community here! We've had an add on SLS for a couple months now, but aren't getting the results we were hoping for. Since we're new, maybe you could tell us anything that we're doing wrong. (SLS PROFILE )

    For one, we're starting slow. We want to find friends that we can enjoy their company on both sides of the bedroom door. Just watching each other and playing strip poker is all we want to start with. Within 12 hours of posting an ad on a different site, we got nasty messages about not being committed to the 'lifestyle' blah blah. Don't you have to start somewhere???

    We don't have kids. We don't want kids. Are we just screwed? Seems like about everyone we meet has them. It just makes it hard to have spur of the moment dinner meetings or plan weekend getaways with new friends.

    We've posted in some other threads about which sites are best for finding certain kinds of people, but for slow-starters like us, we're open for any recommendations. Surely we can't be the only couple curious about swinging and wanting to proceed with caution. The more harassing messages we get, the more it turns us off. I guess some morons don't get that.

    Looking forward to your input!

  2. Back To Top | #2

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    I think the problem is probably that very few people are into what you are asking for. For example;

    You indicate that you are mainly looking for friends. I doubt that many people, just looking for friends, are advertising on sights such as SLS.

    You say you just wish to have sex with your own spouse same room. This is more voyeurism/exhibitionism than swinging to me.

    Are you open to soft swinging? (Sexual interaction with others for everything except actual penetration.) If so, you might want to include that in your profile.

    You also say you are looking for couples without children, yet, you also want people around your same age. The problem is that most couples in your age group have children.

    I'll have to say that I am not surprised that you aren't getting much response to your ad. I wish I had some recomendations for you, but the truth is, your ad is well written and is specific enough that I think I have a good idea of what you are looking for when I read it. I just don't think that their are many people that fit your requirements. Their are all kinds of people in swinging, in your case, it may take a lot of patience to find them though.
    R (He is R, she is P)

  3. Back To Top | #3

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    good times is right. There is nothing wrong with your add, in fact its a very good add, the problem is you are not looking for swingers, swingers like to touch, even soft swingers.

    We did start swinging as a late 20 something couple, and we didn't have kids. Kids were in fact a turn off for us, so I can understand that, but you are looking for such a narrow group of people that you may be SOL.

  4. Back To Top | #4

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    we appreciate your input. we know we're picky, but you gotta start somewhere, right?
    Curious & Shy Newbies

  5. Back To Top | #5

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    If you are curious, you could think about going to a swingers club. You don't have to play with anyone but each other, and it would satisfy some of your curiousity. You could talk and socialize with other swingers, have a few dances, and even watch and be watched.
    Through every dead and living thing, Time runs, like a fuse. -- Jackson Browne

  6. Back To Top | #6

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    I've actually seen this ad prior to this post. As my wife and I are still contemplating and communicating about taking the plunge. I recognized this ad as a measure to get started with someone at this point in the same boat as us(once we were to get to that point). We didn't meet all of the criteria in their profile, but the measure in how they wanted to proceed did work. Ultimately, the wife and I are smokers and understand that's not a good fit for either couple. I would hold out hope that someone would come along, but some traveling one way or the other would have to occur for this to happen.

  7. Back To Top | #7

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    Quote Originally Posted by CurioslyShy
    we appreciate your input. we know we're picky, but you gotta start somewhere, right?
    I don't think its about being picky per say.

    If we were in your area, I'd have wanted to mail you as you are close to our ages and seem very nice and attractive, but I would not have. Your profile reminds me of some I have seen and a few couples we have met. All were about your age or a tad older at our age, all were educated, all were very nice, none of them we met twice. It seemed they were all looking for BFF's (best friends forever) who were also super attractive (far more than they were) and totally inexperianced in the lifestyle like they were. We are past the newbie insecurity stage, and having limited time (kids) we would view meeting you as most likely a waste of time. Most of us who now think of ourselves as swingers had our doubts and our own pickiness when we started, but knew what we wanted and acted on that as a couple. Your profile to us either says you are insecure or if you do know what you want, all you want is exhibitionism.

    I'm sure it can happen for you, and maybe it will for you, but it may take several months and meetings prior to finding that one couple.

  8. Back To Top | #8

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    We'd have totally e-mailed you if you were in our area, but I expect that we're out of the norm for most swingers.

    The only thing I can think of is that you have a pretty narrow age window (25-33) and the vast majority of people that age have young children. I know that for us babysitting is going to be our biggest obstacle. If you stretched your age range a bit younger or older, you might be able to find more people who have either not started having kids or whose kids are a bit older (old enough to spend a weekend with the grandparents.)

    Your pic is great BTW. I like pictures that hide faces in a realistic way, and I love those of couples kissing.

    ETA, I'm sorry you're getting such nasty e-mails. What is it with people?

  9. Back To Top | #9

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    Quote Originally Posted by CurioslyShy
    So many people have recommended this site to us. We're amazed at the community here! We've had an add on SLS for a couple months now, but aren't getting the results we were hoping for. Since we're new, maybe you could tell us anything that we're doing wrong. (SLS PROFILE )

    For one, we're starting slow. We want to find friends that we can enjoy their company on both sides of the bedroom door. Just watching each other and playing strip poker is all we want to start with. Within 12 hours of posting an ad on a different site, we got nasty messages about not being committed to the 'lifestyle' blah blah. Don't you have to start somewhere???

    We don't have kids. We don't want kids. Are we just screwed? Seems like about everyone we meet has them. It just makes it hard to have spur of the moment dinner meetings or plan weekend getaways with new friends.

    We've posted in some other threads about which sites are best for finding certain kinds of people, but for slow-starters like us, we're open for any recommendations. Surely we can't be the only couple curious about swinging and wanting to proceed with caution. The more harassing messages we get, the more it turns us off. I guess some morons don't get that.

    Looking forward to your input!

    Wow, I'm not sure why you would be getting harassing emails - everyone has to start some time. We have never received an email harassing us for any of our preferences, and on our first go-around on the boards, we did state we were moving extremely slowly. Nowadays, we tend to get the single male "wanna f*ck" variety, but no critiques. Most are reasonably polite.

    We are in Ohio. We would be interested in becoming friends with a couple if it worked out. We too love to travel. We do not have children nor do we plan to. We have met singles and couples to date. So I don't think it's mission impossible. In all honesty, your age range is rather narrow, considering the average age on the various boards and not that many are interested in progressing that slowly. Thus, you might be limited in responses - for instance, we could not email you because we are eliminated from your desired range.

    With that being said, you are allowed to want and seek what you'd like. But it will require patience. I've found that this activity takes patience. If you get impatient, you end up making bad choices. I'm a believer that you will find what you seek or they will find you, given a bit of time.

    Good luck, and welcome!

    Rebecca

  10. Back To Top | #10

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    Quote Originally Posted by CurioslyShy
    we appreciate your input. we know we're picky, but you gotta start somewhere, right?
    Yes, it is true that everyone has to start somewhere, and it is often said that you should take it as slowly as you feel comfortable doing.

    That being said, and I don't mean to be harsh, but after reading your ad the impression that I got was that you are not interested in swinging. Swinging, to me and most swingers I know, is about sexual interaction with others. Nowhere in your ad do I see anything to indicate you are open to that idea. If you are just starting slowly and think that you might be open to more sexual interaction in the future with the right people, under the right circumstances, then maybe if you reworded your ad to indicate that desire you might have a little better luck.
    R (He is R, she is P)

  11. Back To Top | #11

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    I have to agree with these other fine folks...I don't think there's anything "wrong" with your ad, but you will have to be patient to get what you want.

    I'm not sure that I would say that you want to be swingers, since play time usually means touching of some sort, but I'm also not sure how else to describe what you want.
    "Lie? Me? Never! The truth is far too much fun!" -Capt. Chas. Hook

  12. Back To Top | #12

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    You're probably not having much luck because you've excluded an awfully large group of swingers. You said, 'we're not really that into swinging...'. I'm not sure if you really meant that you're new to it and aren't really hardcore, but that would just about tell me that you all were just putting up a profile for the thrills. Like others have said, most couples are looking to at least soft swing, so the fact that it's uncertain whether there maybe more than a game of strip poker may steer couples from you too. Then throw in the limits in age, the fact that the wife is straight, your geographic area (which may not have a whole bunch of swingers anyway), the fact that it says you're looking for new and nervous couples, and that you've updated your profile several times (or at least that's what you alluded to) says to me that you are new and nervous and unsure of what you want. Not that there's anything wrong with any of that, but I'm sure it makes the pond you're fishing in a whole lot smaller.

    It really seems to me that maybe you're not getting a lot of responses because you're in the wrong venue. Like selling hip-hop CD's at a NASCAR event. I'm not sure if there's other sites that are voyuer or exhibitionist driven, but maybe that's where you'll get more couples looking for the same thing.

    Pepper
    "Swinging is a lot like riding a Harley, ...for those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don't, no explanation is possible." --Mr. Alura

  13. Back To Top | #13

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    hello Curiouslyshy, I read your Post, and your profile, and then re-read your post and I hate to be the bearer of bad news like everyone else BUT We all seem to have the same concesus here, Your add is Great, If your looking to meet friends, or travel Companions with a little naughty talk thrown in and a few sexy sneak peaks of each other but I think that you may want to post it at a different site, SLS is a Swingers site not a Vouyers or exhibitionism Site. We were "Newbies" once too and I wouldnt say that we were more Outgoing than most but I would say that we did a TON of research on every aspect of swinging I could probably quote a hundred different answers to swingers common questions because we READ AND READ AND READ before we Met anyone, and then we talked to our first couple for months online and the phone before we ever set up a meet, But evenso we did have the agreement that No ment No, we were going in with eyes wide open and a Lets plan for Full swap and if it only results in a few kisses, and tender rubs from the other couple we were ok with that too, not knowing our own comfort level at that time. So to sum things up why not try checking out a few Nude Beaches, or a Hedonism Resort, you can watch, be watched, NO COMMITMENT for anything is required beyond Club or Resort rules, and You never know you might just find that "perfect" Couple you are looking for. GOOD LUCK ON YOUR SEARCHES AND Happy Swinging
    Curious~ They did say curiosity killed the Cat right? WELL HERE I AM NOT DEAD facelick

  14. Back To Top | #14

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    We are starting to feel like we're getting mixed signals. We're sure that's because everyone has their own take on this lifestyle, but we're starting to get a little confused. Not wanting to start a war or anything, but hopefully we can just discuss this out a little bit. Swingers are mature, right?

    Just from our perspective here- We hear everyone saying to go as slow as the slowest person, and respect boundries, etc., but then we feel like the boundries have a minimum. For example, if we decide to take it 1 small step at a time (which is recommended by almost everyone), then we get educated on how our steps are too small. If our 1st step is just exhibitionism/ voyeurism, then we're fine not being 'true swingers' because we don't want to involved touching, etc. Our goal is not to receive the title of 'swinger', it's to enhance our relationship how we both agree will enhance it the most.

    Secondly, after signing up at SLS, we recall plenty of ads that read, "We're not about chatting or emailing for months. Serious people only. Don't waste our time." We kind of felt that the norm was to exchange a couple emails or chats and hop into bed. We then read some stories here about people going years and only meeting 1 couple from an ad site and how long it took them to actually make contact. We want to go slow as well, but again, feel like there is almost an unspoken minimum.

    Next, we are recommended to go to a club. The group thing seems way scarier to us (don't know about most newbies though), plus the fact that we are showing our faces to a many people in our home area, as opposed to 1 couple at a time from out of town. If we were able to go to Vegas or something, then this makes more sense, agreed.

    I guess our observation is that some people here seem to take 1 bigger step (e.g. playing w/ another couple), but it takes them 6 months to a year to get there. We want to take smaller steps (e.g. strip poker 1st time, same-room 2nd, then see where it goes...), and each step may take 2 months. Aren't we all ending up at the same place over the same amount of time, just ours is more cautious since we're newbies?

    Lastly, in regards to the boundries, we might be interested in soft-swapping (pretty damn sure full swap will never be an option), but until we take these 1st steps on our time table we just won't know. Maybe we'll find out that it's not for us. Maybe we'll love it and end up here helping future newbies along. We just want to keep it as low pressure and as safe as possible, putting as little risk to our relationship as possible along the way. Hope that makes sense.

    Thoughts?

    We truely do appreciate everyone's input though.
    Curious & Shy Newbies

  15. Back To Top | #15

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    Hi there!

    First of all, we started out slowly too...I think most people do. When we met people we explained that we were new and would only do things we felt comfortable with. At the time we had a huge list of things we wouldn't do lol. I haven't looked at your profile yet, but from the sounds of things you're maybe a little too specific? I'll have to take a look.

    Also, about the club thing....alot of people who have never been to one have ideas and pictures in their heads of people having sex all over the place. Most clubs are not like that, some have several private rooms (which are clean and just the two of you can use if you wish) and generally speaking they have a whole seperate area for group sex. They don't make you take your clothes off and bend over once you walk in the door

    I also wouldn't worry (maybe it's just me) about seeing someone you know there. If you see an acquaintance there, do you think they want it all over town they were there too?

    Mrs
    Somebody better go back and get a shitload of dimes!!!

  16. Back To Top | #16

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    Lets say you wanted to try swimming for the first time.

    First you read all about swimming.

    Then you buy a bathing suit but it takes a month to find the right one.

    Then you check out pool memberships after seeing every pool in a 50 mile radius.

    Then you join a pool, but just hang out in your street clothes to be sure you are comfortable there for a couple of weeks.

    Then you go in your bathing suits and try the same.

    Then you put your toes in the water to see if you like the water, and talk about it being too cold or too hot for a few weeks.

    Then you decide to walk down the first step into the water.

    (well you get the idea here)

    The above example is a far safer way to learn how to swim than jumping right in, but its going to take you a year to even be up to your neck in water. Your approach to swinging is the same thing, and if you want to go this slow, thats fine for you, but you are looking to find someone else who also wants to go that slow. This is going to be hard, and even if you do find them they will need to fit your other requirements as well.

    While many of us took a while to decide to swing, those were our own conversations with just the two of us. If it took a day or a year didn't matter as we weren't looking for partners. Once most of us who think of ourselves as swingers (or lifestyle if you like to play with labels) decided to try it we didn't crawl but jumped right in. We may have floundered now and then, and had to gasp for air at times, but we acted. In our case we may have been white bread conservatives in our late twenties, but we knew each others fantasies and we wanted each other to realize them. Did we have some jealousy and other uncomfortable emotions at times? You betcha but our relationship was strong enough to handle them and over come them. Had we found a couple to 'swing' the same way you are hoping to proceed it not only would have taken us two years to ge to the point we got to in four weeks, but we would have still made the same mistakes and same issues would have come up. Its not like starting with mild breast touching is going to 'soften' the image of your wife giving another man a BJ, or that the BJ will make full swap seem that much softer.

    You should always go as slow as the slowest member of the group, but apparently the slowest member of your group doesn't really want to be a swinger. As others have said you might be better off trying something more nudist oriented than swinging.

  17. Back To Top | #17

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    Well CuriouslyShy, you've already read several responses telling you all your mistakes. And some of them have good points. However, you raise some points that I strongly agree with. To me, swinging deserves a broader definition than strictly swapping partners. I believe it encompasses a wide range of non-traditional sexual behaviour. It allows us with needs/desires that are not generally accepted to fulfill and explore them. I find exhibitionism/voyeurism games as a great way to get started, and exciting in their own right. Although we are swing club regulars, many nights our entire activity is limited to merely have sex in the same room with others. Perhaps we are not goal oriented. We approach each situation and each couple as unique. How we interact with them, depends on their comfort level and many other things.

    You are certainly within your rights to want to go at your own pace, and I applaud you for knowing so well what you want. However, perhaps your ad is the wrong place for that information. It is so restrictive I am not surprised the only responses are harassing. Most couples will feel that you're looking only for the 1 perfect couple for you. I don't know many who believe in their own perfection when it will be put to the test. Instead, tell the people that you're going slow, looking for no-pressure couples for same room fun, but that you're not ready for swapping. Also you need to be clear about your own sexuality. Your ad says the Mrs. is straight, but bi and curious women are okay, but don't try to change her. Some seriously mixed signals there. That says you're looking for bi women, but they better not touch you. At least that would be my interpretation. If you're curious but nervous, say so. If you're completely straight with no desire for any female-female contact, come to the point. Also, you might consider broadening your age range. Although we are much too old, by your standards, we have had our best encounters with couples of your age. At first you're just meeting people and testing the waters. Open yourself up to meet others, you might be surprised at what you find.

    We'd be more than happy to introduce you to a swing club, just to clear up the misconceptions you have about them. I know them well as I had the same thoughts before I went to my first club. In short, my advice is relax your standards, but not your rules. Open yourself up to meet a broader range of people, and be assured that no hearts will be broken if you tell someone you're not interested.

    Good luck!

  18. Back To Top | #18

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    I don't think many here would advocate going faster than you are comfortable going. I further don't see here were anyone said their is some minimum standard that you need to conform to, as I am sure most of us feel that is something you have to decide for yourself. In your original post to this thread you said "We've had an add on SLS for a couple months now, but aren't getting the results we were hoping for.". You seemed to be asking why we thought your weren't getting those results. I think the previous posters have tried to answer that question. I am sure it makes no difference to us what your limitations and requirements are. We are just trying to point out here that the limitations and requirements you list in your profile are probably why you are not getting the response you had hoped for.

    Quite frankly, I have never met anyone in swinging that would be interested in what you are offering. I don't say that because I believe that their is no one out their that matches your criteria, all I am saying is that I would bet it is very few. Lets face it, most of us have plenty of vanilla friends that we can go hang out with, and in our case at least, most of our vanilla friends would be willing to do most of what you are suggesting in your ad with us. We have spent time with them nude in hot tubs. Played a little strip poker, heck, we have even been known to get a little frisky and make out a little with some of our vanilla friends, and they aren't swingers and have no desire to be.

    I guess what I am trying to say is, you are advertising on a swinger sight, yet in that ad their is nothing to indicate you are interested in swinging. In fact, if I read it correctly, it clearly indicates that you are not interested in swinging. With that impression from your ad, and what you have written here I have the feeling that you not only are not interested in swinging now, but are pretty sure that you never will be. Am I wrong? Just to clarify a bit, lets turn your question around here. If my impression is correct, and I am sure most who see your ad would get a similar impression, then why would anyone contact you? In other words, what are you offering in your ad that a swinger, or someone new wanting to get into swinging would be intersted in?
    R (He is R, she is P)

  19. Back To Top | #19

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    Quote Originally Posted by CurioslyShy
    Just from our perspective here- We hear everyone saying to go as slow as the slowest person, and respect boundries, etc., but then we feel like the boundries have a minimum. For example, if we decide to take it 1 small step at a time (which is recommended by almost everyone), then we get educated on how our steps are too small. If our 1st step is just exhibitionism/ voyeurism, then we're fine not being 'true swingers' because we don't want to involved touching, etc. Our goal is not to receive the title of 'swinger', it's to enhance our relationship how we both agree will enhance it the most.
    Yes, but you're going on a site where most couples place ads to meet like-minded people to swing with. That's why you're not having much luck. Most couples are not looking for what you're looking for, so, they don't write. That's just how it is, and it has nothing to do with anything other than everyone is looking for couples who have the same approach to having a good time as they do. It can mean anything from a little strip poker to pornographic, but none of them is 'wrong' (that was your word). It's just a matter of odds.

    It's not that your steps are too small for you, but they may be too small for the majority of swingers. Hell, it's hard enough to find couples online even with the least amount of modifiers. Add in a few limiting factors, and you get...well, not a lot of mail. You've already met one couple, at least. Those are pretty good odds considering you've only been members 1.5 months. Believe me, online swinging is slow, tedious work.

    I think if you changed where and how you're looking for other couples, you'd have better response. A lot of couples try online first, thinking it's a easy, less pressured way to meet new people. What most soon realize that the effort of emailing, chatting, setting the meet-up, and actually making it to the meet location is far more pressure than going to a club. Meeting people face to face would probably make it easier to find people who would be interested in taking things slowly. Not necessarily at an on premises club, which is what you've described, where there's group sex, etc. but some off-premises meet and greet. Where we are, we call them socials. They're usually in hotel ballrooms or at local clubs, and it's as low pressure as it gets. You can talk to people, flirt around, have a good time in a completely vanilla way, and perhaps get to know some people well enough that they might be interested in becoming friends with you.

    We're just giving the advice because it was solicited....

    Good luck!
    Pepper
    "Swinging is a lot like riding a Harley, ...for those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don't, no explanation is possible." --Mr. Alura

  20. Back To Top | #20

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    Hey guys. Glad to hear all of your input. We do agree- we're not swingers. That's basically what it comes down to. We didn't expect a flood of emails when we signed up. "Not getting the response desired" was speaking more of the fact that the people who DID respond weren't a match at all. The great thing is that this has really helped the 2 of us discuss all our options in even more detail. We'll see where it goes! It would be cool if there was a site for people like us to socialize and meet up with others like us. We've heard that we're looking in the wrong spot, but haven't heard any suggestions for a good spot- not that it's your job to do the research. We just noticed a few other couples/ posts who all seem to be in a similar boat and figured you regulars deal with people like us every so often and might already know a good place to send us. So, with that all said, again, thanks for your input and insight. It was truely helpful.
    Curious & Shy Newbies

  21. Back To Top | #21

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    If you do find such a place please let us know because, as you say, we get this request every once in a while. Good luck in your search.
    R (He is R, she is P)

  22. Back To Top | #22

    Default Re: New Swingers Checklist

    thanks I was wondering about where kids might fit into this. But really, scheduling is a hassle even with friends who don't have kids, so I can only imagine the nightmare. Usually though, folks with rugrats have babysitters lined up who can step in with very little notice.

    Good luck!

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