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Porn is the answer?

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I have been pondering the "how to's " of approaching my wife to explore swinging. I have read nearly every post in every forum concerning the subject. I have researched this subject to exhaustion. I did so be wise I felt she had hinted abouth the lifestyle a few times aqnd I wanted to be informed before I jumped off the bridge.

 

The whole process has been addictive and has made me incredibly horny. I am imagining things I would have never considered before. I have not found more than a handful of negative posts on the lifestyle. However, I noticed a very common thread in the posts that give advice about swinging. Pornography.

 

I am doing some soul searching on how my viewing porn has got me to where we are. My viewing has ramped up considerably since delving into this lifestyle. Everyone is so happy and content it is easy to take the leap.

 

I am concerned that I have to inundate my wife with porn to get her so amped up she will want to be fucked by anything and everything. We have a wonderful 25 year marraige that I am trying to make "better" because my increased porn habit has escalated to the point that I would offer up my most prized possession in the world so I can bust a bigger nut. Don't misunderstand, I want to bring her pleasures more than anything. I would love to see her experience another woman or other men if it brought her pleasure.

 

I am becoming more convinced that I am only entertaining the notion because I could not stay away from porn and I am now in the position where it takes more and more to get off. "Talking her into it" through porn and manipulative statements seems like the wrong notion.

 

I will ask her straight up, but not until I go 30 days without overloading myself with porn. I may have a bit more clarity. If she is inclined ... so be it. I want her to be pleased. If not, I have a great thing and will be content.

 

I would like to know if there are any out there with a different view on the role porn played, or still plays, in this lifestyle. I would also like to know if I am alone in feeling the tactics to "talk" her into it are manipulative and wrong. Thanks!

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:Welcome:, Unregistered! I'm glad you've joined us!

 

Porn had nothing to do with our entering the lifestyle.

 

Swinging does not make couples better communicators and happier married people. Happily married couples who communicate well make it possible for them to swing.

 

I'd suggest you talk to your wife about swinging, but do not try to talk her into it.

 

As far as "how to bring it up," I find it easier to ask questions which cannot be answered by "yes" or "no." Our favorite was, "How do you feel about swinging?" Not "Wanna start fucking other people?"

 

If you and your wife can ask any question without fear of the reaction, it will be easy to talk about swinging. If you can't, that ability needs to be developed first.

 

It would be a good idea to register so you can participate in this discussion. The folks here will be glad to help but they will need to ask you questions.

 

Alura

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I am becoming more convinced that I am only entertaining the notion because I could not stay away from porn and I am now in the position where it takes more and more to get off. "Talking her into it" through porn and manipulative statements seems like the wrong notion.

 

Quick measure; if you think you're manipulating her, you probably are.

 

Something else to consider; it's possible to be addicted to porn. In reading your post I'm getting a feeling that you just might be addicted to it. Walk away from it for a while.

 

Also, does your wife know how much pornography you've been watching? Many women don't take kindly to their husbands indulging in pornography without their knowledge. I bring this up not to criticize you, but to bring home the next point...honesty.

 

Swinging requires honesty between the husband and wife. There must be open communication, and the freedom to discuss anything.

 

The best 'tactic' to interest your wife in swinging isn't pornography. Just talk with her. "Hun, a while back you made what I thought might be hints at engaging in some risque activity in sex. It sounds interesting to me. I'd like to talk with you about that. " and go from there. She might be caught off guard, and say something like "What did you think I meant?", and you could follow up with "Well, you said XYZ and I thought that might mean your interested in the fantasy and maybe the possibility of us having some fun with other people, together". Etc. etc.

 

You can come up with any 'tactic' you like, but the bottom line is eventually you have to cross the bridge and speak of it openly. Whether you're using porno to do that or not is really irrelevant.

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...I would offer up my most prized possession in the world so I can bust a bigger nut.

 

Umm...if you're referring to your wife and marriage as a possession (prized or not), I don't think you have reached a point where you can respectfully or successfully engage in swinging.

 

Good luck.

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Porn is not the answer at all, it's communicating with your wife or SO. We are not posessions of the other and neither is our marriage, matter of fact she likes porn as much as i do....lol and she even puts on lil shows for me. Even so it all goes back to communication between us so you just need to talk and listen to her........just my opinion though.

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Porn had nothing to do with us getting into the LS. We got to the point where we comfortable to talk about anything and not worry about the others reaction.

 

She brought up the idea to me in fact. We had talked about fantasies for years, but she was never interested in making them real. Then one day out of the blue she told me she wanted to try some new things. It had been many moths since we had talked fantasy in our bedroom, so I knew the subject coming up was not induced by our play time. If it had been associated with play time, I am not sure I would have believed it was anything more than another play fantasy. This is important, because if you are just using it to replace porn then you will likely have problems.

 

Porn just does not get me as excited as it used too, I think having real life fantasies come true makes porn seem.....we less....something. I watch it less, she may watch it more, but mostly to see what new things we can try out. :)

 

Make sure you understand all the aspects of getting into the LS, there are pitfalls as well as the good times.

 

Bottom line, you need to be in a place that you are not afraid to talk to your wife about anything and vice versa. You both to be in a place where you feel comfortable saying anything and know the other will listen and not over react. You need a solid relationship that can survive anything. If you get there, then having a conversation about the LS should be much easier.

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Porn got us into the lifestyle in a way. My husband was searching for porn online (which I was aware of and his viewing is not excessive) He found some amateur swinging porn and then was telling me about it and the swinglifestyle.com site. I never even knew such a thing as swinging existed in real life! We talked a lot and I read the swingersboard and everything else I could about swinging and we decided together to go for it.

 

Basically porn made us aware, but my husband did not try to get me interested by showing it to me. We talked a lot logically and made the choice that way. We already could talk about anything so he didn't have to try to manipulate me in any way to bring it up.

 

So, in a way porn was the answer for us, but I've still never seen swinging porn. The real thing interests me much more!

 

Good luck to you. I hope you enjoy all the great conversations you'll have together!

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Porn didn't do it to us either. My hubby leaving up SLS in on our computer and me finding this site got us into the lifestyle. Let's just say I was uber pissed as he didn't chat with me about SLS until I asked him straight out two weeks later what the heck he was up to. This board really educated me and it helped me think otherwise of my hubby. I was doing some massive crying until this site and coming straight out and chatting to him about it. He just had no clue on how to bring it up to me. Looking back, he knows now we just should have chatted about it.

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I have been pondering the "how to's " of approaching my wife to explore swinging. I have read nearly every post in every forum concerning the subject. I have researched this subject to exhaustion.

 

... I noticed a very common thread in the posts that give advice about swinging. Pornography.

Really, pornography?

 

I wonder what forums you've been reading?

 

Pornography is rarely talked about here as THE inroad to swinging. There is so much more to swinging than watching porn.

 

Please register so you can continue to post in your thread. I'd like to hear more from you.

 

LM

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We have found that porn in spite of the obvious titillaton,transmits other information about other people's sexual behavior.Anyone who is interested can then use other sources to pursue one's own interests.

 

Obviously I am not asserting that porn provides the best info about swinging but many ideas are mentioned in the dialogue which is a stepping stone for further enquiry.

 

Like many aspects in life,there is more than one route to a destination.

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This is Petra. Porn is not the answer. The best aproach is to ask your wife to describe to you her past sexual experiences that she enjoyed and who she fantasizes about now. That does two things: it shows her it is about her, not you, and that you are OK about her having sex with others. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you put her desires for what, when, who, how, etc. first and not push your agenda. Good luck.

 

 

P.S. Porn plays a very minor role in our sex lives. We enjoy it sometimes, but it is not essential.

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My wife didn't start to enjoy porn until after we were in the lifestyle and it was more of a way to get get past the tedium and stress of a long work day, very quickly so we could be close at the end of the day.

 

My wife really bridged the discussions...not so much about swinging but about the fact that she missed the lustful feelings of when we first got together. Those emotional highs you get when you are with someone new. I was the one that researched swinging and then over the course of TWO years of discussions we decided the time had come that we had done enough talking and took action.

 

I agree with bbarnsworth that your tone in your message really makes it sound like you are way too much into it.

 

Swinging isn't very often like porn...okay, so there are those occasional times but the majority of porn is geared towards men and it's rough and aggressive with an extra scoop of testosterone. A lot of men would be pretty pissed if you treated their wives that way.

 

Separate the fantasy from reality when you are considering this and if she does decide to go along then you better be prepared that there is a good chance that she will dig it much more than you. That you can read in some of these threads in this forum...many women adapt and take to the lifestyle much more easily than men.

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My wife didn't start to enjoy porn until after we were in the lifestyle and it was more of a way to get get past the tedium and stress of a long work day, very quickly so we could be close at the end of the day.

 

My wife really bridged the discussions...not so much about swinging but about the fact that she missed the lustful feelings of when we first got together. Those emotional highs you get when you are with someone new. I was the one that researched swinging and then over the course of TWO years of discussions we decided the time had come that we had done enough talking and took action.

 

I agree with bbarnsworth that your tone in your message really makes it sound like you are way too much into it.

 

Swinging isn't very often like porn...okay, so there are those occasional times but the majority of porn is geared towards men and it's rough and aggressive with an extra scoop of testosterone. A lot of men would be pretty pissed if you treated their wives that way.

 

Separate the fantasy from reality when you are considering this and if she does decide to go along then you better be prepared that there is a good chance that she will dig it much more than you. That you can read in some of these threads in this forum...many women adapt and take to the lifestyle much more easily than men.

 

well said

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Interesting topic.

 

My first inclination is to say this...just ask her straight up she's ever thought about it and don't be afraid to say you've had fantasies. Start the dialog honestly, if you and your wife are meant to do this, I suspect that talking about it will lead you in the right direction. Even if she expresses little interest immediately, it may plant a seed that will grow, but you will have planted it in an honest way - you are just expressing a fantasy and having a discussion

 

OK, easier said than done. I think a seed might have been planted in BOTH of our minds by Shortbus. Actually, Mrs.S and I were just having a laugh about this tonight. We saw Shortbus on maybe our third day and had no idea going in that it would be as graphic as it is. No wonder we ended up swinging. We talked a lot about the film, and from time to time, we would talk a little about swinging or threesomes. I wasn't even sure I wanted to do it, but eventually (over three years) later, I brought up going to a party. After our first experience, I didn't even mention going to another until she brought it up. That way, I knew we were totally in it together.

 

If you want to use a film/movie to help bring up the topic, why not try a movie like Shortbus or even Secretary. There are some interesting french films, too. Those would naturally lead to discussion of alternative sexual practice in a manner that I think will be much more well received by a woman.

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Years ago we went to see the movie, Your Friends and Neighbors with our new next door neighbors. I don't know who suggested it, but we were all a little taken aback. It did not lead to any swinging at that time, but a lot of laughs after.

 

It's a pretty dark look at six people all having relationships with each other, and none too happy.

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I really must ask what forums you've been reading, because porn in and of itself isn't really going to get anyone to convince their spouse to swing. It can serve as a springboard for discussion, but it is the discussions (note that I deliberately used the plural form, there) that will ultimately guide you and your spouse into the lifestyle.

 

Does your wife even watch porn with you, or is this little obsession all yours? If it is, you may need to deal with that issue first.

 

IF, however, you do share it with her and she enjoys it, or certain aspects of it, then simply ask her what she thinks about certain scenes. Does she like the group sex scenes, or the girl-girl stuff more? What would she think about trying something she saw in the movie? What kind of fantasies does she have that you might see in a porno film?

 

Make sure any questions you ask are open-ended, so that she has to give more than an one-word answer. It's good practice for both of you to begin communicating openly about your thoughts, feelings, and desires. Be prepared to accept her answers and help her feel safe talking to you, regardless of what she says. She may not have any interest in porn, or in doing anything more risque'. If that's the case, you'll need to learn to be okay with that.

 

For what it's worth, I tend to find porn more amusing than anything (bad acting and silly dialogue), but it does trigger fantasies. That brings up another important point. Porn is not real, and it's not often that real life sex is like that--even swinging sex. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's not. The same can be said for fantasy. Even if your wife does fantasize about trying new things sexually, that doesn't mean she's necessarily ready to take the steps to make that fantasy happen. It takes a LOT of communication, patience, and RESPECT for your partner for that to happen.

 

Best of luck to you,

 

=)

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