all the rules were gone after the first nite, we realized we didnt need them.
They haven't. We follow the exact same rules as always.
They have been modified slightly, but the principle is still there.
We have eliminated all, but just a few, standard rules.
Rules? What rules? Ready, willing and able for anything, anytime.
Wife Changed the rules when she started to get into playing with others.
Husband changed the rules when he started to really play with others.
We changed our rules together.
We follow the main trend this thread shows. We started out with more than we have now. Mainly now it's go with the flow, respect each other, and communicate.
We've pretty much just said 'no rules anymore' but it's because we understand each other so well. We still stay 'same room' but if the desire came to go to seperate rooms we'd know it - just by a look or nod of the head. We don't restrict each other, but we truly enjoy the same room so we can experience pleasure together.
We also say 'condoms only', but we've broken (no pun intended) that rule too, with people we know and trust.
all the rules were gone after the first nite, we realized we didnt need them.
Can't say very many rules have fallen by the wayside but they have been streamlined and trimmed up a lot. In the beginning we tried to cover every single base and every possible scenario with a rule to pertain to that. We have kind of left it with a global anyone can say no or change their mind at any time...period. We see the whole lifestyle as about free choice and part of that free choice is the choice to say no or to walk.
There are a number of things we aren't into to begin with under any circumstances like anal or BDSM etc but as far as rules with others it's pretty much don't do what you don't want to and neither will we.
We had a plethora of rules at first. They all flew out the window the first night we played with another couple.
The more we played, the nods, eye signals and hand signals Mr. LFM and I gave each other as an OK, let's try this worked.
We do keep a couple of rules and probably always will...
- same room pleasure only
- condoms -- no matter if we're surgically safe or not. We haven't met the "trusted couple" yet.
- respect for each other
- I love anal with Mr. LFM, but it's not allowed in swinging -- at least not with me.
Dave & Holly
As a single female, I find that making couples aware of my rules is a very important thing. After being with them for a while and developing a level of trust then sometimes the rules can be broken. However any rules that you have, you should follow until you feel that they are no longer necessary.
What rules have gone,all of em except 2,safe sex & have fun,we both now believe that as long as everybody is ok with whats going on then were happy.
We've been in the lifestyle almost seven years now. Our rules have evolved, but none have really changed. We went into this knowing that the more rules we loaded ourselves down with, the less fun we were going to have.
The big "two" for us have always been: EVERYONE must be having a good time and Kissing is required. No Kissy no nookie as far as we're concerned. We both love the PASSION. And to us, passion can't be acheived without the kiss. S&J
In the beginning we had a million rules and most of them seem unneccesary now. When hubby and I had our first threesome, we both went into it not really knowing what to expect. We thought that with all these rules in place, nothing could go wrong. But we quickly realized that so many rules did nothing but keep us uptight and unable to let loose and have fun. I was so preoccupied with jealousy in the beginning that I thought I couldn't have fun. (Not that I was jealous...it was the the fear of being jealous that brought on the rules) The craziest rule I had was the kissing rule. Yes, he could kiss her, but not passionately...and so on and so forth. OKAY...I realize that's pretty dumb now. After many more talks and experiences, we've realized that the only rules we need are these two: Total honesty and absolute respect. Beyond that, what else do you need?
"I am giddy; expectation whirls me round; Th' imaginary relish is so sweet that it enchants my sense" -- Shakespeare--
I don't think we ever sat down and made RULES so much as discussed what we were comfortable with and came to a conclusion that we would move foward together as a couple as we decided we were BOTH ready.
Since we'd just started dating when we started swinging, L and I hadn't yet developed a relationship to protect, and we didn't have predefined roles we needed to break out of. Therefore, no formal rules. Mainly, as long as we were both enjoying things, we were happy with the situation.
L and I have a keen sense for what each other will enjoy and be comfortable with, so we rely on that. Over the years, as we've come to know one another better, we're more comfortable with more situations, so we're receptive to more. In addition, we know MUCH better what turns each other on, so we steer more to those flavors.
If the adventure will end with us coming home and tearing each other up, it's good for us. And they all end that way ;-)
S and L, Hot Raleigh Cpl
We didn't have that many rules to begin with, but we have . . . refined them a bit, as needed.
I'd rather go to hell for doing something I enjoyed than heaven wondering what it's like.
We have changed alot of our rule, but there are a few that must stay in place. Such as.....
1.) a condom must always be used.
2.) no bi play, no fisting, anal sex, bondage, or water sports.
3.) first meet up must be in a public place.
That's about all that we stick by.
We kind of rushed into the swinging scene. We set some ground rules. One of the rules was strickly no anal. Therefore no DP. She was worried we might want to try it during a threesome and she isn't into anal.
When we are alone, she enjoys licking and some shallow stimulation with my fingers but that is it.
That has recently changed. We have beome more comfortable with our friend and the sex has become more relaxed and fun.
The other night while we were in the middle of a MFM with our friend we swapped positions so that she was in a 69 with him while I knelt beside them. She was on top. At times , I like to sit back and watch, maybe lend a helping hand.
I started to caress her ass and spread her cheeks while he was under her giving her oral. My intense lust came over me and I started to play with her ass hole. She seemed to like it so I kept going further until my finger was inside her. Then, to my suprise he started the same. I spread her apart while he slid his middle finger all the way in. She started bucking like crazy and loved every minute of it.
After talking to her about it, she said that it felt good at the time and for the first time, she truly enjoyed anal penetration. So then I suggested anal sex thinking there might be a chance but no. She is still 100% against that. She even said she might not enjoy a finger in ever again.
I can only assume that her intense mood helped her enjoy something she wouldn't normally consider.
Rules don't really change, they evolve, so while she enjoyed it this time, it doesn't mean she won't like it next time. It is a process, My wife and i started out with me fingering around the area and mild penatration. over time she grew to enjoy it more, added more fingers to get her used to something larger ( always with plenty of lube!) lets face a penis will likely be a wee bit bigger than "a" finger.
My wife now enjoys anal once in a while, but it was a process, it took time and it was something she wanted when it happened. So don't Push, just give her what she enjoys add a bit more as thing move on, don't rush.
After all "good things come to those who wait"
I don't speak or write proper english however, I do use fluent American Ease to its foremost!
I can definately understand where your wife is coming from. I get in the mood for anal like once a year. That doesn't mean I don't like having my ass played with more often, a finger or a vibe in there but it does take some work. The idea of anal sex IS NOT something that anyone could just suggest to me and I'd be all for. I have to be IN THE MOOD for it (and that typically means I'm craving it). Just because you got your fingers in her ass and she enjoyed it doesn't even mean she would have enjoyed it if it had been your cock. Anal can be VERY painful for me, and it's always either one extreme or the other (very painful or it feels very good) and sometimes even when I think I want it, it ends up being painful and that just kills the whole night.
I'm curious how the more experienced couples have changed their rules over the course of time. What rules did you start out with and which ones did you do away with or change over time? (Why?)
What was the evolution for you and your partner? (ie. what are your current rules and how long did it take to get to the rules you're at now?)
And did it seem to be mutual agreement or was there some debate on which rules to keep and which ones to let go of?
We have changed our rules on occasion. Sometimes we have even bent them, but only after disscussing it first. I think it is just a natural progression as you get more and more comfortable in the lifestyle.
We didn't have many rules when we started. Basically, it was only do stuff we felt good about with folks we felt good about, and enjoy it as much as we could. If anything, we're more relaxed about it nowadays.
S and L, Hot Raleigh Cpl
Good question! I've been wondering the same.
Especially when you're really new, how do you set rules when you have nothing to go by? We've discussed everything so much & gotten nowhere as far as makeing any rules. We've just come to the realization that we'll need to go in with no rules & go from there. I mean we both agree that safe sex is a must, but that's really it. If / when there needs to be a rule set, we'll handle it from there.
Any examples of rules you started out with and what you've whittled them down to?
Here are the rules that we have right now...
1. No singles, only couples. (though we have bent this on occassion, but only when both of us agree)
2. If both of us aren't attracted to them (m-f) (f-m) , then it doesn't happen. We don't take one for the team.
3. If we are playing somewhere where we can go to sleep at the end of the night. We always go to sleep with our spouse.
4. We always try to let the other know when we are going off to play.
5. never play with someone the other hasn't met yet.
I think that is all of them.
That is well said! I think alot of new couples would benefit from this advise. I think too many times couples set unrealistic rules, setting themselves up for failure. If couples spent more time communicating how they feel, rather than what they will "let" there spouse do, they would find entry into swinging easier..... and well more enjoyable!
Yes. Here are some rules that we started with but have gone away (or been modified):
1. No kissing
2. Same room always
3. We both play or neither one of us plays
4. Condoms always
As to why they have the gone away, I think it was an evolutionary thing. When we first started playing, we were concerned (as many first time couples are) that the activities might hurt our relationship. So, a lot of the rules were intended to "protect" the relationship. Kissing was initially viewed as too intimate. Same room was intended to makes us each feel like we were part of whatever was going on with the other. As we became more experienced, we became less concerned about the swinging hurting our relationship (because we found that our relationship was, if anything, much stronger as a result).
Our both play rule reflected our insecurity that we would be more jealous if only one of us was being allowed to play. So, initially, we would not participate in threesomes. Again, with experience, jealousy was much less of a concern. Also, with experience, there was much less concern that favors would not be returned in the fullness of time. So, for example, if she has a good time tonight (and I don't play with someone else as a result), I have greater confidence that I will get my turn (maybe a MFF threesome) sometime into the future. Moreover, when we first started playing, we were each a little bit more focused upon our own fun playing with another. Now, we derive a lot of joy out of just watching our partner being pleasured in some way.
We actually started without a condom rule--our first play date was with a similarly inexperienced couple who, like us, had been largely monogamous for years. When we decided to continue to play with more experienced couples, we adopted the condom only rule. Then, as we learned a lot more about STDs, we modified the rule. Now, our general rule that we use condoms. But, there are some couples and individuals with whom we feel comfortable enough to play without. I think this is largely a personal choice weighing risks against perceived benefits.
We had so many rules it would be to endless to list them. But like many others stated our rules evolved with our comfort level. We had a few rules the first time we went to the club. First we were voyeurs , then the next time same room sex the next time a little oral play, then a little more than full swap and so on. But the rules changed as our confidence was secured this type of activity did not threaten our marriage. It fortified it. The longer we are in the lifestyle we realize the chance of infidelity is less and less.
Our rules pretty much mirrored lookingfornow's.
1) No kissing
2) No seperate room play
3) We both play or it's a no-go
4) Condoms always
5) No anal
6) No bi-play for the guys
7) No "extreme" stuff (watersports, scat, animals, real pain)
8) No bondage or restraints for Amelia.
Rule #1 was the first to go. Having sex with somebody and not being able to kiss them just didn't feel right. And, once we got over our initial newbie jealousy worries, kissing wasn't a big deal anymore.
Rule #2 was the second to go. But we've only done it once and it really didn't thrill us at the time (but I chalk that up to the playmates at the time). We're willing to try it again, if the circumstances are right.
Rule #3 was unofficially abolished a while ago. Both Amelia and I have no problems with us playing separately with a very short list of people (at this point, only one other couple). But we're really good friends with them, and I have no concerns (for her safety or otherwise) if she wanted to spend some time with them for a little three-way fun if I was indisposed.
Rule #4 is one of those "More or less a strong guideline" rule. We did go bareback with another couple a very long time ago, but it's been years since we've played without condoms. But we're not ruling it out. If we really have a connection with a certain couple, and we trust them, we wouldn't mind playing bareback with them. But, generally speaking, the rule right now is "Condoms always during intercourse".
Rule #5 thought #8 is still fully in force.
I find your ideas intriguing and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.