Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Guest guestionabledaughter

Unhappy child of swingers

Recommended Posts

Guest guestionabledaughter

I am a daughter of a swingers as well as nudists. They dragged my brother and I to nudists camps all across the country. Now here I sit trying to do research in understanding what "makes them tick." You have stated that your 9 year old son will "understand" someday. Don't count on it. My brother's marriage is screwed up because he never learned to be faithful. Kids learn by example. I became depressed and anorexic. The thought of knowing my mom was with another man and vise/versa tore me up inside. I caught them. OUCH!!! They thought they were safe. Just think about that.

Share this post


Link to post

I think the fact that you are angry at your parents says a lot. The main problem here was perhaps the fact that as kids you weren't comfortable with the nudism and the fact that you were forced to do something you weren't comfortable with says a lot about your parents. I for one would never make my kids go nude if they did not want to.

 

As for the sexual aspects of swinging, it is understanding your own sexuality that leads many people to feel comfortable enough to share with others.Our society on the whole does not try to understand the sexual side of people...it is very much a hidden part of society.

 

As a child my parents never pushed their attitudes on us we were given free rein to information and were allowed to make our own choices. I am not embarrassed by my body and will walk around the house nude and my kids think nothing of it...my husband is not quite as open and they accept that.

 

Obviously when you walked in on your mother with another man it was very traumatic...how old were you? It is hard enough for kids to accept their parents as sexual beings with one another much less to find out there is a deeper realm to it...especially when our society pushes the monogamy aspect of marriage. Right there that was a psychological trauma for you.

 

You need to get to the bottom of your feeling as I think you might be taking that anger out on your parents now especially as you have children now. It is a hard thing to examine yourself and see what makes you tick but I think it will help you understand the way you feel better.

Share this post


Link to post
Guest CyberMWCouple

As we mention this a LOT here on the SwingersBoard, COMMUNICATION is the key in ANY relationship! Whether it be with your parents, spouse/partner(s), children, friends, co-workers, etc....It doesn't matter, COMMUNICATION is a vital part of ANY relationship.

 

Along with COMMUNICATION, we have CHOICES. Like ourselves, our parents are human too. We ALL make mistakes here and there in our lives, but we should also learn and grow from them. We may not approve of a lot of things our parents do/did, but that doesn't mean that we have to follow in their footsteps either! What works for one family/couple (in raising children, and the life we each live, eg. the "lifestyle") may not work for another, including ourselves.

 

Along with COMMUNICATION & CHOICES, raising our families with RESPECT & OPENNESS may steer away from a lot of confusion, hurt, and maybe guilt, among other emotional problems that we may encounter in our lives.

 

If after COMMUNICATING with your parents about the way you feel/felt about their CHOICES they've made in their involvement in the lifestyle, and there's still some confusion there, and nothing seems to get resolved, the only thing we could hope for is that everyone is matured enough to move on with their lives, except the CHOICES they've made with OPENNESS and move on with your lives. :)

 

ENJOY LIFE TO THE FULLEST!

Share this post


Link to post
Guest CyberMWCouple

1. Your parents raised you the best way they knew how and now you have the nerve to whine about it? Grow up and learn that the world is not here to slave to your beck and call.

 

2. The lifestyle is not for everyone, and everyone in the lifestyle knows that. You were given the free choice to make your own decision. So make your choice and live with it.

 

3. The only REAL reason something in our past still affects us is because we let it. Get over it already.

Share this post


Link to post

It is inappropriate to take children to nudist events. Maybe 3 and 4 year olds, but not once they reach 7 or 8. I think it was popular in the 70's and parent honestly believed they were teaching their kids to be "free" and "unashamed" BUT the onset of hormones, peer's who have completely different experiences, etc. It makes children very uncomfortable and sexualizes that at way too early an age! While an adult couple who has a normal sex life can enjoy social nudity, for a child coming into puberty that IS a sexual experience and not something that should be shared with their parents!

 

For the original poster, your parents had every right to live what ever lifestyle they wanted. They are probably uncomfortable discussing it now because they realize they were not as discreet as they should have been! You can't force them to talk to you and if you did,you might not like the answers. If you feel you cannot lead a normal life I would seek counseling for this. If you are involved in swinging, be careful you don't repeat your parents mistakes! I don't think a parents sex life , what ever it is, should ever be shard with their children before the age of 21 or later

Share this post


Link to post

Ok... I can see where you may have a problem with your parents being involved with the lifestyle. That's your parents and an example of how unique we all are in personalities. Ok... In our case I believe that children feed off their parents moods and attitude..Vibes if you will. What our kids had before my husband and I entered the swinging world was a set of bored, stressed, unhappy parents. Our mood bled over to them.. they were a pair of nervous, quiet kids, who were not as happy as they should have been.. a case of monkey see monkey do.. Mom and Dad are depressed so we are too. NOW that we are in the swinging world.. what they have now is a set of ALIVE, fulfilled, excited, unstressed and HAPPY parents. Our new found mood is bleeding over to them once again.. We have HAPPY, vibrant kids again. Hey..even their grades have improved!! :)

 

We are discreet, very much so. They don't know WHY mom and dad are so much more alive and happy all they know is it's great! And they like it!

 

So each to their own I guess... :)

Share this post


Link to post

The husband of the cyber couple told me to "get over it". It is hard to get over something that your parents are actively doing in front of your children. I have asked pleaded for them not to yet they still went nude in front of my kids. They still go to "swing camps" (which only I know about). They sunbathe nude and come home all tanned and then my dad goes to the skin doctor and has chunks of cancer pulled out of his skin. My kids know that. They also know he still goes out in the sun by his skin color. He has scars all over his body and the lifestyle is killing him.

 

I love them deeply which is my reason for coming on this board and try to understand what motivates him and my mom to continue. Your response "to get over it" sounds just like my dad. The rest of you made sense and I was almost thinking that maybe you are very loving people that just are different then my parents, but I suppose not. You sounded just like the proud pompous person he is who doesn't care about others feelings, including his own daughter. It's really sad.

 

People should be free to live however they want and do what they want, but if that's the case, they should be far more considerate of their children and if they can't be, they shouldn't have any.

 

I keep hearing how swingers feel that communication is the key. If that is so I was trying to figure out why they won't talk to me about it. They tell me I made it up and they never took me to camps etc. Yet they have pictures in their closet and my brother and I both know they are lying. I have also talked with people who were there.

 

I have finally moved with my husband and kids out of state. I was here hoping I could come up with a new way to learn how to approach them. Who better to teach me I thought then those who are involved. No doctor can teach me how people feel in a lifestyle they know nothing about. I can't just "get over it" because until it is resolved, I won't have much of a relationship with my parents and I love them far too much to let it go.

 

P.S. I think it was Lisa who mentioned the 70's free love thing and she was right on the money. It was the very early 70's.

Share this post


Link to post

Questionabledaughter,

 

It's quite obvious that you love and care about your parents, and wish they were more careful. It's very true that excessive exposure to the sun causes skin cancer, too. That's why I don't get much sun! :) Anyhow, not all people who are lifestylers are nudists. Many of us are too shy....

 

Matter of fact, most of them are folks that you'd NEVER GUESS were swingers. Really!!

 

Your parents obviously want to do things their way, and they won't be dissuaded from their choices by anyone, not even their own children. It's too bad that they don't talk or reason with you concerning this issue, since communication is extremely vital. That's the reason so many marriages these days go on the rocks, lack of communication.

 

Maybe your parents could be persuaded to "cover it up" when you and the kids come for a visit. I know that I certainly would in that situation. But then, everyone has his or her own set of beliefs. Naturally, mine have their own "slants!!" LOL :)

Share this post


Link to post

I have two thoughts on this subject. First, as someone mentioned, not all swingers are nudists, and in return not all nudists are swingers. Yes excessive exposure to the sun causes skin cancer, just as smoking causes lung cancer, but if someone knows this and still continues to be in the sun or smoke then that is their choice.

 

As far as your parents being nude in front of your children. That is something you do have a right to say something about. You have the right to put your foot down to the point where you let them know that if they want to see your children they will either do so in YOUR home where you can watch over the interaction or they will keep their clothes on in their home, or they will not see your children at all.

 

I think the only place where swinging really comes into play in this conversation at all is that you caught your parents and now they won't "fess up". That is a lack of communication on their part. Something I think all parents are guilty of. I personally think that if all parents were open with their children there would be a lot less problems. Children could actually see what makes their parents the way they are and make their own choices based on that, rather than on what they THINK makes their parents the way they are.

 

As for children being taken to nudist events I don't think there is anything wrong with this... at least not from the child's point of view. In fact being open about our bodies and sexuality with our children can help them to grow up to be stronger people and make them less likely to go out and do things we don't want them to do. Why? Because we have been open with them, they won't be wondering about the things their friends are talking about and wanting to try things just because mom and dad say no. Because you (the parent) will have explained things to them and they will know what it's all about. They'll know that a naked body is no big deal and that sex is something special. But as with everything it's up to the parents to teach the children... and too often nowadays the parents leave that job to someone else.

Share this post


Link to post
Guest CyberMWCouple

Perhaps I sound like your dad. Maybe you should listen to them. It is quite simple. They have made it very clear to you that this is the life that they have chosen and they have no intention of ever changing. If this is not something that you want your children exposed to, that is your choice. If they do not want to adhere to your wishes, then do not let the children see them. Either way, complaining about your parents does no good for anyone, including yourself.

Share this post


Link to post

They refuse to abide by my husband's and I wishes that clothes stay on in front of our kids. I just don't think they should know. Would you be able to let your parents go? It hurts to let them go. It hurts to let them stay.

Share this post


Link to post

Sometimes it does help just to be able to talk about how you feel with others who aren't directly involved.

 

It seems that you are in a role reversal with your parents... you talk about how it hurts to let them go. They are your parents, you really have no right to tell them how to live, just as now that you are an adult they have no right to tell you have to live. Yes you can make suggestions and yes you can let them know that you don't approve, and yes I think that if they refuse to honor your wishes about YOUR children that you should keep your children from them. They raised you as they saw fit, now it is your turn to raise your children. Do the best job you can.

 

I just came through a similar situation (only opposite) with my mother when she found out about my lifestyle choices. She was far from happy and begged and pleaded for me to change my ways. It's my life now tho and I make the choices, not her. Yes I know that the choices I make may hurt her, but if I lived my entire life only trying not to hurt my mom I would not be a very happy person. It's not up to your parents to live their life to make you happy either. It's up to you to live your life to make you happy. If they've done things you don't agree with move on and don't do those same things. If they raised you in ways that you look back on and see as unfitting or wrong, don't raise your children in the same ways.

 

The great thing about parenting is that you get to make the choices now, and you don't have to follow in your parent's footsteps.

 

I know that no parent wants to keep their children from the grandparents but if your parents refuse to honor your wishes in how you want your children raised, you may have to take that step, or at the very least keep the contact to times when you can supervise it.

Share this post


Link to post
Guest CyberMWCouple
Originally posted by questionabledaughter:

....Would you be able to let your parents go? It hurts to let them go. It hurts to let them stay.

 

Our parents have moved on with the Lord. So the answer to your question is "No", and that it was (and still is) hard to "let our parents go", but we had no choice. And you DO. Just be glad that you AND your children still have your parents around to enjoy for years to come! Don't waste time trying to analyze what others have done in their lives, or the choices they've made. If any wrong doings were done, forgive and move on and learn from them. Enjoy each other's company to the fullest!

 

Sometimes we have to enjoy things with "limitations" (eg. parents fully clothed while visiting with grandchildren). Love, patience, and understanding with LOTS of communication will make way for a much more fulfilling relationship between you, your children, and your parents. You are your children's "bridgeway" to your parents, it's up to you on what part of your parents lives you wanna share with your children....Set your ground rules, standby them, and live by them. If your parents can't come to an agreement with your "rules", then it's their loss!

 

I know if it was us, we'd do what it takes to keep seeing our grandchildren! Even if it means being fully clothed, but we'll live....*lol*

 

GOOD LUCK!

Share this post


Link to post

You seem very bitter and pissed off with your parents for THEIR lifestyle. The only legitimate gripe you seem to have is that your parents prance around nude in front of your children (how old btw?). This is very easy to handle, you tell them you are not comfortable with it, ask them not to, if they do then they are not respecting your wishes with the children and you need to break it off. It is not about letting go its about respect and if they don't respect how you wish to raise your child you really have no choice.

 

Now while maybe seeing your parents swinging horrified you as a child, well you are not a child anymore, you have to realize that these things go on (look at the huge % of spouses who cheat on each other, would you have rather have had that?) and if your parents don't want to talk to you about them it is THEIR business. Did you tell them about the first time a boy touched your breasts, or the first time you masturbated? Its your turn to respect them and not probe into areas of their relationship they are not comfortable with you entering. If they said yes they did it, what do you gain? Vindication? You should be happy that they are happy with themselves and each other. My wife and I have had some limited swinging experience and it has made an already strong marriage much stronger, and while I have never cheated on my wife it has removed all desire in me to even think about 'cheating' which I would have from time to time before we started swinging. You don't have to like it, but it is their life not yours. I don't know what answer you want to hear but often the answer you want to hear is not the answer you should hear.

Share this post


Link to post

Another couple, Apparently you didn't take the time to read my messages carefully. I am not pissed off with my parents. If I were, I wouldn't waste my time here trying to get advice on how to deal with them and their open nudity and hidden lifestyle that they refuse to talk to me about and refuse to quit (the nudity part) in front of my children. I was trying to find out if this is common in the "lifestyle" and how those in the "lifestyle" deal with it as I assumed it is the best place to get advice.

 

If their lives were private as they should be I realize it would be none of my business, but their lives are not. It directly affects me and my children.

 

You seemed to have made a lot of assumptions at me. I am no longer bitter or angry with them. As far as the "lifestyle" keeping them together, that has hurt them as well. My mom did "cheat" on my dad. When my dad found out he tossed her out on the streets naked in front of my brother and I along with all of my neighbors.(I was 14). They did eventually get back together.

 

As far as the first time someone did touch my breasts you assumed I did not tell them but yes I did. The first time I was touched was on my 15th birthday. I was tied up, had the shit beat out of me and I was raped and thrown into the streets bleeding. Believe me if after all I have been through if I was bitter and angry, I would have told them off, raked them over the coals, and CERTAINLY would not be asking anyone's advice on how to do it. I simply wanted advice on how other people in the lifestyle handle situations like this and if my parents behavior was typical in the lifestyle as I am learning it is not.

Share this post


Link to post

QuestionableDaughter, I think that you deserve kudos just for taking the time to research this lifestyle and ask questions rather than just making assumptions based on your experiences with your parents. Don't get upset at those who might be a little overzealous about defending this lifestyle. We get beat down a lot by those who don't understand what we are all about (because they haven't taken the time to find out), and because of that we might be a little skittish.

 

As for your situation, we all go through things in our lives that we wish never happened, some get a larger share than others. I'm glad to see that you are working through your past and doing your best to make sure that your children don't have to go through the same problems. I'm sure that if you've learned nothing else from what happened between yourself & your parents as well as research that you've done it's how important communication is.. not just between you and your spouse but between you and your children as well.

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...