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I was wondering; given most swingers do not delve too much into the poly world due to the emotional attachments, are there any couples that might be interested in a light polyfidelity relationship? What I mean by light-polyfidelity-swinging, is where two or more couples agree to be sexual with only those in the group. The ideal group would consist of 5 to 8 couples. There would be no expectation of love, only friendship. The goal would be to provide a safe, comfortable environment where all persons could be completely open and free to live out their fantasies. That would be the other goal; for each person in the group to be able to have any fantasy brought into reality. I know ours are elaborate with lots of role play. WE could only imagine trusting very close friends in order to have these. Another reason for this type of group would be for new swingers that have not had an experience. You could slowly get to a level where you could lift your boundaries and feel comfortable. After you have overcome your fears and gained some experience, you could then go about a normal swinger existence.

 

OK, so is this idea crazy???

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We wanted to set something up like that.

 

With multiple couples and different personalities, such situations are going to be hard to find. We tried, we gave up.

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Nope, you're not crazy. It's almost exactly the kind of arrangement we would want ourselves. Enough people that there's lots of excitement and variety, but it's a smallish group that enjoys taking the time to form real lasting friendships.

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The situation you described would be great...but it's so hard to find four people that mesh...I can't imagine trying to find five other couples! It would be nice not to have to worry about meeting new people, the first time jitters...and the level of trust..wow. Has anyone been successful in setting up a little group like this? And if so, how easy/hard was it?

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This would be my ideal setup for experiencing the lifestyle thing. The funny part is, it's really almost natural when you think about it from the vanilla or single prospective. When my wife and I had our first experience, it was this couple that we had been chatting with for some time. The weekend after the first play session, the other couple was supposed to attend a swinger party, and my wife and I were like, hmmm ewww. It's not like we were emotionally possessive or anything. We just didn't like the idea of them being with who knows, then being with us the next weekend. You start thinking about STDs and who the other couple(s) they were gonna be with were with before them. My wife and I got into this for fantasy fulfillment, not variety, so a situation that would allow all to feel comfortable to have fun sounds good. The reason we thought multiple couples is due to the schedules of everyone. You might be able to get everyone together once every six months or so, but with so many there should always be at least two couples free at any given time. Or at least you increase the chances!

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We wanted to set something up like that.

 

With multiple couples and different personalities, such situations are going to be hard to find. We tried, we gave up.

 

While we have never intentionally tried to set this up we have had it happen a few times but never for long, the reason being that in any group you have issues that pop up, divorce, moving, children etc... and any one of these can either break the group apart or cause it to move in a different direction. The last time we had a situation like this it was 2 of the couples having children the babies took 2 of 5 couples out of the mix for an extended time and the sex just stopped we still get together for family gatherings but we just don't have time for more.

 

If you really want to find this kind of group the way we have had it happen is by going to the club parties, you will find at any club there are different groups formed naturally and this is exactly how it happened for us. This loose group of friends tend to get together away from the club and things will take there course. While we have never intentionally formed a group, by asking the people that we have a connection with to dinner or out for the night it just happens.

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Thanks for all the replies! So far I have seen two basic categories in the LS, one is for variety, and the other is for friendships and fantasy. In the friendship crowd, I wonder how many people would actually find something like this acceptable. Would this even be called anything poly? It seems on other boards, even uttering the word poly will get you a dead thread in a sec. However, the more people I meet that are looking for close friends with benefits, the more I think this setup would be the way to go. Hmmmm. Ok, that's it for now! Thanks!

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Would this even be called anything poly? It seems on other boards, even uttering the word poly will get you a dead thread in a sec.

 

Sounds like a great idea, I'm not sure you could call it poly though.

 

We have experienced something close but it was not so closed and jealousy crept into the pot. Some didn't play outside of the group while others said they weren't but were. We didn't even realize we had made any such commitment. Once again open honesty wins best.

 

It all eventually lost momentum and the whole group, bar two of the couples, went different ways. I believe the only couples that actually stayed together did actually live together in the same house.

 

I have a five bedroom house if there are four other couples interested in giving it a go. It would be an interesting experiment.

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I don't think it would be "poly" but more of a trust thing. I think of poly relationships as those who are in love with each other. I'd like to be friends with who we play with, but I certainly don't want to be in love with anyone else and have all that to deal with. I'm VERY happy being VERY emotionally committed to one person.

 

The "circle of friends" to me would provide a safe group to play with, a level of respect from all participating members, the ability to do threesomes with members of the couples because of the trust factor, and frankly, give us time back from meeting new folks. Don't get me wrong -- I enjoy it. But it's very TIME consuming to update profiles, send emails, and spend hours chatting with folks to determine compatibility.

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Sounds like this idea is very popular, I think we as a couple would be more comfortable with this than any club/group setting. Is natural to some feelings towards people that sleep together, nothing wrong with this.

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Wow, thank you everyone for the responses! You don't know how much it means to have others feel as you. Now, if ya'll all lived in or around Houston, Texas... :)

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Poly people often draft and commit to a written agreement called a condom compact, where everyone who is in the group gets tested for STDs, then tested against after six months. If all is clear, then they are no longer required to use condoms when being sexual with others in the group. These agreements can be very specific as to what is OK to do outside the group and what isn't OK. Naturally, there are no guarantees, and everyone involved must pledge quite seriously to honor the agreement, but this system seems to work and work well for polys who are in intimate networks. There's no substitute for getting to know your potential partners well and getting a sense of their personal integrity before having unprotected sex with them.

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That is what we came up with after trying clubs in a large metro area.

 

Three to six couples, with a new one added and one dropping out now and then because of life changes, moves, etc.

 

We want to avoid condoms, know each others health history, trust each other, etc.

 

Meet every two months for fun and adventure.

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You don't know how much it means to have others feel as you. Now, if ya'll all lived in or around Houston, Texas... :)

 

WE LIVE IN HOUSTON, well south Houston ::P:

 

My husband and I have often discussed how wonderful an arrangement like this would be. We put so much time into screening, chatting and meeting before we consider swinging with a couple or single, it would be nice to have a group of friends which everyone is comfortable with to have regular outings or get-togethers. I would have no problem letting my husband play with a group such as this, if I did not feel like it (horrors!!) or was out of town. I guess we all can continue to dream. ;)

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He-he! Are you guys on CT? There are many reasons I see this is a great way to swing. I must admit though, the biggest reason for me (yes, just me) is that I was never with many women prior to being married. I was the nice guy, best friend, geeky Band Freak! back in HS. By the time I was an adult; the influence of my women friends made it difficult to engage in casual sex. Yes, that sucked! I had this anti-macho-guy syndrome that made me become friends with women before I would even date them!

 

Now, I find myself in the Lifestyle where casual sex is the goal?!? WTF? I used to joke to my friends (about not trying to pickup every chick I met) that I really wanted to keep the amount of girls that saw me naked down to a minimum. Ya know, just in case all of them and myself were ever in the same room together. Funny, cause that actually happened right after I met my wife. That would be the problem with being friends before and after you date someone. At some point all of your friends (X-girlfriends) might actually meet you out, at the same place. Now, in the LS this would be a very good thing, but in the vanilla world...

 

So, bottom line; I still have not been with a large number of girls and I still don't like the idea of meeting someone, bedding them and moving on.

 

To us, it's more about the fantasy and less about the variety.

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We'd love this too. Let us know if you figure it out ... ;)

Ditto.

 

I think you can certainly find five fully compatible couples (amiability and personality-wise), but where you will find them is a totally different issue. One may be on the West Coast, another in New England, another in the Great Lakes Region, and one living outside the country altogether.

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I know this idea really takes some of the vanilla rules such as friends first, commitment and loyalty, and tries to make them apply in the LS. I think as more people become aware of the LS and are open to it, there will be more of an opportunity to have something like this. Most people can only fantasize about being lost in a group of 4 or more. I know I used to, but given my life experience, it is not realistic for me at 39 yrs to take the risks of having ever-changing partners. I love the idea of being able to please two women at the same time, or the reverse. Even being with someone else while in my wife is with the others partner sounds great. I just want to be able to remember the people I am with. I can't imagine being with sooo many that I can't recall the individual stories or events. Not to mention having friends where you can help each person live out a fantasy? Too fun!

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It seems everyone is talking about a light-poly-swing (LPS) situation as a couple. My wife and I have discussed the possibility of LPS relationships but with her having her friends/lovers and me having mine. Trying to get two couples that all find the the others spouse attractive is difficult. Trying with more couples is even more difficult. I think having individual LPS relationships would be easier.

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At one time we discussed doing this. We also came close to it. The problem is a few people become the "desirable ones" or most liked etc. Then problems come up.

Sickness/distance/that time of the month/kids/personalities and many other things also come into play. It's hard to line up four personalities let alone more than that.

 

It's a really fun idea, but is very hard to bring into reality.

 

Good luck, MRG

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Wow, although a lot of people seem to like the idea, few think it could work. The roadblocks I thought I would find such as, couples that want close friends with benefits, but don't want to limit themselves, or couples that just want as many different couples as possible have not been as prevalent a problem. The biggest issue seems to be finding 4 people that are all equally attracted to each other. That one really sucks! My wife and I want to do this together, not one taking one for the team. My wife is very attractive, both inside and out. One of my fears is us getting with a couple and the wife is just "willing" to play with me because she and her SO like my wife. I have always had a hangup on feeling attractive to the opposite sex. I have been told many times that I am, but if I do not feel like the other side is interested, then I will not play. Jeez, it's like I'm single again.

 

Oops, sorry for the rant there!

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We kind of did a year or so ago, but nobody in the group was bound to stay inside the group. But we all became great friends and had allot of great sex together. One couple moved away, but the rest remain, and if all goes well we'll be seeing them tomorrow night.

 

Mr. WS

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UPDATE!!! There's a couple we've known for ten years. They are our age, kids are same age, etc.. We had always been close friends, except for the last year where we kinda drifted away. We began the LS research and they were doing they're thing. Every time I would go to their house for the kids to visit, the female half of our friends would drop little hints; like she knew there was something going on... It would scare the crap out of me every time, until one day I spilled.

 

They didn't judge us, they supported us, even showing an interest in the whole subject area. Like in this thread we told them what our real goal was. We still had not really played with anyone. Well, what do ya know it's now about three months later and we (both couples) are becoming a poly foursome. Coming together sexually was the most natural thing any of us have experienced. We all four have personal issues like any person does, but WOW!!! It is incredible. I can honestly say; we love the two of them as our best friends and now lovers. It's not the same as I feel for my wife, but it is a deep relationship that has many aspects of normal relationships.

 

Thank you guys for all the comments.

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We would love the same thing, but it does seem very hard to do. We were very fortunate in meeting another couple that we really clicked with straight out of the gate, but that level of intimacy and trust is hard to find in 2 people, let alone ten.

 

We're calling it a work in progress.

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When we got into this a year ago; our feeling was to try and meet a couple to form a tight friendship. We wanted to make the play exclusive for both physical and emotional safety. Up until recently however, we had all but dropped the exclusive part as for most "swingers" it's not about more people all at once, but more and different partners as you go.

 

Even when our long time friends found out what we had been investigating and then were interested in the same things; we still did not think of playing with them. I guess it's a huge risk we are all taking by playing together when we have been so very close for so long. I worry if it were to ever end if we would all still be friends. Ya know, like in the vanilla world; when you are sleeping with someone can you really ever go backwards?

 

I will say however, right now it's unbelievable!!! I could only imagen how much fun and how comfortable we all are. The whole sexual part seems so natural that we are all shocked at how normal it all feels. From the lack of any jealousy to the ability to crack jokes while in play; it's just like we have been together doing it for years.

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He-he! Are you guys on CT? There are many reasons I see this is a great way to swing. I must admit though, the biggest reason for me (yes, just me) is that I was never with many women prior to being married. I was the nice guy, best friend, geeky Band Freak! back in HS. By the time I was an adult; the influence of my women friends made it difficult to engage in casual sex. Yes, that sucked! I had this anti-macho-guy syndrome that made me become friends with women before I would even date them!

 

Now, I find myself in the Lifestyle where casual sex is the goal?!? WTF? I used to joke to my friends (about not trying to pickup every chick I met) that I really wanted to keep the amount of girls that saw me naked down to a minimum. Ya know, just incase all of them and myself were ever in the same room together. Funny, cause that actually happened right after I met my wife. That would be the problem with being friends before and after you date someone. At some point all of your friends (X-girlfriends) might actually meet you out, at the same place. Now, in the LS this would be a very good thing, but in the vanilla world...

 

So, bottom line; I still have not been with a large number of girls and I still don't like the idea of meeting someone, bedding them and moving on.

 

To us, it's more about the fantasy and less about the variety.

 

We're in CT LOL! You sound exactly like my husband- personality, attitude, everything. We're softswap, I'm bi and have found parties just haven't been our thing. No one has hit us in a more cerebral way and I seem to get hit on by lots of men (which is fine, but obviously a fullswap couple where the woman is strait isn't our best match), but we're looking for a more female-focused experience. My husband says it's difficult for him to feel good about himself if our experience isn't with people we can connect with on another level. In other words, if they wouldn't be the kind of people we'd consider dating if single, it feels like we're just using them and that's just not us. Maybe that's "amateurish" of us, but it's a comfort level we seem to need. Him even more so than me.

 

I've had a lot more luck on sites just emailing then talking to other married women in the same boat as me and making the arrangements.

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Just a few quick thoughts:

 

I'm not one for strict definitions, but usually "poly" is short for "polyamorous", meaning there is love involved. What the OP and others have described, a group of friends who trust each other and are very comfortable, doesn't sound like it gets to the poly level of feeling. Just my little nitpick for the evening. No offense meant.

 

I agree that something like this group arrangement would be difficult to achieve, at least on purpose. The best I think any one couple can do is introduce their playmates to each other, having discussed the possibility of having this kind of arrangement, and hope they like each other. We can also ask to meet the friends of our friends.

 

If a group does get going, I think it's best not to require folks to stay "committed" to the group. I anticipate that would be just asking for trouble. Another poster mentioned that in their group, at least one couple committed to the group and then "cheated" on them. I think people should just be honest with each other. We can't stop people from doing what they're going to do; we should just make our decisions about who we ultimately want to be with and who we don't, based on their behavior and mutual attraction.

 

If there are more than three couples involved, it's natural that some people will want to play in certain combinations more than others. (Actually, if there are more than two people involved, that probably holds :) ) Some people will just have chemistry with some group members and not others. As long as there's not a huge inequality involved, and no one is getting shunted aside, I think it's best not to keep score.

 

Expect that little jealousies will emerge. When we introduce our friends to others, I am always concerned that they'll like each other more than they do us, and then we'll be standing there watching while we lose them both. It's natural for people to be very excited about "the new kid in town". I've been jealous before. When I've overcome these feelings, the key has been feeling secure that my playmates will still want to be with me.

 

I can't say we've developed a group yet, but maybe in the future. I think if we were too focused on that, we'd be setting ourselves up for disappointment.

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If you had asked me prior to our current situation; I would have agreed about the validity of using the word "poly" to describe the aspect of a friendship-only based relationship. Now however, I do feel that poly-fidelity is an accurate description. We truly love this couple we have known for a long time. We love them as friends plus. This was true prior to any sexuality between us. Would I consider my feelings for the female the same as for my wife? Not at all, and maybe that is why I wouldn't call it full blown polyamory. I do think however, there is an understanding that is developing between us four that sets the stage for what is truly shared between the group and what is for spouses only. The interesting part will be how far this actually goes. Everyone involved is intelligent, rational, and already open to the others criticisms. It's hard to find folks who that honest with themselves in the vanilla world. That, I guess, is the one variable that makes it difficult to predict the final outcome. I could see where this could become something that would allow for an almost communal type of arrangement, while both couples would still retain the individuality of their relationship.

 

I do know that having four type A personalities is a recipe for both incredible fun and disasters.. :lol:

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The ideal group would consist of 5 to 8 couples. There would be no expectation of love, only friendship. The goal would be to provide a safe, comfortable environment where all persons could be completely open and free to live out their fantasies.

 

We currently have a small group of friends that are developing naturally into something that fits this description. We are currently at 5 couples. We do, however, use condoms. All of us have several things in common, including being mid-30's and up, and all non-smokers. We all get along great, personality fits all around. We even travel out of town together as a group to visit clubs.

 

...couples agree to be sexual with only those in the group.

 

This isn't part of the deal in our group, and we wouldn't want it to be. We like the freedom of being "allowed" to let things develop naturally should we meet a great couple somewhere. We wouldn't want to feel obligated or committed to anybody else but each other. The couples are all free to meet whomever else they want to, and the group is open to grow.

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We have decided this, well something similar, is where we are headed. "Poly" from that standpoint...not interested in other "lovers" just friendships where the play is exclusive to the friends within that circle of friendships.

 

Any others in or around Colorado interested in exploring such a group...even if it is only ONE other couple, let us know.

 

Interesting comments, thank you all for sharing.

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To the OP, no you are not crazy! The benefits of such an arrangement would be wonderful! My only concern would be getting multiple people to agree to particular rules or expectations, but it is possible to reach an agreement.

 

 

 

Poly people often draft and commit to a written agreement called a condom compact, where everyone who is in the group gets tested for STDs, then tested against after six months. If all is clear, then they are no longer required to use condoms when being sexual with others in the group. These agreements can be very specific as to what is OK to do outside the group and what isn't OK. Naturally, there are no guarantees, and everyone involved must pledge quite seriously to honor the agreement, but this system seems to work and work well for polys who are in intimate networks. There's no substitute for getting to know your potential partners well and getting a sense of their personal integrity before having unprotected sex with them.

 

imapolygirl, where would I have to live to get involved with such a wonderful group?

 

Second, is the term for that situation that you described called "fluid bonding"?

 

It appears to me that whether or not the group as a whole desires polyamory could be discussed beforehand. If the group does not want to invite any emotions beyond friendly caring and affirmation, then the group would be just a swinging-fidelity group. Poly is negotiable. Nevertheless, we again seem to run into a discussion about that blurred line when it comes to swinging and building close friendships.

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When we first started into the life-style, that is what we were looking for. As many has said here, it is just too hard to keep together. We were in a group like this and none of the women could get pregnant so the men started to want to have sex without condoms. No not for us :nono: We were a group of 4 couples, so eight of us. We hung out at the same house party. We all still hang at the house party, we still speak, but we don't have sex with one another. Dunno why, but I don't see them the same way anymore. My fiance just said it's because they were out of their minds for suggesting such a thing. Maybe that's why. We are talking over a year ago though. If it was to happen again, we would handle it diffently.

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so the men started to want to have sex without condoms. No not for us :nono:

 

I must totally agree and understand. Up until this relationship began, my wife and I even debated on whether to use condoms during oral play.

 

The couple we are with, we have been close friends with for almost 10 years. We introduced them to the lifestyle and neither they nor us have ever played with any other couples.

 

Also, we have changed our original goal of more couples. We both realize that if were not for these long time friends, (friends before sex at that) we would not have this type of relationship with additional partners. This is one of those things where we got exactly what we wanted in a couple to play with, but it was only because of who the couple was / is. It would be very hard to meet new people and form a bond that could sustain such a relationship. Really, when you think about it; the best romantic relationships are where people start out as friends. Let the friendship develop, then maybe get physical, if that is mutually desired. As married adults, I think it would be difficult to put aside the sex in favor of building a friendship first.

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We've known a couple of groupls like the one you pursue. One of them even goes to the Club, socialize with everyone but plays mostly with other group members.

 

However, I cannot claim those groups were planned, on purpose, setting the goals you mention.

 

We're poly-friendly and we had poly relationships. Both of them started as "friendships" where all the incolver people knew there was a chance for the sexual stuff, but we didn't pursue to have sex at first. Much like "if we were about to have sex, then we won't be able to get laid", so the anxiety for the sex stuff wasn't there, or at least it was somehow... controlled.

 

But as we got confortable with the whole swinging scenario at the Clubs, we stop prettending to be firends first... and anyway we developed several good friendships and we have playmates we have sex with often, much like a preference, where the confort level and the developed confidence has a lot to do.

 

The question is, wheter you can develop a friendship with the swinging goal in sight, and I believe this is really hard. Not impossible, but it requires a lot of energy and patience, and now, when I look back to those times, I believe it would have been easiest to apply just a fraction of that energy and patience on get confortable enough as to have sex with not so known people.

 

So, if you have other concerns like safety or privacy issues, the idea seems fine enough, but as a tool to be able to get confortable, it doesn't.

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We had been friendly with a couple for 20 years and never thought about each other sexually. Then once on vacation we decided to try having sex in the same room, each with their own spouse just for fun. That led to swapping partners on the same occasion. After that we had many foursomes, and even threesomes when one member could not be present. His wife once had to go away on an extended trip for a month, and every weekend he slept with us in our bed.

 

Us and them also started swinging with other couples, but there were long phases when just us two couples would be getting together. It was poly-like in that we had feelings for the other spouse and sometimes even just paired off separately with the other spouse. His wife and I share some interests, and my wife and him share some other interests, so we pair off like that sometimes. And so our relationship continues till now.

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Thats very interesting. We know a couple that recently did that...all 4 click famously...well, so famously that they switched partners. The one hubby now lives with the other's wife, and so on for the other 2. I was honestly shocked when he told me this, but they all seem extremely happy, so I'm happy for them!

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What I find interesting about our situation is the "poly" part. If you read my original post, you will see there was a definite limit on the relationship factor. Our original intent was to create an environment for safe and trusting play, no more. When our long time friends became our first couple to play with, it has turned into more than what we thought would. This is not a bad thing at all, so far. It is however, a little unnerving as all four of us are sorta just letting things develop. There is love, friendship, mutual attraction, but we all have not sat down and said; "ok, we all love each other and are committed to seeing where this all leads". It is unsaid and just beneath the surface, but unsaid none the less. Really aside from my wife and I, I am not sure if they (other couple) have even heard of polyamory and the various types and such. Both of them are very intelligent so it would not surprise me to find they are right where we are. I guess it's like when ya are first dating someone and you both know ya'll love each other, but have yet to have "the talk".

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      I feel like my husband has opened a door that I want to walk into. Am I reading it wrong? Is it best for me to just set something else up and let it work itself the way it will? Based on our interactions I have no doubt the photographer would be into it also. Would I be going to far given our relationship if I reached out to the him and told him how I feel, how my husband feels, and confirm he’d say yes? 
       
       
    • By uran_690101
      My wife and I are contemplating swinging. I really enjoy performing anilingus and cunilingus on my wife, and I would be willing to do both on other women. I am wondering if these practices are accepted within the swinging lifestyle.
    • By northviking1992
      My wife isn't into oral in general, she'd rather use her hand or feet. Would her not performing oral or no wanting oral on herself an issue for getting into the LS community? 
    • By couplers
      Hi this is Petra, member of a three-woman, two-guy closed poly family. I am a long-time member of the Swingersboard, so if you want more background, you can look at previous posts. We are all now in our thirties and have found that while it used to be that the two guys could adequately take care of us three women, that is shifting. The guys have slacked off a little, while the women's desire for sex has increased. While it helps that we girls are bisexual and can help each other, we also seem to need (or at least want) more frequent sex with the guys. Penis-in-vagina intercourse is what we girls want, and the three of us women cum relatively easily, so a quick screw is satisfying.
       
      Anyone else facing a similar situation? The way we have primarily addressed this is by making one of our guys service two girls, her cumming while he holds back, then taking care of the second. Any thoughts?
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