Jump to content
Guest smithvillecoupl

First club event, discussing our limits...

Recommended Posts

Guest smithvillecoupl

Here is what I have so far in regards to what I'm comfortable with in regards to actions and opportunities that may come up at our first party event this weekend. My wife said she is going to think on hers and then we will discuss together. I mentioned mine to her already so she knows this list.

 

--

 

I've been thinking for a bit now and as of right now I would be open to...

 

You flirting with another man.

You kissing another man.

You receiving oral sex from another man (or woman) as a "pillow princess" (this means you just receive)

Soft-swapping with another couple, if there was a match between all four of us (truthfully though, I see being quite rare to be honest)

Whatever we do, we do it in the same room, with each other.

 

Thing's I'm not okay with right now..

 

No playing with Mindy/John (let's keep that vanilla)

No full swap

No hall passes.

No playing solo.

No playing in separate rooms

 

--

 

So what do you think? Sound like a good place to start? Anything we may be missing that you wish you and yours would have discussed prior?

Share this post


Link to post

It's a good starting place.

 

Perhaps a few other topics to talk to your wife are:

 

1. How would you two let each other know that you both are interested/not interested in a couple while chatting with said couple?

2. How would you handle the situation if one of you is interested in a couple but the other isn't?

3. How would either of you let each other know mid-play if something is wrong or if one of you wants to stop?

4. How would you handle the situation if one wants to keep playing but the other doesn't?

5. Have you practiced or know how to politely decline another couple's invitation to play if you aren't interested?

6. How would you handle the situation if a rule was broken?

Share this post


Link to post
Guest smithvillecoupl
It's a good starting place.

 

Perhaps a few other topics to talk to your wife are:

 

1. How would you two let each other know that you both are interested/not interested in a couple while chatting with said couple?

2. How would you handle the situation if one of you is interested in a couple but the other isn't?

3. How would either of you let each other know mid-play if something is wrong or if one of you wants to stop?

4. How would you handle the situation if one wants to keep playing but the other doesn't?

5. Have you practiced or know how to politely decline another couple's invitation to play if you aren't interested?

6. How would you handle the situation if a rule was broken?

 

Bravo, excellent advice!

Share this post


Link to post

I've been thinking about this since I first read your post and I know it's a quibble, but, no, I don't think it's a good place to start. The reason isn't that those aren't useful rules, but because they're only yours. Since you'll be swinging together, your rules have to be an integrated whole and until they are, it's just the beginning of something that might turn out to be valuable.

 

Also, I'd really recommend talking about what the two of you would like to happen (which is subtly but importantly different from "things I'm okay with").

Share this post


Link to post
Guest smithvillecoupl
I've been thinking about this since I first read your post and I know it's a quibble, but, no, I don't think it's a good place to start. The reason isn't that those aren't useful rules, but because they're only yours. Since you'll be swinging together, your rules have to be an integrated whole and until they are, it's just the beginning of something that might turn out to be valuable.

 

Also, I'd really recommend talking about what the two of you would like to happen (which is subtly but importantly different from "things I'm okay with").

 

This is just my portion, the things I had been thinking about prior to our first party. I shared these with my wife just so we could at least have a starting point for discussion. We're still going visit a bit more about this before the weekend.

 

Once I have an understanding of her thoughts, then I think we will come to a middle ground of some sort, then attend our first event at least having some sort of basic ruleset in place.

 

The what I'd like to happen part I'm sort of keeping under wraps because I truly don't know. I would like to have a great time with her, that's number one. Then I would like to be well informed as to what each of us would or wouldn't be comfortable with so to limit the risk of stepping over limits or breaking rules. Beyond that, let the night fall where it may.

 

I hope this adds some clarity. I know my wife pretty darn well so I'm trying to keep her personality in mind when we go about these discussions as too much over-planning (which I do quite often) could turn this from exciting to overwhelming really fast. I have to pace myself so to speak.

 

I love the feedback though. It keeps me thinking.

Share this post


Link to post
Guest smithvillecoupl
It's a good starting place.

 

Perhaps a few other topics to talk to your wife are:

 

1. How would you two let each other know that you both are interested/not interested in a couple while chatting with said couple?

2. How would you handle the situation if one of you is interested in a couple but the other isn't?

3. How would either of you let each other know mid-play if something is wrong or if one of you wants to stop?

4. How would you handle the situation if one wants to keep playing but the other doesn't?

5. Have you practiced or know how to politely decline another couple's invitation to play if you aren't interested?

6. How would you handle the situation if a rule was broken?

 

Anyone have any suggested ideas for each of these questions. How would you or do you handle these issues?

Share this post


Link to post
1. How would you two let each other know that you both are interested/not interested in a couple while chatting with said couple?

2. How would you handle the situation if one of you is interested in a couple but the other isn't?

3. How would either of you let each other know mid-play if something is wrong or if one of you wants to stop?

4. How would you handle the situation if one wants to keep playing but the other doesn't?

5. Have you practiced or know how to politely decline another couple's invitation to play if you aren't interested?

6. How would you handle the situation if a rule was broken?

 

1. We're not subtle. We use eyebrows and anyone within 25 feet knows what we're doing.

2. "We" are the unit, so it doesn't matter if one half is interested, because we aren't.

3. It's never happened, but if it was me with the issue, I'd deal with it with my playmate and quietly wait until my partner and his playmate were done.

4. Does it matter? What works for you?

5. I'm an adult and I know how to say, "Oh, thanks so much for the compliment, but (some form of no goes here)."

6. With the spirit of inquiry and without the need to parade my feelings.

Share this post


Link to post
Guest smithvillecoupl

Great feedback. Thanks everyone.

Share this post


Link to post

As already mentioned, instead of your rules and her rules there should just be THE rules (mutually agreed upon). Funny thing about rules is that when we started we had a bunch of rules but they became fewer and fewer as we became closer to each other. These days we like to keep things simple. We have an 'ALWAYS plays together' rule, 'one no equals no for everyone' (without any punishment or negative consequences later, if one person says no they don't need to ever give a reason or explanation as to why), and a 'time out' word (or words). You should have something that means 'time out' just in case one or the other becomes uncomfortable with something that is going on.

 

1. How would you two let each other know that you both are interested/not interested in a couple while chatting with said couple?

 

If we are interested, we say hello. If we are not, we say 'it was nice meeting you but (fill in excuse to leave here)'.

 

2. How would you handle the situation if one of you is interested in a couple but the other isn't?

 

'ALWAYS plays together' rule. 'One no equals no for everyone' rule.

 

3. How would either of you let each other know mid-play if something is wrong or if one of you wants to stop?

 

'Time out' words.

 

4. How would you handle the situation if one wants to keep playing but the other doesn't?

 

'ALWAYS plays together' rule. 'One no equals no for everyone' rule.

 

5. Have you practiced or know how to politely decline another couple's invitation to play if you aren't interested?

 

If we are interested, we say hello. If we are not, we say 'it was nice meeting you but (fill in excuse to leave here)'

 

6. How would you handle the situation if a rule was broken?

 

'ALWAYS plays together' rule. 'One no equals no for everyone' rule. 'Time out' words.

Share this post


Link to post

We learned that rules should be guidelines but forgiveness if lines are crossed is important. You learn about yourself in ways you do not expect. Maybe you think saying 'no' will be easy but for some reason it's not. Or you think keeping your head in the heat of the moment will be easy and it isn't.

 

If you find you wanted the line to be here but in playtime it moved somehow when you were not looking or thinking clear, learn from it instead of being angry.

Share this post


Link to post

'...The code is more what you'd call "guidelines" than actual rules.'

 

Capt. Barbossa

Pirates of the Caribbean - Curse of the Black Pearl

Share this post


Link to post

We have had two rules really and now only one rule.

 

First time - No penetration, both have veto power.

Second time - both have veto power.

 

We avoid couples with different rules for each other because it is sort of a newbie warning sign and we don't want to get involved in the drama if we violate section A paragraph B accidentally.

 

Rules like "no anal" and the like are fine, rules like (and we saw this), "You can touch her boob but only through her shirt, he can touch boobs but only with his hands" just won't work for us.

 

I'd try to limit your rules to deal breakers, and examine them as to what is really a deal breaker and what is just fear of swinging.

Share this post


Link to post
Guest sandraandalex

How about no rules, you do what you feel comfortable doing. Then review the next morning: no crime, no foul.

 

A question about your rules. If she got carried away in the moment and broke one of them, would you hate her or not forgive her or seek revenge ?

 

Sex is a powerful thing and you better think about your rules. Also , are your rules nothing more than controls to make you comfortable, not her ? Which is something I'm always concerned about. After all, wold you enjoy being in a car if you could only press the brake ?

Share this post


Link to post
Guest smithvillecoupl

So, we had the conversation today!

 

Things went GREAT!

 

I had to force the start of the conversation. I had been mentioning things all week but had to pin her down, the party is in two days. She was fearful I would get "pissy" if she told me what she wanted to tell me, and she didn't want that. I do have the tendency to do that when we get into arguments. Approaching things calmly, she proceeded to tell me what she thought. It was pretty simple, only a couple of sentences. Based on what I learned, there were a few things I had to address.

 

#wereinthistogether

 

She needed to hear again how this is something we're in together. She knows how I get with things I find interest in. My work, hobbies, activities, etc. When I go at something, I go at it 140%. This can be intimidating at times I'm SRE of that. She assumed I would go at the lifestyle with similar gusto.

 

I reinforced this was something we're doing together. Be it as little or as much as we want but it's going to be something we communicate about through the journey.

 

#softswapisonthetable

 

A few comments were made that completely left open the opportunity for soft swapping with another couple. But there was a fear I wouldn't be able to say, stop it there if that was where she felt comfortable.

 

This was not the case. Again, back to the team. We will not be in that situation. I am 100% in this as a couple, really looking out for her more than myself in terms of pleasure. I really want to blow her mind sexually, show her the light so to speak.

 

The conversation continued a bit but ended very well.

 

I love my wife.

 

Lifestyle, watch out, here we cum!

Share this post


Link to post

Terrific. And I have another rule you might want to consider... ;) Can you - both of you - be okay with a guideline that says either of you can say anything about what you want or might like without the other one

getting angry?

Share this post


Link to post
Guest sandraandalex

One more thing. If you read the threads here about rules, one thing becomes clear. Many folks infer, or directly state, that their rules were silly, or they had them for a brief time because they turned out to be silly, etc. I'd really be happy if someone said we went ahead and had great full swap sex and an amazing time from the start. We sure did. That's just my opinion and I guess there are a lot of soft swing and rules folks out there. I guess I'm just like a lot of people, thinking everyone would be happier if they just thought like me :) . I hope you have a great time.

Share this post


Link to post
One more thing. If you read the threads here about rules, one thing becomes clear. Many folks infer, or directly state, that their rules were silly, or they had them for a brief time because they turned out to be silly, etc. I'd really be happy if someone said we went ahead and had great full swap sex and an amazing time from the start. We sure did. That's just my opinion and I guess there are a lot of soft swing and rules folks out there. I guess I'm just like a lot of people, thinking everyone would be happier if they just thought like me :) . I hope you have a great time.

 

I agree with you on this, our first night at a club was a great full swap experience.

 

We went in not knowing if it was for us, turned out we liked it. :)

Share this post


Link to post
I'd really be happy if someone said we went ahead and had great full swap sex and an amazing time from the start.

 

At our first house party, I think we jumped in right away. We did have two rules, if one says no, then it's no for both. Also, if there was a problem during playtime, one could stop and we'd both stop and talk about it later but not at the party. We wanted to know how each other felt during a full swap. You can theorize all you want but you won't really know until you actually do it. We didn't do any soft swap or threesomes prior.

Share this post


Link to post

One thing we found out when we were starting was that this REALLY opened up or communication with each other (sounds like that is also happening with the two of you). This is NEVER a bad thing. Also, that you are more concerned about HER pleasure is another good sign. Sounds like you are on the right road, keep it going!

 

BTW, I'm a 140%er too...not always a good thing ;)

Share this post


Link to post
Guest smithvillecoupl

Yes, our communication has been amazing lately. That's one of the things with some lifestyle couples that really impresses me, how well they communicate. Something I'm shooting for in our relationship. The poster couple for communication.

Share this post


Link to post
Guest smithvillecoupl

Omg. It's so hot. We've both spent the last two hours trying outfits, plucking hairs, trimming privates. It's so hot. The vibe is as if we're both preparing for a blind date. So fucking hot.

 

Let's just say, the barber (me) totally hooked my wife up. She is looking foxy as hell down below!

Share this post


Link to post

Ok just a word of warning.

 

Sometimes it turns out lame. We have had off the hook parties and parties decidedly on the hook. Don't get too bummed if it turns out to be a bad party. It happens.

Share this post


Link to post
Guest smithvillecoupl

Ha. Makes sense. Going with an open mind and no expectations. At least we have some friends going who speak highly of this place. http://www.thespottkc.com/

Share this post


Link to post
Guest smithvillecoupl

We had a great time. Very sexy atmosphere. Regretfully I had a bit too much to drink so I'm hurting today.

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...