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dburton

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About dburton

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    Contributor
  • Birthday 09/19/1956

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  • Relationship Status
    Couple
  • Location
    florida

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  1. Dear LikeMinds321, The people I met were as depicted in this forum. They were friendly and approachable. No one was aggressive or pushy. I expected the action on the on-premises side of the club to be far more wild. There were only several exhibitionists. Most people played in private rooms that had closed translucent curtains -- so even that experience was at my pace.
  2. Dear LikeMinds321 (and all others wanting an update), It's hard to believe that I first posted my question only a few weeks ago. I have come a long way in a short period of time. In terms of your question, we have been dating for 4 months. We see each other once every week or two. Yes, I have talked to him "about all this." (Everyone's advice here was very, very helpful -- as has been the advice I read on other discussion threads). He was amazed at and appreciated how much time and effort I spent learning about the lifestyle. We went to a club on Valentine's Day. I was nervous initially, but everything quickly became okay. He was attentive, and we went at my pace. We didn't meet any other couples with whom we would like to play, but we interacted with others and had a wonderful evening.
  3. Dear iapr, Thanks for the succinct decision rule! As I have stated many times, I like what I have read about the lifestyle because it focuses on the couple's well being (and nurturing and sharing with your partner) rather than selfish self-satisfaction.
  4. Dear SW_PA_couple (and everyone else who has posted on this and other forums), Thank you for your clarification. By asking questions and reading postings, I have learned so much not only about the lifestyle, but also about relationships in general. I have learned how important it is to express my wants and desires (which begins with serious self-reflection to know what they are -- a first step that I have not always taken) and to make sure that I understand my partner's. (Had I followed these general principles -- not just in regard to sex -- I would still be happily married today.) I have also learned ways to ensure that I am treating people with respect at all times, including how to say "no" firmly and graciously. (I need to practice that more at work when I'm asked to take on additional assignments. ) Finally, the postings have enforced the importance of self-respect and the ways that I have unwittingly undermined myself in the past. Once again, thank you so much for the invaluable life lessons!!!!!!!!
  5. Dear SW_PA_Couple, Could you please elaborate on your comments -- specifically, could you please elaborate on the second sentence?
  6. Dear ncmd_couple (and anyone else who would like to respond), Thank you for laying one fear to rest. I have read a number of posts on outing, but yours really hit the point home. One of the most interesting things about being a newbie is that it is getting me to look much more closely at my assumptions, beliefs, and fears about relationships and about sexuality. I know a number of people have mentioned jealousy, but I am not jealous by nature. (e.g., I had no problems when my previous boyfriend socialized with his ex-girlfriends while he was dating me -- including his spending weekends away with them.) My concern is that I will have a difficult time just being sexual/enjoying recreational sex, that I am not attractive enough, that I am not (as the old saying goes) "good enough in bed", etc. and that, ultimately, I will be a disappointment not only to the man I am playing with but to the man I am currently dating. I am hoping that I can "manage" my feeling/ thoughts in a similar way to how I "manage" my stage fright. Even though I have given hundreds of presentations, each time I give one my heart beats rapidly, I feel lightheaded, and I wonder what possessed me to pick my profession. Once I begin speaking, I relax, and I eventually feel energized. .... If you have any ideas of how I can lessen my fears regarding sexual inadequacy besides "feel the fear and do it anyway" I would love to hear them.
  7. Dear luvnksstyle, You weren't being too wordy. I appreciate your clarifications.
  8. Dear LikeMinds321, A number of your comments don't resonate with me. However, I have learned over the years to never immediately accept or reject someone else's views. You provide a different perspective than many of the other people who have posted to this discussion board. I appreciate the time you have taken to write me and express your views. I will ponder your words over the next few weeks. It may be that you don't have all the details (and therefore understanding) of the situation that I have, or it may be that you have insights I don't have because I am too emotionally invested in the situation.
  9. Dear Hotwallabies, Thank you for the advice. Also, I loved your 0 to 60 smiley. It emphasized your point in a way that put a smile on my face (perhaps that is the reason that they really are called smileys).
  10. Dear ViSexual, Your comment about being attracted to someone who is unavailable to me gives me food for thought. THANKS!
  11. Dear Chicup, First, thank you for the compliment that I seem perfect to join your ranks. Second, a number of people in this forum have told me not to enter the lifestyle for the man I am dating. I totally concur with this advice. If I just did it for him and it ran counter to who I am, then I would lose something far more valuable than a relationship. I would be losing my essence/ soul/ spirit (which would result in my becoming a shell of a person and, in the end, undoubtedly would kill the relationship anyway).
  12. Dear iapr (and to anyone else who would like to respond): I have struggled with identifying what I fear. The one which I have already mentioned is the fear of being "found out." I worry about being judged harshly by those in the vanilla world and being ruined professionally and rejected personally. Over the past few days, I also realize that I am worried that I might be harassed or pressured by someone I already know who I run into at a club or party. You identified another challenge and more aptly associated it with the feeling of being very unsettled (versus fearful) when you stated, "The downside is you are at a point now where you are realizing a whole new sexual paradigm and it has you uncertain of how you should be reacting or what you should be doing." The one other "fear" I have identified to date relates to how I communicate with my friends and family. My life has been, for the most part, an open book. If I enter the lifestyle, that will no longer be the case. In my profession, I am used to keeping other people's confidences. I am not used to having to keep my own life secrets, and that would be a significant departure from how I live my life currently. I would appreciate your thoughts and/or reassurances on any of the three areas that I have touched upon in this posting.
  13. Dear lizandtom, Hi! It's been a very busy past few days and I have to get back to work shortly, but I wanted to respond to you while I had the time. Based on your comments as well as those of others, I talked to him yesterday about how we felt about each other and what I felt comfortable with regarding the lifestyle. Your comments in the last two paragraphs were extremely helpful. Your advice was to ask him not to engage in any lifestyle activities during my "introductory" period. Because he misses his friends and this lifestyle, several weeks ago I requested that he only play with current friends with benefits (a request he has honored). After reading your comments repeatedly, I realize that I am okay with this arrangement if he goes to a club or party without me. However, this arrangement would be exceedingly difficult for me if I he went with me. I think he is okay with going at my pace when he is with me, but that is something else for us to discuss. We have a number of clubs in the local area (one within a five miles of my home). I have read several discussion threads about the fear of meeting someone you know. The common response, "well they are there too," is a logical one, but fear isn't logical. Am I being overly cautious/concerned by wanting my first exposures to the lifestyle to be in another city (e.g., a two-hour drive)?
  14. Dear ViSexual, Maybe you could help me out further. What about the lifestyle makes it so important to you that you still think about it so many years later?
  15. Dear slevin: THANK YOU so much for the time you have taken to write to me. Given the importance of keeping a person's Lifestyle choice private, I couldn't use any of my friends as a sounding board. Until I discovered this forum today, I felt that I had no one to talk to besides him. Yes, I'm intrigued by swinging. The helpfulness and intelligence of people like you on this site has made me even more intrigued. I wouldn't pursue swinging as a single female. I really like the emphasis on couples with solid, committed relationships. ... It's going to be an interesting year ...
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