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shy kitty

Overcoming insecurities?

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Were totally new and have been discussing things for a while now, but we hit a wall.heres what were having trouble with:

1) we disagree completely on what we want, he wants a mff, where as im up for soft/hard swap, group etc...at first he agreed with what I wanted, but when we look he searches for girls and im searching for couples.this indicates to me were definetely not on the same page.the odd thing is hes the one who initiated it and it seems im more open.he has some insecurities with his size, but ive only told him 100x im not looking to ride a pony I just am turned on by the whole idea.

2) were having trouble with the fact that just about everyone on the sites are beautiful, fit,hwp, hung, etc..we are plump, blue collar, laid back people.its a little bit of a bruise of our egos that we cant find people like us.

 

are we having normal concerns or is this a red flag that we should back off?

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Think its time to back off. You BOTH have to be on the same page or you are looking for trouble. You shouldn't worry about size, shape etc. It's probably best that you STOP searching online and attend a few meet and greets or partys where you can see in person if you click with people.

 

Tread carefully right now and be absolutely certain you both agree, otherwise its not worth the risk

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As to the first I agree with lotsoffun201 that you need to be on the same page. The first thing we did as a couple where set limits and the best advice I got from a long time swinger was "you move at the pace of the slowest swinger". Thought I'd share words that helped me along. The second point there are all body types. I'm a bit on the plump side and at first image was hard for me but there are all shapes and sizes and in my experience most swingers are just average people.

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Im glad to here im having realistic concerns,i would never want his emotions compromised just as much as I dont want my own to be!

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I think after thinking about it that a lot of people do not post realistic pictures. Shy have you tried going to a Swingers club in your area?

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We talked about the club but since we havent agreed on what we are looking for I dont want to be foolish.there is a club right down the street im interested in, but i dont want to go if were not ready.

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I Mrs. Fun have the same draw backs not being what i call perfect in the size department im not so sure how I would feel in a situation with a smaller woman being with my hubby. We have had fmf several years back and I had no problem at all with the play between him and the other woman (turned me on like crazy) but that was on equal playing ground i guess you could say we were about the same size. It has been the same with couple play. I just don't know how different it would feel. I guess i'm scared he will like it more. I don't know...

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My sweetie made it a point to tell me that he likes all types and that he hopes I will not be upset if he shows and interest in a smaller women. I still get nervous. :blush: I am working though my jealousy issues and I hope to try to not let it stop me from some good times. Any feedback from fellow swingers is always helpful. :newhere:

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One of the attractions for some in swinging is that your swing playmate is simply different. It's not a question of better.

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its not so much about body image as I think it is about attitude, obviously im not going to turn down some who looks like Gerard Butler in 300 and im not gonna make my husband sleep with a dog to make myself feel better.its the attitude of the ads,"you MUST be hwp, you MUST be professional,you MUST be god like and perfect 10 like us."it makes it seem as though only super hot perfect people are allowed.almost high school ish, were not cool enough to sit at the table.you know what im saying?

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As far as worries about your looks go you are in the same boat as a lot of people. As everyone will tell you there really are all types in the lifestyle. Going to a meet and greet or to a club might help prove this to you. It might be a good thing to step away from the online personals and go see the reality for yourself. You'll fit right in and even if you aren't ready to play you can still go to some of those places just to people watch without being forced to do anything you aren't ready for.

 

As far as the two of you not "wanting" the same thing that's a bit harder to straighten out but as everyone else has said it is the most crucial to making this all work. Getting on the same page should be your first move. Talk things over to make sure both of you are clear on what you are okay with and start slow....find the smallest step that you are both cool with and go looking for it.

 

Have fun and best of luck!

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I have found that private parties and clubs are much better then personals. Every time I try to read or reply they just seem to be rather depressing becuase I have seen some of the things Shy Kitty has seen. Anyone have good tips for reading and replying to personals?

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I have found that there are more "average" looking people than those who look like Ken and Barbie. Most people probably post their most flattering pictures (although actually - it seems like they don't most of the time!) but when you meet them in person they have crow's feet and muffin tops just like the rest of us. I am very insecure about parts of my body (other parts I'm proud of!) so I just offer a disclaimer to people when we are first chatting and if they recoil at the term "chubby belly" I know that we won't get along. I'd rather have people just say up front that they aren't going to be interested in someone who's 20 pounds overweight than see that "OH NO" look on their face when we meet. So far I've only been rejected by one couple after they looked at our pictures so I guess I'm not too hideous. ;)

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As for #1.. you need to try to get on the same page.

 

As for #2,, welcome to are world.

 

we also find the same things when looking around.. but there are a lot of ppl out there.. just keep looking..

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I really appreciate this site and all the responses.its nice to hear straight up real feedback from real people.tyvm:)

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First off you need to be on the same page with what you want, baby steps are the key here as others have stated. I also reccomend going to a club or meet n greet, we are all human and have our flaws. The mrs and I are both not skinny people and we have no problems finding people that we are attracted to and who are attracted to us as well.

 

The online commuinty is full of people of all types, and we do post our best pics, but we also do not lie about our weight in our profiles either, a lot of people do, which we believe is wrong. This is one of the reasons we only meet new people at events.

 

When making contact online we are very straight forward, we ask a few questions about something they have written in their profile, so they know that we acually read it and didn't just perv their pics. One thing we do that we see alot of people don't is use the different sites IM feature as a way of first contact. We will IM them with one of the questions we have about their profile, to start up a conversation. We have found this to work much better than an e-mail. It's much more like a face to face and will get better responses.

 

K

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Don't worry about the pictures, they're giving you a distorted notion. As in every other realm of life, us normal looking folks way outnumber the beautiful ones. Yay us!

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we have always been honest people,i think life is too short to waste the energy and time avoiding truth.i do think its a little ironic that everyone spends energy on profiles looking for the"perfect match"if they aren't putting out their real selves.what exactly is a"meet and greet"by the way?

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A meet and greet is a swing party where there is no on-premise sex. It might be held at a bar, a hotel ballroom or a park. It's a low pressure way to meet other people in your area. Usually they are listed on swinglifestyle or swingerzonecentral. You may have to join a local online group to find out about ones in your area.

 

It's definitely a good way to see that swingers are for the most part just regular couples. We've only been to a couple meet and greets, but have found them to be kind of boring actually!

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1) we disagree completely on what we want, he wants a mff, where as im up for soft/hard swap, group etc...at first he agreed with what I wanted, but when we look he searches for girls and im searching for couples.this indicates to me were definetely not on the same page.

 

First, I am reading this EXACTLY how you wrote it, there may be more to the story, so forgive me if I am off base. You said you initially agreed on what you wanted but now you do not. But you use the word "indicates" to me that says you are not communicating well enough, that you are assuming based on his actions you are not on the same page. You also say he is searching for girls, does that mean he is exclusively searching profiles of single females or he is searching for SF and couples? Or is he searching couples but really only paying attention the female half of the couple. Each of those says something different.

 

Second, don't assume anything. Talk about it. Over communicate if need be, but do not leave things left unsaid and make assumptions of even educated guesses. Too often they are dead wrong.

 

the odd thing is hes the one who initiated it and it seems im more open.he has some insecurities with his size, but ive only told him 100x im not looking to ride a pony I just am turned on by the whole idea.

 

Almost everyone has insecurities about something. None of us are perfect. I know a guy who skydives. He told me once that he loved the idea of skydiving, but the reality terrified him, and that he knew he would never get over his fear unless he forced himself to make the first jump. Last I talked to him he had around a 100 jumps, and I said "I guess you got over your fear." He replied, "Hell no, it still scares the shit out of me, but it is too much fun not to do it anyway."

 

He may get over his insecurities but not unless he makes an effort. Even then he may not get over them, but if he tries he can at least face them and maybe he will find out the fun out weighs the fear.

 

2) were having trouble with the fact that just about everyone on the sites are beautiful, fit,hwp, hung, etc..we are plump, blue collar, laid back people.its a little bit of a bruise of our egos that we cant find people like us.

 

The people we have met run the gamut, from ultra hot to ultra not. But frankly most fall right around the middle. They are the average Joe and Jane. But even then you never know what you are going to get. I have seen demanding profiles that want nothing but super models, and when you meet them they are average looking or worse. And I have seen some really hot people getting together with Joe and Jane. People have different likes and dislikes, you might be happily surprised what you find once you get out there.

 

are we having normal concerns or is this a red flag that we should back off?

 

Normal or red flag? Red flag in one way or another, but you have not given enough detail to say if is because you are not communicating well or if it runs deeper. Normal, possibly that too, it's hard to say without knowing more.

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Coupleerotic had good points.since my original post I have been bringing up the topic quite a bit in order to find out what the root cause is.we have never had communication issues,i think since the whole idea was a bit out of the ordinary for us it tripped us up for a sec.so now we have definetely cleared that up.mostly it was a concern of him"measuring up"against another male.ive tried to reassure him, but we both realize that is something he'll have to work on.as far as the fmf I seem to only have issues with it because ive never been with a woman(wansnt sure if I would enjoy it) and felt the experience could be a bit one sided.since im not as bothered as he is we realized that if were going to take baby steps that the fmf is actually our most agreed upon to start.i think that once he is more comfortable and confident we csm go from there.and if he never is thats ok too.ill be happy trying something new.as far as the issue with our looks etc..thanks to this post shedding some light I think we are pretty much over it.as far as me saying"red flag"sometimes we need outside perspective to see our flaws and to change them.i didnt want to go into or create a bad situation.

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We've kind of had the same problems, so we decided to quit searching for people online and start going to some meet and greats or parties. Not only that, some folks have horrible photos to begin with, so it's hard to even gage any kind of attraction. We aren't super picky when it comes to body size/shape, but have certainly experienced the "we're only looking for HWP people" syndrome. That's fine, but then why did you email us when it clearly says we are standard American sizes, chubby but working on it? Frustrating. Not only that, some pics are clearly very old, or at times seem be of completely different people from other photos. In fact it got so frustrating we quit for a year or so, but we're back looking. You can't kill horny.

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Mrs. DS felt quite empowered & liberated when she found people of all shapes and sizes at the club we visited. Some are looking for a size 6, some are looking for a size 16. It just so happens that YOU are exactly the type that someone else is attracted to.

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Before you worry about anything else or do anything else, you need to have some long talks about what it is you each want out of swinging and come to a concensus on what you are going to look for. It's ok if you each want different things in the long run, but you have to agree on what you want together first. At this point it's about finding the most common denominator, the thing that you can both agree on. If that's a single, great. If it's a couple, great. It really doesn't matter what it is as long as you both agree on it.

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Most definitely this can be a game killer. Mine is my penis size, which I've been aware of all my life. I'm not going to say I'm a 7 incher 'cause someone would say "prove it". I'm very conscientious of my 5 incher; the few times I've been to swing clubs I noticed I was near the shorter end of the samplings around me. And I'm not about to go nude swimming in the cold ocean ... my GOD! My brother use to say "3 inches more I'd be a king ... 3 inches less I'd be a queen" ... and that's about right, too. :sad:

 

I know, I know ... you hear it all the time "size don't matter", but damn it ... if it matters to me, it matters! My wife says if it mattered to her, she wouldn't have married me ... guess that could be true, but the fact that I am below average makes for negative conversations later. It is something I am very sensitive too in a crowd, however. Thank god the darn thing works like a charm. No viagra for the Mac ... :lol: But, I can't think of anything worse to having a small one, unless it would be having a 7-8 incher that wouldn't work right. Mac

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I would just like to reinforce the fact that many of us really don't care about the size of a man's penis. Big ones create more of a "fullness", but smaller ones can really hit me in spots that the big ones don't. I've probably had some of my mind-blowing intercourse with a tiny little Asian dude. And I do mean tiny.

 

Also,it's common for the big ones to have a more difficult time getting erect. It takes a lot of blood to get those things up!

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First of all I think you need to sit down and BOTH be honest about what you are looking for. That is so important to be honest and COMMUNICATE.

 

As for everyone on the site looking like they are perfect...I assure you, they are not. Of course everyone (for the most part) puts up their best pics. Honestly the people I have met in the lifestyle that I was intimidated by their photos have actually been super nice DOWN TO EARTH people. I'm a curvy gal and we have played with some REALLY hot people. So I have found THAT most people expect you to be NORMAL and average every day people. I have also found that while a lot of people's pics are intimidating that in person they aren't so much.

 

The lifestyle has actually helped both myself and my hubby's self esteem and ego. We are normal average people and have had no problem meeting and playing at all. The lifestyle has definitely made me feel sexier than I ever have in my entire life.

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