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What would you consider regular?

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We seem to have hit it off great with the first guy we met. Wrote him a thank you email the next morning and we've discussed getting together again. We would very much like him to be a regular part of our experiences. But we are wondering at this point, if there is someone you see regularly, how often is that? We don't want to come on too strongly or seem pushy or anything, but we don't want to seem disinterested at the same time. Also, he's someone who likes the idea of FWB which in his case is fine with us, but where do you draw the line between sending friendly emails to check in and IM'ing as coming off as obsessed? With the IM I usually wait for the guy to initiate the conversation unless I have something we might need to discuss, but again I don't want to seem disinterested.

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There could be a lot of answers for this question, and probably many correct answers. The easiest thing you could do is just talk to him, find out what he wants, tell him what you want, figure out how its going to work. If you communicate openly you don't have to spend so much time guessing what the other person wants or thinks.

 

For us, regular means at least monthly, which I tell guys the very first time we chat. We mainly keep in contact only when it involves getting together, so I don't have a lot of input on the IM'ing in between get togethers, or the "friends" part of FWB. Mostly focus on the "benefits".

 

Nick

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I really think it's what you two want that's most important. You're the couple who is allowing him to share your fantasy. He's the lucky guest.

 

It's nice that you both like him but never think that he's doing you a favor.

 

The only thing I can see wrong with frequent communications with him would be in his becoming too much of a part of your marriage. But it's really just what all three of you enjoy, desire, and feel comfortable with. All three of you, separately, might just write down your expectations and desires and then compare notes and set the rules.

 

And, btw..., it's good that you found a great 'third' on your first try. Too often it isn't so nice of a first and can really make folks hesitant to try again.

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We seem to have hit it off great with the first guy we met.
Have you met him only once? Did you have sex with him on that first meet?

 

I ask because you didn't make that clear.

 

And are you asking how regular (often) most people play with the same person, or how often swingers communicate with each other?

 

LM

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Regular is variable depending on you and the other guy. This is true for vanilla couples, and its true for swinging arrangements too.

 

Obviously you wouldn't want to overwhelm him and say "I [wife] want to have sex with you at least 5-6 times a week, and I want you to only have sex with me, no one else, and you need to be available whenever I call". Obviously underwhelming him isn't a great idea either; "I really like you, let's have sex again next year!" :) Somewhere in between is the balance. There is no 'right' answer or standard 'regular' frequency within the swinging community.

 

What that balance is gets worked out as you go. Expectations and desires can change too as you get more comfortable.

 

Related story; we had one single guy who at first pass was interesting. Things went south in a hurry when he insisted he'd have to have sex with my wife at least 5-6 times a month for him to even begin to be interested. When we told him that wasn't going to happen, he decided to inform us that we were not real swingers. Thankfully we never actually met him. I wouldn't be averse to another guy having sex with my wife that often, and neither would my wife if she really liked him. But, to come on that hard, that fast, and essentially insult us? Thanks for saving us the time we would have spent meeting you. Goodbye. :)

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Yes, what is "regular" all depends on your schedules, his schedule, and how well you guys get along.

 

My wife and I both have someone who we could call a "regular", even though the frequency of our contacts is more feast or famine. We look at it as a desire, do you desire to have this person be around more often? Or how often would you want to spend time with them?

 

For us that works out to about 3-4 times/month. Maybe a few times one week every so often, or maybe twice one week and none the next, just depends.

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I think it was a nice touch that you sent an e-mail thanking him. I hope he responded with equal gratitude. I think any communications should come as being from both you and your hubby, unless your intent is to also play alone with him. Bob and I have a few regular guys we get together with as well as a few regular couples. We all enjoy each others company in and out of the bedroom. One of the guys actually plays golf with Bob from time to time, and I also will meet them for a glass of wine and even dinner with and without Bob if he's traveling.

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Have you met him only once? Did you have sex with him on that first meet?

 

I ask because you didn't make that clear.

 

And are you asking how regular (often) most people play with the same person, or how often swingers communicate with each other?

 

LM

 

We have met him only once and yes things went well enough that we comfortable having sex on the first meet.

 

And I'm asking both, how often do people here play with the same person, and how often do you keep up communication with that person.

 

bbarnsworth, I can't believe he had the nerve to talk to you like that. As soon as a guy made that kind of demand of us, he'd be gone. We're in this for us, not anyone else. Not that we don't care about the guys and recognize their feelings as well, but we are the ones inviting them to participate and they should be mindful of that.

 

We had been chatting a little and set up another meet with him and he had wanted to have his gf join us which was going to be fine. Then they had a little fight so she cancelled, and we decided it was best for the time to go ahead and reschedule at a later time so he could work on things with her. That was this past Saturday. Do you think giving him a week and emailing this Saturday to keep in touch and offer a new time would be ok? I'm thinking we'd like to see him at least once a month. He's a little far away for anything more regular than that. I guess I'll address it more in the next email I send.

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It doesn't really matter what any of us consider as "regular". You have to do what works best for ya'll. But you need to make it clear to him what you're looking for, then work that out with his schedule/interest level.

 

I'm glad to hear ya'll had such great luck on your first try, and that you're able to sort things out to your satisfaction.

=)

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We have met him only once and yes things went well enough that we comfortable having sex on the first meet.

 

And I'm asking both, how often do people here play with the same person, and how often do you keep up communication with that person.

 

Can't say, as what little we have had in repeat territory has been limited. Within that, it's been quite variable.

 

bbarnsworth' date=' I can't believe he had the nerve to talk to you like that. As soon as a guy made that kind of demand of us, he'd be gone. We're in this for us, not anyone else. Not that we don't care about the guys and recognize their feelings as well, but we are the ones inviting them to participate and they should be mindful of that.[/quote']

 

My wife and I are looking for a 'regular' single guy for her. We've been looking for quite some time now. In our discussions regarding this, we recognize that such a 'regular' is going to have sexual needs that he would likely hope to have fulfilled by my wife. So, at times there may be times when she is going off to play with him when she's not really in the mood to do that. We both figure that's ok, so long as she's willing and available. If she only played with him when they were both horny, they might not play very often at all!

 

I remember reading from a woman who posted here who had a regular. She noted that at times it took a fair bit of work. You're seeing to the sexual needs of another person in addition to your husband. Yes, it's about _you_, but in order to get what _you_ want, some effort has to go into making sure that you keep the regular interested, happy, and content. Not sure if that makes sense :)

 

We had been chatting a little and set up another meet with him and he had wanted to have his gf join us which was going to be fine. Then they had a little fight so she cancelled' date=' and we decided it was best for the time to go ahead and reschedule at a later time so he could work on things with her. That was this past Saturday. Do you think giving him a week and emailing this Saturday to keep in touch and offer a new time would be ok? I'm thinking we'd like to see him at least once a month. He's a little far away for anything more regular than that. I guess I'll address it more in the next email I send.[/quote']

 

I'd be concerned about the fight he had with his girlfriend. For my wife and I, we tend to shy away from couples that aren't married, and we absolutely will not play with a guy who is playing with permission unless we can verify permission from the other woman...in person. The girlfriend doesn't have 'rights' to this guy per se, but she more than likely has expectations of his fidelity. I'd make sure that she is aware and approves of her boyfriend playing with you.

 

As to your plan to e-mail this Saturday, that sounds fine.

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we recognize that such a 'regular' is going to have sexual needs that he would likely hope to have fulfilled by my wife. So, at times there may be times when she is going off to play with him when she's not really in the mood to do that. We both figure that's ok, so long as she's willing and available. If she only played with him when they were both horny, they might not play very often at all!

 

I remember reading from a woman who posted here who had a regular. She noted that at times it took a fair bit of work. You're seeing to the sexual needs of another person in addition to your husband. Yes, it's about _you_, but in order to get what _you_ want, some effort has to go into making sure that you keep the regular interested, happy, and content. Not sure if that makes sense :)

 

 

When I think of someone being a "regular" I don't equate that to being exclusive. So I wouldn't have the expectation of playing unless we were both fully up for it.

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I'd be concerned about the fight he had with his girlfriend. For my wife and I, we tend to shy away from couples that aren't married, and we absolutely will not play with a guy who is playing with permission unless we can verify permission from the other woman...in person. The girlfriend doesn't have 'rights' to this guy per se, but she more than likely has expectations of his fidelity. I'd make sure that she is aware and approves of her boyfriend playing with you.

 

We're pretty certain it's really ok. They each have their own singles profile where they mention each other, as well as a couples profile. I checked out all 3 profiles before even contacting him. And while I know it's not as much of a confirmation, I did chat with her on yahoo a couple of times. Very different style of pretty much everything than he uses. But I do totally agree about shying away from couples unless you can verify in person that it's ok if they play separate. In fact, that's why we've completely blocked couples from our profile altogether at this time. I was tired of the promises that their wife was ok with it.

 

Thanks for all the insight, everyone. :)

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When I think of someone being a "regular" I don't equate that to being exclusive. So I wouldn't have the expectation of playing unless we were both fully up for it.

 

Didn't mean to imply that it would definitely be an exclusive relationship. It might be, but we aren't looking for and haven't asked for that. But, there's a bit of reality at play here; when a single guy has a regular, he's lucky. Most single guys in the lifestyle don't even get one play time very often, much less a regular. So if they're in the mood and want to have sex, they'd probably ask their 'regular' firs.

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We had a fairly steady other guy for several years while he was single. The threesomes were always a lot of fun.

 

Then he got married and it tapered off. I have sex with his wife three times (MFM) while my wife was out of town. I don't recall After that my wife ever had sex with him after he got married. It just kind of petered out.

 

Bummer. They were both terrific.

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Hey, I believe bbarnsworth had mention me in regarding to doing hard work on getting the guy to become a regular one.:)

It took me probably about 6 month to get to the point where we became regular ones and he even damped his GF in the end. I didn't ask for it, she just disappeared...

We did thanked him when we met and played first time. He did return the compliment, and we got an invite to play in a month or so.:D

He wasn't very nice in communicating with us and it took me, mostly me a while to get us where we are now. He always responds to calls,texts, almost never declines offers to meet. If it wasn't my gentle persistence we wouldn't be where we are. I was assertive but not pushy, I would give him his space, and I would always offer an A game. I would disregard a lot of things I wouldn't in a regular relationship. Single guys in a LS they still have a lot of pride, I think that is a misconception that it they don't see a pussy on a regular basis they would fuck anything. Some guys yes maybe, but in most cases we don't need those ones. We need ones who are good who have a personality to match it and they know they are good. They get invited back...

He wasn't just a nice experience, he was the one I wanted, liked and I wanted to make sure I get him and I wanted bareback which we never do in LS.

So in response to your question it all depends on your preferences, schedules. Sometimes we meet once in 3 weeks,sometimes 3 times a week. Sometimes I am not in a mood to play or have my period and I still wouldn't decline his offer to meet or at least would stop by to blow him. But he never refuses to play with me either when I want. It's kind of give and take. Although my hubby thinks I am doing too much. What can say, from all guys I played with I never wanted to see any of them more then one time...and I never get bored with him.

Let me just warn you that with regular ones you may get some unexpected outcomes. People do connect, they fall for each other,they get addicted to each other so unless you are ready for it be careful.

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Hey, I believe bbarnsworth had mention me in regarding to doing hard work on getting the guy to become a regular one.:)

 

Perhaps yes :)

 

Let me just warn you that with regular ones you may get some unexpected outcomes. People do connect, they fall for each other,they get addicted to each other so unless you are ready for it be careful.

 

For us, this is as yet uncharted territory. My wife and I have discussed it at length. We both know and acknowledge that if she has sex with another guy many, many times she's going to develop feelings for him and he most likely for her. There's definitely a lot of possible unintended consequences. We don't know as yet how we'll approach such consequences.

 

The only hard and fast rule we have at this point is that if she feels she is "falling in love" with the guy, or we feel he is doing the same in respect to her, we'll call it quits, cold turkey. Neither of us expects her to remain unemotional towards him or he towards her. Loving him is fine. Being IN love is not. The English language really lacks sufficient vocabulary with respect to emotions.

 

So far, we're willing to proceed and continue to try to find that regular guy for her. Hasn't happened yet, but we'll see. We feel there are a great many rewards to having a regular guy that one-or-two timers do not bring to the table. For one, the sex gets better as they will each become more familiar with what each of them needs. For two, a much greater chance of availability as the mood strikes. This one has been very noticeable at times; there's times when my wife wants another man right now, this instant! and he of course isn't available because we don't have a regular for her yet. And on, and on.

 

One timers just don't have as many advantages as regulars, we think. But, it's all supposition as yet. We hope we're right :) Even so, the attempts to find such a guy are still quite rewarding.

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Yes, bbarnsworth, you right.

 

With regular person you can get to know him better and you know what buttons to push, people get more relaxed and willing to experiment, you can possibly play bareback. You can enjoy booty calls.

As I said I do accept them from my BF and he does same thing. It's fun and more exciting when you just feel you are in a mood to play and you are a call away from it. I know now if he can fit me in his schedule he always will even for a quickey.

There are some problems with falling in love or loving this person as you can call it and we are dealing with it on day to day basis. If you think your wife will just stop seeing him if she falls for him you maybe wrong thinking this way. I am hooked up and won't do it over my dead body. Unless he decides he doen't want see me anymore I am not going anywhere.

It feels like I have to juggle two relationships now. One is a primary and another one is a secondary.

They both want spend time with me I feel bad if I want to go see him twice or three times a week because I don't want upset my hubby and I miss my BF if I don't see him often.:sad:

We couldn't say in a beginning how often we wanted to see each other. It was too premature. It was once a month in a beginning and then it turned out to be as often as we want.

Mostly you have to make yourself available if you want have a regular one otherwise when he is horney and you refused to play he will move on on his list of playmates to the next one. You decline to play couple times and you won't get invited ever. When he makes this decision where he want spend his time and with whom you want to make sure you would be on a top of his list.

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There are some problems with falling in love or loving this person as you can call it and we are dealing with it on day to day basis. If you think your wife will just stop seeing him if she falls for him you maybe wrong thinking this way. I am hooked up and won't do it over my dead body. Unless he decides he doen't want see me anymore I am not going anywhere.

 

My wife's stance on this is exactly that; if she feels she's falling IN love with him, rather than just loving him (as you would, say, a good friend) she wants to call it quits. It's her choice, not me pushing a rule onto her (though, I wouldn't want her falling in love with someone, and our overall decisions might be different if she wasn't wanting to call it quits if he or she fell in love).

 

It feels like I have to juggle two relationships now. One is a primary and another one is a secondary.

 

Which sounds a lot like polyamory! :)

 

I was briefly involved in a poly relationship before I met my wife. I researched a lot, spent a lot of thought time, and gained a pretty good understanding of what it really meant to me at the time. I've also decided that at this point in my life, I don't want to share my wife's heart. She doesn't want to share hers. We both recognize there may come a time down the road when we're both more comfortable with that, but that time is not now.

 

 

You decline to play couple times and you won't get invited ever. When he makes this decision where he want spend his time and with whom you want to make sure you would be on a top of his list.

 

Which is excellent advice! My wife and I have discussed this very point. There's going to be times when he's horny and she isn't. But, if she wants to maintain the relationship she'll need to see to his needs too. That's not just a her thing, it's a me thing too. Sometimes, she'll 'need' to leave on short notice, even if I'm not really ready for that at the moment. That's all for the sake of our overarching goal of having a regular for her. I'm ok with that, in as much as I can be before it's ever happened.

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