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  1. Back To Top | #1

    Default wife no longer interested in swinging

    Hey all! i live on the jersey shore and my wife and i used to post here under a different name. so i'm not exactly a newbie.

    anyway, my wife and i used to go to swing clubs but she lost interest bout 4 years ago and we haven't been back since. we never swapped but we liked to watch and be watched. along with some innocent rubbing with whatever other couples were next to us. i loved it, but like i said, she lost interest.

    i miss it and i can't seem to talk her back into it. we never had a bad experience or anything, she's just stubborn like that. our sex life is still fine but i have always been wilder and more open-minded than her when it comes to things like this.

    she is not bi at all! i experimented a little way back in college. i always hoped to keep my sex life fun and interesting and open to new ideas. but my wife really doesn't go for it and would probably lead to major trouble if she knew my fantasies.

    i'd still like to have 3-somes or 4-somes with my wife, but that doesn't seem like it's ever gonna happen again.

    so, i don't know what to do. i'm not gay by any means, just very sexual. i pretty much figure that if it feels good, do it!

    my wife and i have a happy marriage, besides my sexual frustration. and i hate the thought of cheating on her. but at this point, if she doesn't want to go further and i want to keep trying new things...see, i don't know what to do.

    i thought about maybe looking for another couple close by me in NJ who may be into a discreet relationship with a bi guy, but i think the guilt would probably bother me. like i said, i'm still interested in fulfilling my fantasies and exploring new thinga and it's awful to think that it's all over already at age 37! i thoght it would be interseting if i could find a married couple and even just be with the husband while the wife watches. that idea really turns me on as much as anything else.

    ah, well. there it is. am i alone in this situation or what? feel free to give me your ideas, opinions and brandishments. i can take it!

  2. Back To Top | #2

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    IMHO, I think there is a reason that your wife lost interest, and it sounds like she hasn't shared it with you yet. I would be curious as to why she hasn't wanted to share it with you yet?

    Since this is something that means so much to you, have you tried to maybe go to therapy and figure out what is going on? I would hate to see you cheat, or be unhappy, and I feel the same for her.
    Mrs. Indy

  3. Back To Top | #3

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    nope, nothing bad happened. believe me. she can be like that. when she loses interest insomething, it's done. she super stubborn like that. it can be a restaurant, a park, etc...

  4. Back To Top | #4

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    Have you shared your frustrations with her?

    I don't think it would be a good idea to play alone without her permission, that could lead to further problems if your extracurricular activities were discovered.

    Why not simply ask her if you can venture out on your own and explore some things.
    Ves

    The art of life lies in taking pleasures as they pass, and the keenest pleasures are not intellectual, nor are they always moral.

  5. Back To Top | #5

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    That's a tough one, particularly considering how young you are. But I agree with Vespertine that going behind your wife's back wouldn't be a great idea. Yes, talk to her about your feelings. What have you got to lose by being honest with her?

    Cb
    Take all things in moderation....including moderation

  6. Back To Top | #6

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    There are people who regard marriage almost like a "contract" that comes up for renewal every 5-10 years. Sometimes, things are going well, and the "contract" is silently renewed without changes. Other times, a couple wants to renew the contract, but one or both parties want some changes in it. (My kid's mom wanted me to join her in becoming "Born again," and I wanted her to get her face out of the pie tins and lose 50#, for instance)

    If you're lucky, she'll know what changes she wants. If you're really lucky, she'll let you know what changes she wants as well. And if you're really, really lucky, whatever "middle ground" you agree upon is something you can both live with. A good therapist can help you with the answers to all this, or you can ignore the problem, and pay the lawyers later. It's your call...

    I wouldn't get anybody else involved (I.E., have an affair) right now. I've been there and done that, and all it does is shift your focus away from what needs to be done to get your marriage back on track. It's like jumping a motorcycle or doing a flip off a high dive...you'll first need to believe you can do it, and then be 100% committed to doing it, for it to have any chance of success.

    Yea, 37 is wayyy too young to be locked into a tits-up marriage. Good luck to you...

  7. Back To Top | #7

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    oh, my marriage is not in trouble or anything like that. and there's no way i can explain to her what i'd still like to do. i'm basically stuck, i guess.

  8. Back To Top | #8

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    You have to understand the difference between swinging and cheating too. If you were to begin cheating, you would no longer be a swinger and you would have a huge hard time trying to get with swingers. There would be red flags up all over you.

    We wish you all the best in your decisions going forward.

  9. Back To Top | #9

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    Our advise would be to get it out in the open. People are always saying communication is the most important aspect of this lifestyle. I agree with northindycpl that she hasn't told you her feelings on the subject yet. Open discussion is the only way to go.

    MrSC - I have felt in the past that previous partners have 'gone along' with my interests (sexual or otherwise) on the grounds that I will lose interest in it eventually and therefore avoid confrontation by saying "no" directly to my face.

    Talk about it - a frustrating relationship is worse than no relationship in our opinion.

    Oh - we forgot if you feel the need to cheat - discuss those feelings or begin to think how you can both move on. The longer you wait the worse it will get.

  10. Back To Top | #10

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    Quote Originally Posted by Shoreguy67
    oh, my marriage is not in trouble or anything like that. and there's no way i can explain to her what i'd still like to do. i'm basically stuck, i guess.
    If you can't/won't communicate to your wife that you're needing a more developed sex life, and if you think it would lead to major troubles if she learned of your fantasies, then you're pretty much stuck.
    Ves

    The art of life lies in taking pleasures as they pass, and the keenest pleasures are not intellectual, nor are they always moral.

  11. Back To Top | #11

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    yep, i am pretty much stuck. maybe one day an ideal situation will come up. who knows?

    anyway, i'm still happy hanging around here and seeing a lot of people still enjoying the lifestyle.

  12. Back To Top | #12

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    Quote Originally Posted by Shoreguy67
    oh, my marriage is not in trouble or anything like that. and there's no way i can explain to her what i'd still like to do. i'm basically stuck, i guess.
    Since I don't personally know you I am not going to sit here and say that your marriage in in trouble but "anything like that" is a real possibility when you state "there's no way I can explain to her what I'd still like to do."

    Once you can not talk to your spouse, there is "something like that" going on.

    If you can not talk, you don't have a total honest relationship with anyone.

    And. If you feel you are "stuck" then you really have a lot to work on besides thinking about swinging.
    New Temptations You are the Party

  13. Back To Top | #13

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    Quote Originally Posted by VegasLee
    Since I don't personally know you I am not going to sit here and say that your marriage in in trouble but "anything like that" is a real possibility when you state "there's no way I can explain to her what I'd still like to do."

    Once you can not talk to your spouse, there is "something like that" going on.

    If you can not talk, you don't have a total honest relationship with anyone.

    And. If you feel you are "stuck" then you really have a lot to work on besides thinking about swinging.
    I have to agree with VegasLee, there is something wrong if one or both of you can't talk about your feelings, relationship, marriage. Even if she wanted to be in the lifestyle I would have to say if your communication is that bad then swinging is the wrong way to try and fix it.

    Mr Spoo and I have talked about a time when maybe one of us wants to quite swinging for some reason or maybe for a health reason and we would both be okay with that. Our sex life is fantastic and exciting without swinging. So again I say if you 'need' swinging to spice up your sex life or to keep from being bored then I think you may want to consider something else to fix things with your marriage first. Most couples in the lifestyle aren't here to fix their marriage or spice up something they don't have. They are here because they do have great communication and sex and just want to add to the fun together.

    Mrs Spoomonkey
    Love is friendship set aflame

  14. Back To Top | #14

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    Yes, I agree- VegasLee has spoken with MUCH wisdom.

  15. Back To Top | #15

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    Shoreguy, you've received a lot of good advice here. I must agree.

    If you cannot communicate your needs to your wife, you need to do some serious thinking about the state of your relationship, and why that is so impossible. It's my opinion that each person in a marriage has an obligation to let the other person know exactly what he or she needs out of that relationship. Respecting your own needs and desire for happiness is not just your right, it's your responsibility. Anything less than that is unfair to your spouse; they can't read minds, eh? My advice would be to do the 'impossible' and tell her what you are feeling and what you fear will happen if your needs are not being met.

    *Keeping in mind of course that some level of compromise is always going to be necessary.

    We wish you luck.
    Fear is a symptom of ignorance. Knowledge is the cure.

  16. Back To Top | #16

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    Okay, now listen carefully. C O M M U N I C A T I O N ! ! If you feel the need to talk to her, then talk. Just don't go around her. After awhilie I think you'll figure out what you two have got, but you have to communicate.

    Good luck.
    "Heros go to heaven, survivors go home."- Some damn ol' gunt.

  17. Back To Top | #17

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    our marriage is fine, really! we comminucate fine as well. you just have to admit, sex can be a touchy subject and i'm looking for a plate to be broken over my head! it'a just that i'm more adventurous when it comes to this. if it never happens again, i can live with it. it's just too bad that it may never happen again, and that i may never get to fulfill some fantasies. but that's life. can't say that i'm miserable. it's not like i've never been there!

    thanx all for your advice!

  18. Back To Top | #18

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    Quote Originally Posted by Shoreguy67
    if it never happens again, i can live with it. it's just too bad that it may never happen again, and that i may never get to fulfill some fantasies. but that's life. can't say that i'm miserable.
    That's a healthy outlook to have.

    I think we all have something that we fantasize about that we know we'll never do.These fantasies don't even have to be sexual in nature. It's healthy to have fantasies and there's nothing wrong with having them. They are your thoughts, and if you don't feel comfortable sharing them with your significant other, there's nothing wrong with that either. You just make sure you don't try making them a reality without sharing with your partner first.
    Ves

    The art of life lies in taking pleasures as they pass, and the keenest pleasures are not intellectual, nor are they always moral.

  19. Back To Top | #19

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    It's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't scenarios. You have this fantasy that she once went along with, now she won't.

    If you remain silent it'll never happen, if you speak up, you sleep on the couch.

    I'd try to speak to her. Approach the topic very carefully and try to keep things calm. The point being that if you never speak to her about it, you'll never know why or how she feels. Sex is a very touchy subject when your sexlife isn't 100%. But just ignoring it won't fix a thing, and you're even contemplating cheating on your wife... Which is very bad indeed.

    Sleeping on the couch isn't fun, but sometimes it's the only way.

  20. Back To Top | #20

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    Quote Originally Posted by Vespertine

    I think we all have something that we fantasize about that we know we'll never do.
    yeah, i guess you mean like wishing we could lay our own eggs so we don't have to go out to the grocery for them anymore. that and the one about the anteater. but anyway...


    i DO still bring it up. i pester her about it all the time. i think she just wants to bust my nuts.

  21. Back To Top | #21

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    Sorry to say but there is one thing that you have to take into consideration....Swinging is not for everyone.

    You are probably just going to have to come to the realization that you are stuck wtih a wife who loves you for the rest of your life. Painful I know, but I am sure that you can deal with it .

    The problem is..if she is not into swinging, then you can communicate until you are blue in the face, she is unlikely to change her mind . Cheating is not the answer , but you have established you know that. So...maybe your energies are going to have to be put into finding other ways to make your sex life a little more 'exciting ' to you, there may be somethings that she would be willing to do that are not swinging. I think it is all in a no pressure approach.

    Good luck shore guy.
    "Well! Evil to some is always good to others." - Jane Austen

  22. Back To Top | #22

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    Quote Originally Posted by Shoreguy67
    i DO still bring it up. i pester her about it all the time.
    This I think might be the biggest root of your problem. Women, pressure and sex don't do well together. It might have been a word choice thing, but somehow I doubt it. You'll need to choose, it's the one or the other... If she doesn't want to swing if you've been talking to her, nothing you say after months of "pestering" is going to change that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Shoreguy67
    i think she just wants to bust my nuts.
    Why in the world would she want to bust your nuts if your relationship was 100% ok? I get a lot of bad vibes from you saying that things are NOT ok, yet you insist it is... Maybe you should really stand back and take an excruciatingly honest look at your relationship, you may not like what you see, but acknowledging a problem is always the first step in fixing it.

    You may be the one standing between you and that exciting sexlife...

  23. Back To Top | #23

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    there really aren't any problems! i believe she just likes to have her own way and kinda tease me about it. there is NO animosity in our swing club debates. i think if i'm able to find a good one around where we live she'll go. anyone here know of any round these parts?

  24. Back To Top | #24

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    Wow. Now I'm confused. First you say she's super stubborn and won't change her mind and now you think if you pick a club she'll go. I'm really lost on this one.
    I feel that a woman doesn't have to be called 'Ms.' in order to be a woman of her own making. I believe 'Miss' allows moi to be a woman, and my karate can get me anything else

  25. Back To Top | #25

    Default Re: Is my swinging life over?

    Quote Originally Posted by Miss_Piggy
    Wow. Now I'm confused. First you say she's super stubborn and won't change her mind and now you think if you pick a club she'll go. I'm really lost on this one.
    Dito

    Me too....
    Ves

    The art of life lies in taking pleasures as they pass, and the keenest pleasures are not intellectual, nor are they always moral.

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