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Therapy for 2 failed experiences?

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My wife and I recently started trying to find people and have two experiences.

 

The first one was with a single guy who was very respectful and who my wife was attracted to. When it came time for business he was hard and I just couldn't get there even though I was super turned on. It got semi hard sometimes but then it was really sensitive and wanted to come with the slightest touch. Then it would go down and have trouble getting up again. I chalked it up to the first experience and that I was nervous and overwhelmed.

 

Fast forward a few weeks and we meet this couple we were both attracted to. We all drank way too much and I love to blame my ED on that but based on our past experience I don't think that is it. This time it didn't get hard at all. Nothing. I have no issues when I'm with my wife and she says it actually get's harder than the men she's been with in the past. It's just when another person is added to the mix that it seems to malfunction.

 

I am not jealous and the thought of her with another man or woman gets me off big time. I was wondering if anyone here has seen a therapist about this problem and if it helped at all. Whatever it is, it clearly is in my head and it is frustrating me. My wife believes I'm thinking too much about pleasing her and the other woman and not concentrating on me. I'm not sure that's it but would love to hear some opinions from people who have gone through similar situations and might possibly have advice to give.

 

Thanks

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Yeah lots of guys go through that. I've had issues with it as well. It's definitely in your head. Here are some quick things that I've found to help:

 

  • Drink lots of water in the week leading up to a meet
  • Get lots of sleep in the week leading up to the meet, especially the few days before
  • Don't drink any alcohol (or minimal alcohol, but none is better)
  • When in the encounter, don't go for prolonged foreplay that goes up and down in intensity (or stops and starts). Build up and have sex, don't let it drag on forever
  • Eliminate worries or distractions; if this means you need to watch your wife before having sex yourself, then go ahead

 

Also, you can try going to your doctor and getting an ED pill. Sometimes just having one available helps with the nerves. They are meant for physical issues, but they can often help alleviate worries/anxiety as well. Just by having it available.

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Do you think I have to just become a cocky bastard and just go for mine? Maybe not worrry about if she's having fun or not? Eventually if I can stay hard for 5 minutes or so I can start focusing on her and things would become more comfortable. I am deterind to fix it because there are amazing opportunites to be had!

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I dont think becoming a cocky self serving bastard is going to help you much. My point is more about not getting a blowjob, then stopping, then getting a handjob, then stopping, then expect it to be hard enough to fuck.

 

Try going down on her before she does anything for you at all. Give her lots of pleasure and attention, then let her focus on you. When you're hard, horny and ready to go, then jump in for sex.

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I'm going to take this in a slightly different direction... I am a 37 y/o Male, me and my wife have been in the LS for about 5 years... In the last few years despite... how much I love sex, women, and especially how turned on I get watching my wife with another guy... I have a very difficult time getting it up... Actually so much to the point that I was really starting to question myself...

 

You see at the age of 30 I had a major heart attack, I had stints put in and a year later I had to have quintuple bi-pass as the years have gone by I have a it harder and harder to maintain an erection let alone get on up. Sometimes, I'm finding the stimulation has to be pretty big and there are time no matter how big the stimulation it just does not happen (and believe me I feel very horny my dick just does not)!

 

This is what I have learned, in part I owe the fact that my wife is a doctor (general surgeon) and has many Doctor friends... So after all of us coming and putting our heads together here it is... I have learned that any more people with E.D. are no longer being looked at in the same way, in the past it was considered that it was mostly a mental thing that they just needed to work past it.

 

However now we have learned a bit more, and when a guy goes in complaining ED issues they are immediately starting to look at clogged arteries, and more often that not, they are finding that they guy is only a few years of having a heart attack if not sooner...

 

Like I said I had a major heart attack at 30, but my symptoms of ED started at around 24... So this is food for thought... You may want to get this checked...

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That's a very good point whyokc, and a salutary lesson.

 

In this case, however the op has said he never has any problem getting an erection with his wife, which would indicate that it's not a physical problem.

 

He's being trolled by his own brain. I hate when that happens! Performance anxiety at the party, hard-on in the car on the drive home... thanks brain, how does that help me?

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Why is right....

 

My friend and occasional partner started experiencing Ed and his doctors ordered all kinds of tests and discovered clogged arteries.

 

He still battles it , I never make him feel bad for it happening. I'm most understanding.

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Medical conditions should be considered like mentioned above.

 

Secondly, consider Cialis or one of the other options. I used them the first 18 months of swinging. Initially out of anxiety that I may have issues with all of the sensory overload and then as a precaution but now I don't use them at all but they helped tremendously.

 

I had performance issues my first time and then got the pills and never looked back. As I became more and more comfortable it reached the point I no longer needed them.

 

My wife and I joke all the time that all the pressure is on the men :lol: but it's true. If you do find yourself having issues...you have more tools in your arsenal than just your cock. ;)

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My wife and I joke all the time that all the pressure is on the men :lol: but it's true. If you do find yourself having issues...you have more tools in your arsenal than just your cock. ;)

 

I always love to say this is the ONLY scene in the world where guys are commended for 'thinking with their johnson.' [in every other scenario it gets them into trouble!]

 

Wall, I've had a few issues in the beginning of our 7+ years in this, and usually in groups or on premise clubs, but it was always reflective of how into me my partner was at the time. If it wasn't really a mutual attraction, it wasn't happening for me. This really came down to 'no taking one for the team.' A supply of Cialis may help with confidence as Diggin said; I have 'em just in case I'm overly tired when we head to a play date or party.

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Thanks for all the input. Being as this only happens when others are around and I have low cholesterol I don't think its a health issue. I get hard when my wife and I are alone and she just kisses my neck so would a pill help me? I've been thinking about it and maybe I put too much pressure on myself to duplicate the performances I give to my wife when alone. My number one goal is to give the woman I'm with as much pleasure as I can and I honestly don't think about myself much during. Could this be an issue? Should I trying being a little selfish? All my wife says is that I have to relax. Gee hun, is that it? Thanks, problem solved. Lol

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All my wife says is that I have to relax. Gee hun, is that it? Thanks, problem solved. Lol

 

Easy isn't it? :lol:

 

I get this sometimes when being with a couple for the first time. Like you, never any problems with my wife, and it's always better with subsequent hookups.

 

Luckily for me, when it has happened the women have been wonderful and kept me from getting too uptight about it. If you really can try to get the attitude that "it doesn't matter". If your partner can make you believe that it really doesn't matter, she's enjoying the kissing the caressing, your mouth and fingers and tongue....

The moment it really doesn't matter, the stress goes and the erection comes back.

 

Also, since you have no problems getting a hard on with your wife, try and analyse and capture that attitude. When your wife kisses you and you spring into action, try and catch that attitude and state of mind.

 

Last idea, since you know your wife knows how to start you up, if you are having a problem get her over to kick start you: "honey, I need a bit of help here"

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That's the strange thing. When we had our first experience it was MMF and she did all the things she usually does and nothing. Now that I have a history with problems do you think it would help to just put it out there and warn the other couple. As embarrassing as it would be it might help, no? Also, I forgot to mention that I met my wife young and gave never been with another woman before so I know I have doubts about my ability to please someone else for the simple fact I have never done so. My confidence with anyone else is really low. It's damn frustrating and I just want it fixed!

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You should be able to try cialis or Viagra. You also try a vibrating cock ring. I know a guy who uses one just incase and we have had no problems :) he has had the occasional issue where he can't stay hard and the ring helps a lot.

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give the cyalis or viagra a try. Once you have a few succesful sessions your confidence will return and you won't need it.

 

But you are already aware of how you can get into a negative spiral of failure and dispair, to the extent that you are setting yourself up to fail.

 

Do a search on this site and also the web in general on "performance anxiety, you'll see how common it is.

 

How bout you and yourwife get things going BEFORE the other guy unleashes his lighty, never-failing ever reliable erection? You say you have no jealousy, but perhaps subconsciously you see him as a rival, or see him as dominant? Have a beer with him alone perhaps to "humanise" him in your mind so he's just another bloke and not super stud about to roger your wife.

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So no one thinks therapy would help? I'll see if a pill will help but my understanding is it doesn't override mental blocks. Maybe it does. I'd have a hard time just going at it with my wife while the guy just watches. That doesn't seem fair to me. I don't want him to feel left out. Anyway to make yourself stop thinking so much? Haha

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A pill will have physical effects of dilating blood vessels etc, but it could also have a plcebo effect, ie the confidence boost of knowing the pill will do its job.

 

You are right in that even with Cyalis there is still a mental input ie desire, required. Viagra on the otherhand will get you soldier standing to attention whether you want it to or not.

 

 

Therapy? yes certainly could help, techniques, physical and mental, solo and with your wife's help, to get you into that relaxed zone

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Viagra sounds like what I need then. It will be strange asking for it in my early 30's but at this point I just want my cock to do what my brain wants to. Thanks again. i guess if it doesn't work maybe this isn't for me no matter how much I want to. :(

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So no one thinks therapy would help? I'll see if a pill will help but my understanding is it doesn't override mental blocks. Maybe it does. I'd have a hard time just going at it with my wife while the guy just watches. That doesn't seem fair to me. I don't want him to feel left out. Anyway to make yourself stop thinking so much? Haha

 

It's not strange, I am around the same age as you and my doctor didn't even blink. She was very cool about it. I was up front with her that it wasn't purely a physical thing because it didn't always happen, but that sometimes I would have performance issues. I didn't mention swinging, just described the issue. She did a whole bunch of tests to make sure it wasn't a heart issue (as others suggested it may be). After that she gave me a prescription no questions asked. She was the one who suggested the pills and suggested the placebo may be enough to help. I doubt it's a physical issue for you since you've said you have no issues with your wife (same as I found). If you have a good doctor they'll check anyway. It's better to check and find nothing than not check.... :)

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I find it less distracting to be in a separate room with my play partner. Not that my wife and I don't do same room, but I can focus more on our shared experience. At house parties it's sometimes difficult too if there is a lot of others around getting it on..distracting. Separate rooms are not for everyone and when we started we were same room until we met a couple where the guy half had issues with same room. So it was sort of unplanned but we had no issues with separate rooms.

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We are kind of both oppossed to separate room swap at this point before we have experienced anything else but I can see how it would be less distracting. Has it helped others to mention the problem to the couple before any fun has started or would that just make it worse?

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We are kind of both oppossed to separate room swap at this point before we have experienced anything else but I can see how it would be less distracting. Has it helped others to mention the problem to the couple before any fun has started or would that just make it worse?

 

I'd mention it. Chances are they've experienced the problem as well.

 

Alura

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I read a nice post the other day about monogomous couples who go to clubs to watch and perhaps have public sex. That THAT is enough for them. I think about all the silly little things Pete and I have gone thru in the past year or so meeting people and I thought perhaps this is a way to have our cake and eat it too (what, exactly does that mean? lol).. It gets annoying meeting cpls and the 4 way attraction is not there or it is 3 ways and someone feels left out, or people lie, or or or. I thought backing off and trying this approach would be a bit of fresh air. We are always revvvvvved up after an interlude no matter how bad or disappointing... that this could be the spice we are looking for without all this time online and meet and greets. So my suggestion is to go to a club and to watch together, flirt, maybe some public sex... and see how mr johnson likes that. It should work fine as your stuff works fine with your wife... but this could be a segway that you guys use for a few months+ ???? Just a thought!

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So no one thinks therapy would help? I'll see if a pill will help but my understanding is it doesn't override mental blocks. Maybe it does. I'd have a hard time just going at it with my wife while the guy just watches. That doesn't seem fair to me. I don't want him to feel left out. Anyway to make yourself stop thinking so much? Haha

 

Not saying that at all but more like saying try the easier options first ;)

 

Let me add this as something to think about. How many times are you getting hard while watching? Each time you get hard then soft the next subsequent hard on will typically be less stiff and harder to achieve.

 

Our first experience we played a single guy...I watched a little bit and then joined in later and it took quite a bit to get hard and I did not get fully hard. I chalked it up to my first experience.

 

The second experience was with a couple. I could not keep it hard to put a condom on. It sucked. The couple we were with gave me a Viagra and said to try that. Two hours later and still no luck :( The next morning I woke with a hard on that I hadn't had since I was 16. I was amazed.

 

Third encounter I had Cialis on board (doctor recommended it over the other two as the most mild of the three) I have not had an ED experience since.

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The first time I only got semi hard and when I did I felt like I was going to cum with the slightest touch. The second time I didn't get hard at all.

 

I've fallen into a pretty good depression now. I cant think of anything but how I failed. I don't want to think about sex and even taking a piss upsets me. This is not good. I know it happens to others but that isn't comforting me.

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The first time I only got semi hard and when I did I felt like I was going to cum with the slightest touch. The second time I didn't get hard at all.

 

I've fallen into a pretty good depression now. I cant think of anything but how I failed. I don't want to think about sex and even taking a piss upsets me. This is not good. I know it happens to others but that isn't comforting me.

 

What would be comforting to you? Why is this such a big deal?

 

I don't want to sound mean, but sometimes hysterical people need a slap. Listen to yourself! If you are having trouble pissing you're so depressed you need more than therapy! I can appreciate that this is upsetting, but in the grand scheme it's a small thing. I think a therapist would tell you to focus on the positives and stop over-analyzing.

 

I am not a therapist, but maybe others will chime in. I would like to hear how it goes if you do see a counselor.

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What would be comforting to you? Why is this such a big deal?

 

I don't want to sound mean, but sometimes hysterical people need a slap. Listen to yourself! If you are having trouble pissing you're so depressed you need more than therapy! I can appreciate that this is upsetting, but in the grand scheme it's a small thing. I think a therapist would tell you to focus on the positives and stop over-analyzing.

 

I am not a therapist, but maybe others will chime in. I would like to hear how it goes if you do see a counselor.

 

:lol: I can pee just fine. Looking down at my goods just pisses me off because it didn't work when I wanted it to the most. I know it's a small thing in the big picture. I guess it comes down to me having no control over my own body and it really bothers me. That and I take it really hard when I let people down. I will most definitely keep you update on what the therapist says if I ended up making an appointment.

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:lol: I can pee just fine. Looking down at my goods just pisses me off because it didn't work when I wanted it to the most. I know it's a small thing in the big picture. I guess it comes down to me having no control over my own body and it really bothers me. That and I take it really hard when I let people down. I will most definitely keep you update on what the therapist says if I ended up making an appointment.

 

One thing to keep in mind, is that not having a hard-on doesn't have to be letting the girl down. There are lots of ways to please a woman. Thinking about it a lot will make the problem worse. I know it's not comforting but it happens all the time in swinging.

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I'm new to it and I guess always being able to get hard and suddenly not made me question a lot of things. I've been reading about it and one approach I liked is going in not expecting to use it that night. I have decided I have to tell the couple before hand of my past difficulties. Maybe the open communication will diffuse a lot of the anxiety.

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I've found that starting play by giving Mrs. Playmate a massage helps. It seems to relax both her and myself.

 

Alura

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I'm new to it and I guess always being able to get hard and suddenly not made me question a lot of things. I've been reading about it and one approach I liked is going in not expecting to use it that night. I have decided I have to tell the couple before hand of my past difficulties. Maybe the open communication will diffuse a lot of the anxiety.

 

You will have to read some of our other threads around people who have expressed similar issues.

 

Either we have had a string of bad encounters with guys (which we doubt) or maintaining an erection is prevalent (my guess is the latter here).

 

All I can say is thank god my wife can't orgasm through penetration because boy would she have been let down quite a few times in the past. Try the pills. Your confidence will come back pretty quick. Took me all of 30 minutes with my doc. Tell him you lose your erection after a short period of time and have a hard time getting it back (leave out the part out that it only happens with other people :lol: ). Tell him you want to try it. My doc gave me like 4 months worth of samples. Gave me samples of all three but recommended the Cialis. I never took the other three because I was so happy with the speed and reliability of the Cialis.

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You will have to read some of our other threads around people who have expressed similar issues.

 

Either we have had a string of bad encounters with guys (which we doubt) or maintaining an erection is prevalent (my guess is the latter here).

 

All I can say is thank god my wife can't orgasm through penetration because boy would she have been let down quite a few times in the past. Try the pills. Your confidence will come back pretty quick. Took me all of 30 minutes with my doc. Tell him you lose your erection after a short period of time and have a hard time getting it back (leave out the part out that it only happens with other people :lol: ). Tell him you want to try it. My doc gave me like 4 months worth of samples. Gave me samples of all three but recommended the Cialis. I never took the other three because I was so happy with the speed and reliability of the Cialis.

Isn't Cialis something you take everyday? I would think viagra might be better because I only need it when swinging? Just thinking out loud here.

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Wallswing...I was thinking about my last reply and sometimes when I'm at work I am much shorter than when I'm home and have time to put more thought into my posts.

 

It could have possibly caused more anxiety if you looked at it from the perspective of my wife being let down quite a few times :lol: but it wasn't meant like that :D

 

Cialis comes in two versions, a 5 mg, once a day pill or a 20mg three day pill. I LOVE the 20 mg pills. I've heard lots of people say to get the 20mg and cut them into thirds but I would break the thing in half and swallow it down about 4 hours prior. :fun:

 

He might give you a script for 10 x 20mg pills a month but I used 4 max a month (one per weekend).

 

The Viagra really jacked up my system. Didn't like it and never tried the Levitra.

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Last night we tried to skype with another couple. They started going at it and once again I was unable to get hard. As much as I want to engage in the action I don't know how many more times I can take it. The fact that I can't get hard alone with my wife while others are watching is not a good sign. So frustrating!

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Last night we tried to skype with another couple. They started going at it and once again I was unable to get hard. As much as I want to engage in the action I don't know how many more times I can take it. The fact that I can't get hard alone with my wife while others are watching is not a good sign. So frustrating!

 

Maybe you might want to consider trying it separately? I don't like it but there are many others that do it quite successfully.

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