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Glida

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Glida last won the day on September 14 2014

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About Glida

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    100 Posts Club
  • Birthday 04/21/1975

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  • Relationship Status
    couple, she posts. and then reads to him like poetry.
  • Location
    Israel
  • Occupation
    Teacher
  • Anniversary
    24 July

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  1. Another perspective from a wife... Have you ever considered that it might intimidate her? I'm married to a man with a much bigger apetite than I when it comes to sex, fantacies or devience and it can be intimidating. It makes it much harder to share fantacies when you are playing with the big guns. Which is what you want to do here, get her to share her fantacies, safely. If you are the slower, with the lower appetite partner it can be risk sharing fantacies for fear they may be highjacked, changed, added to or even expected. just a thought maybe it's a consideration ;o)
  2. It's been a few months since the bomb was dropped, and both of us have had to wake up to the facts that surround us. On a positive note i've stopped my rambling and imaginary conversations whilst crashing my way around the house. Both of us have had to wake up to the fact that we are where we are in our 16 year marraige. Whilst I can't speak for him, I can say that for myself i find myself in love with a man in fact the same man that I marreid 16 years ago with whom intimacy is difficult, Sex has become aukward and strange, communication is limited and trust is pretty much ready to jump from the window. I think it's me that's had the awakening. All this has forced me to look inside and ask myself questions about what's really going on. It would be very easy to blame him for everything, for being an addict, for avoiding intimacy, and for using sex/porn as a stress releiver or escape from life rather than something to be enjoyed and shared. And now what it is that makes me think he should change? He's not going to change. He said so himself. He does not want to change nor seek any guildence. He goes through periods of trying to stop... his addiction has now become a pornography addiction which takes place in the small hours when i'm 'asleep' (or trying to be). He will go through small periods where he say's "i'm not doing it anymore" and then goes through cold turkey where his sexual desire becomes non exsistant. He white knuckle rides the detox untill the next stresser comes along and then he's back in the bubble and i'm frustrated and hurt and we are argueing again. He doesn't see that there is any major problem here. The only downer is that i'm not OK with it. And that's what's causing the problem. So how do i be OK with it. How do I be OK with a man I don't feel I can go to when I need comfort? How do I get over the fact that i feel like I'm begging the love of my life to pay me some attention, have a conversation, even eye contact would be nice. I know that I'm probably not the easiest of people to spend time with right now and I want to take that pressure off of him, he's not my keeper, and it's not his job to fullfill me...I think I'm getting that now...slowly, I have the words for it, i'm just not feeling it quite yet. There is no question in my mind that I want to be in a different relationship, with another man, although he thinks this is the case. I want to stay in my marriage, I want to learn not to expect from him but accept him. It starts with me, this much I know, i have to look out for myself and take care of myself it's just really difficult looking into my future with this feeling, that i'm not enough to fullfill him, that his life is in some way weighing him down and he is bored of me, his behavour is not attrative and i'm just the wife, the boring, needy, desperate wife. It's a tough one, i seem to walk a fine line of standing up for myself and standing alone, or indulging in the fantasy that we can find our way back to each other again. anyway rambling...thanks for listening.
  3. Glida

    My Sex Addict

    Thank you, I'm trying to be strong although it's tough and never leaves me, some say that's co addiction, as you can imagine there aren't many places I can open up about this...
  4. I'm walking around the house washing dishes having conversations with myself. Frustrated and angry ramblings about how sucky the situation is. He said to me the other day, 'We should get back into the scene...things used to be sexier" I mean jesus what fucking planet! Sexier?? for who?? I certainly didn't feel sexy and what he was doing for sure wasn't giving him any kind of sexual satisfaction. Maybe he's talking about that cloud of delusion he lived under dreaming about the chances of the perfect (well fill in the blank really) to come along and satisfy his desperate needs. Delusion is a good word, he still has no clue how I felt and how I feel, it's like I'm talking to myself, probably why i'm standing in the kitchen snapping at the cuttlery. At least they can't get affended and ignore me for days. I can lay awake at night untill the early hours when the birds are tweeting , on the occasions that he finds me at 3;am on the sofa trying to soothe myself to sleep he attempts to ask what;s wrong but after a couple sentences of me explaining how difficult i'm finding things and how coping is hard, he is offended as i've judged him and blamed him for this situation we are in. There's no empathy for me, no understanding and no soft place to fall, I'm just ignored and then ignored some more when I'm not feeling sexy! "I love you and I love your body, but i'm not interested in having sex with you!" Wow that one made me feel really sexy. He then back tracked and said that it's not that he doesn't want to have sex with me it's just that he wants me to want it more with him. I mean I just can't win, I'm already battling the temptation to blame myself for not being enough for him and I've lost whatever sex appeal I used to have. I tried masturbation a few times and well...let's just say there is not much to write about! I'm not body concious, i'm fit, healthy and beautiful but most of the time I feel like a good Chardoney brought out at a party only for the guest of honour to need a bottle of Jack Daniels to enjoy the occasion. He just doesn't get it...people say that acknoledging your addiction is the biggest step, but I don't see it. Acknowldging his addiction seems to have only given him license to pretend some more that it's dealt with! We are no further on than we were a year ago when we were still in the dark. The only difference now is that i'm a bitch who appears to have turned her back on his suffering. I'm not even sure what i'm angry about, myself for enabling for so long, him for not seeing me in all of this, or the addiction that is not going to go away by itself! Sometimes I feel like i'm just being selfish, 'what about me?' I keep saying to myself. I'm trying my best to get on with 'normal life' but it's a fight. It must be what greiving feels like, I feel like I lost something.
  5. Glida

    My Sex Addict

    It got so much worse towards the end. If I had thought he couldn't see me in the beginning, approaching the end I was totally invisible. Trapped in a body being played with, trying to connect my mind to what was going on outside and feel something.... anything. I used to think it was me, low libido, not turned on anymore, maybe I'm approaching menopause or a hormone imbalance is making me feel less... yet I could eventually see that it wasn't me. I felt unseen and irrelevant in his latest fantasy I just couldn't put my finger on why. Our last swinging date before I pulled the plug was cringeworthy to say the least. Sitting in a bar trying to get myself in the mood and up to speed with where he was but knowing full well that if we decided to take things to the next level it was going to be a white-knuckle ride for me. Then it happened, the nail in the coffin! After an hour or so of polite conversation with a nice couple over a few drinks, he was well in his zone and ready to flow, and without a thought or even a glance in my direction, the bill was ordered, he was ready and fueled by his frustrated desire. He very confidently asserted himself 'Excuse me miss, the bill please'. The waitress hadn't heard him so it was bellowed across the pub once again. Had he screamed any loader the windows would have rattled. There was a fire in his eyes, desperation in his voice, he was like a hunter with his eyes on the prize. Something inside me was screaming, 'get the hell out of his way, he's a blind man with a loaded shotgun in his hands, someone's going to get hurt' and that person was probably going to be me. I was done, out, it was over for me, I wanted no more of this charade. Weeks after, having cleaned my phone and computer of any trace of swinging, I began to give myself the break I needed. 'This is not normal' I would say to myself even though I didn't know what 'it' was. 'It's not my fault', 'I can't fix this', 'no matter how I change, adapt, improve, or try, this is nothing to do with me'. This gave me some peace. 'It' was nothing to do with me, I did not create it, I didn't cause it and I am powerless to change it. The only thing I could do was protect myself for the storm that was about to come. You know when you work on a problem so much that all you do is go around in circles, well I was ready to put down all the mismatched pieces and move one, I was out, done, finished and ready to face whatever life had to throw at me, but one thing was for sure, He may have been an addict, but I wasn't going to be. Date night came around a few weeks later which normally meant, me and him hitting the town, dressed up, drinking, flirting and sharing our desires and fantasies and falling in love all over again. But this night was different. I'd stopped my futile fantasizing some time ago and the words coming out of my mouth that night were not ones that ignited the air with dirty talk and flattery but ones that told him the game was over. 'You're an addict' I said. 'You have a problem', 'This is not normal behavior'. At the same time, I was well aware that telling an addict they're an addict can sometimes backfire as most of the time denial is the common response. But I was surprised, hurt and relieved when he said…'Come on darling, have you only just realized that? I've been this was my whole life'. I was devastated. How could he let me spend mouths, years even, trying to work out was wrong with us, me, our marriage when it wasn't my shortcomings but his addiction that muddied the waters of our intimacy. Denial, deceit, shame, and guilt were common threads throughout our marriage for both of us. Most people think that sex addicts like lots of sex and whilst this is the case, sex is not his goal. Sex for a sex addict is a place they go to relieve distress in their lives not a place of love, connection and intimacy. Swinging web sites, pornography, hook up sites, Russian brides, prostitution, massage parlors and online dating sites where his drug, swinging was just the tip of the iceberg that amplified his addiction and even that was sourced in secret most of the time. During the times when I did open our on line profile, the messages had already been filtered, sorted and some replied to, telephone numbers swapped, pictures either rejected or kept and decisions had already been made on our behalf obviously during the hours that I slept, worked, studied or ran the day to day family affairs. His mind ran 24/7, he was like a Ferrari with no brakes and all this done in his secret world of turmoil. Intimacy between us had crumbled over the years and our foundation which already had cracks was being put to the test. It’s heartbreaking for a wife to try to satisfy the man she loves when he cannot be satisfied. Hours of love making with a primary goal of holding onto the fantasy and prolong climax for as long as possible were the norm. Almost instantly, once finished he would go to pornography to start all over again. His need became insatiable, his tolerence full blown and withdraral could be triggered at any moment. Any argument or inkling of rejection would send him in the small hours to the internet and I dreaded to think of what had been happening outside our family home though one thing was for sure, there was nothing he could tell me that would scare me more that living the rest of my married life this. As his addiction worsened there came a point where he could no longer perform in bed. No matter how much lingerie, gymnastics, or openness to try new things I brought to our bedroom, it was never enough. Sex had become practical and mechanical for me, I was just a prop. I would lay next to the man I loved and no matter how turned on I was, he was frustrated. Orgasms were traded like poker chips and measured accordingly. On those times when we did meet 'the perfect couple' the bliss of our experience which at the time was sexy, days later became insignificant to him, even repulsive and he was on a mission to find better. On the rare occasions that my fantasies were considered and actualized which were few and far between, the ecstasy too was short lived as I, in his opinion, had been selfish and the only one that had received any pleasure. Moving onto present day and a short while into his recovery, if you would call it that, I don't know what the future holds, I'm taking it day by day and trying to protect myself. Whilst light has been shed on all of the dark areas of his addiction, I can see that it's a slippery slope back into the underworld. But that's not something I can prevent nor is it something that I will enable. I don't entertain the idea of swinging even though he does and assures me that he now see's that I am the one who holds all the cards. Sex and intimacy between is far from perfect. He's a great provider for our family and a loving husband and friend who lives in constant battle with himself which any loving wife will know is hard to see and to bare. Living with my sex addict husband puts me in a precarious situation, it's a selfish affliction and one that effects the very heart of marriage. On one hand, I walk a fine line between walking around on egg shells and enabling his addiction as I know that any kind of stress or rejection can send him running for his fix. And on the other hand, my withdrawal and refusal to indulge him leaves me feeling empty, lonely and neglected. The man I love and want to love can't see me, I'm a body with a woman trapped inside trying to fake desire.
  6. I apologize in advance if I come across as harsh but having been in your shoes too many times, I think you need to understand the position that your husband is in. One where you his wife thinks and feels one way but acts another. He's not a mind reader and your actions tell him that you are somewhat happy to go along with his ideas. This is in your hands, if you don't feel 100% then don't do it. Complaining halfheartedly and then allowing yourself to be persuaded is giving him mixed signals. Whilst I think his behavour sucks, you are letting it happen. You are not being paranoid his behavour is real but you seem to be enabling it. Tell the truth, be honest and stand by your words.
  7. I heard once that 'the fear' and excitement envoke the same phyiological responce but it's our brain that decides which it is. I think it's similar to fight or flight. I'm a flyer, I would bolt at the first trigger, that first knife in the side would normally have me heading for the door. We decided to leave the LS for a while because of this reason. Since then and after a lot of talking and honesty I'm ready to say that most of the time I wasn't actually scared of what I saw or was about to see but that I was shamefully turned on by it. It wasn't a fear of seeing what he will do to another women, the fear is, and still is admitting that i'm turned on by it. Admitting it would tarnish the vail of perfection I tend to live me life under. (i'm the girl next door type) Check yourself, Are you sure it's jealousy? Don't rule out envy, they are often assumed to mean the same thing. Don't rush. Take your time, it's taken a few years to get to this understanding and even now I I have to check what I'm really feeling.
  8. I've thought about this post a lot since it was posted, especially since I'm the wife who is on the verge of giving up... I posted that I didn't feel heard, but then said in the next post that "we talk all the time". Well it turns out that I'm not being heard because we are not having the right conversation. When I look at what we talk about it's generally associated with what we want, desire or feel like doing. What we fantasize about, what our boundaries are and so on. We never have the conversation that Lionheart posted about 'Why we want to do it'. We never talk about what it means for each of us to be nonmonogamous. We jumped straight into acting out our fantasies and skipped over "What does it mean for each of us to include others?" and more alarmingly we never had the conversation about 'The thing we are missing' in our primary relationship that makes us look outside. Answers to these questions are what we should be talking about in order to continue in the LS. So thank you for opening my eyes...
  9. Yes he knows... We talk all the time, we just see things differently, That's part of the LS, to communicate, trust and find your way. My point was that Mrs Jamie would have dropped some hints as to why she felt like giving up.
  10. You say that you are, or were swingers which would suggest that up until 8 months ago you were communicating. I'm sure she didn't just wake up one morning and decide to 'go vanilla'. Had she been telling you or trying to tell you something? Perhaps something that you weren't actually hearing. She would have given signs. I'm on the verge of where your wife was 8 months ago and it's not because I don't want to be in the lifestyle, it's because I'm not being heard. Just a thought.
  11. It sounds like the 4 years swinging experience has left you not being able to stomach what's good for your man. Unless you venture out into the LS from a place of 'giving' to your other half than you are not swinging but just tolerating who the other one fucks! Sorry to sound harsh but you are flying solo darling, you are not thinking about anyone other than yourself at the moment. Say good bye to the distraction and focus on your husband, just the two of you for now, it won't be forever however you two need to reconnect.
  12. I think honesty is always the best policy but timing can be everything! I cheated, twice, once at the beginning of the relationship and once after a number of years of marrage. Every friend I have warned me to never say anything to my husband and to bury it. Anyway that didn't work so well and the truth fell out of my mouth after 14 years of marrage whilst we were 'communicating' one night. But I always had this feeling that I would tell him one day! The thing i'm getting at is that your title is "Is this swinging?". If you really want to be in the LS and open yourselves up to sharing and being with others then like everybody has said so far, you need to be intimate, honest, open and communicate with your partner first and when you do that, this little indiscetion, let's call it a learning curve will come up anyway. So in a way your fate has been seeled. Keeping a secret like that when you are truely intimate and open with your partner is a killer.
  13. A firm kiss, like you mean it. Like you wanna eat me. My mouth will just fall open as wide as you want it.... I love kissing and especially love when guys kiss like girls!
  14. Maybe you just needed more information. You said, "It sounds like"...and "maybe a couple"" which means you are not sure. It sounds like you feel in the dark and that might be the issue. Just a thought.
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