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idon'tknow

Apparently erectile disfunction is an occasional issue

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So. First off I need to change my name from "idon'tknow" to "thisisprettycool" or something like that cause we've have a few encounters and had a pretty good time. Friendship, sex, hanging out, food, booze and generally a lot of fun.

 

BUT

 

I had an issue last night... an erection issue.... I've read through some of the threads so yeah, relaxing, testosterone (I'm 35, about 10-12% body fat, I'm in better shape now as a 35 year old then I was as an 18 year old, heavy weights, lots of exercise and I do take a couple test-boosters to supplement my workouts) and yeah, when I'm with the wife it's not an issue, in fact Mr. Winky stays hard even after ejaculation... long after (I timed it once for the hell of it, an hour and fifteen minutes after ejaculation she finally had to say it was time for bed). I am fixed and haven't had to wear condoms for the past 5 years though, and that has been an issue, but minor. My wife has been more than happy to help me practice getting used to condoms again.

 

Last night we were playing, having fun, my wife and the other guy were upstairs, me and a smoking-hot redhead were downstairs. Doors closed, having fun, separate rooms, I get the condom on I'm going in and (this is where it seems different than the other ones) I hear my wife moaning loud, something I love about making love to her, but apparently last night I didn't. My penis went from hard enough to cut diamonds to soft enough to sleep on in a matter of seconds. Fortunately the smoking red-head was very very understanding, we still played, still had fun but I was pretty embarrassed and quite frustrated actually.

 

So what gives? I know I need to relax more and in retrospect I'm still not nearly as relaxed in these situations as I should and could be, and that will come with time, but still... I never thought I'd have to look a beautiful woman in the eyes and say "I'm sorry, this has never happened before." And what gives with it happening when I heard my wife moaning? I'm happy for her, and I want her to get her rocks off and have mind-numbing sex with me and with other people, but seriously it was like someone flipped a switch. It did happen before too, but by the time I heard her me and the other woman had already been at it for about an hour and I was about spent.

 

what do I do? How do I get over this? I do not want to be in the middle of something again and go from a rockhard to flopping around like a fish. It sucked.

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I've heard that the major reason for people to have insomnia is worrying that they will not be able to sleep. Maybe it's the same thing with erections. If you worry it won't happen, then it won't happen. Try to not worry.

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And what gives with it happening when I heard my wife moaning? I'm happy for her' date=' and I want her to get her rocks off and have mind-numbing sex with me and with other people, but seriously it was like someone flipped a switch. It did happen before too, but by the time I heard her me and the other woman had already been at it for about an hour and I was about spent.[/quote']

 

The question is the answer.

 

While your mind, and maybe your heart, are ok with hearing your wife moan, it sounds to me like your penis disagrees. Until heart, mind and penis are in accord you will probably continue to have this problem.

 

First, if I'm right, you need to accept that you aren't as ok with things as you think you should be. Second, you need to find a situation that you are more comfortable with... maybe same room play(?). Third and most productively, figure out why you aren't as comfortable as you want to be and address that.

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The question is the answer.

 

While your mind, and maybe your heart, are ok with hearing your wife moan, it sounds to me like your penis disagrees. Until heart, mind and penis are in accord you will probably continue to have this problem.

 

First, if I'm right, you need to accept that you aren't as ok with things as you think you should be. Second, you need to find a situation that you are more comfortable with... maybe same room play(?). Third and most productively, figure out why you aren't as comfortable as you want to be and address that.

 

I'm inclined to think that the majority of my issue is comfort. I mean, what do I do, how do I do it? Can I just walk into the house and start making out with her? (I know, every couple is different) what's appropriate? Even though this is a lot of fun and my wife and I are having a great time, I'm still not nearly as relaxed or comfortable as, I guess, I think I am. Mrs. idon'tknow thinks the other mrs and I need a hall-pass to get more comfortable with each other, and when we do play together that the other mrs and I play first, and then she and him play second (taking turns) and that the more I hear it the more comfortable with it I'll be. Lucky for us we're hooking up with a couple that's more concerned with our friendship than with sex, I don't know if that's a norm or not, but it's certainly helpful to me.

 

Here's what I want: I want to be more comfortable. I want to be more relaxed. I want it to be like the first time I played with her where I made her soak her couch. I want to hear my wife with another guy and I want it to be arousing. I know, the things I want seem to me to be more of "give it some time" kinda thing... except maybe the couch thing... I'll give it some time, and play more, and have fun. Not gonna obsess about it.

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So, that's what you want... but obviously it isn't what you have. My question is, what exactly are you not comfortable with?

 

Your wife wants to give you hall pass. Are you comfortable with that? She wants to take turns so you can hear her. Are you comfortable with that? If you aren't comfortable with one or both of those things, then time and repetition will not make you more comfortable (and are in fact likely to make you less comfortable).

 

I think you need more than just time. You need to get at the root of what makes you uncomfortable. You say "what do I do, how do I do it? ... what's appropriate?" That uncertainty is probably a big part of your problem. You need to find the answers to those, which will require a frank, honest and entirely clothed conversation with your wife and probably the other couple in question. Just going on as you are won't help nearly as much as thinking and talking things through.

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I think you need more than just time. You need to get at the root of what makes you uncomfortable. You say "what do I do, how do I do it? ... what's appropriate?" That uncertainty is probably a big part of your problem. You need to find the answers to those, which will require a frank, honest and entirely clothed conversation with your wife and probably the other couple in question. Just going on as you are won't help nearly as much as thinking and talking things through.

 

If I remember correctly when I came here the first time after my wife initiated the conversation about wanting to get into this lifestyle I asked similar questions about protocol. Every situation is different. My wife and I have had those conversations... a lot since then. And the couple we've been hooking up with is a very cool, very understanding couple (something similar happened to him during his first time playing with my wife). We've been talking to both of them about things. As much as I hate it, they all (my wife included) have been handling me with kid gloves cause they don't want to push me too far to fast and while I hate it, I appreciate it a lot.

 

I've changed a lot since the first time my wife said, "I think we should get into swinging." I said "absolutely always play together!" "No hallpasses EVER!" and a bunch of other stupid stuff. Now I'm considering, based on this particular couple and how much they respect each other and respect us, hall-passes, plus my wife knows me pretty damn well and she thinks it would help me get more comfortable when we get into a play situation.

 

I appreciate the feedback, lionheart72

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It's happened once to me too, in a group situation. When it happened, I was able to look cool and be like, "meh, it happens. I'm equally good with my mouth and hands." But it does suck, and not in a good way.

 

Another equally (potentially) bad experience, and far more common (at least with me) is the reverse, where I am hard but can't come. While I know this sounds like an awesome endeavor, it actually is annoying, because she starts to think she's doing something wrong, her jaw will hurt, etc. Usually this happens after drinking a lot of alcohol.

 

I learned however that I am more comfortable in situations where I really know the person. This could be you too. Personality goes a long way, and maybe after being non-sexually intimate with your wife you taught yourself that the key to quality sex is a certain level of intimacy.

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It's happened once to me too, in a group situation. When it happened, I was able to look cool and be like, "meh, it happens. I'm equally good with my mouth and hands." But it does suck, and not in a good way.

 

Another equally (potentially) bad experience, and far more common (at least with me) is the reverse, where I am hard but can't come. While I know this sounds like an awesome endeavor, it actually is annoying, because she starts to think she's doing something wrong, her jaw will hurt, etc. Usually this happens after drinking a lot of alcohol.

 

I learned however that I am more comfortable in situations where I really know the person. This could be you too. Personality goes a long way, and maybe after being non-sexually intimate with your wife you taught yourself that the key to quality sex is a certain level of intimacy.

 

We've been getting to know this couple for a long time... well we contacted them back in November (when I was still pretty iffy about this life-style), so long but no long. I've made it a point to have some daily contact with them and I see him on a regular basis.

 

I was thinking about the alcohol thing the other day and I realized that my wife and I have mixed drinking with sex maybe 3 times in the 13 years we've been together, and one of those times she was the one who was super drunk and I had to drive home so I hadn't had anything to drink for about 3 hours (that was fun... that was the night she told me, very loudly, that she really really wanted to try an MFM). Next time no alcohol. I'm trying to plan a quick get together (3-4 hours in a couple fridays), and I've been regularly trying to visualize my wife with him; I'm anticipating things will go smoothly.

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